


The Vines of Valkyrie And Tanith

by ElfWhoLikesCookies



Category: Skulduggery Pleasant - Derek Landy
Genre: Cross posted on ff.net, Gen, Halloween Specials, Humour, Larrikin is also alive, Ravel is a good child, Requests are taken, Skulduggery wears crocs, Swearing, also an evil wasp, and a puppy, and an angry swan, and some New Year's specials, any character could appear, canon? What's canon?, inflatable morph suits, there is some semblance of plot though, there will definitely be Christmas specials, there will probably be Christmas specials too, there's a little bit of Ghanith in here, there's also gonna be some perturbed cows to look forward to, there's an angry farmer too, they get arrested a few times, they're basically just recreating vines, things go very wrong, we've also got Saracen in a giraffe costume
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2019-06-25 08:46:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 53
Words: 108,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15637269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElfWhoLikesCookies/pseuds/ElfWhoLikesCookies
Summary: Vines are a staple of modern internet comedy and a language that Valkyrie is well versed in. After she introduces Tanith to this new culture, all hell breaks loose. (Canon is thrown out the window, don't judge, your favourite characters still live.) Rated for swearing.





	1. The Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by me ElfWhoLikesCookies (BethShadows on Fanfiction.net) as part of a collaborative series with Kenrick MNP (on ff.net, he does not have an ao3 account.)

Valkyrie set her bowl of salt and vinegar crisps and the large bag filled with the remaining crisps on the desk before she settled herself on the under-cushioned rolly chair and propped her feet up on the under-bar of the desk. She turned on the computer and while it took its time to turn on she stuffed a handful of crisps in her mouth. Five minutes later it loaded up her desktop. The wallpaper was a picture she'd taken of Skulduggery a couple of years ago wearing a pair of black crocs and an olive green, over-sized, knitted, crew neck jumper.

She clicked on google chrome and waited again. It loaded up and she went onto YouTube and searched up vine compilations. Valkyrie clicked on one titled "vines i quote on the daily" and stared at the screen with a deadpan face as it played an advert for that app "Wish." It was annoying and unskippable.

Finally it loaded. A bunch of gobbling geese, a little girl's face.

"Look at all those chickens," Valkyrie said softly.

The girl on the screen spoke. "Look at all those chickens."

Valkyrie laughed as the next vine began.

A boy with glasses sitting at a desk like hers. A song she didn't know started playing. The boy stood up and began walking dramatically while clicking his fingers. He spun around and whacked his head off a wall.

Valkyrie burst out laughing.

Text words flew across the screen. "Hi thanks for checking in I'm still a piece of garbage."

Valkyrie laughed again.

"Dad look! It's the good kush!"

A droll American reply followed, "this is the Dollar Store, how good can it be?"

Valkyrie mouthed the words along with the video and laughed.

A diagram came up on screen of a stick figure tucking the blanket under their feet.

"Ha ha ha, I do that," Valkyrie said.

"Ha ha ha, I do that," the person on the screen said.

The next vine had the blond kid with his hoodie tucked behind his ears appearing from behind the shower curtain, the door, the corner and turning around with that weird smile.

"I'm John Cena!" a kid shouted before putting two recorded up to his nose and blowing, playing a tune.

Valkyrie's laughter began again.

"What you watching?" Tanith asked, materialising on the ceiling above her.

Valkyrie paused the video and looked up. Tanith was crouched upside down on the ceiling, blonde hair hanging down.

"Watching vine compilations," Valkyrie said.

"Vine?" Tanith asked.

"Little short seconds long videos. Most of them are so funny. Come, sit and watch."

Tanith flipped down off the ceiling and dragged a small armchair over to the computer and took her seat, tucking her legs underneath her.

Valkyrie played the video again. A girl was holding her nose down with her thumb.

"What if my nose was…?" the girl began. The video cut to her with her nose taped down. "Hello I'm Squidward." She laughed and pulled a face.

Valkyrie burst out laughing and heard Tanith doing the same.

* * *

"What did you think?" Valkyrie asked once the video was finished. Tanith had laughed to every vine, including well known ones like "Adam!" and one of her favourites, "Stop I coulda dropped my croissant."

"I want to watch more," Tanith said.

Valkyrie grinned. One more person to understand her and Fletcher's vine references.

"Then we shall watch more," Valkyrie announced as if she was a prophet delivering a great prophecy. She clicked on a random compilation from the side bar, a fifteen minute video of hall of fame vines.

The first one was one she hadn't seen before. A little girl holding her fist to the camera while saying "get your phone out of my face." She laughed, the girl reminded her of Alice.

"I mean four female ghostbusters? The feminists are taking over! I'm an adult virgin!"

Tanith laughed loudly at that one.

"Right so basically I was thinking - " the guy got punched in the face. Valkyrie laughed as did Tanith. "Ah fuck. I can't believe you done this."

"Many are repeated across different videos , but they're funny so it's worth it," Valkyrie said. That one had been in the previous compilation.

Once the video was finished, Valkyrie decided upon showing Tanith individual vines, rather than compilations. She was just going to get sidetracked and spend all night watching compilation after compilation if she didn't stop.

"There's a lot of good ones that I'll just show you," Valkyrie began typing in the search bar, "One of my favorites is this one."

Tanith stole a handful of crisps. Valkyrie looked at her for a second before slowly pulling the bowl over to her.

She clicked on the first video.

Snow. People standing. A man talking.

"You guys say Colorado!"

Someone in a giraffe costume sped by on skiis.

"I'm a giraffe!"

Tanith burst out laughing, spitting crisp crumbs everywhere.

Valkyrie shook her head and searched up the next vine.

"I am the sand guardian, guardian of the sand."

Tanith's reaction was the same, minus the crumb spitting.

"And then there's this one," Valkyrie said searching up the last one that she'd only found a few hours earlier by accident while trying to find another vine.

A cow in a field. The camera focused in on the cow as a man screamed, "MOO MOTHERFUCKER MOO! MOO MOTHERFUCCKEEEEEeeeRRRR!" The cow bolted and Valkyrie and Tanith both laughed so hard Valkyrie felt she couldn't breathe. Then at the end just the little calm, "Moo," made her lose it again.

* * *

Valkyrie came downstairs in the morning around 8am to let Xena out and giver her her breakfast, but instead saw Tanith sitting in the chair wrapped in her duvet with a red blanket over her head, hunched over the computer.

"Morning," Valkyrie said.

Tanith spun around in the chair, which Valkyrie noted now had one of the golden couch cushions on top of it.

"Good morning Valkyrie, I have been up all night watching vines."

Tanith had surpassed the level of weird that Valkyrie was used to when it came to Tanith. She was spaced out with heavy glazed eyes. She resembled a zombie, starved and desperate for relief by the way of brains, or in Tanith's case either caffeine or sleep.

"All night?" Valkyrie asked. Valkyrie had claimed to stay up all night before but usually ended up giving up around 6 before sleeping a few hours.

"All night," Tanith nodded," I just kept watching videos and watching videos and then it was midnight and then it was two and the next thing I knew it was seven and I couldn't be bothered going to sleep."

"Wow."

Tanith was still nodding. Slowly up and down. Up and down. Up and down.

Valkyrie pointed this out to her. Tanith stopped and just stared vacantly, eyes apparently unblinking.

"I have an idea Valkyrie. I know what we should do Valkyrie." Tanith sounded possessed. Her voice was high and almost childlike.

"How about you start with not saying my name like that?" Valkyrie suggested.

"We should re-create vines Valkyrie."

"That," Valkyrie began, "is a brilliant idea." She'd occasionally played with that idea herself, but never committed to it. Hearing it from Tanith, somehow it seemed a feasible idea, even in Tanith's sleep deprived zombie state.

"I know right," Tanith smiled widely, keeping up the possessed appearance. "What one do you think we should we start with? I was thinking that giraffe one. It made me laugh. A lot."

"We need snow for that one," Valkyrie pointed out. They also needed skis, someone to dress up as a giraffe, a giraffe costume -

"Look outside my dear Valkyrie."

Valkyrie walked across the room and opened the curtains, ignoring Tanith's dramatic screeches and hisses as the sunlight hit her face. Everything was white, covered in snow. Guess the weatherman hadn't been lying about that after all...

* * *

Notes: Hope you enjoyed the beginning! The next chapter features Valkyrie, Tanith, Alice, Dexter, Saracen and Fletcher recreating their first vine. If you have any requests for vines you want to see Valkyrie and Tanith (and any other characters) recreate, leave a comment. We have basically discarded cannon so everyone is alive and well and somehow Alice is seven years old and characters from the new books can appear.

The first few vines we have planned are all written out and the will be uploaded over the next couple days. The first four vines are already up on Fanfiction.net so once this edition is caught up that we'll go to a weekly update, with new vines on Wednesdays. (It is Wednesday my dudes...aaaaahhhh)

Below are the links for the vine compilations and individual vines that Valkyrie and Tanith were watching. Add them into the search bar after typing in youtube dot com/

First vine compilation

watch?v=w_3eszFuNtw

Second vine compilation

watch?v=TYgd6e4GFnU

I'm a giraffe

watch?v=xO4LaAHJqxw

I am the sand guardian

watch?v=8N5B0DQ2eDo

Moo motherfucker

watch?v=ylJj_Cv8TEc

We will be ending each AN with a goodbye in a different language. First person to leave a comment that states the language we have used will get a shout out in the next chapter.

Until next time, auf wiedersehen!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the beginning! The next chapter features Valkyrie, Tanith, Alice, Dexter, Saracen and Fletcher recreating their first vine. If you have any requests for vines you want to see Valkyrie and Tanith (and any other characters) recreate, leave a comment. We have basically discarded cannon so everyone is alive and well and somehow Alice is seven years old and characters from the new books can appear.
> 
> The first few vines we have planned are all written out and the will be uploaded over the next couple days. The first four vines are already up on Fanfiction.net so once this edition is caught up that we'll go to a weekly update, with new vines on Wednesdays. (It is Wednesday my dudes...aaaaahhhh)
> 
> Below are the links for the vine compilations and individual vines that Valkyrie and Tanith were watching. Add them into the search bar after typing in youtube dot com/
> 
> First vine compilation
> 
> watch?v=w_3eszFuNtw
> 
> Second vine compilation
> 
> watch?v=TYgd6e4GFnU
> 
> I'm a giraffe
> 
> watch?v=xO4LaAHJqxw
> 
> I am the sand guardian
> 
> watch?v=8N5B0DQ2eDo
> 
> Moo motherfucker
> 
> watch?v=ylJj_Cv8TEc
> 
> We will be ending each AN with a goodbye in a different language. First person to leave a comment that states the language we have used will get a shout out in the next chapter.
> 
> Until next time, auf wiedersehen!


	2. I'm A Giraffe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by me ElfWhoLikesCookies/BethShadows

"You need me to do what?" Saracen's voice came out of the phone over the speaker. Valkyrie had her phone sitting on the table while her and Tanith sat around the table on chairs, Tanith with her feet up on another chair from the one she was sitting on.

"It's simple," Valkyrie said, "We need you to dress up as a giraffe, ski down a hill and scream ' _I'm a giraffe'_ while we film it."

"We're recreating vines," Tanith added.

Saracen was quiet for a second.

"Why not?" He said, "I have exactly zero better things to do. When we doing it? Oh and what are vines?"

"Today," Valkyrie said, "and short six second videos on the internet. Look up vine compilations on YouTube until Dexter picks you up."

"Dex-"

Valkyrie pressed end call, cutting Saracen off.

"Let's do this!" Valkyrie exclaimed.

"You got the costume?" Tanith asked.

"I got the costume. Let's grab Alice and meet Fletcher and get this thing going."

* * *

"Come on guys! Places please!"

Valkyrie was taking photos on her phone as Dexter held Alice on his shoulders and staggered about roaring like an ogre. Alice was shrieking and laughing, her hat fell off as she tossed her head back. Valkyrie picked up the hat and shook the snow off it.

Tanith adjusted the camera, zooming out to get Valkyrie, Dexter and Alice in the shot as they continued their antics. They were too far apart. She pulled her own hat further down over her ears and tightened her scarf.

"Move in closer guys! We're on a schedule!" Tanith instructed.

Dexter let Alice down and Valkyrie put Alice's had back on her head. They sorted themselves out into a line, Alice in the middle between Valkyrie and Dexter, a space between Alice and Dexter for Tanith.

"Tanith get your arse over here!" Valkyrie shouted. Tanith gave one last check before stepping to the side. They were all in the frame now.

She turned to the side to Fletcher. He had forgone a hat, not wanting to mess up his hair and the blond spikes now resembled mini yellow Christmas trees.

"You know your lines?" Tanith asked.

"You guys say Colorado," Fletcher said.

"Good. Then Saracen comes skiing past shouting  _I'm a giraffe_."

Saracen was at the top of the hill, dressed in an almost comically oversized giraffe outfit, complete with a hood. He had the hood up obscuring most of his face. They'd gotten a lot of stares while in the car on the way there. It didn't help that Saracen insisted on hanging out of the car window like a dog as they drove even as it snowed down.

Valkyrie had taken many photos of him on her phone.

Tanith ran across the snow and swung her arm around Dexter's shoulders as she skidded in beside him and Alice.

Alice was grinning wildly, cheeks flushed and snow on her hat. Valkyrie her double, only taller and broader.

"You guys ready?" Fletcher asked.

"We're ready," Valkyrie answered, "remember to give us the signal before you start."

"Signal, got it. Okay, everyone in position."

Tanith shuffled in closer to Dexter and waited for Fletcher to give the signal.

Fletcher raised one hand, his left hand, into the air. He nodded his head slightly three times, counting the first two out loud before dropping his hand.

"You guys say Colorado!" Fletcher called out.

Nothing. Tanith looked up the hill. Saracen was meant to have sped in past shouting. Instead he had not. Saracen was pulling his costume out at his behind.

"Saracen!" Tanith shouted up.

He looked up dropping his hand from his costume.

"Yeah?"

"We're filming!" Tanith told him.

"Cut!" Valkyrie instructed.

Fletcher cut the recording.

"Wake up man!" Dexter shouted up.

"Sorry," Saracen apologised, "I'm ready now. The costume was digging in."

"When Fletcher gives the signal you start skiing," Tanith shouted.

"Gotcha," Saracen replied.

"Let's try again. Saracen, watch Fletcher's hand," Tanith instructed.

Fletcher raised his hand above his head again. He nodded three times, counting until two, before dropping his hand.

"You guys say -"

Saracen sped past in a flash of orange.

"I'm a giraffe!"

"Cut!" Valkyrie shouted.

Saracen swerved around a tree and turned so he was facing them, he ran the best he could with the skis on up to them.

"How was that?" He asked out of breath, hood falling over his face.

"Too early," Tanith said.

"We should've rehearsed," Dexter commented.

"Oh weel," Alice said. Tanith laughed, Alice always said the oddest things.

"Try again. Back to the top of the hill Saracen!" Valkyrie announced.

Saracen shuffled back up the hill. His hood flapping as he over exaggeratedly bounced his head. Alice laughed at him.

"Fletcher will give the signal, after he says "you guys" then you start skiing. We'll see how that works," Tanith said.

"Gotcha."

Fletcher waited until Saracen gave them the thumbs up before he lifted his hand and dropped it.

"You guys say Colorado," Fletcher said, lifting and dropping his hand between "guys" and "say."

Nothing.

"I'm a giraffe!"

Saracen sped past them again, avoiding the tree by inches.

"Cut!" Valkyrie shouted.

"This is way more work than I thought it would be," Tanith said.

"Sorry guys. I couldn't push off in time. Let me try again." Saracen shuffled back past.

* * *

"you guys say Colo-"

"I'm a giraffe!"

* * *

"You guys say"

"I'm a giraffe!"

"Goddamn it Saracen!" Valkyrie threw her arms into the air.

"Language, Stephanie," Alice said wisely.

"Sorry Alice." Valkyrie rested her arm on Alice's shoulder.

"Again guys. Come on we're going into over time here!" Fletcher said.

Saracen shuffled back past, still dancing and bouncing his head as he climbed the hill again.

* * *

"You guys say Colorado!"

Saracen sped past.

"I'm a giraffe!"

"Yas! We got it!" Fletcher shouted. "And I did not stop filming…"

"Imma kill him!"

Valkyrie dropped her arm from Alice's shoulder and ran at Fletcher. He shrieked and ran off, knocking the camera over into the snow.

"Watch the camera!"

Tanith ran over to the camera and set it. It was still filming. She cursed Fletcher internally. She set it back up and turned it around to face Fletcher just as Valkyrie pinned Fletcher to the snow by lying on top of him.

"There's child here!" Dexter called out, hiding Alice's eyes.

"Hey!" Alice giggled, "it tickles."

Saracen trudged back up to Dexter and Alice.

"I almost hit into the tree again," he said, voice hoarse.

"What's up with your voice?" Dexter asked.

"I've been yelling  _I'm a giraffe_ over and over. It wears at your voice. I'll get it next time, promise."

"You said that fives time ago," Alice said. Dexter lifted his hand from her eyes.

"It's harder than it looks. Trying to get that timing right," Saracen defended.

* * *

"Break it up!" Tanith ran up to Valkyrie and Fletcher and pulled Valkyrie back off Fletcher. Valkyrie fell backwards onto the snow laughing and out of breath, dark hair speckled with snow.

Fletcher struggled up to his feet.

"Let's try again," Tanith said.

Tanith ran over to the camera and stopped the recording. The footage would make for a great outtake. She turned the camera around to get Dexter, Alice and Saracen in the screen again.

"Back up the hill Saracen."

Saracen over dramatically sighed and slowly began trudging back up the hill once more.

* * *

"Okay, let's try again," Fletcher said. His hair was flat and he had snow all over him from behind pinned into the snow.

He gave the signal.

"You guys say Colorado."

Saracen sped passed.

"I'm a giraffe!"

"Yass! We got it," Fletcher said, "and I stopped filming in time!"

A dull thud and crashing noise drew everyone's attention down the hill.

Saracen was lying beside the tree ski poles scattered to the side.

"I'm okay!" He shouted up.

"He's okay!" Dexter exclaimed.

* * *

Valkyrie connected the camera up to the computer via cable and opened up the folder.

Tanith emerged from the kitchen with a large bowl of popcorn.

"You got the videos?" Tanith stuffed a hand of popcorn into her mouth.

"Aye, got them here. Want to watch the finished one first or the bloopers first?"

"Hmm," Tanith chewed on her popcorn, "finished."

She held out the bowl for Valkyrie. Valkyrie mirrored Tanith's actions and stuffed a mouthful into her mouth.

Valkyrie clicked on the last video in the folder. While it loaded she turned the volume up on the computer.

The screen showed Dexter, Tanith, Alice, and Valkyrie standing in their coats and hats in the snow, the distant Irish countryside ever so faintly visible behind them.

Fletcher's voice came over the speakers.

"You guys say Colorado!"

Saracen in his giraffe suit whizzed past on his skis while shouting.

"I'm a giraffe!"

Valkyrie and Tanith both burst out laughing. Valkyrie spraying popcorn everywhere like Tanith had done with the crisps the previous day.

"Really?"

"Sorry…" Valkyrie apologized.

Tanith shook her head.

"So which one do we do next?" Tanith asked. They hadn't gotten further than deciding on the first one and that's because it snowed and Tanith suggested it in her zombie sleep deprived state. She'd recovered after an unhealthy dose of caffeine courtesy of a Starbucks as-many-shots-of-espresso-as-allowed coffee.

"There are many to choose from," Valkyrie said, "I got an idea though, we watch a random compilation and the first one that comes on we do that one. Weather dependant."

"I like that idea."

A few clicks and typed words later and advert for a pasta strainer was playing before the hour long vine compilation.

"Damn adverts, can't even skip it," Valkyrie said through another mouthful of popcorn. It was another one for "Wish", they seemed to be very popular these days.

"It's loading," Tanith said, "annnnddd…"

"I am the sand guardian, guardian of the sand."

Valkyrie grinned. "Perfect."

"It's still snowing," Tanith reminded her.

"It goes around the world, just - la la la la la."

Valkyrie paused the video on the second vine.

"How about this one?"

"That looks fun, we've got blankets and sunglasses. How about this one, and then once the snow's gone and it's all cleared we do the sand guardian one?"

"Perfect." Valkyrie grinned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Next time we have Valkyrie, Tanith and Alice recreating the kids dancing in blankets and sunglasses to ATC's All Around the World vine.
> 
> Here's the link to the vine, add it on after youtube dot com/
> 
> watch?v=xO4LaAHJqxw
> 
> The language used for goodbye in the last chapter was correctly stated in ff.net, and the shout out goes to - Madman2.60 over on fanfiction.net. They have a couple Skulduggery Pleasant fanfictions you should check out.
> 
> The shout out slot for ao3 is still open for whoever is first to leave a comment with the language used as goodbye in the last chapter. 
> 
> If you have any requests either leave them in a comment with the vine and any characters you want to see alongside Valkyrie and Tanith recreating it. And if you know the language used below, say what it is in a comment. First person to get it right will get a shout out in the next chapter.
> 
> Until next time, Doviđenja!


	3. All Around The World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by me.

The rain fell down fast and heavy washing away the remaining snow, creating puddles and mini rivers that ran downwards alongside the pavements.

Valkyrie sat curled up on her window seat, her fluffy grey blanket wrapped around her combined with her warm black fleece pyjamas gave the feeling of a cocoon.

"Ya ready for vine number two?" Tanith came skipping into the room, a bright red blanket tied around her shoulders like a cape. A sort of deranged Supergirl with messy hair.

"Yas!" Valkyrie cheered.

"Whoo! Number two!" Alice came hollering into the room, her own purple blanket tied like Tanith's.

"Least there's no snow involved this time, it was so cold last time, I have no idea how Saracen managed in that costume," Valkyrie said hopping down from the window seat.

"You got the music?" Tanith asked.

"I got the music set up on youtube, ATC's All Around The World, and the camera is set up for recording. You ready Alice?"

"I was born ready," Alice stuck a gangster style pose, crossing her arms and leaning to the side.

"She's totally your sister," Tanith commented. Valkyrie laughed.

"So who's up front?" Valkyrie asked. The furthest they'd gotten in planning was getting the blankets and sunglasses, and the music.

"Me! Me! Me!" Alice exclaimed, jumping up and down.

"You know what to do Alice?" Valkyrie asked.

Alice nodded and stopped jumping. She began bouncing up and down and shifting side to side.

"Oh, sunglasses! They're still upstairs, I'll go get them!" Tanith ran off, cape streaming behind her, most likely up the walls to get the three pairs of sunglasses sitting upstairs. Valkyrie didn't hear Tanith on the stairs, proving her thoughts that Tanith did not use the stairs to be true.

"Tanith's crazy isn't she?" Alice asked, looking at the door Tanith had ran out.

"She is," Valkyrie agreed.

"She's fun though."

"I'm baaack," Tanith singsonged as she ran back into the room holding three pairs of sunglasses. Valkyrie didn't hear her on the stairs this time either, presumably she'd used the wall again for her descent.

"I got the sunglasses! One for you," she tossed one to Valkyrie. Valkyrie caught them and put them on, instantly darkening the room.

"And one for you," Tanith handed a pair to Alice before slipping her own pair on. "One for me."

"Sort out your blanket Alice," Valkyrie said.

Alice put her sunglasses on before pulling her blanket up over her head, renouncing her cape for a hood. Tanith and Valkyrie did the same.

"Now we're ready," Tanith said, starting to bounce around in the style of the vine they were about to recreate.

Alice laughed at her and started bouncing around again.

"I'll show you how to work the laptop Alice," Valkyrie said, stepping beside the laptop. It was loaded up on the music, fifteen seconds into the video, on 1.25 speed setting. Taking into account reaction time from her laptop, the recording would need to begin at 20, 21 seconds. She'd spent hours last night listening to the song and watching the vine again and again to figure it all out from listening, instead of relying on watching the time. The song now permanently embedded in her brain. It played constantly. Damn neurons.

"You gotta start the music and then go onto the camera. You press this button here," Valkyrie tapped the space bar on the keyboard," to start recording, you have one second to get out of sight of the camera before you pop up dancing, I'll tell you when it's time to start recording and dancing. Then I'll pop out behind you and then Tanith behind me. At the end I'll tap you again to stop recording."

"Hopefully we'll get it done in one try this time," Tanith said. So far they had no luck with getting it done on the first try. It was only their second vine though, plenty time to get it done first try in the future.

"How many tries was it the first time?" Valkyrie asked, it had taken many, many attempts but she couldn't remember exactly how many.

"I lost count. But many, at least to 10 I think," Tanith answered as she adjusted her blanket hood.

"Enough talking, let's do this!" Alice jumped up and down on the spot.

"Alice is right, let's do this!" Tanith agreed.

"Places everyone!" Valkyrie instructed.

Alice stood at the front a few steps back from the laptop, Valkyrie crouched down behind her and Tanith behind her out of sight from the watching camera.

"Okay Alice, turn on the music and then go straight onto the camera app on the bottom bar," Valkyrie said. Alice nodded and stepped forward. She pressed play and the music began.

_Playing songs that I have never heard_

Alice clicked onto the camera and held her finger on the space button.

_I don't know what to say_

"Be ready to hit record when I say."

_Not another word_

"Record."

Alice hit the spacebar and ducked down.

_Just - la la la la la_

Valkyrie tapped her and Alice jumped up, popping into view on the camera bouncing side to side.

As Valkyrie popped out to the side her blanket fell down off her head sliding down. She caught sight of what they looked like and immediately burst out laughing. She flopped forward, letting her unbrushed and beyond tangled hair fall over her face as she laughed.

Alice followed suit and collapsed to the floor in a fit of laughter. Her blanket draped over her like the elven cloaks from Lord of the Rings, only purple and an unsuccessful camouflage.

Tanith stared for a second at Valkyrie and Alice before the laughter infected her too.

* * *

"Okay, let's try again," Valkyrie said once they'd calmed down and stopped laughing. "We've got this."

Valkyrie stopped the recording, which was now just a long video of them laughing and Alice rolling on the floor. It'd make a good outtake, not as good as the giraffe ones but it would be something. She then set the music back to 15 seconds.

"Places people!" Alice instructed.

Valkyrie sorted out her blanket and crouched down in front of Tanith. Alice stood in front of the laptop.

"And play!" Valkyrie said.

Alice started the music, clicked onto the camera and waited.

Valkyrie waited too.

_Playing songs that I have never heard_

_I don't know what to say oh not another word_

"And record."

Alice hit record and ducked down.

_Just la la la la la_

Valkyrie tapped her and Alice popped up and started dancing again. Valkyrie popped out behind her and kept her face straight as she could. They looked only slightly ridiculous. Tanith appeared on the screen behind her.

Valkyrie bounced about before reaching forward and tapping Alice.

Alice bounced forward and stopped the recording.

"Two tries! We are epic." Tanith twirled around.

"Woop!" Valkyrie cheered and let her blanket fall off her head.

* * *

"What one we doing next?" Alice asked.

"I am the sand guardian, guardian of the sand," Valkyrie said.

"Poseidon quivers before her!" Tanith added.

"That last part is not Alice friendly," Valkyrie said.

Tanith laughed and Alice pouted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this one! Next time it's Valkyrie, Tanith and Fletcher with a little help from Xena.
> 
> Here's the link to the vine , add it after youtube dot com/
> 
> watch?v=KpUWQVx1PnU
> 
> This chapter's shout out goes to - no one on here but goes to Danny Murphy on fanfiction.net. This slot is still open (on both ff.net and ao3) for the first person to leave a comment with the language used for goodbye in the last chapter.
> 
> Again any requests leave in a comment and if you know the language used below, leave it in a comment.
> 
> Until next time, adjö!


	4. I Am The Sand Guardian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by Kenrick MNP on ff.net and partially edited by me.

The beach stretched ahead of them, dotted in the distance with the occasional person. Tanith and Valkyrie held a shovel each as they walked across the sand, searching for a spot to start digging. Xena ran ahead but stopped every so often to make sure she wasn't too far from them.

"How's here?" Valkyrie asked, as she sunk the blade of her shovel into the sand and leaned on it. There was a patch clear of seaweed and not too close to the waves, but not too far either.

"Seems good," Tanith said. She began digging, the sand was soft and easy to lift. She looked at Valkyrie, "You gonna help?"

"God's sake, gimme a chance!" Valkyrie said jokingly, then pulled her shovel from the sand and helped. Between them they dug a hole maybe a metre wide on all sides. The sand went from being soft and dry to damp and hard, then it began filling with water.

"Oh damn. I'm going to get absolutely soaked, aren't I?" Valkyrie said, her face slightly flushed from the extortion of digging the hole.

"Yeah, but look at it like this: You were always going to get covered in sand, so why does it matter if you get wet? You'll have to take a shower either way."

"I know, but the water will be cold, and it'll be uncomfortable. Are you sure you don't want to be buried?"

"I'm quite sure," Tanith said. "Come on! This was your idea, don't make me do all the work."

Valkyrie sighed dramatically, dragging it out and grumbling like some sort of goblin, but continued digging.

A half-hour later and the hole was roughly four feet deep. Deep enough so that if Valkyrie was standing in it, she would be buried to her waist. However, it had filled halfway up with water, and there were small pieces of seaweed sneaking in (though neither Valkyrie nor Tanith could see how). The idea of standing in that still unsettled Valkyrie, and at this point she desperately wanted Tanith to go in instead. She signed up for humour with a side of sand. Not water.

Tanith didn't seem to agree.

"You're better at being buried!" Valkyrie argued.

Tanith put her hands on her hips. "You know I'm not far off one hundred years old and I've never been buried. You, however, have been lost in caves many times, that's like being buried, so I'd argue that you're better at being buried."

"Being lost in a cave is not the same as being buried!"

"I know, I'm just messing with you."

"So, you'll let me bury you?"

"Sure, why not?" Tanith hopped into the hole. The water splashed when she landed.

"How is it?" Valkyrie asked.

"Not bad, I don't think you'll mind it."

Before Valkyrie's brain could register what she meant, Tanith grasped her hands and pulled Valkyrie into the hole. When Valkyrie fell in, she squealed, and Tanith stumbled against the wall of the hole and tried to pull herself out in one move, but the sand collapsed, and she slid into the water. She looked up to see Valkyrie shaking with laughter.

"Seems like your grace has abandoned you," Valkyrie remarked. Her trouser legs were soaked and so was the bottom of her shirt.

"A small price to pay," Tanith said triumphantly. "There's no point in arguing now, you're already wet, and you fit in the hole."

Valkyrie opened her mouth to argue, but her shoulders sank and she gave in "Fine then, you can bury me."

"Yay!" Tanith cheered, she stood up and clambered out of the pit. She picked up her shovel and began scooping the sand back into the hole. It had piled up next to them. If Alice had been there, she would've been dwarfed by it. Valkyrie's feet were covered, and the sand was slowly climbing up her shins. It felt like cold cement on her skin. Once most of Valkyrie's legs were covered, Tanith stopped and looked at something in the distance.

"What is it?" Valkyrie asked.

"Xena's sniffing at something."

"She always does that," Valkyrie said as she tried to twist round to see Xena.

"Yeah but it looks like a dead thing. Wait there."

"I've not really got any choice, have I?"

"Nope," Tanith said as she jogged towards Xena.

* * *

Valkyrie stood watching the waves crashing into the sand. She heard Tanith shout Xena's name a few times. She once again tried to turn around, but she couldn't without breaking the sand around her legs. She saw a couple of people in front of her on the beach, walking towards her. They were still far away though. Valkyrie yawned, then the dark blurry figure of Xena shot past her. She had something in her mouth. A second after that, Tanith ran after her, stumbling through the sand.

"What does she have?" Valkyrie called.

"A dead seal!" Tanith shouted back.

It reminded Valkyrie of another Vine. The one of a kid running with a knife and his mother shouting at him. Only right now instead of a little boy it was Xena. And instead of a knife it was a dead seal's flipper.

"Xena!" Valkyrie yelled, "Come here, that's a good girl!"

Xena ignored her, and instead ran around in circles on the sand with Tanith chasing after her. The couple at the end of the beach were getting closer. Xena flopped to the ground and pawed at the seal flipper. Tanith stopped running and crept up behind her, crouched down to the sand. Xena heard her and looked around. They stared at each other intently for a moment. Then Tanith leaped at her, and Xena skipped back with the flipper in her mouth. Tanith scrambled through the sand reaching for Xena, who walked backwards slowly, as if she were toying with Tanith. When Tanith eventually got her feet beneath her, Xena turned and ran at full speed, not remembering there was a hole with Valkyrie in it. She fell in in front of Valkyrie and got a fright from the water. She dropped the flipper and jumped out. Quickly, before Xena remembered about it, Valkyrie bent down and picked up the flipper. Xena looked at her with her ears pricked up and her tongue hanging out. Her lips stretched back like she was smiling.

"Do you want it? Yeah? You want it?" Valkyrie spoke to her in an excited tone that made Xena's tail thump against the sand.

"Umm, Valkyrie?" Tanith said. Valkyrie looked up and saw the couple that had been walking towards them. They looked at Tanith, whose clothes were soaked and covered with sand, and they looked at Valkyrie who was half buried in a hole holding a severed seal flipper above Xena.

"Oh… Hi Fergus, Beryl," Valkyrie said.

Neither her aunt or her uncle spoke for a moment. They were probably too confused by the scene in front of them.

"Hi Stephanie," Beryl said eventually, "enjoying the shift in the weather, I see."

"Yep. As you can see." Valkyrie smiled. It had been snowing up until two weeks ago and mostly raining after that. But the break in the weather provided the perfect opportunity for a day at the beach.

"So, are you two just out for a walk?" Valkyrie asked, hoping not to start a conversation, but still wanting to be polite.

"Yeah. Just looking for something to do on these boring days without the twins," Fergus said.

"Yeah I see what you mean," Valkyrie said.

"So, what are you and your friend up to?" Beryl asked. Tanith waved slightly when she acknowledged her.

"We're umm, we're making a video thing. It's for… a thing."

"I see."

They stood in silence for a second, then Fergus said, "What're you holding?"

Valkyrie noticed she was still holding the seal flipper. She said, "It's just a dog toy, for Xena." Then she threw it away before they studied it. Xena bounded after it.

"Oh, well, we'll leave you two to your video thing," Beryl said.

Valkyrie smiled. Fergus and Beryl walked on down the beach. Valkyrie waited a few moments, then called for Xena, who still had the seal flipper. She looked up and wagged her tail but didn't come over. Tanith called now, and she still didn't come over.

"Come here, Xena!"

Tanith slowly crept towards Xena, who was increasing the pace of her wagging tail as she waited for her chance to run. They stared at each other the same way enemies stare at each other on the battlefield. Then Tanith shot forward and landed on the flipper. Xena jumped back from it in surprise. Tanith stood up with it, jumping in triumph and cheering. She paid no attention to the two old women walking past giving judgemental stares. Valkyrie waved and smiled at them.

They didn't wave or smile back.

"Okay, I can get back to work now," Tanith said. She shovelled the last of the sand into the hole. Valkyrie's shoulders were still exposed. Now they just had to pile it around her so that only her head was showing. Tanith scraped sand around her. Valkyries teeth were chattering with the cold, but Tanith didn't seem to notice. Soon enough she was finally buried.

"Righto. Now phone Fletcher and we can film this," Valkyrie said.

"Thank god, it feels like we've been doing this for hours. Where's your phone?"

Valkyrie thought for a moment. Then closed her eyes. If she had her hands she would hide her head in them. "Uhh… Shit. Dammit. Fuck. "

"Watch your profanity," Tanith said.

"You're right, sorry."

"What's wrong?" Tanith asked.

"My phone's in my pocket."

Tanith stared, "Like… Like your trouser pocket?"

"Yeeeah."

"Oh. Right." They both looked at the sand for a few seconds. "Not to worry," Tanith said eventually. "I have mine, what's his number?"

"I can't remember."

"Oh, come on!"

"I'm sorry. I've always had it on speed dial, so I've never had to remember it."

"Damn kids these days."

"Don't act like such an old person! Don't worry, I think I can remember it. I know it started with five, three, four. Then maybe a double 6? Yeah, double six. Then I think seven. No! it's zero seven. Yeah. Five three four, double six, O, seven. Then it was ummm... Dammit. Eight? Yeah. I can't remember the rest. There's two other numbers in it. I think it ends with another eight."

"So, we just need to work up from zero then. That's easy. Let's see…"

She dialled the numbers they knew for sure were in it: 534 66078 they started with 08 for the last two. Tanith pressed the call button.

"It's ringing," she said.

"I can hear," Valkyrie said.

"Hello?" said a random woman on the phone.

"Hi, I take it this isn't Fletcher's phone?" Tanith asked.

"No, you must have the wrong number."

"Yeah, thank you for that."

She hung up.

"Okay! One-eight now," Tanith said.

The phone was picked up by a guy who sounded like he smoked too much.

"Yeah?" He said when he picked up. In the background there was the sound of something hard banging against something soft. The sound of him poorly muffling the phone with his hand, then yelling, "Shut the hell up! God's sake. There's blood everywhere!"

"You're not Fletcher. Have a good day sir," Valkyrie said hastily, and Tanith hung up. They sat in silence for a moment.

"Do you think we should like… do something? About that?" Valkyrie asked.

"Nah, I'm sure it's fine," Tanith said.

"Yeeah."

"Probably just a very unprofessional butcher."

"Mm hmm."

Tanith called 534 6607828.

An old woman picked up the phone. "Hello?" she said,

"Hi." Valkyrie said, her head still the only part of her not covered by the sand this whole time. "I assume this isn't Fletcher's phone?"

"Oh yes, it is," the old woman said. Tanith and Valkyrie cheered silently, the old woman continued, "Yes, he's my husband, he's in the garden. Let me go and get him."

They heard the phone being set down.

"When the hell did Fletcher get married?" Valkyrie whispered in a harsh tone, " and why weren't we invited?"

"And not to judge but doesn't she sound a bit old for him?"

They waited in confused silence until an old man picked up the phone.

"Hello?" he said.

Tanith and Valkyrie said "oh" simultaneously.

"Sorry, wrong Fletcher," Tanith said. She hung up.

* * *

38

"Heya wassup bro?"

"That's not Fletcher," Tanith said.

"Nope."

* * *

48

"Greetings. Are you calling for the stuff?"

"No, thank you!" Tanith said before hanging up.

* * *

58

"Yes?"

"Fletcher?" Valkyrie said.

"No?"

"Bye then."

* * *

68

"Hello?"

"Yeah, take it Fletcher's not there?" Valkyrie said,

"Who's Fletcher?"

"B'bye," Tanith said. She hung up.

"This is getting tedious," Valkyrie said

"I know, but we only have a little while to go."

"Yup. Let's go."

* * *

78

The phone was picked up by a man who immediately started screaming at them.

"I've been calling all day and night! How useless are you?! Cheese-oh. At least you've FINALLY called back. Only after about ten flippin' hours."

"Um, I think we got the wrong num-"

The man began coughing and spluttering before Tanith could finish.

"No- don't you give me that 'wrong number' crap. You'll listen here and well. I was trying to contact the online customer service, but nothing was working. So, I saw the phone number on the website and I've been ringing for ages, but nobody replied."

Valkyrie smiled to Beryl and Fergus, who were heading back from their walk. They said hello but didn't seem to want another forced conversation. They heard the man on the phone and gave concerned looks. Tanith waved. The man on the phone continued

"I've been trying to contact you because the other night I ordered a life-size My Little Pony plush for my collection. Only for it to arrive soaking wet with a hole in the neck and stuffing running all out of it. Normally I would fix it myself but when I put the stuffing back in it was miss-shapen. Bloody Frankenstein looks prettier. Now-"

"I think you mean Frankenstein's monster," Tanith said before she hung up.

* * *

88

"Wait a second," Valkyrie said, "I would remember if it was double eight. So, it must be nine eight. Try that first."

Tanith called the number. Fletcher answered.

"Fletcher!" They cheered.

"Uhh, yeah?"

"We need you to come to the beach, quick as you can, please," Tanith said.

"Is it important?"

"Very," said Valkyrie

"Okay, give me a second."

A minute or so later, he appeared in front of them.

"What the…? Wait a minute," He looked over the scene in front of him. "Sand Guardian?"

Tanith nodded, smiling.

"I'm surprised you guys are still doing this Vine thing, to be honest."

"It gives us something to do. You'd be surprised how much free time we have," Valkyrie said.

"Fair enough," Fletcher said, "What do you want me to do?"

"Film," Tanith said, handing him the camera.

"So, you want me to start filming?" Fletcher asked when they got into place.

"Yup," Valkyrie said. "You know what the Vine looks like, just make it like that."

"In three… two…" Tanith waved her arm instead of saying one.

"I am the sand guardian, guardian of the sand," Valkyrie said in a very poor English accent. Tanith jumped into the shot, slapping her arms on the mound of sand.

"Poseidon quivers before her!"

Fletcher quickly teleported around so that he was filming the back of the sand mound.

Valkyrie cried "Fuck off!" to the waves.

Tanith said, "Cut!"

Fletcher stopped filming.

"How'd it turn out?" Tanith said as she walked to Fletcher's side.

"Pretty damn good," Fletcher said confidently. He handed her the camera and she played the video. It began with Tanith's countdown, then looked decent until the part where Valkyrie said, "Fuck off!" as Fletcher teleported behind her, the quivery camera caught Tanith as she crawled backwards like some sort of backwards demon-spider. It was a poor attempt at getting out of shot, but her leg could still be seen, until she stood up. Then it was her arm in the shot and Tanith could be heard saying "Cut!" before the video ended.

"Well that was terrible," Tanith said.

"Yeah, now that I see it, it is pretty bad. Sorry," Fletcher apologised.

"No worries. We'll just do it again."

They got into position once more, but before they could begin filming, Valkyrie said,

"What if we take two separate videos? One for the first part, then another for when I scream 'fuck off!' Then we can edit them together. It might be easier than you having to skilfully get out of shot and you having to switch the camera angle. Badly."

"That's a good idea," Tanith said. Fletcher agreed.

They began filming.

"I am the sand guardian, guardian of the sand!"

"Poseidon quivers before her!"

Fletcher tapped his finger against the record button to stop filming.

"Okay, Fletcher. Get it so that only her head is in the shot," Tanith said. Fletcher did so, kneeling on the sand like a true photographer.

"Action!" He said enthusiastically and pressed the record button.

Valkyrie said, "fuck off!" And he pressed the button to stop filming. Tanith came over to play the video.

"Wait a minute," she said, "it's still recording. Dammit, Fletcher."

"Oh damn. Just take the 'fuck off' video again," Fletcher said.

Fletched kneeled behind Valkyrie the same way as before, and began filming.

"Fuck off!"

He stopped filming.

"Now, let's see how that turned out," Tanith said, and went back to the 'I am the sand guardian' video. It began okay. Valkyrie said her line, Tanith jumped into the shot and said her line, but it didn't stop filming when it should have. In the video, Tanith stood up and said, "Okay, Fletcher. Get it so that only her head is in the shot," then there was footage of Fletcher's leg, then some sand, then Valkyrie's head. It ended with Fletcher saying "Action!"

"Oh my god that was such a colossal train wreck," Tanith said.

"What happened?" Valkyrie asked.

"He didn't stop filming the first time. Then when he tried to begin filming for the 'fuck off' one, he stopped. Then started filming when that one was supposed to end."

"Oh god. I think we need a new cameraman. No offence Fletcher."

"None taken," said Fletcher.

"Okay," said Tanith, "take one more, then if that one messes up, you can go get Dexter, or Saracen, or literally anyone else."

"Righty," Fletcher said. "Three… two… one… Action!"

"I am the sand guardian, guardian of the sa- Xena, NO!"

Xena bounded into the shot and began furiously licking Valkyrie's face, and clawing at the sand.

"Xena, come here!" Tanith said, then when that didn't work she tried to physically restrain Xena. But she was a very wriggly and very large dog, and her wet fur only made it harder to hold her back.

"Xena, come on!" Fletcher whined in despair. He picked up a lump of seaweed and began waving it like a dog toy, "Look, Xena, what's this?"

Xena looked 'round, her ears pricked up, and then Fletcher smiled, seemingly successful. But then his smile faltered, as Xena began running towards him at full speed. He looked to his left and his right in a panic, not quite sure what he was looking for. Then as Xena was about to jump at him, he shrieked and teleported away. Tanith and Valkyrie looked at each other in silence. Xena stopped running and turned around to look at them, a disappointed expression on her face.

"If he doesn't come back to film us in three minutes I am going to chop off his arms," Tanith said.

"Well I won't say anything when we're questioned over his mysterious dismemberment."

Tanith sat down, her back resting against Valkyrie's sand mound. Xena wandered over to the water.

"So what vine do you want to do next?" Valkyrie asked. Tanith was just about to open her mouth when Fletcher reappeared next to them. Tanith yelped.

"Finally! You were gone for ages. We were beginning to think you teleported to the middle of the ocean and drowned," Valkyrie said.

"I was gone for like half a minute," Fletcher said, frowning. "I accidentally teleported to the Sanctuary waving this seaweed around. The Cleavers thought it was a weapon and just about chopped off my head. It's lucky Ghastly was there. He asked what I was doing but I wasn't quite sure how to explain so I just patted his head and left without saying anything."

"Well at least it was a happy ending," Tanith said, "but the tide's coming in and we need to get this Vine filmed."

"I thought you said I only got one more chance?"

"That last one was Xena's fault, so you get another one more chance," Valkyrie said. "Teleport her back to my house, she's had enough fun and we need to get this done."

"Okay…" Fletcher said nervously.

"What?" Valkyrie said

"It's just that, once you've had one running at you full speed with all intent to kill, your opinion on dogs changes slightly and they become ever so slightly terrifying."

"She had no intent to kill you, she had full intent to steal the seaweed out of your hand."

After Valkyrie said that, Fletcher remembered he was still holding the seaweed and quickly threw it away.

"I know, but It's still pretty nerve-wracking."

Tanith narrowed her eyes. "Fletcher."

Fletcher looked down to Valkyrie. "You know what? Tanith is much scarier than Xena."

"I know," Valkyrie said.

Tanith smiled.

Valkyrie called Xena's name, and she came running over to them. She sniffed at Fletcher's feet, and as he tickled her ear, he teleported to Valkyrie's living room. Xena looked around, confused by the sudden lack of wind. When she looked back at Fletcher, he had teleported back to the beach.

* * *

"Okay, you guys ready?" Fletcher asked, preparing to start filming.

"Yup," Tanith said.

"Yup," Valkyrie said.

"Excellent, then we shall begin," Fletcher said in his best supervillain voice. "Three… Two… One… Action!"

He began filming.

"I am the sand guardian, guardian of the sand!"

"Poseidon quivers before her!"

He stopped filming.

"Okay, I'm pretty sure that was a success," Fletcher said, "Is it weird that my legs feel a bit weak? Like I genuinely think I might freak out if we get this wrong."

"Same," Tanith said.

"Let's get the last video taken. Your legs may feel weak, but I can't feel mine at all," Valkyrie said.

"Okay, let's do this, motherfuckers!" Fletcher said.

"I think you're getting over-excited," Tanith said, moving behind Valkyrie so there was no chance of being filmed.

"I think so, too. Okay, Val, ready? Action."

"Fuck off!"

He stopped filming.

"Success?" Tanith asked warily.

"Success," Fletcher said, nodding.

"Are you sure?" Valkyrie asked.

"Let's check," Tanith said. Fletcher handed her the camera. She played the first video.

"I am the sand guardian, guardian of the sand!"

"Poseidon quivers before her!"

Tanith went to the next video immediately and played it.

"Fuck off!"

Tanith and Fletcher looked at each other with wide eyes. Tanith played the videos again. And again, just to be sure there was nothing wrong. There wasn't.

Fletcher teleported away somewhere, then reappeared with a party-popper, which he immediately popped.

Valkyrie burst out of the sand. "Success!" She cheered as lumps of sand rained down on Tanith and Fletcher. Fletcher shrieked when sand got in his hair. Valkyrie's legs were numb, and she immediately fell over, her arm slipped into the hole she just came out of and she rolled backwards. Tanith laughed at them both.

* * *

Fletcher took them both to Valkyrie's house, and after three failed attempts (Xena wouldn't stop sniffing, licking, or jumping on him) he went home to get the sand out of his hair.

Valkyrie found Tanith hunched over the computer, googling how to combine two videos together. It wasn't being very helpful.

"I'm beginning to think we should go back out to the beach and take the video as one," Tanith said. She hurriedly added a quick "only joking" after she saw the look Valkyrie gave her.

"Why don't we get someone else to combine them? You know, someone with actual computer skills? Does Gracious know how to do that stuff?" Valkyrie asked. She had changed into her pyjamas after showering. Tanith was still wearing her wet, sandy clothes.

"I have actual computer skills. I simply haven't fully discovered them as of yet."

"Well I'm going to lie on the floor. Let me know once you've discovered your talent."

"Will do," Tanith said.

Valkyrie lay on the floor and Xena came and curled up next to her. Being on the floor didn't subside her boredom, so she got up (disturbing Xena along the way) and picked up her phone. She connected her earphones and shuffled her music. 'Smooth Criminal' by Michael Jackson came on. She hummed along and fell asleep.

* * *

Sometime later, she was woken up by Tanith, who had turned the volume way up on her phone, nearly giving Valkyrie a heart attack.

"Jesus Christ!"

"Sorry," Tanith said

"Could you not have just slapped me like a normal person would?"

"I was about to, but I thought this would be funnier,"

"Okay," Valkyrie nodded, "I feel like it would've been funnier if I hadn't been deafened."

"For you, maybe. But I found it adequately humorous," Tanith added a tone to her voice that implied mock-sophistication.

"What was so important that you had to wake me?" Valkyrie asked.

"I discovered my talent. The videos hath been combined," She clasped her fingers together and she said the word 'combined'

"Have you watched it? Is it good?"

"I was waiting for you to wake up before I watched it. I got impatient. Let's watch it now."

Valkyrie stood up and shuffled towards the computer. Tanith pressed play on the video.

"I am the sand guardian, guardian of the sand!"

"Poseidon quivers before her!"

"Fuck off!"

The video ended exactly where it should have.

"It's perfect," Valkyrie said.

"I know. I'm not gonna lie, I'm tearing up a little. Wait, that is a lie, at this moment I have no tears," said Tanith, wiping at her eyes one after the other, double, then triple checking for tears.

"So what Vine do you want to do next?" Tanith asked.

"Not sure. I have Smooth Criminal stuck in my head, isn't there one with that song in it?"

"Yep. That one's easy. Let's do it now."

"It's maybe a bit late for that. It's a very noisy one," Valkyrie said, "plus, I'm tired. I need sleep, unlike you apparently."

"I've mastered the art of not functioning like a normal person."

"I've noticed," Valkyrie said dryly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this one, next time Valkyrie and Tanith recreate the "Annie are you okay?" Vine.
> 
> Here's the link to the original sand guardian vine, add it after youtube dot com/
> 
> watch?v=8N5B0DQ2eDo
> 
> And the shout out goes to - no one. There are two open shout-out slots available on both ff.net and ao3 if you can leave a comment with the languages used, the ao3 slot if yours. You can even get more than one shout out if you want if you get more than one language.
> 
> If you have any requests, leave a comment and if you know the language used below, first person to get it right gets a shout out next chapter.
> 
> Until next time, addio!


	5. Annie Are You Okay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by me.

* * *

 

"I got the pan!" Tanith came running into the living room, a large saucepan on her head.

"Here's the wrench," Valkyrie held out the red handled wrench to Tanith. Tanith took the wrench and removed the pan from her head, moving it to the crook of her arm with the bottom on the pan facing outwards.

"Time for a practise hit." Tanith whacked the wrench off the pan.

"Perfect." Valkyrie grinned. It was loud and the metallic sounding clang echoed slightly as the sound waves reverterbrated through the metal.

"You sorted out the music?" Tanith asked. She hit the pan again. And again. And again. Once she'd stopped, Valkyrie replied.

"Yup. It's set up at 55 seconds, we begin filming at 59 seconds to start at 1 minute."

Like with "All Around The World" Valkyrie had watched the vine and listened to the music over and over to get the timing engraved into her brain.

Tanith hit the pan.

"You've got it sorted," Tanith said,"very precise."

Tanith hit the pan again. And again. And again. A steady three beat rhythm, a single beat rest before she began the pattern again. She changed up the pattern. Clang. Rest. Clang. Rest. Clang. Rest. Clang-clang.

Valkyrie shook her head. Only Alice was that noisy and she was seven.

Valkyrie pushed her index finger through her hair, in line with her left temple to create a side parting. She threaded her other fingers into her hair and swept it up and over her head in a dramatic side quiff style. She went over to the laptop and clicked on the tab with the vine open. She re-watched it, checking she got the hair right. She ran her fingers through her hair, pulling strands forward to fall over her face.

Tanith was still repeating that banging rhythm. Clang. Rest. Clang. Rest. Clang. Rest. Clang-clang. Dramatically lifting up her legs and tossing her long, loose hair. At least she had the movements right. The rhythm however, was decidedly off.

Valkyrie clicked back onto the tab with a lyric video for Michael Jackson's Smooth Criminal set at 55 seconds.

"Tanith," Valkyrie said.

Tanith stopped hitting the pan. Her hair hung over her face. Tanith bent forward and the straightened up again, flipping her hair back like Ariel in that scene from The Little Mermaid.

"Yeah?"

"You ready?" Valkyrie asked.

"I am ready," Tanith said, adjusting her grip on her pan, "like the hair by the way."

Valkyrie clicked onto the camera. She saw herself on the screen. Her hair was only slightly crazy, at least only slightly crazy if her normal state was "windswept." Tanith was in the background holding her pan in her arm and her wrench in the opposite hand.

"Take five steps backwards," Valkyrie instructed.

Tanith walked backwards and disappeared off the screen.

"Let's do this!" Tanith exclaimed.

Valkyrie went back onto YouTube.

"Okay, I'm gonna start the music." Valkyrie counted down from three before she started the music and Smooth Criminal began playing from the speakers.

_Annie are you okay?_

One.

She opened up the camera app while counting the seconds in her head.

_So Annie are -_

Two.

_\- you okay?_

Three.

_Are you okay Annie?_

Four.

_Annie are you okay?_

Play!

Valkyrie pressed the spacebar to begin filming. She stayed leaning on the desk, her finger on the space bar, her face close to the screen and waited out the one second delay.

The laptop began counting the seconds filmed as the music hit the starting point.

_So Annie are you okay? Are you okay Annie?_

Valkyrie over-exaggeratedly lip synced along, trying her very hardest not to start laughing at herself again. She was making some very odd facial expressions. If she started laughing then Tanith would start and they already had enough videos of them laughing. It was then she really wanted to laugh.

" _Annie are you okay?"_

Tanith came onto the screen, high knees, tossing her hair and banging the pan in time to the music.

" _Will you tell us that you're okay?"_

Valkyrie pressed the spacebar and the recording stopped.

"Whoo! First take mother fu-"

There was a loud thud and two seperate clangs followed by a small "Ow."

Valkyrie whipped her head around. Tanith was lying on her back on the floor , the pan and the wrench on either side of her and the rug at her feet was turned up.

"I'm okay," Tanith said. She lay there for a second before kicking up her legs and jumping to her feet.

"So, what do you want to do now?" Tanith asked, "the day is young and I'm totally not in pain. We could do another vine?" Tanith slowly shook her head as she spoke, sorting out her hair in a lackadaisical manner.

"I have to take Xena a walk," Valkyrie said, watching as Tanith sorted out the rug and picked up the pan and the wrench.

"I dented your pan," Tanith said, inspecting the side of the pan, "sorry about that."

Tanith handed Valkyrie the pan. Valkyrie shrugged. She never used that pan anyway. Gordon hadn't either. It lived it's whole life in a cupboard gathering dust, a pan with no purpose.

"I'll come with you and Xena," Tanith said. She was quiet for a second "Should I get a dog?" Tanith asked. "Then we can go on doggo playdates and take them walks together."

"Doggo? Where'd you learn that?"

"The internet. A wonderful thing. I happen to like that website "tumblr", though I've found it can be a dark and scary place at times. There's lots of those meme things though, they're cool and of course beloved vines…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next Valkyrie and Tanith take Xena for a walk, and a vine recreation opportunity or two presents itself...
> 
> Here's the link to the original Annie Are You Okay vine, add it after youtube dot com/
> 
> watch?v=8N5B0DQ2eDo
> 
> Shout out goes to - no one. There are multiple shout out slots available now. There's also slots available on fanfiction.net. 
> 
> Got a request? Send it in! Know the language used below? Send it in a review!
> 
> Until next time, aloha!


	6. Moo Motherf*er

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by Kenrick MNP

Clouds covered the sky, threatening more rain, but every now and again a ray of sun would escape and glint off the damp road.

Valkyrie and Tanith, along with Xena of course, strolled along a rather lonesome country road on a gradual hill. They didn't notice the hill as they were walking, but when they looked back they could see Valkyrie's mansion below them. They had walked a fair bit and passed from the sparse woodland that covered the mansion's grounds, to regular old fields.

"Seriously though," Tanith spoke as if they were in the middle of a conversation, even though it had mostly been comfortable silence the whole way. "The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of getting a dog for myself."

"A dog would suit you," Valkyrie said, her hands stuffed in her coat pockets. "What type would you get?"

"I don't know. Maybe a German Shepard like Xena. They can team up and take down hooligans on the street."

Valkyrie chuckled, "what type of hooligans would two dogs take down exactly?"

"I don't know," Tanith said, frowning. "Maybe like cats that steal stuff from butcher shops?"

"Pretty sure cats don't do that," said Valkyrie.

"Yeah. Maybe not a German Shepard. Something equally as ferocious-looking though. Like a Rottweiler. Or a Doberman. You know, I used to babysit my neighbour's Doberman. Then the neighbour died. And then the dog died."

"That's sad," Valkyrie said.

"Yeah, but he will forever live on in my memory." A car passed so they moved to the side of the road, something that Xena did without having to be told. The grass was long and wet. It made the legs of Valkyrie's trousers damp, but she didn't mind. Once the car had passed, they moved back onto the middle of the road.

"What would you name it?" Valkyrie asked.

"I'm not sure," Tanith said. "How are you normally supposed to name dogs?"

"I think it depends on the dog. Either its appearance or its personality. Like a small dog would be called Muffins or something, then a big dog would be called something slightly more threatening, like Nuclear Bomb."

"Nuclear Bomb is a terrible name for a dog, no matter how threatening it is," Tanith said.

"I know, but it was the first threatening thing that came to my head."

"Fair enough," Tanith said.

Up ahead there was a field with cows grazing close to the wall. Valkyrie spotted them, "oh damn," she said, "I better get Xena, she always barks at cows and tries to get in the field to play with them."

"They're pretty much big dogs. You should let her go in and see what happens," Tanith said.

Valkyrie looked at her. If a question mark could be a facial expression, that would be her face.

"I'm kidding," Tanith said.

"Good. The last thing we need is a farmer yelling at us."

"True, but cows seriously are friendly. I used to babysit my neighbour's cow."

"Is that the same neighbour with the Doberman, or a different one?"

"Different one," Tanith said, nodding repetitively and smiling. Valkyrie studied her.

"I can't tell if you're joking or not," Valkyrie said.

"You will never find out."

"No really. Did you babysit a cow for your neighbour? Tanith? Tanith, did you?""

Tanith walked off, smiling mischievously but not saying anything.

They caught up to Xena too late, she was already whining and barking playfully at the cows who studied her unenthusiastically while chewing lumps of grass. Tanith looked at the cows and a smile broke out across her face.

"Hey. Hey, Valkyrie…" she said.

"Yeha?" Valkyrie said as she hooked Xena's lead onto her collar, "I'm concerned by that smile."

"Moo Motherfuckers," Tanith said slowly.

A look of realization struck Valkyrie's face. That look morphed into a demented grin.

"Moo Motherfuckers," Valkyrie said, nodding, "You're suggesting we do that now?"

"Yup. It's simple to do. We don't need anyone to dress as a giraffe, we don't need music. All we need is a cow or two. And we have that right here."

"Exactly. Wait, who's going to do it? There's only one person in this one, so only one of us can do it."

"Oh damn. That's right," Tanith said. "Rock paper scissors?" She suggested.

"Yeah, that's the easiest way to decide."

"Either that or we can have a fight to the death but that's too messy," Tanith said.

"I agree," Valkyrie said, nodding with a smile.

"'kay, ready? Let's go,"

They each beat their fists against their other hands palm. Tanith said, "rock, paper, scissors!"

Valkyrie said, "Scissors, paper, rock!"

Tanith paused before they finished.

"Did. . . Did you just say 'scissors, paper, rock'?" Tanith asked, tilting her head as if to hear better.

"Uh, yeah. . .?"

Tanith's face twisted into a look of mock-horror and disgust. "You can't say it like that!" She cried.

"Why not?" Valkyrie asked, offended.

"You just can't! It's not right." Tanith folded her arms and looked away from her, her lower lip protruding outwards, like a pouting toddler.

"You're being silly, aren't you?"

Tanith's pouty face melted into a smile. "I'm always silly," she said.

"Right come on, we've not got all day," Valkyrie said, crouching down for no reason and getting ready to finish their game of Rock-Paper-Scissors.

"You know, you still committed a serious Rock-Paper-Scissors offence. You should be ashamed of yourself."

"It's just the way I've always said it," Valkyrie said.

"Shame, I say. Shame!" but Tanith got ready for the game.

This time they both said, "rock, paper, scissors." Valkyrie went paper, Tanith went scissors.

Valkyrie frowned. "Shit," she said

"You lost because you said 'scissors, paper, rock.'

"Oh god, what have I started?" Valkyrie asked herself, looking to the sky. "Well, you should be proud of your victory. Do you mind if I walk over to that tree over there," Valkyrie pointed to a lone tree a few yards down the road, "I'll take Xena, and we'll watch you do it from a safe distance."

"Righty, can I have your phone? Gotta film it on your phone, you know."

Valkyrie fished her phone out of her jacket pocket. "Yeet," she said, as she chucked it at Tanith with a gentle underarm throw. Tanith caught it and stood by the field's fence. Valkyrie walked backwards to the tree.

"Hello, cow," Tanith said, leaning over to pat the cow. "I'm afraid you're about to be called a motherfucker. Please don't take this personally, we're just recreating Vines."

The cow seemed disinterested and didn't grace her with a reply. Tanith opened the camera app and got it ready for filming. She gave a thumbs up to Valkyrie, who returned it from the safe distance of the tree.

"Right," she said, and pressed the record button. "M-" She began sniggering before she could say anything else.

Valkyrie looked at Tanith, who was now bent over, her shoulders shaking and her hand covering her mouth. Her sniggers had turned to straight up laughter and the laughter turned to giggles. Valkyrie struggled to stop herself from laughing, too. She succeeded, barely.

"Tanith?" She called.

Tanith looked up, still struggling to breath, and held her thumb up at her.

Tanith looked at the unamused cow again. "Once more, I apologise," she said.

She pressed the record button and zoomed in slightly on the cow, pointed the camera at the poor creature, then she yelled,

"MOO, MOTHERFUCKER, MOO! MOO MOTHERFUCKA!" She dragged the last syllable out and increased the pitch.

The cow ran away from her, as did some of the others in the field, although they weren't near her to begin with. Before she stopped filming, she zoomed back out, with the camera still pointed at the cow and said, "moo," at a more respectable volume, but no less silly voice.

She turned to Valkyrie and gave her another thumbs up. Valkyrie began walking towards her. When she got within talking distance, Tanith said,

"I'm fairly certain I got that right. Here, I'll take Xena," she held out her hand and Valkyrie gave her the lead. Xena seemed to have forgotten about the cows, but it was wise to keep her on the lead just in case. Valkyrie opened her mouth to say something, but was interrupted by the sound of a gunshot.

"Jesus fuck!" Tanith cried. "The hell was that?"

Valkyrie pointed across the road to the end of the field opposite the one with the cows. There was a house, and coming from the house they saw an old man. A farmer, possibly the owner of the cows. He hobbled down the road, shouting gibberish they couldn't hear. He carried a shotgun of some description, holding it with both hands he waved it above his head.

"Oh bollocks," Valkyrie said. "He's coming over here. Very slowly but he's still coming."

"Should we stay and talk? He looks kind of crazy, what if he shoots at us? Also he looks like the type of guy that smells bad. I think we should run."

"Run," Valkyrie agreed. She began jogging back the way they came but saw Tanith and Xena running further down the road, so she quickly changed direction and darted that way.

About half a mile down the road they stopped running. The house with the crazy farmer was out of sight, and the fields were beginning to sprout trees again.

Tanith undid Xena's lead, and they stood in place for a moment trying to catch their breath, Tanith with her hands on her hips and Valkyrie slouching so low that her hands were almost touching the ground. They looked at each other for a split second before they burst out laughing.

"God," Tanith giggled, "did he actually shoot at us?"

"I didn't see, if he did though, fuck him," Valkyrie said.

"I hope he doesn't stay out looking for us. We have to go back that way, don't we?" Tanith asked.

"Yep, we do. Let's go down this way for a little while. He looked very old, so I'm sure he'll go inside soon."

* * *

The road was now surrounded by thick trees on both sides. Weeds sprouted from the cracks in the concrete below them, and mush from rotted fallen leaves dirtied their shoes. The sound of running water came from somewhere around them.

"Here's your phone," Tanith said. Valkyrie took it and had a look at all her videos. Most of the recent ones were the Vines they had recreated, but there was a few of Alice or Skulduggery (and in a couple it was both of them) doing silly things, and one of them was of her dad getting chased by a wasp while his foot was stuck in a bucket of half-set cement. Valkyrie tapped the most recent one and the two of them watched as Tanith terrorised the cow.

"Damn, first try," Tanith said, and they high-fived each other.

"Apart from this," Valkyrie said, and played the video taken just a minute before the Moo Motherfucker one. In the video, Tanith said only the letter M then she began giggling through her nose. Valkyrie and Tanith laughed at the videos but stopped when Xena barked at something. They looked up and heard feathered wings flapping for a moment, then it stopped.

Tanith and Valkyrie looked at each other, then looked back in the direction of the sound. They tiptoed further down the road, and the change of perspective revealed a duck, waddling along, minding its own business behind a tree.

Valkyrie and Tanith looked at each other once again, and they both knew what the other meant.

"God," Tanith said, "is today Piss Off Innocent Animals Day or something?"

"Must be," Valkyrie said, shaking her head slowly with closed eyes. She opened the camera on her phone once again. "Hey duck!" She shouted, zooming in on the duck. "You're no good, duck!"

Tanith continued, "you'll never be shit!"

"You're just. Like. Your father!" Valkyrie's voice wavered a bit, trying to keep down the laughter. She stopped recording and looked over to Tanith, who had a massive grin on her face.

"Two in one day, bitches," Tanith said.

They sat beneath a large oak tree and watched the duck video a couple of times, they re-watched the cow one, then all the others they had done..

"We should probably go now, it's getting near Xena's dinner time and she's getting restless," Valkyrie said.

"Yeah," Tanith said, standing up and stretching. "The Crazy Old Man is probably gone by now."

"Surely he will be," said Valkyrie, and they began walking back up the road.

When they reached the stretch of road that lay in front of the Crazy Old Man's house, they increased their pace. They kept their heads straight ahead, in case the Crazy Old Man was sitting on his porch.

"Can you see him?" Valkyrie whispered.

"No. Can you?"

"If I could see him I wouldn't have asked you."

"That makes sense," Tanith said. "Okay, okay. Fuck. I'm gonna look," she turned her head and looked, then swiftly turned her head back. "Shiiit he's there."

"He is? Oh damn."

"He's just sitting there. I think he's looking at us."

"Do you think he's dead?" Valkyrie asked. Their whispers were getting harsher.

"Oh damn. What if he is? I don't want that on my conscious."

"You used to be an assassin," Valkyrie reminded her. "Besides, why would that even be our fault?"

"Why are we whispering?" Tanith asked, ignoring her.

"In case he can hear us."

"I don't think he can hear us, he's an old man," but Tanith still whispered.

I'm gonna peek" Valkyrie said. She glanced at the Crazy Old Man. "Oh fuck I think he's pointing the gun at us."

"What?" Tanith looked at him now, and he was. "Oh shit, run!"

They began running down the road, "come on, Xena!" Valkyrie said, and Xena sprinted alongside them, thinking it was a game. They ran past the field with the cows, who still didn't appear to care that they were there. Tanith waved at the one she terrorised as they passed it.

"I can hear him shouting something," Tanith said, shouting so that Valkyrie could hear her while they ran.

"It sounds like gibberish," Valkyrie said.

"That's what I thought," Tanith said.

* * *

They got back to Valkyrie's house without being shot. They found Skulduggery on the couch waiting for them. Xena immediately jumped onto the couch and flopped onto his knees panting with her tongue hanging out. Skulduggery sighed, grieving another pair of trousers lost to dog hair. He patted her neck anyway.

"Have fun?" he asked.

Valkyrie and Tanith nodded.

"We terrorised some cows," Valkyrie said, "and annoyed a duck."

"Then a Crazy Old Man pointed a gun at us and shouted gibberish," Tanith said.

"Ah," Skulduggery nodded. "So just a normal Wednesday."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, Tanith shows off her skateboarding skills as Valkyrie and Tanith continue recreating vines.
> 
> Here's the link to the vine add it after youtube dot com/
> 
> watch?v=ylJj_Cv8TEc
> 
> This chapter's shout out -
> 
> Standard business, if you have any requests send them in, and if you know the language used below say so for a chance to get a shout out next chapter.
> 
> Until next time, hwyl fawr!


	7. F*ck This S*t I'm Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by me. Also disclaimer - I know nothing about skateboarding and I know very little about Dublin architecture and geography.

"Road trip! I call shotgun!" Tanith sprinted off to the car, Xena at her heels.

"There's no one else to take shotgun!"

Valkyrie stopped to lock the door of Grimwood before running after Tanith and Xena. They were waiting at the car for, Xena with her paws up on Tanith's shoulders as Tanith scratched behind her ears.

Valkyrie unlocked the car once she reached Tanith and Xena.

"Xena goes in the boot," Valkyrie said, "It's all blanketed out for her."

Valkyrie walked round and opened the boot. Xena dropped back down to all fours and padded over to Valkyrie. Valkyrie stroked her head before Xena jumped into the boot. She circled around on the blankets before laying down and resting her head on her paws. Xena always perked up once they started driving, she loved looking out the window and watching the world pass.

"Good girl." Valkyrie patted Xena's head before shutting the boot and getting into the car.

Tanith was in the passenger's seat, looking through Valkyrie's "minimal CD collection", in Tanith's words. Valkyrie thought she had enough, she had 15 CD's. Sometimes the glovebox didn't shut depending on how she arranged them.

"You have very little good music," Tanith remarked.

Valkyrie put the key in the ignition and elected not to reply. Everyone hated her music, Skulduggery didn't like it, Tanith didn't like it. Only her reflection liked it, and that's because her reflection was her.

"When's your bike out of the garage?" Valkyrie asked. The tire had gone on her bike when Tanith went to go home and it turned out there were a few more problems than just a blown tire. So Tanith crashed at Valkyrie's and the responsibility of driving fell to Valkyrie.

"Couple days at most." Tanith kept looking through the CD's. "Ooh, Halestorm! Maybe your music isn't so bad."

Tanith had found her "Into the Wildlife" CD, it was probably the only CD Valkyrie had that fitted Tanith's music taste. Tanith's music taste being largely rock and heavy metal.

Tanith popped the disk out of the case, put it into the CD player of the car and turned the music up loud.

The music blared out as they drove down the driveway and out onto the open road.

"We're going on a road trip Xena! Whooo!" Valkyrie cheered. Xena gave a small howl in response.

Tanith and Valkyrie cheered and Xena howled again.

Valkyrie put her foot on the accelerator and they sped up as they hit the main road that would take them to Dublin and the potential location of their next vine. They needed somewhere with steps with a railing and a metal fence right by the river.

* * *

Valkyrie parked in a small car park up the River Liffey. Xena began whining and pacing. Valkyrie got out the car, shut her door and headed to the boot. She opened the boot and caught Xena's lead. Xena leapt out and waited while Valkyrie shut the boot.

Once they reached the river Valkyrie let Xena off the lead and she ran ahead of them.

Valkyrie and Tanith walked along chatting about Tanith's plan to get a dog

Then they found it.

The path they were on was directly beside the river and was lined with a metal railing fence.

Valkyrie ran ahead and rounded a corner. She stopped. Tanith caught up within a second.

"Steps," Valkyrie whispered.

"With a railing down the middle," Tanith whispered.

"We have our location."

"It's perfect!"

They turned and looked at each other, both grinning crazily.

"This is going to be epic," Tanith said.

* * *

Valkyrie parked as near to the steps as she could, in a quiet street. Tanith climbed out and grabbed the skateboard from the back seat.

Valkyrie grabbed her bag of magic leaves from the tray thing beside the clutch and whatnot and stuffed them into her pocket before she got out and shut her door. Valkyrie leaned back against the car. She could see down the slight hill to the steps.

The steps were empty. The river was high. Her phone was charged. Her storage was plentiful. Everything was set.

"Now, we have to film every attempt in case it's the one," Valkyrie said dramatically.

She heard a clatter and then wheels on concrete. Tanith skated around the front of the car and jumped up onto the kerb. Valkyrie didn't know much about skateboarding so she didn't know how Tanith managed to get up the kerb, let alone how she could get up onto the railing.

At least Tanith was willing to leap into the water. Maybe she felt bad about the whole beach thing.

Valkyrie walked while Tanith skated along. They talked about Skulduggery's latest jumper he'd presented the previous day. He recently bought a yellow v-neck jumper, also knitted. It looked pretty cool with his hat, not that Valkyrie would ever say that. Skulduggery would just use it against her every time she insulted his "impeccable" dress sense.

They reached the steps.

"Sure I can't rehearse?"

Tanith stopped and stood on her board looking at the railing. She seemed unsure now they were actually there

"Sorry Tanith, but we can't risk you managing it without filming."

Valkyrie jogged down the steps and stood at the bottom. She opened up the camera and panned it left to right. She'd get a good angle from here.

"Whenever you're ready," Valkyrie called out.

Tanith stepped off her board and picked it up. She walked back the way they came, about halfway up the slight hill to give her speed enough to jump up into the air with her board.

"I'm ready!" Tanith shouted down.

Tanith started skating towards her. Valkyrie began filming. Tanith approached the railing. She came at a building speed and reached the point where she should jump up onto the railing.

Instead Tanith turned sharply to the left and stopped.

"That is a lot higher than I thought! It seemed smaller before."

Valkyrie stopped filming and lowered her phone.

Tanith skated in a loop. She jumped up and flipped her board underneath her feet. She landed back on the board and headed back up the hill.

* * *

Valkyrie waited until Tanith was at the top of the hill before she lifted her phone again.

"I'm going in three, two, one!" Tanith counted down and then began to skate down the hill and approach the railing.

Valkyrie began filming.

Tanith reached the railing.

She jumped up and lost her board.

Tanith landed on the railing.

Tanith's skateboard did not.

The board went flying down the railing landing with a clatter on the ground. Valkyrie panned the camera over to the board and then up to Tanith, still balancing on the railing.

"Umm, cut?" Tanith held out her arms as she wobbled slightly.

Valkyrie stopped filming.

"Nice landing."

"I know right?" Tanith hopped down and Valkyrie got her skateboard for her. Tanith thanked her and ran off back up the hill.

"I'm ready!"

Tanith started cruising down the hill.

Valkyrie started filming.

Tanith approached.

Tanith jumped.

Her board, once again, did not.

Tanith landed with one foot on the railing and lost her balance. She fell backwards onto the stairs.

"Ow, my tailbone," Tanith moaned. "Cut!"

* * *

Tanith skated down the hill.

Valkyrie began filming. Hopefully this time both Tanith and her board would jump, unlike the last two attempts.

Tanith and her board both jumped up into the air only to land on the railing. Tanith was meant to have turned around in the air before landing.

The board tipped violently to the side as Tanith struggled to balance it out, not having expected that outcome. The front wheels went off to the left and the rest of the board followed.

Tanith was dumped to the side, landing and rolling down the stairs, coming to rest at the bottom of the stairs.

Tanith cursed.

The board did nothing but lay like a turtle stuck on its back where it had landed after falling.

* * *

Tanith walked back up the hill carrying her board. She had declined Valkyrie's offer of a leaf. She wasn't as hurt as she probably should've been, benefits of wearing a Ghastly Bespoke vest under her casual clothes.

Tanith and her board jumped into the air.

Tanith and her board missed the railing. She'd taken a different angle and misjudged it.

She landed halfway down the stairs and skated down the rest of the stairs on the back wheels of her board, landing back on all four wheels at the bottom.

"Cut," Tanith said as she skated past Valkyrie.

Valkyrie lowered her phone.

"Fourth time lucky?" Valkyrie asked.

"Fourth time lucky."

* * *

Tanith and her board skated down the hill, Valkyrie began filming and watched on the screen as Tanith leaped into the air.

The board hit the railing an inch or so below the bar and Tanith was thrown forward into the railing.

She thrust out her right arm and grabbed the railing, using her momentum to flip herself over the railing. She landed on her feet on the edge of the second from bottom step. She stumbled backwards down the bottom step and landed in a sitting position facing up the stairs.

Tanith leaned back to lie on the ground.

"It's all good!" She stuck up her thumb. "You can stop filming now."

Valkyrie waited a second as Tanith dropped her arm and groaned. She stopped filming.

"You okay?" Valkyrie asked.

"Any chance of a leaf?"

Valkyrie pulled the bag of leaves out of her pocket and tossed them over to Tanith.

"Thank you."

Tanith stood up with a groan and popped a leaf into her mouth before walking back up the stairs and collecting her board from where it had fallen backwards after hitting the railing.

* * *

"Ready when you are," Valkyrie called up.

"I'm ready."

Tanith skated down towards the railing, the leaves had worked and she was pain free from her falls. She jumped up turned around in midair, then skating successfully down the railing for the first time.

Adrenaline spiked through her.

The high ended when she landed. Splatting onto her belly on the ground. She rolled over to spread the impact and the rough ground scraped at the skin of her arm.

Tanith groaned, "cut."

* * *

Skate.

Jump.

Turn.

Land.

Fall.

Tanith swore loudly as lost balance and fell to the stairs. She bashed her shoulder and once again rolled down the stairs.

Tanith sat up.

"Cut," she paused, "I'm gonna need some more leaves."

Valkyrie stopped filming and took the bag of leaves out her pocket again. Tanith opened her mouth.

"Really?"

Tanith nodded.

Valkyrie placed the leaf in Tanith's mouth by the stalk part.

Tanith closed her mouth and chewed the leaf.

* * *

Tanith skated down the hill.

She jumped with her board and turned in mid air, landing onto the railing and skating down the rest of it. Tanith balanced herself and managed the landing, continuing on smoothly towards the fence.

All she had to now was jump.

Skate.

Then jump.

Skate.

Jump.

The fence got closer.

Then the stone appeared.

Tanith's board hit into a large loose stone, she'd landed further left than intended, past the area they had checked and cleared.

Tanith stumbled forward off the board and almost hit into the railing. Almost. She stopped herself before she reached the metal.

"Cut."

* * *

Valkyrie started recording.

Tanith skated down the hill.

She jumped and turned and landed on the railing. She skated down the railing and landed on the ground.

Almost there. Nothing much could go wrong now, they'd finish on take 5, or was it 6? And then they'd be done and could start planning the next vine.

Tanith skated onwards to jump over the fence.

A small dog ran past Valkyrie heading straight for Tanith.

"Tanith!" Valkyrie called out in warning.

The small dog, Valkyrie could now see was a Yorkshire Terrier with a white bow in its head, ran up to Tanith barking it's little head off.

Tanith swore and swerved to avoid it. She turned quickly in a 180 turn to save herself from hitting into the railing. The dog ran over to her and ran around the board while barking at her.

The dog lunged for Tanith's ankles.

Tanith stumbled backwards off her board. She landed on her feet and the dog lunged again.

It was highly amusing, watching Tanith face off a tiny dog. Valkyrie kept filming. This would make a great outtake. They already had some great outtakes but this one could be the best yet.

"Valkyrie!" Tanith called out for help

Valkyrie laughed and made no move to help Tanith as the dog kept barking and lunging.

"Watch you don't kick it," Valkyrie offered helpfully.

Tanith stepped down off her board and backed away as the dog kept advancing. She turned around and leaped up onto the metal fence, settling into a crouch her, hands gripping the metal bar. The little dog was jumping up and down barking but its small stature meant it couldn't reach Tanith.

"What does it want?!" Tanith asked. Her tone changed to a more relaxed vibe, "And where can I get one? I want a little attack dog like this bow wearing demon, it looks so inconspicuous until it's trying to kill you."

Tanith squeaked as the dog leaped up again.

"You are so precious, please don't attack me!" Tanith said to the dog.

"Oi, leave my bleedin' dog alone!"

An old man came shuffling up in beige trousers and a blue coat covered in an unidentifiable grey substance. His scraggly beard was santa white and Valkyrie spotted toast crumbs and other food related substances in there.

"Your dog is attacking my friend," Valkyrie said, calmly. Old people were nicer when you gave them their unearned respect. A lot of old people she'd met thought the world and everyone in it owed them whatever they wanted. She'd had many experiences with old people in shops who had no problems cutting in front of her, or that old guy who kept sighing and tutting when the new staff member was going too slow.

Valkyrie lowered her camera but kept filming.

When he got closer she could smell him. He smelt like a burning Wretchling mixed with an athlete who had been training in the sun without wearing deodorant or showering for three years. It made her want to gag.

"Lady Perdita does not attack people. She is a sweet and loving little dog." He sprayed spit when he spoke in a thick North Dublin accent.

Lady Perdita lunged up at Tanith and snarled. So very, very sweet and loving. Valkyrie tilted her phone to get the man in the camera.

"She is literally trying to bite my friend right now," Valkyrie pointed to where the dog was still leaping up and barking relentlessly, "she's barking and trying to get to my friend who is literally crouching on the railing to avoid getting bitten and is very near falling."

"You are lying. People these days, none of you have any respect for your elders. You stand here on your ridiculous mobile device and accuse my precious little Perdita of what? Attacking someone?"

"If you just look over to my left you will quite clearly see my friend up on the fence and your dog trying to attack her."

"I do not believe you."

Valkyrie sighed. She'd dealt with asshats like this guy before but he was the worst. It was the smell. It made everything about him so much worse.

"Okay, clearly you have some hearing issues, which given your advanced age seems highly likely, you might even have problems with your eyesight, but your attitude is appalling and there isn't an excuse for that," Valkyrie said. "I get it you're old but that does not mean I have to offer you any respect especially after you insult me and call me a liar. Now take your vicious rat of a dog and your filthy beard and even filthier jacket and that terrible, terrible body odour and leave me and my friend alone."

"Valkyrie!" Tanith called out her voice tinged with panic. Valkyrie looked over and held her still recording phone up in time to catch Tanith falling over the railing with a cry. There was a splash and some startled quacks and flaps of wings.

"Welp, your dog's killed my friend. Thank you," Valkyrie said in the most deadpan voice she could.

Lady Perdita kept barking and barking. The old man stared at Valkyrie for a second.

Then he called the dog over. Lady Perdita trotted over to him, looking every bit innocent and ladylike.

"Good day," Valkyrie said, adopting a sweet tone," I'm going to go and retrieve my friend's corpse. Maybe they'll be doing that to you soon, you already smell like a corpse, and you do seem on your way out of the world."

"You are a very rude young lady," the man spat.

"And you are a very rude old man. I tried being polite but you were rude to me first. I call it a balance. Good bye."

Valkyrie walked over to the railing and held her phone over the railing. Tanith was floating on her back in the river.

"Hey," Tanith said, "cut, I guess."

Valkyrie stopped filming.

"You alright down there?" Valkyrie peered down. There were loose feathers scattered across the surface of the river.

"I almost hit a duck."

Valkyrie burst out laughing.

"Poor duck."

"Poor duck indeed. I liked that little dog back there. Shame it tried to attack me. I want one."

"We'll get you a yorkie," Valkyrie nodded, "For now, you want to get out the water?"

Tanith rolled over onto her stomach, making little waves. She swam a few strokes before the water was shallow enough to stand. Tanith put her hands and feet down on the ground and pushed up into a standing position, the water reached below her knees. She waded out on the sloped stoney bank, climbed up the steep hill and onto the pavement, slipping through the gap between the end of the railing and a thick hedge.

"Let's try again," Tanith said wringing water out of her hair.

* * *

Tanith was soaked through yet she skated onwards down the hill and towards the railing.

She jumped up and turned in the air, landing on the railing and skating down the rest of the railing. She landed on the right course and skated across the ground. No little yappy dogs ran up this time. She jumped off her board aiming for over the fence and crashed straight into the fence.

"Ooof."

Tanith dropped down to the ground, her back landing on her board.

"I jumped too early. You got any more leaves?"

Valkyrie tossed her the bag again. Tanith took two and stuffed them into her mouth. She'd lost her other ones when she took her impromptu swim, thanks to that yappy dog. It was a cute dog though, the little bow was sweet. Shame about the bites on her ankles. None had broken the skin but they hurt.

The pain left as she chewed on the leaves.

* * *

Tanith cracked her knuckles and rolled her shoulders, then cracked her neck. She placed her foot on the board and pushed off skating back down the hill towards the railing.

She jumped up with her board and turned in the air.

Her wet hair whipped across her face, obscuring her vision.

There was a jolt as she landed on the railing. Tanith adjusted her balance and skated down the rest of the railing. She managed to land on the ground and once she was skating towards the fence Tanith used one hand to try to push her hair out her eyes.

She didn't know when to jump. When was she meant to jump? She couldn't get her bloody hair out of her eyes. So Tanith leaped blind.

Her foot caught the top of fence.

She flipped forward yet again and went over the fence.

She fell.

She closed her eyes and took a breath.

She hit the water and went under.

Tanith pushed off the river bed and surfaced gracefully. She may be losing all her dignity through this but at least she could still swim as elegantly as a Mermaid.

She breathed in fresh air.

Valkyrie was leaning over the railing holding her phone up again.

Tanith waved and gave her the thumbs up.

Valkyrie pointed behind her, a worried look on her face. Tanith turned slowly.

A large white swan was gliding slowly towards her.

"Tanith. Swim," Valkyrie instructed.

Tanith dove to the side and went under the water, swimming quickly, arms stretched out in front of her until her hands hit the shore. She pushed up, as if doing a push up, got her feet under her and ran across the slope.

"Run!" Valkyrie yelled.

The swan hissed loudly.

Tanith crashed through the hedge and tripped over the branches, regretting now turning back there and getting up the steep drop at the end of the fence. She rolled down the hill landing at the water's edge further along the river. She hurriedly stood up. The swan was still gliding menacingly along. It had stayed in the water was was now only feet in front of where she lay.

Tanith swore.

She got up to her feet and ran along the shoreline. There was another mass of hedges in front of her. Beyond that there was a strip of grass. She just had to get past the hedges.

They were too thick to fight her way through,even if she'd had her sword with her.

Tanith made a choice. She'd probably regret it but she was going to do it. She was not going out this way.

The swan was getting closer.

Tanith ran straight at it. She hollered a war cry and splashed through the water towards the swan. She turned right within an arm's length of the swan and ran onwards through the river. The swan opened up its wings and hissed at her again.

Tanith headed back in towards land. She could see the grass. She ran towards it and leaped out of the water, landing on the grass and rolling parkour style to land onto her feet.

The swan flapped its wings and gave up. It glided onwards.

Tanith exhaled heavily. Today was not going well. She'd fought a God. And now she was being defeated by a skateboard. Goddamn it.

* * *

"You alright to keep going?" Valkyrie asked. Tanith looked a bit beaten up and her soaking hair was now tied back to prevent another preemptive leap of faith.

"I've fallen too many times not to nail this thing, and if that swam comes near me again, I will fight it to the death."

"It's illegal to kill a swan," Valkyrie said. She'd heard that somewhere. They were protected or something, or maybe that was just in the UK. Still it wasn't worth Tanith going to jail over.

"Damn it. I hate that bird."

"It's made a great outtake. I followed you from the path and caught you running screaming at the swan," Valkyrie started laughing again. She heard Tanith laugh too.

She calmed down and started filming once Tanith started skating. Tanith approached.

Then jumped.

Then turned in the air landing on the railing. She skated down and landed easily.

Something buzzed around Valkyrie. Something yellow and black.

"Wasp!" Valkyrie frantically swiped at the air. From the corner of her eye she saw Tanith leap clearly over the railing.

The abomination kept buzzing around her. Valkyrie shrieked as it landed on her.

"Get off you abominable creature!"

Valkyrie slapped her hand down on top of it effectively smushing it into her arm and slapping herself.

"What's going on?"

Tanith's head appeared at the bottom of the railing. Her hands were gripping the metal bars. She must have walked up the wall. That would've been a better escape from the swan, rather than swimming away.

"There was a wasp," Valkyrie offered.

Tanith disappeared and there was another splash.

* * *

Tanith exhaled deeply. She was tired. She was bashed. She was bruised. She was scraped. She had fought through a hedge. She had ran screaming at a swan. And she was desperate to get this done.

She pushed off and skated down towards the railing. She jumped and twisted in the air, landing on the railing. She skated down , balancing out the landing and skated across the ground.

Tanith neared the railing. She pushed off her board and jumped neatly over the fence dropping down to the water. She braced herself for the cold and hit the water, breathing out as she dropped below the surface.

She paused for a second under the water feeling the cold water all over her, soothing her bruises. So calm and quiet. She felt the riverbed under her feet and stood for the smallest fraction of a second before pushing up to the surface.

Tanith surfaced calmly and breathed in fresh oxygen.

Valkyrie was leaning against the railing.

"We got it?"

"We got it," Valkyrie grinned.

"Yas!"

Tanith punched the air and half jumped, half flopped backwards into the river water.

She stared up at the sky, letting the water hold her up until there was a large splash and water hit her face. Tanith sat up, half floating in a sitting position. The water was disturbed.

Valkyrie surfaced beside her.

"Hey."

"S'up." Tanith nodded upwards.

"Uh, Tanith?" Valkyrie's tone was worrying.

"Yeah?"

"The swan's back."

Tanith swore.

"SwwwIIMM!" They both splashed frantically through the water trying to swim away. The swan hissed and flapped it's wings.

Tanith and Valkyrie scrambled their way onto the ground and ran up the hill. Valkyrie grabbed her phone from the ground and Tanith scooped her skateboard and they ran away and didn't stop until they reached Valkyrie's car.

* * *

Valkyrie sat in the computer chair on top of one of the golden couch cushions in front of the computer. She had showered once she'd gotten home and then changed into the black fleece pjs she'd worn while doing "All Around the World" and wrapped a towel around her hair. She'd broken her hairdryer by tossing it out the window the previous day and hadn't gotten around to replacing it yet. That would be tomorrow's job.

Tanith had gone for a shower too but had yet to emerge from it. She was probably still sorting out her bruises with the yellow rock. She'd taken a lot of bashes and rock hard punches from literal stone slabs.

Valkyrie connected her phone up to the computer and left it to synch up while she went off to the kitchen to collect some take away menus. She was hungry. Valkyrie looked at the menus. Chinese? Chipper*? Indian? Pizza?

Chips sounded good. Fish and chips from the nice place on Main Street. Her stomach rumbled at the thought of the vinegar covered, salty chips and crispy fish batter that leaves greasy fingerprints on everything.

Valkyrie took the chipper menu through to the living room for Tanith to look at. Tanith was sitting on an armchair that she'd pulled forward, wrapped in a blanket and her hair wrapped in a towel like Valkyrie's.

"I got the menu for the chipper if you want anything?" Valkyrie asked.

"Fish supper," Tanith answered immediately.

Valkyrie tossed the menu behind her. It landed on the floor somewhere.

"Same."

"How'd the videos turn out?" Tanith asked.

Valkyrie took her seat and opened up the videos after navigating through the folders on her phone.

"How many takes did we have?" Valkyrie asked, wondering out loud. She'd counted at first while taking the videos but forgot how many she'd taken after about four.

Tanith leaned forward and counted out loud while hovering her finger above each video thumbnail.

"One, two, three… thirteen."

"Unlucky thirteen," Valkyrie said, repeating a phrase she'd heard her whole life. What did thirteen ever do to be labelled unlucky?

"Can't be too unlucky. We got it done."

"True."

"I want to see the video with the old guy and his Yorkie!" Tanith said excitedly.

"Lady Perdita." Evil bitch with a stupid bow and a stupid owner.

"That was the dog's name?"

"Yup."

"Wow. Posh."

Valkyrie opened up the video and it began playing.

Tanith skated towards the railing and successfully turned in the air and skated down the railing. The yorkie with her bow appeared on screen, running barking towards Tanith.

"Tanith."

Tanith on screen turned sharply to avoid the dog and the railing.

They laughed as the dog advanced on Tanith and Tanith leaped onto the railing.

"It looks funny but it was actually terrifying. There's something about having a tiny dog lunging at you all teeth and snarls that is terrifying. Hence why I want one."

Valkyrie laughed, "ooh wait, this is when that horrible man comes up."

""Oi, leave my bleedin' dog alone!"

"He smelt so bad and he was so rude."

Tanith laughed as Valkyrie's onscreen voice insulted and berated the man.

"I can't believe you said that to him."

"He was rude."

"I always try whenever possible to eat the rude."

Valkyrie stared at Tanith in concern.

"It's from Hannibal," Tanith elaborated.

"Okayy. Let's sort out the music for the backing track."

* * *

"I don't know what the fuck just happened but I don't really care. Imma get the fuck up out of here. Fuck this shit I'm out!"

The music played as Tanith skated, jumped, turned, landed, skated, landed, skated and then leaped over the railing into the water.

"Six down," Valkyrie said.

"Many to go."

They sat and looked at their creation.

"We are so awesome," Valkyrie said.

"That we are," Tanith agreed.

Valkyrie nodded.

"So what one next?" Valkyrie asked.

"You know, I'm not actually sure."

"Let's think about it over our fish suppers," Valkyrie said.

"Sounds good to me."

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next, we don't know yet. Tune in next week to find out
> 
> * a chipper is slang for a fish and chip shop
> 
> Here's the link for the original song used in the vine and the vine Valkyrie and Tanith recreated. Just add it after youtube dot com/
> 
> Song - watch?v=5FjWe31S_0g
> 
> Vine - watch?v=F3ptb0XlOXY
> 
> There's no shout out this chapter again which means there's like 5/6 open shout-out out slots available
> 
> If you have any requests, send them in along with the characters you want to see alongside Valkyrie and Tanith. If you know the language used in this chapter's goodbye, send it in too.
> 
> Until next time, mar sin leat!


	8. I Am Disgusted,  I Am Revolted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by Kenrick

 

* * *

Tanith and Valkyrie stood above the washing machine. Tanith let out a long sigh. Valkyrie replied with a sigh of her own.

"I think we should get Alice to do it," Tanith said.

"No way," Valkyrie said. "What if she gets stuck? Mum and Dad will kill me."

"Don't be silly, you could totally fight them off. Anyway, if Alice gets stuck, then we definitely will."

"I don't actually think she would get stuck. I just don't want to risk it," Valkyrie said.

"Because you doubt your fighting ability when it comes to battling a middle-aged man and woman."

"Yes. That's why."

"So, if Alice isn't doing it, one of us has to," Tanith said. "Unless you think anyone else is willing?"

Valkyrie thought about it for a moment. "Not likely," she decided.

"So, it has to be one of us. . ."

They stared at the washing machine again, lost in their own thoughts. Pondering life, time, and the universe in general.

"Okay," Tanith eventually said. "Since you get claustrophobic, I'll do it."

"You're a brave soul," Valkyrie said. "Do you want to do it now? Do you need a minute to prepare? Maybe you should write a letter to your loved ones."

"I'm crawling into a washing machine, not a volcano. Tell you what, I'll climb into it, just for practice, then we'll do the Vine properly."

"Sounds like a plan," Valkyrie said. "But I'm going to film it anyway."

"Why?" Tanith moaned. "It's just so that you can re-watch my humiliation when I get stuck isn't it?"

"Pretty much," Valkyrie said.

Tanith glared at her comedically but didn't object when Valkyrie began filming. She squatted down and scooted backwards into the washing machine. She felt as if she had been folded in half already, and she was only halfway in. Valkyrie struggled to stay silent while filming, and plenty of snorts of laughter escaped her. In front of her, Tanith was also giggling. It was muffled and it echoed slightly in the washing machine. She was almost in completely; everything except from her legs were inside. Tanith pulled her left leg up and banged it on the rim of the washing machine.

"Ow," she said. Valkyrie burst out with laughter after hearing her. The washing machine was such a tight fit that Tanith's head was bent down, squishing her neck slightly and distorting her voice.

"You sound like a goblin," Valkyrie said,

"Thanks," Tanith responded in her goblin-like voice.

She gave up trying to get her left leg in and tried her right one. It went in easier, but her kneecap still grated against the outside of the machine.

"Remember you don't need to get all the way in," Valkyrie said, "in the Vine their leg is still sticking out a bit."

"Oh, thank fuck," Tanith said. "In that case, this'll do."

"Now the question that's keeping me on the edge of my non-existent seat: can you get out?"

Tanith stuck her feet out of the washing machine and wiggled her legs around. She slowly managed to shimmy out so that only her head and shoulders were inside. She stopped for a moment.

"Is there any way I can get out without banging my head on the floor?" Tanith said, holding onto the edges of the washing machine.

Valkyrie thought for a moment. "Nope," she eventually said.

"Oh damn," Tanith said. "Well, wish me luck." She slid out and landed on the floor with a thud. She didn't end up hitting her head on the floor but hit the washing machine instead. "Ow," she said again, quietly.

"At least we know you can get in and out with no hassle!" Valkyrie cheered, "you ready to go back in now?"

Tanith stretched her arms in front of her and slowly stood up, then stretched each of her legs in turn.

"Let's go," she said, nodding. "Better to get everything done at once, right?"

"Right," Valkyrie said.

Valkyrie set her phone on the ground, leaning against two of Gordons books piled on top of each other. It was held in place with a few blobs of blue-tac. She sat cross legged on a blanket behind it (she hadn't mopped the kitchen floor in a while and didn't like the idea of sitting on it too long).

"You ready?" Valkyrie asked.

"Yup," Tanith said.

"Aaand, action," Valkyrie slipped her finger into the gap between her phone and the books, and pressed record.

Tanith marched into the frame saying, "I am disgusted, I am revolted," in a pissed-off tone of voice. She turned her back to the washing machine and climbed in again. "I dedicate my entire life to our lord and saviour Jesus Christ, and this is the thanks I get?"

Now Tanith was in the washing machine. Valkyrie stopped recording.

"Seemed like it worked fine," Valkyrie said.

"That's good. Now, we have a slight problem."

"Oh damn, what's wrong?"

"Well. . ." Tanith hesitated

". . . Don't tell me you're stuck," Valkyrie said.

"Valkyrie, I'm not stuck," Tanith said. "But I'm kind of stuck," Her voice was beginning to sound like a goblin's again.

"Are you sure?" Valkyrie asked, "you got out fine last time."

"I know, but I can't get out now," Tanith said.

"Shit."

"I think my leg is wedged in, and I need both my legs free so that I can get out."

"You want me to try pulling your leg out?" Valkyrie asked.

"Yeah, but don't break my ankle, please.

Valkyrie gripped Tanith's shin with both her hands and pulled outwards and up.

"It's not working," Valkyrie said.

"I can tell," Tanith responded dryly but not unkindly. Valkyrie kept tugging at Tanith's leg. Valkyrie stopped trying this and took a step back.

"I hope this day doesn't end with me dismantling my washing machine," Valkyrie said.

"You may have to," Tanith said.

Suddenly they heard Xena bark from the living room, followed by a knock at the door.

"Oh damn," Valkyrie said. "I hate it when people come to the door unannounced. They always turn out to be serial killers. I mean not always, it's only happened like twice, but still."

"Just ignore it, help me get out," Tanith said.

"It might be important. Hold on a second."

Valkyrie walked out of the kitchen despite Tanith protesting, and left the door open. Tanith could hear her say something to Xena, then the sound of the front door opening. She heard snippets of conversation between Valkyrie and the person at the door. It sounded like the postman. Then, Xena came into the kitchen, her paws tapped against the laminate floor.

"Hey Xena," Tanith said. Xena cocked her head. Apparently, she hadn't noticed Tanith in the washing machine. Or perhaps she just didn't expect it. Xena pawed at the rim and whined slightly.

"I know, it's strange, isn't it?" Tanith said to her in the voice that was exclusively reserved for cats and dogs, but this time with the goblin twist. "Normally the clothes are empty when they go in here, aren't they?"

Xena replied with another confused whine and kept pawing at the washing machine.

"Hey, Xena. You wanna know something exciting?" Tanith asked. Xena didn't respond. "I'm getting a puppy tomorrow. I know! A sweet little creature, you can be friends with. If you don't eat it. But you won't eat it, will you? No, you won't!"

Xena whined slightly once more and pawed at the washing machine. Instead of the rim she tapped the plastic part just above it. The bit with all the buttons on it.

Including the button that switched the washing machine on.

"Oh no," Tanith said.

Water began to spill into the drum of the machine, soaking Tanith's clothes and hair.

"Oh fuck, no."

Valkyrie came back into the kitchen. "Hey good news; you know how I ordered that three-kilogram jelly-baby? Well guess what just- What the Jesus?"

"I can explain," Tanith said. The water was slowly beginning to spill out of the drum, which was trying to spin, but with the weight of Tanith sitting in it, it didn't work. It made the noises washing machines normally made, but with added creaking and groaning.

"I'm just going to assume there's no time for that," Valkyrie said, and rushed to the washing machine to turn it off.

"Actually, it's a pretty simple, story," Tanith said, "basically: your dog did it."

Valkyrie paused and looked at Tanith sceptically, trying to decide if she was being serious. Insanely, she was.

Valkyrie managed to stop the washing machine from turning (or trying to).

"Thank fuck for that," Tanith said. "It was shaking so much I thought it was going to explode. Or I was going to throw up. Maybe both."

"Have you tried getting out again?" Valkyrie asked.

"I haven't, actually," Tanith replied, "but I haven't moved much so I doubt it'll be any different." She wiggled her legs a little, grunting. "Nope," she said.

"Damn. Want me to try pulling you out again?"

"Yeah, good plan."

Valkyrie held Tanith's ankle and once more tried pulling outwards and up. Then, and idea sprung to her head. She pushed Tanith's leg further in to the machine, then lifted outwards and up. Her leg came out straight away. Tanith slipped out of the washing machine with a sheepish look on her face. She landed with a faint splat in the pool of water that had gathered beneath the machine. Xena watched them both with a mix of confusion and amusement.

There were a few seconds of silence, then Tanith said, "well that went really well!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next Tanith's new puppy takes the starring role as they re-create "Here He Comes"
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this one and as always any requests send them in.
> 
> There are multiple shout out slots available again both here and on Fanfiction.net for those who leave a review with the correct language we used in the goodbye.
> 
> Until next time, adíos!


	9. Here He Comes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by ElfWhoLikesCookies

 

* * *

"Everyone I want you to meet my precious Tyrannosaurus Rex. Also known as the great and glorious T-Rex."

Tanith appeared at the door of Skulduggery's living room, holding a dog lead. She stood tall and proud, tilting her head in a dramatic pose.

"Come on," Tanith dropped her pose looked behind her as she spoke softly.

She stepped into the room with a tiny Yorkshire terrier puppy at her heels. The pup barely reached her ankles and had a light ginger face framed in a heart shaped outline of dark fur.

"Aww! T-Rex!" Valkyrie squealed and dove to the ground. She crawled over the the puppy and held out her hand.

"Hello baby. You are so cute! You are! You are the cutest! I want to squish you!" Valkyrie cooed, her voice getting higher with each word.

"Woah, violent," Ghastly commented.

The puppy sniffed at Valkyrie's fingers before rolling on his back and letting her rub his belly.

"I will admit I was expecting a Rottweiler or a similar large dog. Maybe a German Shepard like Xena," Ghastly said looking at for dog lying with his legs akimbo and tongue lolling as Valkyrie rubbed his belly.

"T-Rex will be as terrifying as a German Shepard or any Rottweiler. You ever been attacked by a Yorkie? They're vicious fucks and I love them," Tanith said, crouching down to stroke Tyrannosaurus Rex. "He's my precious little guard dog."

"Will he be as well trained as Xena?" Skulduggery asked as he regarded the pup.

"He will," Tanith assured, "I'm going to train him not to pee inside, to sit, stay, lie down, roll over, give paw, play dead and attack. He will be my precious little well trained attack dog, and he will be feared by all."

"Should've called him Gollum," Skulduggery joked.

Silence.

"Get it "precious" like "my precious", like Gollum? Ghastly did you hear what I said? Valkyrie?" Skulduggery looked at each of them in turn. "Tanith?"

"We heard you," Valkyrie said dryly.

"I made a joke," Skulduggery said, "Why aren't you laughing?"

"It's not funny," Ghastly said.

"You're not funny," Skulduggery retorted. "George would've laughed," he added wistfully.

"George was a bee you walnut," Valkyrie said, "he couldn't have laughed."

"George would've appreciated my wit. He was a great companion."

"George?" Tanith asked.

"George was a bee he met Florida," Valkyrie explained.

"The Liana Lacuna case with the apparent kidnapping and the stolen ancient artefact that we then buried in the Floridian swamp."

"You buried an ancient artefact in the Floridian swamp?" Ghastly asked quizzically.

"What else where we supposed to do with it?" Valkyrie asked. T-Rex rolled over and stood up. He shook and then wandered over to Skulduggery. Skulduggery patted his head and T-Rex wandered off again, this time over to Ghastly.

"Feed it to a meth head?" Tanith suggested.

"Wrong kind of tablet," Valkyrie told her.

"Ah. Damn."

T-Rex lay down at Ghastly's feet, hiding behind his legs.

Ghastly just shook his head.

"How's your video challenge coming along?" Skulduggery asked. He had been told minimal details by Valkyrie about what they were doing. They had a plan involving Skulduggery and they couldn't risk him looking into vines online and finding out what they were doing. He had to believe he was the original creator, if it played out correctly. It would make it funnier when he discovered the truth.

"Pretty good," Valkyrie answered, "No one's dead yet and Tanith got chased by a swan. We've got a another one planned for little T-Rex later on," Valkyrie replied.

"You were chased by a swan?" Ghastly asked Tanith. Tanith looked away remembering the events of that day, when she was chased by a swan after throwing herself into the River Liffey, getting her foot caught on the railing, and then running screaming at the swan.

"I have it on video. Wanna see?" Valkyrie asked grinning devilishly.

"You don't need to do that," Tanith said.

"I totally do."

Valkyrie got up and walked over to Ghastly and Skulduggery and flopped down between pulling out her phone.

She scrolled down past the pictures and videos she'd taken since; various selfies of her and Tanith; selfies of her and Alice; the "I'm disgusted I'm revolted" videos.

Valkyrie reached the "fuck this shit" videos.

She clicked on the third one.

The screen showed Tanith skating towards a railing before leaping up with her board and turning in the air. She landed and skated onwards.

"Cool skating," Ghastly said.

"Keep watching," Valkyrie instructed.

Tanith skated along the path towards a metal fence with a steep drop on the other side.

Tanith jumped off her board. She caught her foot on the railing and flipped over the side falling down to the river.

Valkyrie laughed on the video. The camera shook as she walked over to the railing. Tanith was in the water, she waved at Valkyrie and gave her the thumbs up.

Tanith turned in the water and a swan came into view on the screen.

"Tanith. Swim."

Tanith swam over to the riverbank.

The swan hissed and Valkyrie was heard on the video shouting "run!" as Tanith crashed into some hedges.

Ghastly looked up at Tanith and then back down to the screen.

There was a vaguely Tanith shaped blur through the green.

The camera shook and footsteps came over as Valkyrie ran alongside the fence. Tanith was lying on her belly at the river's edge. Tanith stood up and ran onwards. There were more hedges ahead of her. She stopped.

"This is the best bit," Valkyrie said.

"It is," Tanith agreed.

Tanith ran forward into the river yelling and hollering. She turned to the side not far from the swan and ran downstream away from the swan. She disappeared as she passed the hedges.

Valkyrie on camera was laughing. Her laughter was cut out as she stopped filming.

Ghastly chuckled and Valkyrie laughed again.

"That was funny," Skulduggery said.

"See that's what humour is," Valkyrie said.

Skulduggery looked at her and Valkyrie could only assume he was glaring.

* * *

"Don't wreck my house," Skulduggery instructed as he set his hat in his head.

"We will," Valkyrie said cheerily.

"Don't let the dog pee on my couches."

"He won't," Tanith said coming into the hallway holding T-Rex in her arms.

"Good," Skulduggery nodded. He opened the front door and called for Ghastly.

"Coming!"

Ghastly emerged from the kitchen in a black outdoor jacket and green scarf holding a travel cup filled with tea.

"I'll see you later," Ghastly said to Tanith. He lightly kissed her cheek and patted T-Rex on the head before passing Valkyrie, nodding his goodbye, and stepping out into the rain behind Skulduggery.

The front door shut.

Valkyrie waited three seconds.

"Party time!" Valkyrie exclaimed.

"Vine time!" Tanith exclaimed holding T-Rex up into the air for a second before lowered him back down against her chest.

"Vine time! Then party time!"

"Whoop," Tanith said.

"To the living room," Valkyrie pointed to one of the living rooms, the one they had been in earlier.

"We're going to the living room T-Rex and then we're going to use you to recreate a vine," Tanith said to T-Rex as she walked into the living room, "you don't know what vines are but all you have to do is stay curled up like a little ball of fluff while Valkyrie holds you."

Tanith handed Valkyrie T-Rex.

"Aww baby," Valkyrie said, hugging the puppy close.

"Can I get your phone?" Tanith asked, "we've filmed all the vines on your phone. It's now tradition."

"It's here," Valkyrie pulled her phone out her pocket and held it out. Tanith took it from her and set it up on video.

"You ready?" Tanith asked holding the phone up to Valkyrie and T-Rex.

"I'm ready," Valkyrie said, "are you ready T-Rex?"

T-Rex tossed his head back and tried to lick Valkyrie's face.

"I think he's ready," Tanith said.

"Then let's commence with vine number eight!"

"Okay, and three, two, one," Tanith counted down and began filming, a now common practice.

"I want to see my little boy," Tanith sang smoothly and clearly.

Valkyrie held T-Rex as he began to wriggle in her arms, fed up of being held.

"Here he comes," Valkyrie sung half-assedly, more talking than singing.

"I want to see my -aaahh!" Tanith screamed as T-rex wriggled out of Valkyrie's arm and began to fall.

"Nooo!" Valkyrie cried.

Valkyrie dove down to catch him.

Tanith dove to catch him.

They whacked into each other. Tanith headbutted Valkyrie's stomach and Valkyrie dropped backwards onto the floor.

Tanith fell forward landing on top of Valkyrie.

"Oof. Get off!" Valkyrie pushed at Tanith.

Tanith put her hands flat on the ground and pushed up, jumping back on to her feet.

"T-rex!"

Valkyrie sat up and looked to Tanith.

"Is he okay?" Valkyrie asked hurriedly.

"He landed on the couch," Tanith said in a relieved voice. Tanith picked the pup up and hugged him tight. T-rex licked her nose before trying to chew it.

"Hey! Naughty." Tanith lightly tapped his nose. "My baby's teething."

Tanith grinned at Valkyrie, a proud dog - mother.

Valkyrie held T-Rex in her arms tighter as Tanith counted down from three.

"I want to see my little boy," Tanith sang

"Here he comes," Valkyrie put more effort into her singing this time.

"I want to see my little boy...and it wasn't recording."

"Really? You didn't notice?" Valkyrie stared at Tanith.

T-Rex selected Valkyrie's finger as his newest teething toy and began nibbling on her.

"I was too busy looking at the cutie," Tanith defended.

"But I sung so well," Valkyrie trailer her voice off at the end as she got quieter and quieter.

Tanith stepped forward and held T-Rex's head in her hands, stopping him chewing on Valkyrie's finger.

"Mwah! Mwah!" Tanith over exaggeratedly kissed T-Rex's head. "I love you baby!"

The dog tipped his head back and licked Tanith's chin.

"Awww," Tanith cooed, "you're so sweet and precious and I love you."

"Should we try again?" Valkyrie asked.

"One second."

T-Rex was still licking Tanith's face.

"Okay, okay, baby that's enough now," Tanith stepped back, "we have a very important task to do and you have to behave perfectly, okay?"

T-Rex licked the air trying to get to Tanith.

Valkyrie readjusted her grip on the dog before nodding to Tanith.

"I'm ready. T-Rex is ready. We can do this. We managed "Sand guardian" we can manage this. Right T-rex?"

Valkyrie blew lightly on the puppy's ear and laughed slightly as he shook his head.

"He's so cute!" Tanith said, voice high and childlike.

"It's so fluffy I'm gonna die!" Valkyrie kissed T-Rex's head.

"Okay okay we gotta get this done," Tanith sobered up. "And three, two, one."

"I want to see my little boy," Tanith sang the words smoothly in a low voice that could be identified as an alto (if Valkyrie or Tanith knew anything about professional singing) while Valkyrie could be said to be an mezzo soprano, higher than Tanith but not high enough to be a soprano.

She walked forward zooming in on Valkyrie and T-Rex.

"Here he comes," Valkyrie sung, putting the most effort she had put into singing so far.

"I want to see my little boy."

T-Rex sniffed at the camera and Tanith stopped filming.

"You were perfect my little boy!" Tanith lowered her phone and leaned forward kissing T-Rex on the head.

"Here you go," Valkyrie held the little dog out and Tanith scooped him up and hugged him.

"You are my perfect little boi."

"All hail T-Rex," Valkyrie said wisely.

"All hail T-Rex," Tanith agreed.

"Now let's see that video," Valkyrie said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time more snow, some skates and a jacket of knives. What can go wrong?
> 
> Sorry it's not as vine centred as the others but I hope you all still enjoyed it and T-Rex. We've reached the climax of the Tanith's dog subplot. Both T-Rex and Lady Perdita from vine number 6 are based on my own Yorkie. He is so sweet and adorable but he can be the most vicious dog I've ever met. Just ask my cousin about the scar on his arm….
> 
> Shout-out on fanfiction goes to - Guest. Thank you for taking the time to leave a review, it is greatly apprecitaed - BethShadows (ElfWhoLikesCookies) and Kenrick MNP.
> 
> Remember to leave the language used in a review for a shout. There are still many open shout out slots on here and on fanfiction.net so you can get a double shout out if you want. All you gotta do is leave a one word review.
> 
> The voices thing- Soprano and alto are female voices, soprano is high and alto is low. Mezzo soprano is quite a high voice, not as high as soprano but higher than alto.
> 
> As usual, requests leave in a review or a pm to BethShadows.
> 
> There are a few formatting issues in this, I will go back and fix them in due time.
> 
> Until next time, do widzenia


	10. Jesus Christ Val

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was wirtten by BethShadows
> 
> This chapter features blasphemous language.
> 
> I am noticing these, particularly my ones are evolving into more chapters than just vines. Do you guys like the extra stuff or do you prefer when it's just vines?
> 
> Also there was a change in schedule. This chapter was meant to be uploaded next week but there was a problem and this week's one (in my opinion) is not ready to be posted, so it will be up next Wednesday.
> 
> Sorry it's a day late, but here it is, enjoy!

 

* * *

"Tanith! Come quick!" Valkyrie cried out.

There was the sound of running footsteps then silence. Then a loud thud. Tanith appeared beside her.

"You called?"

"Look," Valkyrie opened the blinds.

"It's still snowing…"

"What was our snow list again?" Valkyrie asked.

"Blades are for skating, watch your language Jesus Christ Gage whatever it's called and the what's this snow one," Tanith said. "Jesus Christ Gage is probably a better one to do first. We haven't gotten the blade jacket sorted yet."

"You mean Jesus Christ Val?" Valkyrie suggested.

"Who says you're driving? Tanith asked.

"You don't even own a car," Valkyrie said.

"True, true. So you got the costume?"

"I got the Jesus Christ costume."

"You asked Skulduggery?"

"I will ask Skulduggery," Valkyrie took out her phone and called Skulduggery.

He answered on the fifth ring.

Valkyrie put the phone onto speaker.

"Hello?"

"Skulduuugery?" Valkyrie asked, drawing out the "u" sound.

"Yes Valkyrie?"

"Could you do us a favour?"

"Depends on what the favour is. And who 'us' is."

"Me and Tanith. Wo-"

"You mean Tanith and I?"

"No I do not. No one speaks like that. It's 2018 not the 1800's. Now, would you willing to dress up as Jesus Christ and fly alongside the car?"

It was silent for a beat.

"It isn't Halloween," Skulduggery said, "What's the need to dress up? And flying alongside a car?"

"It's for a video. Basically I'll be driving and then I brake. Tanith then hits into the dashboard and goes "Jesus Christ Val" and then you appear at the window and go "watch your language" before disappearing. Tanith will then go "Jesus" and reach for you but you will be gone."

Silence.

"Skul?" Valkyrie asked.

"Duggery," he finished.

"Have you really got anything better to do?"

"I have two murders and a break in to solve."

"So nothing. Meet us at Grimwood in an hour."

Valkyrie hung up.

"Well he didn't say no," Valkyrie said.

Tanith shrugged and seemed to accept it.

"I'll call Fletcher and get him over here. We'll re-watch the vine and get kitted out," Valkyrie said.

"You still okay to drive in the snow?" Tanith asked.

"Yas. I can manage."

* * *

Skulduggery turned off his phone as the dial tone beeped in his long deceased ear.

"What did Valkyrie want?" China asked.

"She needs me to dress as Jesus Christ and pull Tanith from a car window."

"Sounds fun," China said.

"Is that sarcasm? You know they say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit."

"And as I have said, they haven't met me. You should go. There's nothing more we can do but wait for the Bloodcats to show up tonight."

"Bloodcats. What a stupid name for a criminal enterprise."

"I agree. Now go help Valkyrie murder Tanith. I have a dinner party to plan for our criminal guests."

* * *

"Alexa play my jam."

"Playing "What'cha Want" by the Beastie Boys."

The song began blaring out from the speakers in the open doored bedroom, bathroom and from downstairs.

Valkyrie and Tanith emerged from the bedroom, taking small high kneed steps over to the top of the stairs. They both looked at each other and paused at the top.

_Well, just plug me in just like I was Eddie Harris._

Tanith pulled up her hoodie at the neck as if it was a collared shirt and tossed her hair back.

Valkyrie pulled up the collar of her grey fleece and smoothed her hair back pretending it was a quiff.

_You're eating crazy cheese like you would think I'm from Paris_

They went down one step in slow motion and stopped. They turned back to back and crossed their arms, pulling a pose.

_You know I get fly, you think I get high_   
_You know that I'm gone and I'm-a tell you all why_

Tanith went down the next step nodding her head to the beat and stopped.

_So tell me who are you dissing, maybe I'm missing_

Valkyrie did the same.

_The reason that you're smilin' or wildin', so listen_

They struck another pose. Heads tilted down and arms crossed again.

_In my head, I just want to take 'em down_   
_Imagination set loose and I'm gonna shake 'em down_

_Let it flow like a mud-slide_

They continued swaggering down the stairs, stopping each step to pose.

_When I get on, I like to ride and glide_   
_I've got depth of perception in my text, y'all_   
_I get props at my mention cause I vex, y'all_

They reached the bottom. Valkyrie looked to Tanith and nodded. They dabbed.

_So what'cha, what'cha, what'cha want? (what'cha want?)_

They stood back to back nodding as Fletcher emerged from the bedroom.

_I get so funny with my money that you flaunt, flaunt_

He walked in short steps with high knees and stopped at the top of the stairs. He pulled the same pose as Valkyrie and Tanith had.

I said, "Where'd you get your information from, " huh?

He continued onwards down the stairs in slow motion.

You think that you can front when revelation comes?

He copied Tanith and Valkyrie, stopping each step to pose.

_(Yeah, you can't front on that)_   
_Well they call me Mike D, the ever-loving man_

Valkyrie and Tanith swaggered off the side and stood in mirroring poses at the side of the stairs, arms crossed and heads nodding.

_I'm like Spoonie Gee, I'm the metropolitician_   
_You scream and you holler, 'bout my Chevy Impala_

Fletcher reached the bottom and dabbed.

_But the sweat is getting wet around the ring around your collar._

"What is going on here?"

Skulduggery Pleasant appeared in the hallway, hat in his hands and an aura of confusion.

"Being badass," Valkyrie replied.

Skulduggery tilted his head, "are you ready for the video?"

"We're just about ready to go," Tanith said, "once you're dressed."

"Just one more thing…" Valkyrie trailed off

"And that is?" Skulduggery asked.

"You must join us in a Mexican Wave. I want us all to work together as a time and this is the perfect display of teamwork."

"A Mexican Wave?"

"A Mexican Wave," Valkyrie said.

"A Mexican Wave," Tanith and Fletcher said in unison. They looked at each other and then looked away suspiciously.

Valkyrie looked over to Tanith and Fletcher, still eyeing each other, and then to Skulduggery. She nodded.

Valkyrie threw her arms back and wriggled them.

Tanith did the same.

Then Fletcher.

Then Skulduggery.

"Whoo!" Valkyrie cheered, "Skul you go get changed and let's get this thing going!"

"Whoo!"

Valkyrie and Tanith ran through the house and out the front door.

Their cheers changed to squeals as they ran back inside, wet and socked feet slapping on the floor.

"Forgot our boots," Valkyrie said.

"Whoo!" Fletcher cheered.

Skulduggery just stared.

* * *

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way

Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh hey!

Valkyrie and Tanith sang along loudly, ignoring that Christmas was months past and months away.

They occupied the front seats of Valkyrie's car whole Fletcher sat in the back with Skulduggery.

Skulduggery sat proudly in a white robe with a red sash across his chest, a wig and fake beard.

"I feel uncomfortable," Fletcher said.

"Valkyrie change the song. Fletcher's uncomfortable," Skulduggery said. Tanith pressed the forward button and the song changed.

Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul

Valkyrie and Tanith resumed singing.

"How does your beard stay on?" Fletcher asked, " You have no ears to hold the string."

"Magic."

With that Skulduggery opened the car window, climbed out backwards and maneuvered himself on to the roof.

Tanith began loudly singing the Superman theme as Skulduggery dressed in his Jesus costume flew in front of the car.

* * *

Skulduggery flew slowly alongside the car. They reached the back roads on the way out to Roarhaven and hadn't passed a single car in almost an hour.

It was time.

"Fletcher you ready?" Valkyrie asked.

He held Valkyrie's phone up and turned the screen to show them it was on video mode.

"Make sure it's recording this time," Tanith said, a threatening edge on her voice.

Fletcher nodded. He wasn't making that mistake again.

Tanith put down her window and leaned out, "you ready Skul?"

Skulduggery flew level with Tanith's window.

"What do you need me to do again?"

"When I say 'Jesus Christ Val' you fly up to the front window from the back window and say 'watch your language' before disappearing backwards," Tanith explained.

"Ah yes, I remember. Got it."

"Valkyrie start the music," Tanith instructed as she undid her seat belt and sat forward.

Valkyrie skipped the music onto "Rudolph the red nosed the Reindeer."

"Fletcher now," Tanith said.

Fletcher began recording.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose

Valkyrie looked into the camera and mouthed along, pointing to her nose.

"Watch out!" Tanith yelled.

Valkyrie snapped back around and slammed on the brakes.

Tanith went forward, partially falling, partially propelling herself into the dashboard.

"Jesus Christ Val!" Tanith cried out.

A skeleton dressed as the Holy Messiah appeared at the window.

"Watch your language," Skulduggery said and disappeared backwards.

"Jesus!"

Tanith reached out the window. A skeletal hand grasped her wrist and she screamed as Skulduggery pulled her out the window and onto the snow covered verge.

Valkyrie braked and the car skidded slightly on the snow before coming to a stop.

Fletcher leaned over to the passenger side and put down the window. He stuck the phone out the window. Tanith was sitting up on the verge a few feet back, she stuck both her thumbs up. Skulduggery stood beside her, his beard slanted and wig half off his skull.

"It's all good!" Tanith called out to them.

"It's all good," Valkyrie said.

Fletcher stopped filming. It was all good.

* * *

"My butt's wet," Tanith said as she sat on the passenger seat.

"You say that as you sit in my dry car," Valkyrie said.

"Yup."

Valkyrie shook her head and drove onwards. Skulduggery flew alongside Tanith's window.

"If you pull me out again you'll have more than an askew beard skeleton," Tanith threatened.

"I thought that was what I was to do," Skulduggery said innocently.

"Nowhere did we say you were to pull me out the window."

"It was implied."

"It was not."

"Can we get back to this?" Valkyrie asked, "I don't like how dark the sky is getting and I don't want to be caught out here driving in a blizzard."

"When did you become the sensible one?" Tanith asked.

"When I started driving. It really, it really changed me. I feel the weight of your life on me -"

"I no longer care," Tanith said, "let's do this, Skul disappear!"

Skulduggery drifted backwards until he was level with the back window.

"Tanith, music," Valkyrie instructed.

Tanith pressed rewind and the track went back to "Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer."

"Fletcher, film," Valkyrie instructed.

Fletcher pressed record.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose.

Valkyrie looked to Fletcher and mouthed along to the words.

"Watch out!" Tanith cried.

Valkyrie looked out the front window and braked suddenly.

Tanith flew forward and hit the dashboard.

"Jesus Christ Val!"

Skulduggery swung round to the window, "watch your language!"

"Jesus!" Tanith reached out the window as Skulduggery disappeared back.

Fletcher stopped filming.

"Well?" Valkyrie slowed the car and stopped in the road.

"We got it," Fletcher said.

"Whoo! Skulduggery get your bony carcass in here. We're going for MacDonald's!"

Tanith looked to Valkyrie.

"We're getting McDonald's?" Tanith and Fletcher asked simultaneously. They eyed each other suspiciously.

"Hell yeah! I want food and I really want to get out of the snow and it's closer to a McDonald's than it is to home so let's go!"

Skulduggery landed beside the car. He opened the door and climbed inside, his Jesus robes soaked at the bottom.

He shut the door and Valkyrie started the car.

* * *

Valkyrie sat at the computer in Grimwood, her chips and empty burger packaging spread out in front of her.

She connected her phone up to the computer and sorted out the videos. The first take into the bloopers folders, the final one into the proper folder.

She clicked on the video from today and played it through. Skulduggery really suited a beard. Maybe he had one when he was human. She'd have to ask China. They had a plan for a vine or two with China but it would take a lot of work and many, many trips to the Sanctuary. She'd ask her then.

For now though they had more snow related vines to do and next on their list - Blades Are For Skating."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next week, "Blades are for Skating"
> 
> The usual stuff, requests send them in, know the language send it in. You know the drill.
> 
> There's no shout out this week, so this bit's empty
> 
> Until next time, au revior


	11. I Spilled Lipstick in Your Valentino

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by me

 

* * *

Valkyrie drove slowly into the school car park, the wheels spraying up slush as she turned tightly and parked in an empty space.

She pulled on a beanie hat and climbed out the car. She walked carefully across the car park and joined the queue of parents wanting to pick up their children. She spotted Hannah Foley with her pregnant belly and hid behind an overweight woman with a sleeping baby in a pram.

Alice came running out the door the moment the bell rang. Another girl with bright red hair running behind.

When the pair got closer Valkyrie could hear their conversation.

"Watch this, if I run and leap at Stephanie she will most certainly catch me in her arms!" Alice called out before she launched herself at Valkyrie.

"Oof," Valkyrie caught Alice expertly in her arms.

"When did you watch Brooklyn Nine Nine?" Valkyrie asked. She set Alice down on the snow.

"Tanith showed me," Alice replied. "Stephy this is Bridget," Alice pointed to the ginger girl.

"Hello Bridget," Valkyrie said.

Bridget shyly returned the greeting.

"I'm staying at Stephanie's tonight and we're going to make a funny video. Aren't we Stephanie?"

"We are."

"Will Tanith be there?"

"She should be there now."

Sittting on the couch, eating crips and watching TV most likely after leaving her bike parked haphazardly in the drive way and her soaked leathers on the kitchen floor.

"Awesome!" Alice turned to Bridget, "Tanith is Stephanie's friend who rides a motorbike. She's cool."

"My brother has a motorbike but Ma doesn't me ride it. Says it's dangerous," Bridget said.

"Your Ma's right," Valkyrie told Bridget. Espeically if Bridget's brother drove anything like Tanith. "Now Alice we better get going before it snows again."

"Okay. Bye Bridget! See you on Monday!" Alice waved and darted off.

"Bye Alice!" Bridget called out.

Valkyrie said goodbye to Bridget and followed Alice across to the car.

Valkyrie woke up in the morning to rain against her window and a large dog hogging her covers.

"Stephanie! Stephanie! Stephanie!"

Alice's voice got louder as did her footsteps until the door burst open and Alice leapt onto the bed.

"Stephanie!" Alice shouted in her ear.

"What?" Valkyrie asked groggily. She was still half asleep.

"The snow's gone," Alice said, "what do we do now?"

"Go ask Tanith. She has ideas. Take Xena with you."

"Come on Xena!"

Alice and Xena bounded off her bed and ran out the room. Valkyrie heard Alice hollering "Tanith!" all the way down the hallway.

Valkyrie flopped back onto the bed.

There goes the snow list.

* * *

"So we're down to three?" Valkyrie looked to Alice and Tanith. They were sat at the kitchen table, a mini council of the Vines assembled to decide their fate.

"We're down to three," Tanith agreed.

"I spilled lipstick, I saw you hanging out with Kaitlyn, and give me your bleeping money," Alice said.

"Well done for not swearing. I totally would've sworn," Tanith said to Alice.

"And that is why you're not allowed around Alice. You're a bad influence," Valkyrie joked.

"Hey!" Tanith protested.

"Back to business ladies," Alice said, adopting an air of importance, "we have a choice to make. Let's do this properly and fairly. Everyone put their vine in a hat and then get the spikey man to pick on out."

"Spikey man?" Tanith asked.

"She means Fletcher," Valkyrie explained.

"I know what I meant," Alice said indignantly, "Stephanie, fetch us a hat."

Valkyrie just laughed at Alice's antics and went off to fetch one of Skulduggery's stolen hats. China would like Alice, if she ever met her, Valkyrie wasn't keen on that idea for a number of reasons.

When Valkyrie returned to the kitchen Alice was on Tanith's shoulders reaching for something in one of the cupboards.

"What's going on here?"

Tanith slowly turned around. Alice held a pack of biscuits in her hand.

"Snacks for the council meeting?"

"Carry on."

Valkyrie set the hat on the table and wrote out the vine names on the kitchen notebook, each name written out four times. She cut up the paper, folded the strips and dumped them all into the hat.

Tanith and Alice wandered over, still existing as a double being and Alice leaned down and carefully set three packs of biscuits on the table before climbing off Tanith's shoulders onto the table.

Valkyrie handed her the hat.

"Tanith, summon the Fletcher!" Valkyrie said dramatically.

Tanith pulled out her phone.

"What's the number?" Tanith asked,looking to Valkyrie.

"You didn't save his number after last time? Isn't it on your recent calls?" Valkyrie asked Tanith, "last time" being when they recreated "Sand Guardian" and phoned about ten different numbers before they found Fletcher's.

"So it is."

Tanith called the number.

"Fletcher! We need your help for two seconds. It will literally be two seconds I swear," pause, "thank you. It's Valkyrie's kitchen we're in. The tiny one is here by the way."

Tanith hung up.

"Am I the tiny one?" Alice asked.

"You are, but one day you will be the not-tiny one," Tanith said.

Alice seemed happy enough with that.

Fletcher walked into the kitchen.

"You rang?"

Alice held out the hat.

"Pick one," Alice instructed.

Fletcher picked a bit of paper from the hat and read it out. "I spilled lipstick. You guys doing more Vines?"

"We are. Thank you Fletcher," Valkyrie said.

"Need any help?" Fletcher asked.

"We've got it covered but thank you!"

"See ya!" Fletcher walked back out of the kitchen and there was a faint pop as he teleported away.

"I spilled lipstick in your Valentino bag," Tanith said.

"You spilled," Valkyrie stopped to gobble before continuing, "lipstick in my Valentino white bag?!"

"We've got the lines, now to wardrobe!" Tanith said.

* * *

Valkyrie tugged at the uncomfortably bright pink jacket. It was blindingly pink. Tanith had screeched and hid behind a pillow when she first saw Valkyrie and Alice had copied her, running to hide behind the curtains. T-Rex had followed Alice and hid too, but left his butt sticking out.

"You understand your assignment Alice?" Valkyrie asked, once Alice had untangled herself from loose curtain cords.

"I start the filming zoomed in on Tanith, then switch to you, then stop," Alice answered, standing straight and alert like a soldier.

"Perfect," Valkyrie said. "Take position."

"Aye sir!" Alice saluted and walked through to the kitchen. Valkyrie followed her through and tugged and pried at her jacket. It was just plain uncomfortable.

Tanith was sitting at the table stroking Xena and had placed a large white bag was on the counter.

Valkyrie handed Alice her phone, already on video mode, before taking her own place behind the counter.

"Zoom in on Tanith," Valkyrie instructed.

"I've got this," Alice said, "and action!"

Tanith leaned her head in her hands and looked over to Valkyrie.

"I spilled lipstick in your Valentio bag," Tanith said.

"You spilled -" Valkyrie paused and gobbled like a turkey "- lipstick in my Valentino white bag?"

"And scene!" Alice lowered the phone, "well done guys, got it in one. Drink to celebrate!"

"Cheers!"

Valkyrie lifted her wine glass half filled with "Dr Pepper."

"Cheers!" Tanith lifted her glass.

"Cheers!" Alice lifted her glass.

"I may not have gotten stabbed with a blade jacket but we did a vine!" Tanith said.

"We're awesome," Alice said wisely.

"Yeah," Valkyrie said. "We really are."

* * *

"Hey Val," Tanith said.

"Yeah Tanith?" Valkyrie looked up from her book, one of her favourites by Gordon "And Then The Darkness Rained Upon Them" to focus her attention on Tanith. Tanith was sitting on the back of an armchair staring out the window.

"Come over here a second," Tanith said, not looking away from the window.

Valkyrie sighed and got up off the couch. She trudged over to the window and dropped onto the arm of Tanith's chair.

"Wha?"

"Look. At the end of the driveway," Tanith pointed down the edge of the driveway. A figure stood there in dark clothes.

"He's been there for about ten minutes now," Tanith said, "I thought he was just out a walk and stopped to let a car passed but he hasn't moved since I got back from the toilet."

Valkyrie felt her stomach turn. Her sister was here. If anyone wanted to hurt her they could do it any other time, but not now. Alice didn't need to see that. She was just a child.

"What do we do?" Valkyrie asked.

"I have an idea," Tanith said slyly. "Watch Alice. I don't want to corrupt her from the path of wokeness we've set her on," she continued.

Tanith slipped off the back of the chair and skirted around the chair, yet still managing to catch her knee on it.

"What are you doing?" Valkyrie asked. Tanith's ideas were not always reliable. This is the person who thought running head first at a swan was a good idea.

"Just wait and see."

Valkyrie watched after Tanith as she ran off out of the sitting room. Footsteps were heard on the stairs. Then coming down the stairs. The front door opened. The front door shut.

Then there was a war cry.

An animalistic shriek that made Valkyrie's blood go cold and her thoughts go immediately to Alice. Tanith went running down the driveway shouting and shrieking something indistinguishable while waving her sword above her head.

The figure took off running down the road.

Tanith followed him, still shrieking.

Valkyrie watched until they both disappeared from sight before she ran up the stairs to check on Alice.

She could still hear Tanith's shrieks far off in the distance.

* * *

Tanith returned a few hours later, Ghastly in tow.

"I got arrested."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next, I don't know. There's a gap in the schedule if anyone has any suggestions.
> 
> Shout out goes to Madman2.60 over on fanfiction.net who guessed that the language used in the last chapter was French. Check out their stories, they're awesome.
> 
> There are many open slots still availble if you want your own including the one for next chapter if you can guess the language used below.
> 
> This ended up being way longer than I intended. I'm sorry it's not more vine centred but there weren't too many options with this one.
> 
> It also may not be totally accurate as I wrote it yesterday in school and couldn't sit and watch vines. Well I mean I could but I don't think the teachers would apperove. Thank the administration for free periods though, I went on one of the music department computers and worked on this for a double period. I also went on my phone in biology and did some work because my teacher does not care.
> 
> This chapter is replacing Blades are For Skating, which will get posted, just in the future.
> 
> Unrealted , it's been two months since the first chapter of The Vines Of Valkyrie And Tanith was posted.
> 
> Until next time, farvel!


	12. Give Me Your Money

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by Kenrick MNP

 

* * *

Alice hadn't wanted to leave Valkyrie's after staying there last week, so Valkyrie promised she could come over again if their Mum said it was okay. Of course, it was. Parenting was a tricky business, and Valkyrie's Mum and Dad were grateful for any break they could get from it.

This week instead of picking Alice up from school Valkyrie picked her up from home after dinner. Valkyrie sat in the living room talking to her mum and dad while Alice packed her bag upstairs. Valkyrie wasn't good at holding a conversation with normal people, and usually, she gave up.

But these were her parents, so she put in the extra effort.

It was easier with them anyway. They each had a way of bringing up random topics that somehow became interesting. And if that didn't happen, Valkyrie and her Mum could always resort to making fun of her Dad's hilarious antics. For example, one time he borrowed a colleague's convertible. When it had started raining he forgot how to function the roof. That happened to be one of the worst rain showers of that year, and he ended up flooding the car. Suffice to say, the colleague no longer spoke to him outside of work.

After half an hour (or maybe longer since Valkyrie hadn't bothered to keep track of the time), Valkyrie went upstairs to see what was taking Alice so long. Alice was trying to decide what socks to bring for tomorrow. Two pairs were sitting side by side on her bed.

"It doesn't matter which pair, does it? No one's going to see them," Valkyrie said.

"You're right," Alice said, still considering. "I'll take these ones," she decided on the pair on the right.

"Great decision," Valkyrie said.

"Can I bring a toy?" Alice asked.

"Of course," Valkyrie said. "I was actually going to suggest you do. Why don't you bring that one?" Valkyrie pointed to a large doll, drowning in a pile of stuffed animals.

"Ooh yeah! It's like the one in the Vine. Can we do the Vine?" Alice lowered her voice to say the next part. "Give me your bleeping money," she said, almost whispering.

"I think we will do it," Valkyrie said, nodding.

"Am I going to be in it?"

"If you want to be."

"Does that mean I get to swear?" Alice's eyes brightened.

"Probably not. But me and Tanith haven't figured that out yet, so maybe."

"I hope I do get to swear. Mum and Dad don't let me."

"And that's why I don't want you to. But we'll see."

"Oh, okay," Alice said. She turned and pulled the doll out of the pile, dislodging it and causing a mini avalanche. The doll was almost as tall as she was.

"Let's go then," Valkyrie said. She picked up a stuffed dog and a bear which had fallen, and put them back in the pile. Alice zipped up her ridiculously small backpack. They left the room, said goodbye to their parents, and got in the car. Valkyrie put Alice's doll in the backseat, not forgetting to fasten its seatbelt. She got in the driver seat next to Alice.

They arrived at Grimwood. Alice carried her doll out of the car by herself.

"Is Tanith going to be here?" Alice asked as they walked to the door.

"Eventually," Valkyrie said. "I'm pretty sure she's working now, though."

"What does she do? Is it the same as you?"

"Not exactly, but more or less."

Alice nodded. "So, she does magic too?"

"Yeah. Haven't you seen her walk on walls and stuff?" Valkyrie said as she opened the front door, holding it open for Alice.

"Yeah, I have, but I thought that was just something she did," Alice frowned.

Valkyrie chuckled, "that's fair," she said. Alice didn't hear her or didn't care what she said. She instead rushed to an excited Xena.

Alice and Valkyrie didn't want to do the Vine without Tanith, so they passed the time by watching an age-appropriate film on the TV, accompanied by microwave popcorn. Alice sat between Xena and Valkyrie on the couch, paying more attention to Xena than the film. Xena didn't mind, though. When the film finished it seemed Valkyrie enjoyed it more than Alice did. When Valkyrie mentioned this to Alice she insisted it wasn't true. Valkyrie heard her phone buzz and looked down to find a text from Tanith. In it, she said she was on the way, so they decided to play Uno to pass the last few minutes. They didn't get halfway through the game before they heard the engine of a motorbike outside. It was getting louder, then it stopped abruptly. There was silence. Then the sound of Tanith making trumpet noises before the door handle rattled and there was a light thumb, followed by Tanith saying, "ow." Valkyrie had locked the door earlier. She got up and opened the door for Tanith. She burst in immediately and held her hands -one of which held her bike helmet- in the air.

"'sup, birches? Tanith is in the house!" Tanith announced, being careful to omit the swear. "My entrance was going to be more streamlined than that," she added. "Thanks for locking the door."

"Hey, Tanith!" Alice said, standing up. "Stephanie, can we do the Vine now?"

"Sure, go get the doll."

When Alice ran up the stairs to get the doll, which she had put in her room, Tanith turned to Valkyrie.

"So, it's 'Give Me Your Fucking Money,' huh? Are you going to let her swear, or are we replacing it with flipping, slash fricking?"

"I'm undecided," Valkyrie said." I know I can trust her not to tell Mum or Dad, and even if she did tell them I doubt they would mind much. But still, I don't want to make her think she can go around cursing like a. . ." Valkyrie hesitated, trying to think of an example. "Okay so I don't know something that curses a lot, but you know what I mean."

"It's only a word, but you should probably make your mind up soon," Tanith said.

Alice burst down the stairs and into the room.

"I got it!" she said.

"Excellent," Tanith said. "Where's the best place to do it? In here?"

"It's as good a place as any," Valkyrie said. She turned to her sister. "Okay, Alice," she said, "if I let you say the F-word, you need to promise you won't tell Mum or Dad, otherwise we both get in trouble."

Alice laughed. "You won't get in trouble," she said, "you're a grown-up. But don't worry, I won't tell."

"Thank you," Valkyrie said.

Alice turned around, throwing the doll onto the couch. "I get to say fuck!" she cheered. "Fuck! Fuck!" Alice spun around, giggling dementedly.

"And people say I'm a bad influence," Tanith tutted.

"Shut up," Valkyrie muttered. "Right, Alice. You finished?"

Alice had fallen to the ground and not bothered to get up. She was now wriggling her legs and saying 'fuck,' repeatedly. When she heard Valkyrie, she got up and looked at her.

"Are we doing it now?" she asked.

"Yep," Valkyrie said. Tanith handed Alice the doll.

"Do I just throw it at the wall and say, 'give me your fucking money?'" Alice asked.

Valkyrie nodded.

"Do you want to watch the Vine first, so you remember?" Tanith suggested.

"No, I'll remember," Alice said.

Tanith shrugged.

Valkyrie got her phone ready for filming. As soon as she said, "action!" Alice twisted around slowly, away from the wall, as if she were a slingshot band pulling back. As she prepared to release, she cried, "give me your fucking money!"

She lobbed it across the room with as much force as she could muster. It darted off the wall with a satisfying thud which startled Xena, who had fallen asleep. Valkyrie stopped filming.

"How did I do?" Alice asked.

Valkyrie hesitated, "I think you were a bit. . ."

"Overdramatic?" Tanith finished.

"Oh, I suppose you're right," Alice said. "Can we do it again?"

"Yeah, you might want to get the doll back," Valkyrie said. She pointed to the doll, which lay against the wall after bouncing off the conjoining one.

Alice retrieved the doll.

"Once more… action!" Valkyrie said and pressed record.

Alice didn't twist around completely this time. She pulled her arms to the side while holding the doll.

"Give me your fucking money!"

She swung the doll against the wall again, this time not as hard. Its head cracked against it. A chunk of plasterboard broke away, revealing the brick underneath. Valkyrie stopped recording.

"Oops," Tanith said as she held back laughter.

"Sorry," Alice said, turning to Valkyrie and not looking as sorry as she sounded. Valkyrie didn't mind, though.

"It's okay," Valkyrie said, "I think I know how to fix that, and if I don't, I'll drag a bookshelf in front of it."

"Okay! How'd the video work?" Alice asked.

"Pretty good, I think. Let's find out." Valkyrie moved to the computer and plugged her phone in. Alice and Tanith sat on either side of her. Xena also came over, interested in what was going on.

The Vine worked fine, and Alice burst out laughing at it. Valkyrie and Tanith also laughed; more at Alice's reaction than the Vine itself.

When the laughter died down, Valkyrie asked Tanith if she wanted tea.

"Sure," Tanith said.

Valkyrie made the tea. When she returned she found Tanith and Alice sitting upside-down on the couch. Tanith held the TV remote and was searching through the channels.

"There's nothing on," Tanith grumbled.

"Nothing at all," Alice echoed.

Valkyrie laid the tea on the floor and sat next to Alice. She studied the TV as Tanith skipped past various reality shows and low-budget war films. Once she had scrolled through all the channels, Alice said,

"How about we watch Vines?"

Tanith swung her legs down and sat normally.

"Good idea," she said.

Valkyrie got off the couch and sat down again at the computer. Tanith sat next to her, and Alice stayed on the couch, spread out on her stomach. She through the space between Valkyrie and Tanith. Valkyrie opened YouTube and searched up 'vine compilations.'

The first one they watched was 15 minutes long. They let autoplay take care of the next ones they watched. Most of the compilations were ten to twenty minutes long. They began with the intention of watching only a few, but soon enough it was nearly half-past ten o'clock.

"Oh, darn it," Tanith said, "I better head home."

Tanith got up and retrieved her bike helmet. She patted Xena on the head and opened the front door. She turned and bowed her farewell.

"Enjoy the dark and the cold!" Valkyrie said, waving.

"I'm sure I will," Tanith replied as she shut the door. A minute later, the engine of her motorcycle started, and Tanith drove away.

"Want to watch more Vines before bed?"

Valkyrie asked, turning to Alice.

Alice was asleep on the couch, still laying on her stomach.

"Or maybe bed straight away," Valkyrie said.

She carried Alice upstairs and laid her beneath the duvet on her bed. Valkyrie went to her own room and sat on the bed. She fell asleep without going under the covers.

* * *

The next afternoon, only an hour after Alice had gone home, Valkyrie received a text from her mother. It read: How has the word "fuck" managed to sneak into your sister's vocabulary?

It was a long time before Valkyrie thought of a reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next it's the Good Kush, featuring a special Dead Man guest star
> 
> I have no energy to write something interesting for that. Sorry this chapter's late and I'm sorry for any errors or anything, I didn't write this chapter.
> 
> Requests send them in, there's no language this week.
> 
> Until Next Time


	13. The Good Kush

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by me and was requested by FreshTrashOfSmellAir

 

“So what Vine do we do next?” 

Valkyrie flopped on to her bed in Grimwood and stared up at the ceiling. She thought about it.  There were hundreds of possible choices. They'd only re-created a handful so far. The choices were endless enough to be called endless. 

 

Tanith was sitting at Valkyrie’s desk a few feet from the bed, T-Rex on her lap.  Xena was lying across the room, she was still unsure on the new pup but tolerated him now.  Valkyrie still retained hope for them to be an epic dog duo. 

 

“Hmmm,” Valkyrie dragged out the ‘m’ sound until she ran out of breath. 

 

“Hmmm,” Tanith did the same thing.  T-Rex looked up her concerned. Tanith lowered her head still going ‘m’ and T-Rex reached up and licked her face. 

 

Tanith lifted up her head and looked out the window. There was a skeleton rising through the air up towards the window. 

 

“Valkyrie, you have a visitor,” Tanith said. 

 

Valkyrie looked up as Skulduggery  landed on the window. He waved at them.

 

Xena sat up and started barking.  

 

“Settle,” Valkyrie said as she shuffled forward off her bed and walked across the room.  She opened the window and Skulduggery climbed in. 

 

Xena padded up to Skulduggery.

 

“Hello Xena,” Skulduggery patted her head and she wandered off and settled back down where she was. 

 

“Hello T-Rex,” Skulduggery  patted T-Rex. 

 

“Skul,” Tanith said in greeting. 

 

“-duggery,” Skulduggery finished.

 

“What's up?” Valkyrie asked as she flopped back down. “I thought we had a week off.”

 

She was pretty much always on a week off.  There had been a drop in world threatening issues recently, giving her and Tanith plenty of time to recreate vines. Skulduggery had been busy too, usually he stopped by even on days off but the last while he hadn’t.

 

“The Midnight Hotel is arriving in Ireland later on. Would the dogs fancy a visit to the hotel?” Skulduggery  asked. 

 

Valkyrie hadn't been to the Midnight Hotel since the zombie attack back when Sanguine and his “Revenger’s Club” wanted a remnant.  Fun times.

 

“Are dogs even allowed?” Tanith asked. 

 

“Dogs are allowed and I happen to know that Anton actually loves dogs,” Skulduggery  replied. 

 

Shudder had never struck her as a dog person.  Maybe a cat person. He’d probably one of those weird hairless gremlin ones. Or maybe a sleek black cat like one a witch would own.

 

Valkyrie looked to Tanith. Tanith shrugged. 

 

Why not? The Midnight Hotel was a cool place. 

 

“Why not? We’ve nothing else to do,” Valkyrie said, voicing her thoughts aloud. 

 

“No videos planned?” Skulduggery  asked. 

 

“That's what we were thinking about before you arrived.  We’re not sure about the next one.”

 

“Where did you even get that idea from?” 

 

Valkyrie and Tanith shared a look.  Valkyrie shook her head slightly. He wasn't allowed to know what they were doing. 

 

“Valkyrie had it,” Tanith said, throwing Valkyrie under the bus. 

 

“I saw a thing on Facebook,” Valkyrie explained, lying through her teeth. She didn't even use Facebook nowadays.  

 

“Ah,  the Book of Faces.  Most wonderful. Now we should get going if we want to make it the Hotel by midday.”

* * *

They arrived at 12:02pm and the Midnight Hotel was standing proudly,  if a little out of place, in the forest. 

 

Tanith carried T-Rex inside the hotel. Her pup was yet to have his injections that allowed him to be walked and she wasn't going to take any chances.  He'd probably be fine in the hotel, there probably weren't many dogs in the hotel but T-Rex was too precious to risk. 

 

Valkyrie kept Xena in at her side. Xena sniffed at everything and growled at a shady looking man who dashed past them. Valkyrie patted Xena’s head and gripped the lead tighter.  

 

Tanith kissed the top of T-Rex’s head and held him closer.  She couldn't do with having him run off after a criminal because  Xena thought it was a good idea. To quote a great hero “I've only had Arlo for a day and a half but if anything happened to him I would kill everyone in this room and  then myself.” Only instead of Arlo it was Tyrannosaurus Rex and instead of a day and a half, she'd had T-Rex for quite a few days. 

 

“Skulduggery. It's good to see you again.”

 

Tanith looked beyond T-Rex’s incredibly soft puppy ears to see Anton Shudder.  She'd never met the man before but he matched the description she'd heard. Tall, dressed like a funeral director and with long dark hair. 

 

His suit was black.  His shirt was black. It matched his hair and his overall atmosphere.  There was a definite intimidating air to him. Forget funeral director. The man was more like a  vampire.

 

“Anton. It's been a while,” Skulduggery spoke to Shudder briefly.  Tanith couldn't hear what either of them said until Shudder focused his attention onto them.  

 

He spoke to Valkyrie first. 

 

“Valkyrie, pleasure to see you again.”

 

Valkyrie just nodded at him. 

 

“And you must be Tanith,” Shudder spoke directly to her,  “I've heard a lot about you.”

 

“Any of it good?” Tanith joked. 

 

Shudder gave her a small smile,  “all stories are good stories. Now who's this?”

 

Shudder held out his hand and T-Rex sniffed at him. 

 

“His name’s T-Rex,” Tanith answered. 

 

“A fitting name,” Shudder said as he stroked the pup.  

 

Tanith grinned. If even a man as serious as Anton Shudder liked the name,  T-Rex was destined to succeed in life. Of course she already knew that but the confirmation made her happier. 

 

Xena whined and sat down licking her lips.  

 

“Hello Xena, Ghastly mentioned you but he never said how beautiful you were,” Shudder kneeled down in front of Xena and scratched behind her ears. 

 

“She's a wonderful dog Valkyrie,” Shudder said standing up. 

 

Valkyrie thanked him before adding, “she's not so wonderful when she's running around Haggard Beach with a seal flipper in her mouth.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“That was only once though.  She's usually fine. Skulduggery even lets her loose in the Bentley.”

 

“Only because you refuse to have her on your knee,” Skulduggery chipped in. 

 

“She's too big. And remember  I did suggest you have her on your knee and I drive the Bentley but you said no,” Valkyrie reminded Skulduggery. 

 

“I'll take dog hair on my seats over a crashed car.”

 

“I am a  _ respectable _ driver,” Valkyrie said in offence. 

 

“Do they behave like this all the time?” Shudder asked Tanith quietly. 

 

“A large portion of the time,” Tanith replied. 

 

Shudder shook his head. 

 

“How old is T-Rex?” He asked. 

 

“10 weeks. I've only had him for about a week though.”

 

“He’s adorable.  I once had a Yorkshire terrier named Ravel,  he was the sweetest and laziest dog I have ever met.”

 

“Ravel?”

 

“I lost a bet.”

 

“What kind of bet?”

 

“That's irrelevant. Ravel the dog, however,  was more bearable than Ravel the human.”

 

Tanith laughed.  Dogs  _ were _ better than people. 

 

T-Rex wriggled in Tanith's arms trying to get down. 

 

“No.  You have to stay here baby,” Tanith said softly.  She looked to Shudder and added, “he hasn't had his injections yet.” 

 

Shudder nodded. 

 

T-Rex kept wriggling trying to get closer to Shudder. He began to whine. 

 

“Would you like to hold him?” Tanith asked Shudder as T-Rex grew more restless. 

 

“I would love to.”

 

Tanith carefully handed T-Rex over to Shudder. The small pup looked even smaller in Shudder's arms.  

 

“Hello there,” Shudder spoke to T-Rex. T-Rex tried to reach up and lick his face.  

 

Tanith laughed let her attention drift to Valkyrie and Skulduggery,  still arguing. They fought like siblings, or how Tanith imagined siblings would,  she couldn't remember much about being with her brother.

 

“When do they stop?” Shudder asked  her. 

 

“They usually don't,” Tanith answered.  She'd seen them go on for hours before. It had been entertaining  at first but then she got bored and took Xena out a walk. 

 

Shudder sighed. 

 

“Skulduggery, if you would stop bickering with Valkyrie for a second,” Anton said.  His sentence was unfinished yet it had its desired effect. 

 

They stopped arguing or bantering or whatever it was they were doing. 

 

Tanith had heard about the effect of Anton Shudder. The man who could silence a room with a stare.  

 

He didn't look quite so intimidating while holding a tiny Yorkshire terrier puppy that was currently licking his ear. 

 

Skulduggery  looked over. 

 

“I have to get some supplies from in town,” Shudder said.  

 

“We’ll come with you,” Skulduggery  said, “my cupboards are looking rather bare and I am not dealing with hungry people again.”

 

“Road trip!” Valkyrie said. 

 

“It's Dublin,” Shudder said. 

 

“No,  it's a road trip,”  Tanith said. 

 

“Wait what about the dogs?” Valkyrie asked. 

“They can go in the kitchen,” Shudder said, “I'll get some sheets so there's something comfortable for them to lie on and I can fill a bowl with water. They'll be perfectly safe.”

* * *

Tanith sat in the back of the Bentley in the middle seat, an arm on each of the headrests of the front seats occupied by Skulduggery and Valkyrie.  

 

“Hey Tanith?” Valkyrie said, her gaze unmoving from the Irish view out the window.  It was similar to England, fields and green. Only Ireland was more green. 

 

“Yeah Valkyrie?”

 

They moved into a village. Tanith missed the signpost with its name on it. 

 

“Can you film me?” 

 

Valkyrie put the window down. 

 

“Excuse me?” Skulduggery asked. No one replied. 

 

“Doing what?” Tanith asked Valkyrie.  

 

“You'll  see.”

 

Valkyrie passed Tanith her phone. Tanith turned it on and opened up the camera and set it to video. 

 

“Three,  two, one,” Valkyrie counted down and Tanith began filming. 

 

“Fuck yer chicken strips! Valkyrie screeched. 

 

“What the…?” Skulduggery asked.  No one replied. 

 

Valkyrie stuck her head out the window.

 

“Fuck yer chicken strips.”

 

“Fuck you too!” A young man on the street yelled back. 

 

“Cut!” Valkyrie shouted, head still out the window. 

 

Tanith stopped filming. 

 

“Want to try again?”

 

“Nah. It's good. I like our version.”

 

Valkyrie wound up the window.  

 

“What was that?” Skulduggery asked. 

 

“Just another video. Don't worry about it.”

* * *

 

“Ooh Euro Giant!”

 

Tanith looked up from helping Shudder load his shopping into his car.  Across the street was the Euro Giant euro store where everything was one Euro. 

 

“No,” Skulduggery immediately protested, “You two are not going in there on your own. I remember what happened last time.”

 

Tanith looked to Valkyrie and pulled a face.  Valkyrie copied her. They both looked to Skulduggery and pulled another face.  One of confusion. Both pretending to have no idea what he was talking about 

 

“What happened last time Valkyrie?” Tanith asked. 

 

“I don't remember Tanith,” Valkyrie replied. 

 

She very much remembered. 

 

Tanith very much remembered.  

 

“I'm not paying your bail again,” Skulduggery said.  

 

“How does the Euro Store lead to being arrested?” Anton asked. 

 

“It's Valkyrie,” Tanith said. 

 

“And Tanith,” Valkyrie said.  

 

“Together they can create unimaginable madness,” Skulduggery added,  “like with those poor cows.”

 

“The cows were fine,” Valkyrie said dismissively, “startled but fine.  The farmer wasn't though…”

 

“Cows?” Shudder asked. 

 

“Cows,” Skulduggery  said. 

 

“Do I want to know what madness can be created with cows?” Shudder asked. 

 

“You can decide,” Skulduggery  said. 

 

“I'll go with a no, and I will accompany them to the Euro Store.  I trust they will not engage in the same level of madness considering their dogs are at my hotel and an arrest may mean we miss the midnight departure.”

 

“Shudder is correct.  I'm willing to sacrifice my Monster multipack and cool lighters to keep my baby girl safe,” Valkyrie said.  

 

Shudder looked at her in confusion. Tanith grinned.  It was a very fascinating story. 

 

“You don't want to know,” Skulduggery said. 

 

“Should we get going?” Tanith asked. 

 

“I think we should,” Valkyrie agreed. 

 

“We should go then ladies,” Shudder said. 

 

“We’ll behave, don't worry Skul, ” Valkyrie said as she took off running towards the Euro Store.  

 

“Duggery,” Tanith finished for Valkyrie before she ran off after her. 

* * *

 

Anton looked to Skulduggery and then to where Valkyrie and Tanith grabbed a basket each from the door and disappeared inside the store. 

 

“Good luck my friend,” Skulduggery said, “you will need it.”

 

Skulduggery strolled off, whistling “A Girl From Ipanema.”

 

How much trouble could they really be? 

 

And how does Monster and lighters lead to an arrest? 

 

Kids these days. 

* * *

Tanith stood studying the dog toys.  She already had a dog teething ring in her basket,  multiple bags of treats and a squeaky rubber chicken.  And whatever food she saw and wanted, which ended up being a lot of €1 chocolate, biscuits and dried apricots, for health. 

 

She had two potential options for more dog toys.  The cute little duck. Or the cute blue star cushion thing.  Duck? Star? Duck? Star? Why not both?

 

Tanith took the duck and the star cushion and set them in her basket. 

 

“Hey Tanith?” Valkyrie asked.  

 

“Yeah?”

 

“What does this remind you of? Because I am reminded of ‘the good kush’.”

 

Tanith looked to what Valkyrie was holding.  A pack of rawhide treats kept in a clear rectangle backed onto cardboard. Just like the vine. 

 

“Heh,” Tanith laughed, “so we've found our next vine?”

 

“We've found our next vine.”

 

Valkyrie walked up to Tanith.  

 

“So how do we do this? Do you want to be the dad?  Or should we try to get Anton to play along?”

 

“I like the latter,” Tanith  grinned. They needed more guest stars, and Anton Shudder would make a great one.

 

Shudder came round the corner into their isle. 

 

“Speak of the devil,” Valkyrie whispered to Tanith.  Tanith laughed. 

 

“Are you two about ready to pay?” Shudder asked.  His own basket was filled with stuff Tanith didn't care about, although she did spot some of same biscuits she was buying.

 

“Almost,” Tanith answered, “I got some stuff for T-Rex. I couldn't decide what to get him between a duck and a cushion so I got him both.”

 

Shudder looked over at her basket. 

 

“I think that duck will be bigger than him,” Shudder said quietly. He spoke quietly a lot.

 

“Probably,” Tanith agreed.  It would be so cute though watching him carrying a toy that was far too bit for him in his mouth,  or curled up with it, resting his chin on it like Xena does with her toys. 

 

“Anton, look!  It's the good kush!” Valkyrie held the pack of dog chews out in one hand and her phone in the other. Her basket was now on the floor at her feet. 

 

Anton just looked at her.  

 

“It says ‘8 in 1 pork twisted strips’,” Shudder said slowly.  

 

“Cut,” Tanith sighed dramatically. 

 

Shudder looked at her. 

 

“When I say ‘Anton look it's the good kush' we need you to say ‘it's the Euro store how good can it be?’,” Valkyrie said. 

 

Shudder looked back at her. “Can I ask why?”

 

“It's to do with the cow thing,” Valkyrie said. 

 

“I am no more enlightened and no less confused.”

 

“We'll explain afterwards.  And as long as you don't tell Skulduggery.”

 

“Can't you explain prior to have me say... that?”

 

“We can't really,” Tanith said, “it would ruin the effect.”

 

“Please Shudder?” Valkyrie asked. 

 

The man was quiet.  Thinking it over most likely. 

 

“I suppose I could indulge your...odd request.”

 

“You are the best Dead Man,” Valkyrie said. “Don't tell Skul I said that,” she added. 

 

Tanith stepped out to the side, removing herself from the frame. 

 

“Want me to film?” Tanith asked. 

 

“Should be okay,  but if I drop my phone,  I'll let you do it,” Valkyrie said.

 

“Don't jinx it,” Tanith joked. 

 

Valkyrie turned to Shudder,  “so I'll say ‘Anton, look it's the good kush’ and then you say ‘it's the Euro Store how good can it be’ all serious,  and then that's it.”

 

“That's all this entails?” Shudder asked. 

 

“That's all it entails.”

 

Valkyrie held up her phone and held the dog treats.

 

“Anton look! It's the good ku -” Valkyrie’s phone slipped from her fingers and she screamed. “Nooooooo!”

 

“Noooo!” Tanith screamed as Valkyrie’s phone clattered to the ground landing on it's side and bouncing to land screen down. 

 

“You jinxed it,” Shudder said in a serious tone. 

 

Valkyrie dropped to the ground. She ever so slowly reached out and picked up her phone. 

 

“Is it… ?” Tanith trailed off. 

 

Valkyrie turned the phone to look at the screen. 

 

“It's okay!” Valkyrie cried out.

 

“It's okay!” Tanith mimicked her excited and relieved tone. 

 

“I was not emotionally invested in this but I am glad your phone is okay,” Shudder said,  his voice genuine. 

 

“Hey you guys going alright? We heard some screams.”

 

A employee of the Euro Store appeared at the bottom of the aisle.  She had bright pink hair and three different rainbow pride pins and ace pride pin on her shirt.  

 

“It's all good,” Tanith said,  “my friend dropped her phone but it's okay.”

 

“Oh my, then that reaction is perfectly normal. I did the same myself last week  You take care now,” the girl disappeared. 

 

Valkyrie looked down.  

 

“It's still filming.”

* * *

 

“Anton look!  It's the good kush!” Valkyrie held out the dog treats.  Tanith titled the phone to get Anton standing like a statue.

 

“This is the Euro Store how good can it be?”

 

Tanith stopped filming. 

 

“Whoop! We got it!”

 

Another employee appeared.  Another girl with lank black hair and a sullen look. 

 

“Can you guys keep it down?” she asked,  “ Oh. It's you two again.” Her voice trailed off in disgust as she recognised Tanith and Valkyrie.  

 

Tanith grinned at her. 

 

It was the girl the sold them the Monster and lighters.  And the oil. And craft knives. And hairspray. 

 

“We are just going to pay,  and then we shall be leaving.  I apologise for the noise from my companions,” Shudder said sincerely. 

 

Tanith held her breath waiting for the girl,  whatever her name was, to react. She made a noise like a  murmur of agreement and then walked off. 

 

“You know that girl?” Shudder asked. 

 

“She was here when we got arrested.  I think it was her who called the Garda.”

 

“Well you have had your fun.  We should be heading back to my Hotel and your dogs.” 

 

Shudder left them standing and walked off to the check out where the girl with the lank hair served him. 

 

“We should go to.  I think this is the longest I've left T-Rex on his own,” Tanith picked up her basket and waited for the Valkyrie to do the same. 

* * *

 

They met Shudder outside the Euro Store after Valkyrie had to go to the bathroom. 

 

“Did you two really try to set Monster energy drink on fire?” Shudder asked.

 

“Technically it was the oil we were trying to set on fire,” Valkyrie said, setting her shopping bags down at her feet. 

 

Shudder shook his head.  

 

“It was a scientific  experiment. We even wrote down the results to make it official,” Tanith defended.  She still had the crumpled, oil stained paper in her apartment as evidence. 

 

“Anything can be for science as long as you write it down,” Valkyrie said,  “Alice once threw a hairbrush at me and then wrote down the outcome. It was for science so I wasn't even mad. Also I caught the hairbrush.”

 

“I'm sure your logic makes sense to someone,” Shudder said. 

 

Tanith nodded. 

 

“Seeing as Skul isn't here,  would you two like to see our latest video?” Valkyrie asked.  

“Ooh yeah!” Tanith stepped in beside Valkyrie and Shudder.  Valkyrie had the video loaded up on her phone. 

 

She pressed play. 

 

“Hey Anton! Look it's the good kush!” Valkyrie’s voice played over the speaker and the back of treats she held out were seen before the view shifting to Shudder standing tall and imposing.

 

“This is the Euro Store how good can it be?”

 

The video stopped. 

 

“It's perfect,” Tanith breathed. 

 

“And as a reward for your co-operation, I gift you this,” Valkyrie bent down and took something from her shopping bag and handed it to Shudder. 

 

It was a notebook. Black with silver lines going horizontally across it.  

 

Shudder thanked her. 

 

“It contains the full story of why we were arrested,” Valkyrie explained. “The checkout girl only knew what she saw, so this is the full,  full story. Keep it secret. Keep it safe.”

 

“Thank you,  truly,” Shudder said. 

 

“There’s Skul,  hide the notebook,” Tanith instructed. 

 

Shudder slipped the notebook into his bag.  

 

“We never speak of this again,” Valkyrie whispered before walking off in the opposite direction. 

 

“What is she doing?”

 

“I have no idea. Hey, Val,  wait up!” Tanith ran off after Valkyrie, shopping bags bouncing with each step.

* * *

Tanith connected Valkyrie’s phone up to the computer and copied the video files into the folder named “The Vines of Valkyrie and Tanith” but due to space it showed up as “The Vin…”

 

She clicked on the folder and moved the final one into the sub folder called “Finals” and the rest into “Bloopers.”

 

“Hey should we send Anton the videos from today?” Valkyrie shouted from the kitchen. 

 

“All of them or just the final one?” Tanith shouted back. 

 

“All of them I think.”

 

“Okay.  You got Shudder's phone number or email address?” 

 

“Hang on.”

 

Tanith started spinning on the chair. Round and round until the room blurred and the chair began wobbling.

 

Valkyrie walked in the living room carrying two cups of tea.  She set one of them down beside Tanith, a white mug with the writing “That's what I do,  I drink and I know things” in black. 

 

Tanith stopped spinning. The room kept spinning. Valkyrie sat on the armchair that Tanith usually occupied.

 

Valkyrie  pulled out her phone as Tanith took her cup and took a tentative sip. 

 

“Too hot.”

 

Tanith blew on the tea and took another sip. 

“Still too hot.”

 

Tanith blew on the tea again. 

 

“It's still going to be too hot,” Valkyrie said. 

 

“You're probably right.”

 

Tanith took a sip,  “still too hot.”

 

Tanith set her cup down on the desk.  

 

“Siri call Skulduggery,” Valkyrie spoke into her phone. “He should know Shudder’s details,” Valkyrie added to Tanith. 

 

“Calling Melissa Edgley,” the monotonous voice of Siri said. 

 

“What the… ?” Valkyrie hung up. 

 

“Did you just hang up on your mother?” Tanith asked in fake outrage. 

 

“Blame Siri.”

 

“Guess you have to do it manually now,” Tanith said. 

 

“I'll try once more.  Siri, call Skul-dugg-ery Pleasant.” 

 

“Calling Skulduggery Pleasant,” Siri said. 

 

“See. It worked.” Valkyrie put her phone on loudspeaker and set it down on the arm of the chair, allowing her to hold her tea in both hands. 

 

“Skulduggery’s phone,” a woman’s voice played out of the phone, light and Irish. The background was a mix of chatter and clattering cutlery.

 

“China?” Valkyrie asked. 

 

Tanith spun around to look at Valkyrie but spun too far. She quickly stopped and carefully moved so she was facing Valkyrie. China?  Answering Skulduggery's phone? 

 

“How can I help you?”

 

“Who is it dear?” Skulduggery was heard in the background. 

 

“Nevermind, bye China,” Valkyrie said quickly before hanging up. 

 

“We’ll call back later,” Tanith said. 

 

“Yeah.” 

 

Tanith looked to Valkyrie and they both burst out laughing.  

 

“Dear,” Tanith said, through laughter.

 

“Oh my lord,” Valkyrie said laughing. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is going on with Skulduggery and China? You’ll have to wait and see…
> 
>  
> 
> Up next though Fletcher wants some waffles but Valkyrie and Tanith are more interested in fighting.
> 
>  
> 
> Who got the Brooklyn Nine-Nine reference? And who wants to read the full story of what Valkyrie and Tanith got up to with the Monster juice?
> 
>  
> 
> No shout outs this chapter. I’m sorry if someone did guess it right on fanfiction.net, the website’s acting up and I can’t get onto do anything (including upload this chapter on there.)
> 
>  
> 
> Until next time, Hyvästi


	14. Can I Get A Waffle?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by me

The phone rang from the main sitting room. Skulduggery picked it up and held the phone to his skull.

"We got arrested again," Valkyrie's voice crackled in his ear.

"What did you do this time?"

* * *

**Three Hours Earlier**

"For the Queen he was no wheeler dealer, though she'd heard the things he'd done!"

Valkyrie, Tanith and Fletcher sung along to the music, windows down and volume up as Valkyrie drove them into the Dublin in the middle of the night, all while wilfully ignoring the speed limit.

"She believed he was a holy healer," Valkyrie and Tanith harmonised effortlessly, "who would heal her son."

Fletcher head banged to the beats of the pause.

The beat dropped and all sense of dignity went out the window. Tanith and Fletcher attempted to dance wildly while sitting down, but doing exaggerated foot movements and arms going everywhere

"Ra! Ra! Rasputin! Lover of the Russian queen!"

"There was a cat that really was gone," Fletcher windmilled his arms stretching out from window to window from his seat in the middle of the car.

"Ra! Ra! Rasputin! Russia's greatest love machine!"

"It was a shame how he carried on," Tanith tossed her head back and forth, the long blonde strands twisting and flying in the air.

Valkyrie rocked side to side, keeping all attention on the unlit road. She took a note of the speed limit from a sign her headlights illuminated then checked her speedometer. They were only 30km/h above it and she wasn't drunk so it was all good.

Valkyrie sang along to the rest of the song, doing her best to harmonise with Tanith. They'd had plenty practise singing duets on car rides, Tanith was always the better singer. Ninety plus years of living has to help something.

"Oh those Russians."

"I have a question," Fletcher said loudly over the radio.

Tanith turned down the radio as the presenters began talking.

"How are we actually going to do this, considering none of us work at a fast food restaurant of any kind?"

"Why do you think we're out here at 2am?" Tanith asked.

"We're breaking into a place, filming the vine, then getting out of there," Valkyrie explained, slowing down as they reached the first of the Dublin suburbs.

"Cool, cool, cool let's go be criminals," Fletcher said.

"Should I livestream it on my blog?" Tanith asked.

"No. You don't film your crimes. Be a better criminal," Valkyrie said, "and I'm saying that to the assassin."

"The 102 followers of "I_ Am_Tanith _Low" instagram edition are very trustworthy," Tanith defended.

"You have a blog?" Fletcher asked, leaning forward into the front.

"I do. I have a Tumblr and an Instagram both called I, underscore, Am,underscore, Tanith underscore, Low."

"What do you post?"

"Pictures of T-Rex, pictures of Xena, pictures of me, pictures of Valkyrie, pictures of me and Valkyrie, little out-clips from our vines, behind the scenes pictures of our vines," Tanith counted each thing off on her fingers.

"Any pictures of me?" Fletcher asked.

"I think you're in a few. A lot of people say we should post the whole vines up, but so far I haven't," Tanith said.

"We should build a collection first," Valkyrie said, "then post our own compilation."

"How many have you done now?" Fletcher asked.

Valkyrie thought for a second.

"We'll list. You count," Valkyrie instructed Fletcher.

"The first was I'm a giraffe," Fletcher said, counting it off his finger.

"Dancing in blankets I don't know what's called," Tanith said.

"Sand Guardian," Valkyrie said.

"Annie are you okay?" Tanith continued.

"Fuck this shit I'm out."

"Here he comes."

"Give me your fucking money."

"I spilled lipstick in your Valentino bag."

"That's eight," Fletcher said.

"We've missed some," Valkyrie said, "ooh - Jesus Christ Val."

"Jesus Christ Val," Tanith repeated, "I am disgusted, I am revolted."

"Ten," Fletcher said.

"We unofficially did fuck yer chicken strips," Valkyrie said, "we didn't do it properly though."

"The good kush," Tanith said, " we also did Quincy we're going on a road trip but we didn't record it."

"So officially that's eleven."

"It has to be more than that. We're missing one," Tanith said.

"Well we can think later. We're here."

* * *

Valkyrie stood beside her open car door and took off her jacket, revealing her blue polo shirt and black jeans. Tanith wore an identical outfit but with two black caps on her head, one facing forward, the other facing backwards.

Fletcher climbed out beside them and kept low hiding behind Tanith.

"Teleport," Tanith whispered.

"Where to?"

"Inside. Unlock the door and let us in," Tanith kept her voice low and hushed.

"Okay," Fletcher whispered, he disappeared with a slight pop the re-appeared.

"Don't you have the power to unlock things?" Fletcher asked.

"I do, but I'll get seen breaking in. You won't," Tanith said.

Fletcher sighed and disappeared again.

"Are we really comfortable going to these lengths to film a vine?" Tanith asked while keeping her eyes trained on the door Fletcher was meant to be opening.

"Certainly. We have to do this one now," Valkyrie said, "I have Alice staying with me again and I can't encourage her to break the law."

"Your parents forgave the whole 'fuck' situation?"

"It took some intense grovelling and promises of family dinners but it's sorted and I'm now banned from swearing in front of Alice until she turns 16."

"If she's anything like me, she'll be cursing enough to make a sailor blush by this time she's thirteen. Oh look, Fletcher got the door!"

Valkyrie stared after Tanith as she strolled off to where Fletcher stood in the doorway of the store.

* * *

"Fletcher you sit here," Valkyrie pointed to a seat at the counter, one of Tanith's caps now on her head.

Tanith was looking down at the floor.

"Is this clean?" Tanith asked, "I feel like it's not clean."

"It's clean enough," Valkyrie said.

"I just don't want to get thrown onto the floor if it's not clean."

"You shouldn't get thrown to the floor, you get hit into the counter," Fletcher said.

"Who says I'm the one getting hit into the counter?" Tanith asked.

"Fletcher does," Valkyrie said, "now let's get to vine-ing."

* * *

Fletcher held up the phone and tilted it slightly.

"You guys ready?"

Valkyrie and Tanith grabbed each other's arms and stood face to face.

"We're ready," Valkyrie said.

"Annnnd action," Fletcher said, adopting a French accent for the 'action'.

Valkyrie shoved Tanith backward and tried to hit her. Tanith slapped Valkyrie's hand and fought to shove her forward.

"Can I get a waffle?" Fletcher asked.

Valkyrie shoved Tanith backwards again onto the counter.

"Can I please get a waffle?"

Tanith got to her feet and shoved Valkyrie backwards off of her.

Fletcher stopped filming.

"Cut!"

"How the fuck did we do that in one take? I thought it would take all night," Tanith said.

"I'm not sure how accurate the fight was," Fletcher said.

"It'll do," Valkyrie waved her hand dismissively, "now we should go."

"Hold it right there."

Valkyrie looked up to see a large bearded man in a police uniform in the doorway.

"Fuck."

* * *

"Well this is fun," Tanith said cheerfully.

Valkyrie glared at her and pressed her elbow into Tanith's side. They were all squashed into the back of the police car, Tanith in the middle, Valkyrie and Fletcher pressing in on each side.

"I kinda want a waffle now," Fletcher said.

"Quiet back there!" the detective barked.

"Sorry officer," Fletcher said.

* * *

Valkyrie was shoved into the holding cell behind Tanith. Fletcher was somewhere.

"Where's Fletcher?" Valkyrie asked.

"How should I know?" A smaller man was the one who put them in the cell.

The giant man returned to the holding cell.

"I want my phone call," Valkyrie announced.

"Me too!" Tanith said.

"One at a time. Edgely, you may go first. Miss Low you just sit here."

The detective escorted Valkyrie out of the holding cell.

"Busy day?" Valkyrie asked. The police station passed by in quick steps as the large man ushered her through to the phones.

"Make the call," he instructed.

"Okay," Valkyrie said. "Fascist giant," she added under her breath.

Valkyrie punched in Skulduggery's number. He answered on the fourth ring.

"Skulduggery we got arrested again," Valkyrie said.

"What did you do this time?"

"We respectfully broke into a fast food restaurant to film a video but someone thought we were robbing the place and called the guarda. It's the same guy from the Monster and lighters thing. He doesn't look pleased."

* * *

"I remembered the vine," Tanith said.

"Is now the best time?" Valkyrie asked. The handcuffs were cutting into her wrist slightly. At least she still had her magic. These were just normal handcuffs. This was just a normal interrogation room with a normal mortal policeman standing somewhere outside.

"Moo motherfucker," Tanith said.

"Oh yeah, moo motherfucker. We did that one too."

A new officer with a voice like velvet and an exquisite suit entered the room and took the seat opposite Valkyrie and Tanith.

"Miss Edgely, Miss Low, I'm Detective Inspector Me," the man introduced himself and Valkyrie grinned.

"Would you care to explain what you were doing in that store after hours and after apparently breaking in?" He continued on, "I understand your friend, Renn he said his name was, wanted some waffles but what about you?"

"We weren't robbing the place. We were just after some waffles."

"My colleague seems to think differently. However I reviewed the video it and appears you had good intentions. You're released without charges."

"Not even breaking and entering?" Tanith asked.

"The door was left unlocked. Nothing more. You still violated the safety of the door but I hope your guilt is enough of a sentence for that. Good day."

The man got up and left in a whirl of well tailored material.

"That was Skulduggery wasn't it?" Tanith asked.

"Yup," Valkyrie popped the 'p' and slouched back in her chair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next, Valkyrie is not happy that Tanith was hanging out with Caitlyn.
> 
> This is definitely less vine centred, but do you guys enjoy it or do you prefer the chapters that are more straight to the vine?
> 
> Usual business, no shout outs and any requests send them in. If you know the language send it in to get a shout out.
> 
> Until next time, ardievas


	15. I Saw You Hanging Out With Caitlyn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by me.

"Annnnd send," Valkyrie pressed send on the email and mimicked the whooshing sound it made.

The manager of the fast food place they'd broken into to film "Can I Get A Waffle?" agreed not to press charges as long as Valkyrie sent them the video.

With that taken care of it was time for another vine.

"We really got to stop getting arrested," Valkyrie mused before she stuffed another t-shirt down her already stuffed out top to pad out her chest, and tucked her gun into the waistband of her jeans. She grabbed the two pairs of sunglasses and hooked them in her shirt.

It was time.

* * *

Fletcher was stretched out on the couch, T-Rex lying beside him.

"Where's Tanith?" Valkyrie asked.

Fletcher lazily pointed to the kitchen.

"No! Xena! Give it back!" Tanith's shout came from the direction Fletcher pointed in.

Xena ran into the sitting room, a t-shirt hanging from her mouth.

"Xena!" Tanith ran in after Xena, her chest stuffed unevenly.

"Hee-yah!" Tanith leaped and face planted into the ground. Xena bounded away.

T-Rex stood up and leaped up to Fletcher's face, trying to lick him, excited from the sudden commotion.

"Attack of the creature!" Fletcher squeaked.

"Yaaa!" Tanith lunged at Xena and tackled the dog sending them both rolling to the ground.

Tanith pulled the t-shirt from Xena's jaws and stuffed it down her shirt. She leaped up to her feet.

"You ready?" Tanith asked.

Valkyrie just stared.

"What the fuck?" Valkyrie said.

"Richard," Fletcher added.

Valkyrie turned to look at him.

"What the fuck Richard? You know, with the frisbee, by the road, and he throws it onto the road, and," Fletcher trailed off as Valkyrie glared, " yeah what the fuck Tanith?"

Tanith shrugged.

"She stole my fake t-shirt boob."

"Should we get to the vine?" Valkyrie asked.

"That's a good idea," Tanith agreed and adjusted the t-shirt she stuffed down her shirt.

Valkyrie popped on her sunglasses and handed the other pair to Tanith.

"Thank you, Rebecca," Tanith slipped her sunglasses on.

* * *

"And action!" Fletcher called and began filming on Valkyrie's phone.

"I saw you hanging out with Caitlyn yesterday," Valkyrie screeched.

"R-r-rebecca it's not what you think," Tanith replied, her voice equally high and screechy.

"I won't hesitate bitch!" Valkyrie pulled out a gun.

"What the fuck?" Tanith dropped her character, "where the fuck did you get a real gun from?"

"Skulduggery. I stole it from his house," Valkyrie cocked the gun and held it up like a movie gangster.

"Nice!" Tanith gave an impressed nod.

"Should I be filming this?" Fletcher asked.

"Cut!" Valkyrie said.

"We keep filming until the funny stuff ends," Tanith said, "there's generally a lot. It makes great outtakes."

"Gotcha," Fletcher said, "you ready again?"

Valkyrie looked to Tanith. Tanith nodded and gave a signal with her hands.

"I have no idea what that means," Valkyrie said, "so I'll take as you're ready. We're ready."

"Alright then," Fletcher held up the phone, "Action!"

"I saw you hanging out with Caitlin yesterday," Valkyrie screeched.

"R-r- Rebecca it's not what you think!" Tanith screeched.

"I won't hesitate bitch!" Valkyrie pulled the trigger.

The gunshot rang out loud through the house.

Tanith dove to the side and the bullet missed her and embedded itself in the wall.

"What the ever-loving, mother-fucking, fire-trucking fuck was that?" Tanith demanded.

"Guess it was, uh, loaded, huh?" Valkyrie slowly lowered the gun.

"I guess so. You're lucky I have this extra padding," Tanith patted her chest," or I would've hurt myself."

"I'm sorry," Valkyrie apologise, "I one hundred percent did not mean to shoot at you."

Fletcher snorted.

"Something funny Fletcher?" Valkyrie asked.

"Nope, no, nothing, nothing, nothing. Should we get back to it?"

"You singed my hair…" Tanith said.

* * *

"Action!"

"I saw you hanging out with K-eight-lynn yesterday!"

"R-r-Rebecca, it's not what you think!"

"I won't hesitate bitch."

Valkyrie pulled the trigger and Fletcher stopped filming.

"K-eight-lynn?" Tanith asked.

"Someone literally named their child that. It was spelled 'K' then the roman numerals for 'eight' and then 'lynn.'"

"What the….? What ever happened to normal spelling?"

"Oh honey," Fletcher said, "that went out the window years ago."

"Call me honey once more, I dare you," Tanith said.

"Honey," Fletcher said.

Tanith lunged at Fletcher. Fletcher ran and threw Valkyrie's phone to the ground.

"My phone!" Valkyrie cried.

"My life!" Fletcher cried.

Fletcher jumped up onto the couch, landing on the edge. His foot slipped and Fletcher slammed forward, face planting into the couch.

Tanith calmly walked past him and opened the door to the kitchen.

"T-Rex, ATTACK!"

T-Rex ran and leaped onto Fletcher, frantically trying to lick his face.

"No! T-Rex! No!" Fletcher squealed.

Tanith walked back over to Valkyrie, now standing at the window.

"Were you filming?" Tanith asked.

"I was filming," Valkyrie said grinning.

"Awesome."

Valkyrie turned around, facing out of the window. A figure in black was standing at the gate.

"Tanith? Is that the same guy as last time?" Valkyrie asked.

"I think it is… Take a photo of him," Tanith said.

Valkyrie opened up the camera and took photos, distant and zoomed in.

"Fletcher, we need you to do something," Tanith called out over Fletcher's squeals.

Fletcher appeared beside them with a pop.

"You see that man at the gate?" Valkyrie pointed to the guy.

"Woah, shit yeah. How long has he been there?"

"No idea, but he was here before. Tanith chased him off with her sword a couple weeks ago but he's back again."

"Creepy. Have you told anyone?"

"The police but they didn't seem too bothered because it only happened once."

"We need you to teleport out there and take a photo of his face."

"Okay sure. It's just a creepy stalker."

"You can teleport, you'll be fine."

"What are you going to do?" Fletcher said.

"Call Skulduggery."

* * *

Skulduggery's phone buzzed and he picked it up immediately. The latest text from Valkyrie showed the startled face of a man. Pale faced, dark eyed with a terrible upper moustache and fuzz on his chin.

"Valkyrie sent me this," Skulduggery showed his phone to China , "that man has been hanging around Grimwood twice now."

China picked up a folder and opened it to show Skulduggery. The same man in a prison mugshot.

"He's a member of the Bloodcats," China said. "You did accept that by making yourself a target, Valkyrie would also become a target," she added.

Skulduggery set his phone down and lowered his gaze.

"Are we any closer to getting in?" he asked.

"The dinner party was a great success, we have to have patience. Which means no more breaking into Bloodcat properties," China warned.

"I stopped that yesterday. I was running out of disguises, now that my facade is settled. They can't know that their latest informer is really the Great Skeleton Detective in disguise."

China sighed and went back to the folder.

"Where's your wedding ring?" Skulduggery asked.

China sighed a took a gold band from her phone case and slipped it on the ring finger of her left hand.

"Much better,  _dear._ "

* * *

"Well he's definetly gone," Tanith annouced, shucking off her jacket and carefully hanging up her sword in its sheath, resting it across the coat pegs.

"I think Skulduggery scared him off for good," Fletcher said, his voice coming from a room somewhere.

"I hope so."

"Anyways, we got an idea for another vine, but we need your permission," Valkyrie shuffled out into the hall wrapped in a blanket.

"Ooh, which one?"

"Pour some sugar on meeee!" Fletcher sang loudly.

"The one with the little chihuahua who gets packets of sweets dropped on it while Def Leppard's 'Pour Some Sugar' plays."

"Sure."

"Awesome!"

Tanith lightly touched Valkyrie's arm stopping her from shuffling back off to wherever Fletcher was.

"Are you alright, about this whole thing with the creepy guy?"

Valkyrie looked nervously over to the kitchen.

"No. But I have to be. It's like Skulduggery said, he probably won't be back again. He's already been chased off by you screaming at him while waving a sword and Skulduggery chasing him in the Bentley. It'll be fine," Valkyrie shuffled off to the kitchen.

Tanith sighed and followed after her.

* * *

_Step inside_

_Walk this way_

_You and me babe_

_Hey hey!_

"Skip forward to almost the chorus," Tanith said from the floor. She was marking out a cross on the carpet with masking tape for Fletcher to teleport onto and drop the sweets.

_Little miss ah innocent sugar me, yeah_

"I'll leave it there," Valkyrie said.

"Okay. I'll get the Rexie."

Tanith rolled across the floor and jumped up to her feet by the window. She peeked out the curtains. No one was there. Tanith vaulted over the couch and checked the other window. Nothing and no one.

"You're creeping me out."

"Sorry I'm just checking."

Tanith walked away slowly and loudly opened and closed the door of the sitting room then loudly opened the kitchen door.

Tanith quietly went passed the door and ran up the wall. She checked every room and window upstairs before running back down the wall.

She had to make sure they were safe. Skulduggery wasn't saying it but that man that was dangerous and Tanith would protect everyone in that house until that man was gone.

* * *

T-Rex was nestled in beside Tanith relaxed and comfortable.

Valkyrie slowly stood up and walked slowly over to Tanith, phone out and ready to film.

Valkyrie nodded to Tanith. Tanith pressed the send button on her phone, balanced on the arm of the chair.

Tanith switched the tab over to Youtube and pressed play on the paused video.

_So c'mon, take a bottle, shake it up_

_Break the bubble, break it up_

_Pour some sugar on me_

Fletcher teleported in, arms filled with bags of sweets and let them fall onto the unsuspecting dog.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter was more serious than the others.
> 
> Up next it's Halloween and Alice expresses her love for the holiday.
> 
> No shout outs this chapter. We have a few requests we're working on, such as "I coulda dropped my croissant" but if anyone has any other requests, send them in.


	16. It's Frickin Bats

**This chapter was written by KenrickMNP**

* * *

"Halloween is the fuckin' best," Tanith said.

Her and Valkyrie strolled through the Halloween section of the biggest store they could find, staring at the life-sized clown dolls, giant plastic spiders, and anatomically inaccurate skeletons that peered at them from all down the aisle. It was five o'clock on Halloween. Nearly closing time for the shop, and the decorations that were left were greatly reduced.

"I know, right? Look at this," Valkyrie said, stopping to take a caged witch off the shelf. She pressed a button on the base of the cage and the witch lit up and spoke.

"I'M GOING TO EAT YOUR FLESH!" the witch screeched. It began cackling madly and shaking about, as if trying to escape the cage, before stopping abruptly.

"Lovely, right?" Valkyrie said, "it's truly heartwarming."

"Totally. She reminds me of Black Annis."

"Oh yeah, that crazy blue lady, right?"

"Yeah!"

"I never actually met her. Where'd she end up?"

"Dead, I think."

"Ah. Not surprising, didn't she live in caves?" Valkyrie said as she replaced the caged witch.

"Yup."

They continued down the aisle, admiring the decorations.

"Hey look at this," Tanith said. She picked something off the shelf and tossed it to Valkyrie, who caught it clumsily. Valkyrie started at it. It was a bowl, and the front of it was shaped like a skull.

"You should buy that and set it aside for Skulduggery's birthday. Or his Christmas."

"You know, I think I will. In fact…" Valkyrie looked around, staring at the decorations they had passed. Somewhere in her brain, a floodgate burst. "Here, hold it," she said.

Valkyrie chucked the bowl back to Tanith as she spun around. Tanith failed to catch it. It dropped and clattered on the hard floor. Valkyrie and Tanith both winced, expecting the brittle plastic to shatter. It stayed in one piece, though.

"Thank fuck," Tanith whispered, picking up the bowl.

Valkyrie ran back the way they came. Tanith waited for her and pretended to be browsing when a mother and her son passed. A few moments passed, then Tanith saw Valkyrie come running down the aisle with a shopping trolley. When she was a few yards down, she hopped on the back of the trolley and rid it the rest of the way. Tanith grabbed the front of it to keep from being crashed into, but she got pushed back and fell against the shelf, then slid onto the floor. Tubes of fake blood rained down on her. Thankfully, none of them burst. Tanith dropped the skull bowl and it once again clattered.

"Oops," Valkyrie said. She walked around the trolley and helped Tanith put the fake blood back on the shelf.

"Let's pretend nothing happened," Tanith said.

"Now that that's out of the way," Valkyrie said, then she picked up the bowl and put it in the trolley. "I'm also buying Black Annis," she said, dashing back to get the caged witch. "Oh god, what have you started? I want to buy everything now."

She put a cat skeleton in the trolley.

"We came in to buy bat silhouettes and now we're leaving with an entire section of the shop."

She put a hard rubber pumpkin in the trolley. Tanith watched in amusement.

"I feel like I should stop you for the sake of your bank account," Tanith said.

"Please do."

* * *

They ended up checking out with the skull bowl, the caged witch, the cat skeleton, the rubber pumpkin, two spider skeletons, an assortment of plastic spiders and cockroaches, a five-foot animated werewolf and a set of bat silhouette wall stickers. They also bought three multipacks of Halloween sweets.

"You know, I was genuinely expecting to have spent nearly one hundred euros in there. But that came in at just under forty," Valkyrie said, shoving the bags in the back seat.

"We are absolute masters at money saving," Tanith said.

"Of course you are," Valkyrie said. She sat down behind the wheel of the car and Tanith got in beside her. "But that's only because I bought you your spider and your werewolf."

"That's a good point- So, what are we doing now?"

"Picking up Alice, heading to my place, doing the vine," Valkyrie said, counting each on her fingers. She added, "possibly watching a Halloween film."

"Excellent plan. You ever watched The Exorcist? It's awesome. How about The Shining? Saw? God, there's so many to choose from, what are we watching?"

"I'm fairly certain we shouldn't watch any of those with Alice. It'll probably be The Nightmare Before Christmas or Hocus Pocus."

"Ah. Fun."

"I know, right?" Valkyrie said. She laughed slightly as she started the car. They drove away and headed towards Haggard.

* * *

A soon as they pulled up outside Valkyrie's childhood home, the front door opened, and Alice came bounding out, still wearing her Halloween costume. She shut the door and ran down the steps. Alice climbed in the back seat behind Valkyrie next to their shopping.

"Hey Stephanie, hey Tanith," she said.

"Hey, nice costume," Tanith said.

Valkyrie waved to her mum, who looked out between the drawn curtains.

"Thanks," Alice said, "I'm a witch."

"I can see that. Very spooky."

"How was the trick-or-treating?" Valkyrie asked, starting the car.

"It was fun. Dad took me, and we saw some of my friends. A teenage boy jumped out and dad screamed. I didn't though," Alice said, making it sound obvious. "I got a massive bag of sweeties, but I wasn't allowed to take them with me because Mum said I would eat them all."

"That's okay, we got sweets earlier that the three of us can share. You want to watch a movie?"

"Yeah!" Alice said, "what one?"

"You ever seen The Shining?" Tanith said.

"No…"

"Good," Valkyrie said, "that'll keep you awake all night."

"No it won't," Tanith and Alice said in unison.

"Trust me- it will," Valkyrie said. They were out of Haggard now, and the streetlamps ceased on the country roads. The car was enveloped in darkness.

"We can decide on the movie later," Tanith said. "Anyone got any music we can put on? I'm thinking Monster Mash, Spooky Scary Skeletons, pretty much anything Halloween-y."

"Yeah, here, find something," Valkyrie passed her phone to Tanith without looking away from the road. After a while of searching, Tanith put on Monster Mash. They listened to Halloween music for the rest of the ride.

* * *

The outside of Grimwood was lit only by the car lights. Inside, Xena barked with growing excitement at the sound of the engine.

"Hey, Alice, can you grab that stuff we bought?" Valkyrie asked.

"Yeah. Even the werewolf?"

"Especially the werewolf," Tanith said. She lingered by the front of the car with Valkyrie, who was looking around uneasily.

"You have your sword, right?" Valkyrie asked, keeping her voice low.

"Of course," Tanith glanced at the unlit areas of the driveway, "everything alright?"

"Yeah, I think so. Just keeping an eye out for the creepy dude."

"Smart," Tanith nodded. She came around to help Alice with the loot. She carried the werewolf figure under her arm, and picked up the rubber pumpkin and chucked it to Valkyrie. Tanith took Valkyrie's skull bowl. Alice carried the bag which held the rest of the stuff. When she approached her sister, Valkyrie held her hand out, offering to take the bag, but Alice held on to it defensively.

Tanith banged the werewolf on the doorframe when she first tried getting in, she cursed it then took it in properly. In the living room, Alice and Valkyrie greeted Xena. Tanith stood in the doorway for a moment, holding the werewolf by the arm to stop it front falling, then, satisfied there was no one there, she came in and spoke to Xena, whose tail thumped against the furniture.

"Are we watching a scary movie now?" Alice asked, first looking at Valkyrie then turning to Tanith.

"Not yet," Valkyrie said. "First, we're doing a Vine."

"Ooh, yes! What one?"

"It's fricking bats," Valkyrie said, trying to do her best impression of an American toddler. It wasn't very successful, but a hint of recognition showed on Alice's face.

"Is that the one with the little girl?" Alice asked, "and there are bats on the wall behind her?"

"That's precisely the one," Tanith said, raking through the bag, "and the bats look precisely like these," she produced the bat stickers from the bag. "Okay, maybe not precisely like these, but close enough."

Tanith threw the packet of stickers at Alice like it was a frisbee. Alice shrieked and ducked down, and the stickers hit Valkyrie's leg.

"Thank you," Valkyrie said, "now, what wall should we stick them on? I don't know how permanent they are, so I don't think we should do it down here. You know, just in case I'm generous enough to let them host the Requiem Ball here again."

"What's that?" Alice asked.

"Never mind," Valkyrie replied.

"So, upstairs somewhere?" Tanith said, pointing to the stairs as if they didn't all know where they were.

"Yep, onward!" Valkyrie said.

The three of them went upstairs. Xena looked inquisitively up at them but didn't bother following.

"This one?" Tanith asked, tapping the wall at the top of the stairs.

"Nah," Valkyrie said.

Tanith moved to the nearest room.

"This one?" she asked.

"Nah."

They moved on to Valkyrie's bedroom.

"This one?"

Valkyrie considered for a second, then said, "nah."

Tanith sighed. They went to the room Alice had claimed as her own.

"How about in here?"

"Alice?" Valkyrie said, questioning her sister.

"Yeah! I like bats, you can put them above my bed."

"Here, you do it," Valkyrie handed the stickers to Alice, who took the sheet out of the plastic pocket they were kept in.

Alice put the first sticker on the wall. Then the next. The wing of that bat creased slightly, but it could only be seen when looking closely. She put six stickers on altogether, she said she was keeping two on the sheet for later.

"'Kay, ready to do the Vine? This is an easy one," Tanith said.

"Yeah, I'm ready. Wait, no I'm not. What do I say?"

"Here," Valkyrie took out her phone and searched for the Vine.

They watched it, then Alice said she was ready to do the Vine.

"We don't really need to do anything, because you're the only one in it. So, here's my phone, and we'll sit over here so that we're not in the video."

Tanith and Valkyrie sat on the other side of the room, while Alice began filming.

"Lookit, lookit," Alice said, looking into the camera, not bothering to put on an accent. "It's fricking bats. I love Halloween."

Alice stopped recording.

"How was that?" She asked.

"Perfecto," Valkyrie said, standing up. Alice handed her the phone back. Valkyrie opened the videos and Alice and Tanith huddled around her as she pressed play.

Nothing went wrong in the video. Alice started the recording and ended it at exactly the right times, and there wasn't much she could have done wrong other than that. Valkyrie turned to Alice and high-fived her.

"Good job," Tanith said, "now to celebrate, we feast."

The three of them descended the stairs. Valkyrie peeked through the front window as they fell onto the sofa, and Alice climbed up next to her.

"Now then," Tanith said, watching Valkyrie check the other window. "What film are we watching?"

"Yeah, what are we watching, Stephanie?" Alice asked.

"I'm not sure," Valkyrie picked up a bag of sweets and opened them, offering some to Tanith and Alice.

"Something proper scary, you're supposed to get scared on Halloween," Tanith said.

"No, it needs to be family-friendly."

"Why-y-y?" Alice groaned.

"Because I don't want to traumatize you," Valkyrie said. She sat on the last space available on the couch.

"She won't get traumatised by one horror movie," Tanith said. "Alice, you won't get traumatised by one horror movie."

"I know, I believe you," Alice said, "and I want to watch a scary one. Stephanie, I promise I won't get scared."

"You know that's a pretty hard promise to keep," Valkyrie said.

"No, it's not."

"Yes, it is," Valkyrie said. "You can't just decide not to be scared of something."

"Yes, you can," Alice said.

"Wait, can you?" Tanith asked.

"Of course you can."

"How?" Tanith was genuinely curious.

"Just don't be scared."

"But how?" Valkyrie asked, also curious. "What are the individual steps you take so that you're not scared?"

"Okay, first, you start to get scared. Then, you stop."

Tanith and Valkyrie stared.

"Nope, I think you've lost me," Tanith said after a few moments. SHe shook the thought out of her head, "back to the original subject," she said, "have you guys seen the original Dracula?"

"I started watching it when I was little, but I can't remember anything from it," Valkyrie said.

"Can we watch that?" Alice asked.

"It's rated PG," Tanith said, pleading with Valkyrie, "and it's not scary. Unless you have a phobia of long silences and rubber bats on strings."

Valkyrie didn't take long to decide. "In that case, we're watching Dracula," she said, "get the sweets!"

"We finished the sweets when we were trying to decide what movie to watch," Alice said.

"Already?" Valkyrie sighed. "In that case, get the backup sweets!"

* * *

**Happy Halloween! Next time Alice reminds Valkyrie that she is not her dad.**

**Until next time, Happy Halloween!**


	17. You're Not My Dad

**Surprise! It's another chapter! It's my Halloween gift to all you readers. This chaoter was written by me (BethShadows.)**

* * *

"Well I'm off to go scare some trick or treaters! Bye Alice!"

"Bye Tanith!"

"Are you sure you don't want me to stay?"

"I'll take Alice out and we'll stop by yours. If I change my mind I'll let you know."

"Alright then, if you're sure. I'll see you later!"

"What you up to Alice?"

"Looking up jokes."

Valkyrie peered at the screen. One halfway down the page caught her eye.

"You should do that one."

* * *

"You ready Alice?" Valkyrie called from the sitting room. Her mum wanted Alice back in at eight at the latest and it was almost seven.

"We're almost ready," Skulduggery replied.

Valkyrie struggled up off the couch and checked her make up. Her joker smile was still in place, the blood was still bloody, her eyes still looked like she escaped the black parade.

"She's ready!" Skulduggery called.

Skulduggery came into the sitting room, his skull bare and sleeves rolled up, Alice came in behind him, dressed as his double in a fedora.

"I'm Skulduggery!" Alice cheered.

"You look terrifying," Valkyrie said.

"She looks quite marvellous if I do say so myself," Skulduggery said, "now off you go so I can resume my skulduggery behavior."

Valkyrie sighed.

"Come on Alice. Skulduggery seems to be lacking a funny bone tonight, let's go get sweets."

* * *

"Hey Alice, as a Halloween surprise I'm going to let you say the word "fuck" again," Valkyrie said.

"Are we doing another vine?"

"We are. Me and you are doing "You're Not My Dad", do you know the words?"

"You're not my dad! And then I don't know the rest."

"You're not my dad, you always wanna hear something, ugly ass fucking noodlehead."

Alice repeated it back like a parrot, a skeleton parrot, but still a parrot.

"Now once we get to the park we'll film the vine," Valkyrie pointed to the swing park ahead. They'd have to cut through it to get to Tanith's house.

"Don't we need Tanith?" Alice asked.

"She said we could do this without her. She wants to be home scaring the kids who knock on her door."

"You have nice friends," Alice said.

"Don't I just."

* * *

"Ready?" Valkyrie asked.

"Ready," Alice said. She stood a few steps away from Valkyrie, her white skull face highlighted by the light of Valkyrie's phone.

Valkyrie began filming.

"You're not my dad! You always wanna hear something, stupid ass fuckin," Alice started walking off, "noodlehead."

Valkyrie stopped filming. First take and it was perfect.

"You are scary good at this Alice," Valkyrie said, "you should be an actress when you're older."

"But I want to be a Skeleton Detective," Alice said.

"How about a regular detective?" Valkyrie tried.

"Nope. A skeleton detective. Now come on Stephy I want more sweets!"

* * *

"Someone's following us," Alice said.

Valkyrie's blood went cold. She gripped Alice's hand tighter and looked behind her.

A tall, thin man with no hair and no skin on his head waved at her.

"It's Skul, we're fine," Valkyrie said relaxing.

"Why is he following us?" Alice asked.

"He's been stalking random people all day. He likes Halloween because he can walk around with no disguise and scare people without consequences."

"I would do that if I was like him," Alice said, "ooh this house has a pumpkin!"

"This is Tanith's place," Valkyrie said.

Valkyrie opened the gate and Alice skipped up to the door and knocked.

The letterbox flapped open and shut. Open. Shut. Heavy footsteps moved behind the door.

"It's us Tanith!" Valkyrie called.

"Trick or Treat!" Alice called out.

The window to the right opened. A pale white hand covered in blood emerged and gripped the window sill.

Another hand emerged, equally pale and bloody. A head shrouded in white hair poked out the window, followed by pale shoulders.

The being shrieked.

Alice screamed.

"It's okay, it's just Tanith, scaring us," Valkyrie said. It didn't look like Tanith but it was undoubtedly Tanith.

More of the creature pooled out of the window. A white torn dress bloodstained and filthy, legs cut and bleeding.

It hissed.

It lifted it's head. It's face was white and shattered like a mirror.

It crawled over to them. Alice hid behind Valkyrie.

It stopped a foot away and stood up.

"You guys are the only ones who stayed for the whole performance," Tanith said. When she spoke her teeth were stained red.

"I'm not surprised," Valkyrie said dryly.

"Hey Alice, want some sweets?" Tanith asked.

"Don't I have to say a joke first?" Alice asked.

"If you want," Tanith said.

"What do you call two witches living together?"

"Girlfriends? Normal friends?"

"Broommates."

"Oh my god they were broommates," Tanith said.

* * *

**It's short but it's Halloweeny. Next time - what on earth are Tanith and Alice doing when Val's not home?**

**Happy Halloween everyone! Hope you enjoyed the spooky double chapter. This vine was requested by** **Patastroki**. **Your review meant so much I decided to write the chapter and do the double Halloween chapter.**

**What's everyone's plans for Halloween?**

**I have a Halloween Dance at school tomorrow night, I'm dressing up as Regan from the Exorcist. Tonight though I'm going to scare kids if we get any. Last year no one came to the door...**

**Until next time, Happy Halloween everyone!**


	18. When Val's Not Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by me

“Can we go up to the attic? Can we? Can we? Stephy said there’s some cool stuff up there,” Alice begged.

 

“Hmm…”

 

Valkyrie had given three instructions - not to let Alice have any ice cream before 2pm, not let Alice see the creepy guy (if he turned up, a week on and Tanith only caught him once more before China set up protective sigils to keep him out) and keep Alice safe.

 

If Alice was in the attic, she’d be safe and she wouldn’t see the creepy guy. Unless the attic was haunted, then she wouldn’t be safe. Still wouldn’t see the guy though…

 

“Okay,” Tanith said happily, “we’ll need a torch and some rope and enough water to last three days, that’ll last us six days-”

 

“It’s the attic,” Alice cut in.

 

“True,” Tanith nodded, “let’s go!”

 

“Can you carry me up the wall?”

 

That didn’t sound very safe.  

 

“Hmm… hmm… okay, but you have to hold on very, very tightly. I promised V - your sister that I would keep you safe and walking on walls isn’t very safe.”

 

“But you do it,” Alice pouted.

 

“I’m older and I’m well practised. Now hop on.”

 

Tanith crouched down and Alice jumped up onto her back. Tanith bounced Alice up and wrapped her arms tightly around Alice’s legs. Alice wrapped her arms around Tanith’s neck.

 

“Hold on really, really, really tightly,” Tanith said. “But without strangling me,” Tanith added.

 

Alice tightened her grip.

 

“Is that okay?”

 

Tanith took a test breath in and out.

 

“Yup. Now let’s walk!”

 

Tanith placed her foot up against the wall and waited for the roll of gravity shifting beneath her. She placed her other foot up, then took a step, and another, and another. The added weight of Alice on her back threatened to pull her down. Tanith walked on, bracing her legs and powering forwards up the wall.

 

Alice squealed with excitement as Tanith walked up and up, then turning to walk parallel to the stairs.

  


* * *

 

 

“Who’s this?” Alice held out a photo of a man in a Hawaiian shirt holding a trombone.

 

“That’s your uncle Gordon,” Tanith said.

 

“Oh him! I imagined him fatter.”

 

Tanith laughed and went back to searching through the clutter.

 

“Who’s the pretty lady?” Alice held out another photo. A woman with light skin, impossibly dark hair and eyes blue as ice was standing beside Gordon in what looked like the living room of Grimwood.

 

“That’s China. She’s a friend of Skulduggery’s, and Stephanie’s.”

 

“China? Like the country?”

 

“That’s what I’ve always thought. Apparently though she chose it for the material, you know like those delicate china plates?”

 

“She chose her name? I thought you were given names?”

 

“Some people choose their names. A lot of magic people choose their names but a lot of normal people choose their names.”

 

“Why?”

 

“To fit their identity. Magic people take names that fit them when they become magic. Normal people choose names when they find out who they are. Like if they’re born a girl in the wrong body, they might choose to take a feminine name for themselves to fit who they really are.”

 

“Like Charlotte! She was a boy for a few years until she became Charlotte. She has really pretty hair. What’s it called again when people are a different gender than their born body?

 

“Transgender. Wow, you are way more mature than a lot of adults.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

Alice went back to going through the photos.

 

How is it that a seven year old can be more aware and accepting that so many adults?

 

“Did Stephanie change her name when she became magic?” Alice asked.

 

“That’s for you to ask her about.”

 

“I know she’s called Valkyrie. Why can’t I call her Valkyrie if that’s her name?”

 

“That’s definitely for you to ask her about. I don’t really know.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Alice went silent for a second.

 

“Is China a friend of yours too?”

 

“Not really. We don’t get on much.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“We just don’t agree on a lot of things,” Tanith said.

 

“Okay,” Alice said, “there’s a really pretty girl in my class. She’s almost as pretty as China. She’s really kind too. I like getting paired with her for school trips, she makes me feel happy.”

 

“I like girls too.”

 

“As friends?”

 

“And as girlfriends.”

 

“Have you had a girlfriend?”

 

“I’ve had a few.”

 

“Wow. You’re lucky. I wish I had a girlfriend.”

 

“You don’t need to worry about dating at your age. There’s plenty time for that when you’re older. Plus you don’t need to know exactly what genders you like, you have time to figure it out and change your identity if you need to.

 

“I used to think I was gay because I only liked this one girl, so I identified as gay for a few years before I realised I do like boys too. I’m bisexual. Basically you can change your identity as you discover who you are.”

 

“I have a question,” Alice said.

 

“Go ahead Alice,”

 

“What’s pansexual? I’ve heard it but I don’t know what it means.”

 

“It’s attraction to anyone regardless of gender.”

 

“Okay,” Alice went quiet, “you’re a good person to talk to Tanith.”

 

“Thank you Alice, I try.”

 

Alice went back to looking through more photos. Tanith wandered off towards the back of the attic and tripped over a long, dark case on the floor and came down on to her knees.

 

“Mother fluffer!” Tanith shouted.

 

“What happened?” Alice asked.

 

“I tripped.”

 

Tanith turned around on her knees and investigated the case. It had three latches along its side. Tanith undid each one with a pop and a grunt of effort. Tanith opened the lid.

 

Inside was dazzling gold.

 

“Alice!”

 

Alice ran over, jumping over the pile of photos.

 

“What?”

 

“Look, Tanith pointed inside the case.”

 

Alice came round to Tanith’s side.

 

“Is that -”

 

“A trombone!”

* * *

 

Tanith slung the canvas tube bag over her shoulder and clambered down the attic ladder.

 

“I found the music stand!” Tanith hollered as she walked through the house.

 

“I found the music!” Alice yelled back.

 

“Print it! And get the sunglasses!”

 

“Okay!”

 

Tanith carried the music stand in it’s canvas bag through to the kitchen. She set it on the table and picked up the grey suit they’d found in the attic. Alice was already dressed in an assortment of Valkyrie’s suit like clothes.

 

Tanith set up the music stand beside the oven before taking the trombone part’s from the sink and assembling it, minus the mouthpiece. She gave the mouthpiece a test buzz before adding it.

 

Tanith played a B flat major scale, ascending and descending, then the same with an F major scale.

 

“I still got it,” Tanith said.

 

Alice came in wearing two pairs of sunglasses and holding a sheet of paper.

 

“Here’s the music,” Alice held out the sheet.

 

“Thank you,” Tanith took the paper and set it on the stand.

 

“And here’s your sunglasses,” Alice took one pair off and gave them to Tanith.

 

“Thank you again.” Tanith put on her sunglasses.

 

“Who’s filming? Cause I’m banging the door and you’re playing the trombone…”

 

“Hmm… I’ll set my phone up against a glass and film on it. That usually works.”

 

Tanith handed Alice the trombone, fetched a glass from the cupboard and leaned her phone up against it.

 

“Perfect! Get in position Alice.”

 

Alice took her place by the oven after handing Tanith the trombone.

 

“Okay, three, two, one!”

 

Tanith pressed record and stepped into position. She held the trombone up and played the first note, a low F with her arm stretched into 6th position.

 

There was a clatter as the glass fell backwards and Tanith’s phone landed on the table. The glass rolled off the table, bounced off the chair and smashed on impact with the ground.

 

“Bollocks!” Tanith whisper-shouted.

* * *

 

 

Tanith dialled the number she’d saved as Fletcher’s and Fletcher answered the ring before Tanith was going to hang up.

 

“Yas?” Fletcher drawled.

 

“Okay… We need your help to film a vine.”

 

“What vine?”

 

“It involves a trombone and an oven door getting banged shut repeatedly.”

 

“When Mom’s Not Home,” Fletcher said.

 

“In this case it’s when Val’s Not Home. It’s just me and Alice here and we broke a glass using it as a phone stand.”

 

“You don't have a popsocket?”

 

“I have no idea what that is. Can we count on your help?”

 

“I guess. Give me second.”

 

Static cracked through the phone.

 

“You there?” Tanith asked.

 

“I’m here,” Fletcher spoke from behind her.

 

“Jesus christ! Do not jump out at me, I hate it when people jump out at me!”

 

“You stole that from Saracen.”

 

“That I did,” Tanith said, “Alice! Fletcher's here!”

 

“Yay!” Alice shouted from the kitchen.

 

“Come to the kitchen. Alice has been banging on the oven door since I left to call you,” Tanith said walking over to the kitchen.

 

“You’re playing the trombone?” Fletcher asked.

 

“I was an excellent trombone player.”

 

“How long ago was this?”

 

“That is none of your concern.”

 

“It is if it concerns my ears.”

 

“Hush.”

 

In the kitchen Tanith got into position and Fletcher readied the phone to film.

 

“Count us up to four then start filming,” Tanith instructed.

 

“You got it, and 1,2,3,4!”

 

Tanith began playing counting the slide positions in her head. The first section was mostly in 6th position with a couple of 5th positions. The second was 6th, 5th, 4th and 3rd.

 

Tanith stretched her arm out to put the slide into 6th and hit the first note, a low F, without moving her arm she played the F up an octave.

 

 _6666666-_ the third F was mispitched but Tanith played on - _656656._

 

She moved onto the next section, her arm resting with the slide at 6th position.

 

 _666666656656_ _6666656346_

 

Tanith began repeating the first section and Alice began banging the oven door.

 

Tanith burst out laughing after the first bang and Alice joined in letting the oven door softly shut itself as she left it open.

 

“Cut!” Fletcher yelled and stopped recording.

 

“Well I messed up the playing anyway,” Tanith said as she laughed.

* * *

 

_66666666 56656 6666563-_

 

Tanith pitched the next note wrong. She kept playing but her groove had been thrown. She dropped the next note and the trombone made a sad sound.

 

Alice and Fletcher burst out laughing. Alice mimicked the noise the best she could between laughing.

 

“I’ve lost my mojo!” Tanith cried, adopting a fake Austin Powers accent.

* * *

 

Fletcher gave the signal and began recording.

 

Alice started laughing. Tanith bit her lip trying not to start.

 

“Just go ahead and begin playing,” Alice said between laughs.

 

Tanith gave in and joined her.

 

Fletcher cut the video and joined them in laughter. If you can’t beat them, might as well join them.

* * *

 

 

666666566565 66- 6563456

 

Tanith held her playing the best she could after missing the note.

 

Alice began banging the oven door and Tanith couldn’t hold it any longer. She let the laughter overtake her and Alice and Fletcher joined in.

* * *

 

 

“This one,” Alice banged the oven door shut. Tanith nodded to Fletcher and began playing.

 

_666666665 -_

 

Tanith burst out laughing.

 

“I was filming before Alice started talking by the way,” Fletcher said.

 

Tanith looked to Alice and the pair started laughing.

 

“This is going to take a while isn’t it?” Fletcher asked.

 

“Yup!” Tanith and Alice chorused.

* * *

 

 

“I got a good feeling about this one,” Tanith said.

 

“Let’s get cracking then!” Fletcher said and readied the camera.

 

“Action!” Fletcher instructed and began the recording.

 

Tanith played the first section. Then the second section. Then repeated the whole thing while Alice banged the oven door.

 

6666656543-

 

The last low F came out as a high F.

 

“Noo! Noo!” Tanith cried out in anguish.

* * *

 

 

_6666656656 666665346_

 

_666666566-_

 

“Nooooo! Nooo!” Tanith cried.

 

* * *

 

Fletcher began recording.

 

Alice kept talking.

 

“...unless you count the last one,” Alice stood up straight beside the oven as Tanith began playing.

 

_6666666656656 666666656346_

 

_666666656656 666666656346_

 

Alice banged the oven in time to the beat and Tanith played each note correctly.

 

“Did we do it?!” Alice asked excitedly.

 

“Yay!!” Tanith cheered.

 

“I’m still recording…” Fletcher said.

* * *

 

 

_666666656-_

 

“Nooo!”

 

Alice let out a deep sigh.

 

“Cut!” Fletcher cut the recording, “really Tanith?”

 

“Hush Fletcher.”

* * *

 

 

_6666666566656 666666656346_

 

Tanith repeated the first section.

 

_6666655-_

 

“Fucking, fuck, fuck!” Tanith exclaimed.

 

“Watch your profanity,” Fletcher said.

 

“You’re right. Fluffing, fluff, fluff!”

 

“That’s better,” Alice chimed in.

* * *

 

 

“1,2,3,4,” Fletcher counted in.

 

Tanith inhaled and played the first note. The low F came out wrong and Tanith started coughing.

 

“Cut,” Tanith coughed out.

* * *

“1,2,3,4!”

 

_666666656656 666666656346_

 

_666666666656656 666666656436_

 

“That was so fast!” Alice exclaimed.

 

Tanith steadied her breathing. She had played faster than intended and a lot faster than Fletcher had counted in.

 

“You guys need to stop talking as soon as you’re finished. I was still filming.”

 

“Fuck.”

* * *

 

 

Fletcher started filming.

 

Alice kept laughing.

 

Fletcher stopped filming.

* * *

 

 

“It’s all good,” Alice gave Fletcher a thumbs up. She’d contained herself enough to stop laughing.

 

“Alright then, action!”

 

Alice promoty burst out laughing again.

 

“Cut!”

* * *

 

“Action!”

 

_6666666656656 66666666534-_

 

Tanith’s playing died out.

 

“Okay,” Alice said.

 

Fletcher stopped filming.

* * *

 

Fletcher began recording.

 

“Let’s try - oh you’ve already started recording,” Alice laughed before a noise that resembled a pterydactyal came out of her mouth.

 

“What was that?” Tanith laughed.

 

“You sounded like a dinosaur,” Fletcher stopped filming.

 

* * *

 

 

“And, 1,2,3,4!” Fletcher began filming.

 

Tanith played the first section perfectly. The second followed suit. Adrenaline spiked through her. They could do this.  

 

She repeated the first section and Alice joined in banging the oven door to the beat.

 

Tanith repeated the second section.

 

She held her trombone to her face after finishing the last note. Alice held her pose frozen with the oven door shut.

 

“I stopped recording in time, we did it!!”

 

Tanith and Alice cheered.

* * *

 

 

“Can we try one more time?” Alice asked.

 

“I guess,” Tanith said. She held her trombone back up , “you alright to film another one Fletcher?”

 

“I am.”

 

“Count us in from four,” Tanith instructed and placed the trombone back on her face.

 

“One. Two. Three. Four,” Fletcher counted.

 

Tanith began playing the first part again. _66 666666 5665 66 666666 56346._ Alice began banging the oven door. Clang. Clang. Bang. Smash.

 

The glass of the oven door shattered and the plastic material cracked as Alice slammed it shut.

 

Tanith burst out laughing.

 

“Stephy! I’m sorryyy!!” Alice shouted.

 

Fletcher cut the video.

 

“I thought the point was to re-create the vine, not the fail…”

 

“Know anywhere that would fit a new oven immediately?” Tanith asked.

* * *

 

 

“What are you two up to?” Valkyrie waltzed into the kitchen expecting a mess. Instead the kitchen was scarily clean and Tanith and Alice were making something that smelled really good on the oven rings. The flames licked the bottom of the pan aesthically.

 

“We’re making pancakes. Here this one’s ready.”

 

“Wait, is that a new oven?” Valkyrie asked as she sat down. It was too clean, too shiny, too new. And it had a gas top. Her’s was electric...

 

“Yeah about that. Don’t worry about it,” Tanith slapped down a pancake on Valkyrie’s plate.

 

The usual golden pancakes colour was replaced with bands of blue, yellow and pink.

 

“What’s this?”

 

“It’s a _pan_ cake.”

 

“I love it.”

* * *

 

Valkyrie loaded up her computer, still with the desktop screen of Skulduggery and his jumper and crocs. There was a new folder in the top right corner. She kept all her files on the left.

 

The title under the folder read “When Val’s Not Home.”

 

“What on earth have they been up to Xena?” Xena looked at Valkyrie and licked her lips.

 

“No, I did not mention d-i-n-n-e-r. That’s later.”

 

Valkyrie clicked the folder. There were two videos inside it. She clicked on the first one.

 

Tanith stood by the oven in sunglasses, holding a trombone to her face, Alice beside her holding the oven door handle, her old oven door handle.

 

“Oh no. Xena, you didn’t stop this?”

 

Tanith began playing the trombone. Valkyrie instantly recognised the tune - “freaks.” Tanith played the next section. Alice joined in when Tanith began repeating the first section, banging the oven door to the beat.

 

“That wasn’t too bad,” Valkyrie said to Xena. Xena lifted her head and thumped her tail once.

 

Valkyrie clicked on the next video. Tanith and the trombone, Alice and the oven door. Tanith played it all. Alice joined in. Three bangs in and the glass of the oven door smashed.

 

Tanith burst out laughing.

 

“Stephy! I’m sorry!” Alice shouted.

 

The video ended.

 

“So that’s what happened to my oven...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time Tanith is protective of her croissant.
> 
>  
> 
> I actually play the trombone and me and KenrickMNP have done this vine ourselves. The outtakes you see above all happened to us, except the last one which is linked below.
> 
>  
> 
> Our video took a lot longer to do than Tanith and Alice’s but the end result was the same, we had a functioning video and a broken glass. We did our video with a cupboard instead of an oven but hey ho, and it featured bananas.
> 
>  
> 
> We showed the grandmother the video and her response “my cupboard.”
> 
>  
> 
> Fail video- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4I1vqUiLlf8
> 
>  
> 
> No shout outs with week.
> 
> You know the drill
> 
> Until next time, happy November.


	19. I Coulda Dropped My Croissant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by KenrickMNP

Tanith opened Valkyrie's front door a little too enthusiastically, with T-Rex held under one arm she burst into the house without worrying about breaking the door. Valkyrie, who had been laying on the couch reading with Xena snuggled next to her, sprung up from the couch, ready to fling lightning at the intruder. When she saw who it was, she relaxed.

"Fucknuggets," Valkyrie said. "You gave me a fright."

Tanith chuckled sheepishly. "Sorry," she said, "in future I'll knock before kicking the door down."

T-Rex ran to Xena and licked her muzzled excitedly. Valkyrie dropped her battered paperback copy of  _The Coward Corporal Fleece_ on the table.

"So, what's up?" Valkyrie asked.

"That's the thing. Absolutely nothing is up, other than the ceiling. I'm bored, and you're the only person not working."

"Well, do you want to do a Vine?"

"Valkyrie you smart motherfucker, why didn't I think of that?"

"That's the whole reason you came here, isn't it?"

"Not really but kind of," Tanith admitted.

"Which one do you want to do?" Valkyrie asked, sitting back on the couch. Tanith sat next to her.

"I don't know. Even though there's a pretty much endless supply I can never think of one. What's a classic one we haven't done?"

Valkyrie thought about it for a moment.

"I Coulda Dropped My Croissant?" she suggested.

"Oh yeah, that's a good one." Tanith stood up. "Do you have any croissants in it?"

"No. At least not that I know of. We could go buy some? That'll pass some more time."

"Yeah. I guess we'll have to. Wait, where's Fletcher? He can get some quickly and bring them here."

"School day," Valkyrie explained, "he's teaching."

"Dammit. Why do people have to have jobs?"

"It's so unfair. Now we need to drive all the way to Haggard."

"I'll get your keys."

* * *

Driving back from Haggard, Tanith bit into a croissant.

"I hope you don't eat all of them before we get a chance to do the Vine," Valkyrie said.

"Relax, there's four croissants in this pack. We only need one for the Vine. Here, have one."

Tanith poked the corner of Valkyrie's mouth with a croissant. Valkyrie opened her mouth to make it easier but didn't take her eyes off the road and bit into thin air a couple of times before she got it.

"Thank you," Valkyrie mumbled incomprehensibly.

"You're welcome," Tanith said, mimicking Valkyrie by mumbling even though she had finished her croissant.

Valkyrie chewed more of her croissant and swallowed most of it.

"I prefer these when they're warm," she said.

"Same, but until someone invents cars with built-in ovens, this'll have to do. Do you want to share this spare one?" Tanith held up the third croissant.

"Nah, save it. We might need it."

Tanith stared at it in her hand. "Are you sure?" She asked.

"Yes. Close your mouth before you start drooling over it."

Tanith elbowed Valkyrie and put the croissant back in the half empty packet with the other one.

* * *

"'Sup doggos!" Tanith said when they got back to Grimwood.

Valkyrie heard Tanith thump down on the couch while she stood in the doorway, surveying the landscape which was cluttered with trees. Looking around like this had become something of a habit since they caught the creepy guy outside, even though they hadn't seen him recently. When Valkyrie was sure no one was lurking about, she joined Tanith inside. Tanith leapt up when Valkyrie came in.

"You ready for the Vine?" Valkyrie asked.

"Definitely. We've nothing better to do."

"Nope, we do not."

Tanith shrugged off her coat and unclipped her sword from her waist, then dropped them on the table.

"Get a plate for the croissant," Valkyrie said.

Tanith saluted with two fingers and headed to the kitchen. Meanwhile, Valkyrie thought about a good corner to film at. Probably one upstairs, coming out of a bedroom (or possibly the study) and into the hall.

Tanith came back, holding a small white plate.

"I got it," she said, and flung it at Valkyrie like a frisbee.

Valkyrie caught it in her left hand. She almost got it in both, but it banged off her fingertips.

"Ow, ow, ow!" she cried, shaking her aching hand to get rid of the throbbing pain. "What were you hoping to achieve by throwing that?"

"I don't really know. I thought it'd be fun and the urge to throw it was too strong."

"Apology accepted. Never mind, though. I've had worse."

Tanith patted her shoulder.

"So, where are we filming?"

"Upstairs, somewhere. I was thinking I come out of my bedroom just as you're walking down the hall," they headed up the stairs. Xena followed them. T-Rex began following, too, but decided against it halfway up and lay down to sleep on one of the steps. "In the actual vine there are steps on the corner, but obviously I don't have that, so this'll have to do."

"A fuckoff massive mansion and you don't even have corner stairs. What is the point of that?"

"It's not that big a house," Valkyrie said defensively.

"Be honest. It's big enough to expect corner stairs  _somewhere."_

Valkyrie thought about it for a moment, then surrendered. "You're right," she said, "I'm gonna make a few phone calls to get a set of stairs put in on a corner somewhere."

Tanith opened her mouth, shut it, then opened it again and spoke. "You're very good at sarcasm. Sometimes I can't even tell if you're joking."

"I think it's something I picked up from Skulduggery."

"Makes sense," said Tanith with a shrug.

"So! How about here?" Valkyrie asked. They were at the end of the hallway. Instead of one of the bedrooms, it was Gordon's old study. "If I'm in here as you're walking down the hall, something, something, something, 'I coulda dropped my croissant!'"

"Very technical description. Sounds good, shall we start?"

Valkyrie nodded, fished her phone out of her pocket. Tanith backed further up the hallway, and Valkyrie hid around the corner.

"Okay," she said, perhaps louder than was necessary. "…Action!"

She heard Tanith shuffling down the hall and jumped out when she thought she was nearly in front of the doorway.

"Raagh!"

"Aahh! Stop! You coulda made me drop my croissant…"

Valkyrie stopped recording.

"Did that work?" Tanith asked.

"I don't think so. I think I jumped out too early, and in the Vine their screams are almost simultaneous, whereas ours was one after the other."

"Yeah, you're right. Also, my scream was very fake."

"Not much we can do about that, though."

They got back in position.

"And… Action!"

Valkyrie listened intently for Tanith's footsteps. Any second now…

"Hey, Valkyrie."

Valkyrie, started, jumped at the sound of her voice. Tanith was right next to her.

"Why didn't you jump out?"

"I didn't hear you," said Valkyrie meekly.

"Hold on a second," Tanith said. She stepped back to her starting position and walked towards the door, counting quietly. "Okay, I'm about five steps away, each step taking a second. This time, count to four, then jump out."

Valkyrie held her thumb up and stepped into the study.

"Action!" She said.

She counted to four, as Tanith told her, then jumped out.

"Raargh!"

"Ahhgghaha…" Tanith's fake scream melted into laughter, "I'm sorry," she said, "Sorry. Right. Okay."

Valkyrie waited for her to stop laughing, watching her in amusement

"The stuff we do… is honestly so ridiculous. When you think about the fact that we're both legit adults."

"Yeah, well, when you consider what sort of stuff we do for a living, we deserve a bit of silliness."

"True," Tanith took a deep breath. "Right. Let's get on with it."

They got into their respective positions.

"…Action!" Valkyrie said. She counted to four, then jumped out.

"Raagh!"

"Aaagh! Stop! I coulda dropped my croissant!"

"I think that worked," Valkyrie said.

"Same, let's watch it and find out."

Valkyrie opened the videos on her phone, and they clicked the most recent one. It worked, but there was something… missing.

"It doesn't look like I'm getting a fright. You can tell we're faking it."

"Let's try again," Valkyrie said.

Valkyrie stepped into the study, and Tanith backed up five steps. She noticed Xena watching them with interest and shot her a massive grin.

"Action!" Valkyrie said.

Tanith walked down the hall, carrying the croissant, trying to act natural, like she was minding her own business and unsuspecting of someone about to jump out with a camera.

Valkyrie burst out, pointing the camera at her.

"Raaghh!"

"Aaaghh!" Tanith recoiled from Valkyrie, and said, "stop! You coulda made me- I coulda- oh fuck."

Valkyrie stopped recording.

"I fucked up my lines," Tanith said.

"I noticed. Never mind, though. I liked how you took a step back from the camera- It made the fright look more genuine."

"Yeah? I'll do that next time as well, then."

They got back in position.

"Action!" Valkyrie said. She waited four seconds, then jumped out.

"Raaghh!"

"Aaahgg! Sto-"

Valkyrie noticed Xena had decided that instead of observing from a safe distance, the end of the hall, she wanted front-row seats, and had followed Tanith down the hall.

Tanith did not notice this. Not at the same time as Valkyrie, at least.

As Valkyrie opened her mouth to say, "watch out!" Tanith recoiled from the camera just as she said she would, and that was how she found out Xena had moved. When she tripped backwards over the dog.

Valkyrie winced as Tanith fell to the ground. The plate and the croissant separated in mid-air as they flew out of Tanith's grip, and Valkyrie saw the croissant spinning upwards in the air. It seemed to slow and stare at her like the grin of a mad god, then it bounced off the ceiling and started it's decent to the ground. Xena hopped back to safety and watched as the plate crashed directly onto Tanith's face and the croissant landed… Right in front of her.

There were a couple moments of silence as the three players considered what had just happened, then Tanith broke it by saying:

"Fucking hell that hurt."

Xena picked up the croissant, and it fit in her mouth perfectly. She set it down and licked her lips, looking slightly abashed. She picked it up again and darted towards the stairs.

Valkyrie looked down at Tanith.

"You okay?" she asked.

Tanith lay on the ground, her hands on her stomach and her face framed by shards of ceramic. None of it had broken the skin, but her face looked as if it might bruise.

"Peachy," groaned Tanith.

Valkyrie held her hand out and pulled her up.

"It's a good thing we kept that spare croissant," Valkyrie said.

"Yup. You got get it, I'll pick up these pointy bastards."

Valkyrie headed down the stairs. Xena had retreated to the couch, and was curled up there, sharing the croissant with T-Rex.

"'Sup, troublemakers?" Valkyrie said, and T-Rex cocked his head at her. Xena was more focused on the croissant.

Valkyrie picked up the spare croissant and waved it in the dogs faces. T-Rex leaped up to take a bite out of it, but Valkyrie pulled it away before he got the chance and tickled his forehead instead.

Tanith came downstairs with the shards of broken plate. She put them in the bin in the kitchen, and when she came back, she had a new plate. Valkyrie took it from her and set the croissant on it while Tanith picked up T-Rex and smothered his face with kisses. T-Rex looked at Xena uncomfortably and Xena looked back, but could do nothing.

"Okay, enough of that," Tanith said. She set T-Rex back on the couch and took the plate and croissant back from Valkyrie. "Let this be the croissant of destiny!" She cheered, holding the croissant above her as if it was a holy item. She lowered herself onto her knees.

"I feel like I should be chanting some prayers," Valkyrie said.

"You should be."

"Too bad I don't know any prayers. Especially not ones about croissants."

Tanith nodded repeatedly, still holding the croissant in the air. Her head bobbed up and down.

"Tanith?" Valkyrie prodded.

"Uh-huh?"

"You're still nodding."

Tanith shut her eyes, shook her head and lowered her croissant.

"Yeah, sorry. Pretty sure I have a slight concussion from the plate. Should we get on with the Vine?"

"That would be wise."

Tanith stood up and they went back upstairs. Valkyrie took the stairs up, Tanith took the wall. They got to their positions.

"You ready?" Valkyrie asked from around her corner.

"Yup, no dogs here."

"Perfect. In that case: Action!"

Valkyrie waited four seconds, then she popped around the corner and screamed in Tanith's face.

"Aaah!" Tanith cried in response, her eyes widened, "Stop! I coulda dropped my croissant!"

Valkyrie stopped recording.

"I think we got it," she said.

"Yes!" Tanith said. She swung her palm out for a high five that flew right past Valkyrie, because she didn't notice it. She was on her phone getting the video up. Tanith gave her an offended stare for a second, before focusing on the video.

Nothing went wrong in it this time, and although Tanith's fright didn't seem one hundred percent genuine, it was far better than their other attempts.

"That was awesome," Tanith said, "I'm awesome, you're awesome, we're both awesome," and without missing a beat she added, "come one, I'm hungry, let's get food."

Tanith turned and went downstairs.

"Fair enough," Valkyrie murmured, and followed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next Tanith+fire+Nickelback= a vine with some chaos.
> 
> No shout-outs again, so there are many slots available for shout outs.
> 
> If anyone has any vines they want to see, send them in along with any particular characters you want to see re-creating the vine.
> 
> The language is back! If you know the language send it in to get a shoutout.
> 
> Until next time, Прощай


	20. How You Remind Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by me

"Dublin Mortuary, you stab 'em, we slab 'em, Tanith speaking."

"Hey Tanith."

"Hey Val, what's happening? I had my court thing today about chasing that guy with my sword, said I could face up to four years in prison so Ghastly got Geoffrey to make it go away before it went to trial as a trial is devastating for the magical community," Tanith breathed for the first time since starting to talk, "so how's you?"

"I don't even know where to begin with what you said so I'm going to ignore it," Valkyrie said, "do you have a blow torch? And some hairspray? Alice used up the last of my hairspray turning her hair into a Trollz spike..."

"My blow torch is broken."

"Did it run out of gas? You know you can just buy more."

"Nah, I chucked it out the window because there was a forky-tail thing on it and I got a fright. It smashed my window and broke. So no blow torch. I have hairspray but not much. What's it for? If it's for another flame thrower-I'm in."

"It's for a vine. I was thinking the one with the guy using a blowtorch and hairspray to make a flamethrower while "How You Remind Me" plays in the background."

"I'll be at yours in an hour-" The line ended.

"Tanith? Tanith? Oh well she's dead," Valkyrie shrugged and ended the call.

* * *

"So they wouldn't let me buy hairspray at the Euro Store after that whole thing a while back, so I went to the hardware store place and bought a blow torch. Then I went to Tesco and bought six cans of hairspray, some crisps, some popcorn, some pop tarts," Tanith listed her purchases as she unpacked the bag onto the table, "some Fanta, some Jaffa cakes, and some donuts. Then I went to the Co-op and bought those really nice salt and vinegar crisps, some sushi, some watermelon, a bottle of Doctor Pepper, those awesome salted caramel and chocolate cookies -"

"How much did you spend?" Valkyrie asked as the pile of food on the table grew bigger with each item.

"Came to a grand total of €69," Tanith announced. "And 5 cents."

"Can't forget the 5 cents," Valkyrie said.

"No we can not," Tanith agreed.

* * *

_And I've been wrong, I've been down, down to the bottom of every bottle_

Tanith sprayed the hairspray over the blow torch's flame and it caught. She kept the spray of fire going and tossed her head back and forth.

Valkyrie resisted the urge to make an Exorcist joke.

Tanith's hair brushed close to the fire.

"Tanith watch your hair!"

Tanith flipped her hair and the ends of her long, loose hair brushed against the flames, catching fire. Tanith screamed and dropped the hairspray and blow torch.

"Tanith!" Valkyrie dropped her phone and tackled Tanith to the ground. She ripped off her jacket and threw it over Tanith's hair and furiously beat on it until the smoke stopped curling out the edges.

First a plate, now singed hair. Tanith was not having a good time. Valkyrie lifted her jacket to reveal half of Tanith's hair lengthwise was singed and burnt. Valkyrie climbed off Tanith and rescued her (still uncracked) phone from the ground, where it dutifully filmed on.

Valkyrie pointed the phone to Tanith lying on the grass.

"You okay?" Valkyrie asked out of breath.

"I lit my hair on fire… it was awesome!"

Valkyrie stared and zoomed in on Tanith's face before cutting the film.

"The blowtorch is still lit," Tanith said.

Valkyrie ran over and grabbed it. She turned it off and dropped it beside Tanith.

"We're gonna need some help," Valkyrie said.

* * *

China's phone rang from her pocket.

"You gonna answer it?" The Irish drawl of Ronan, the Bloodcat's second in command, echoed in China's ear.

Ronan plucked a handful of cocktail sausages from the bowl and stuffed them in his mouth while staring at her, raising his eyebrow as he waited for her to reply. He clearly wasn't used to waiting for a response.

China dug out her phone and checked the caller ID. It was Valkyrie.

"I suppose I better," China said, " would you excuse me?"

"You're excused," Ronan said, his mouth full and horrible voice muffled. The man had the strangest accent. It was some kind of Southern, mixed with Irish. The result was a grating voice that hurt her ears.

China turned away from the revolting man, dropped her fake smile and answered the phone.

Ronan was despicable. Despicable in his eating habits, in his inability to control the volume of his voice, in his hygiene habits, in his blatantly misogynistic attitude, and in his position as head of the Bloodcats. It was Ronan who had come up with the name, Bloodcats, something he'd brought up no less than fifty six times in last two hours.

"Hello?"

"China!" Valkyrie cheered, "you're the first person to pick up, are you busy?"

"I'm in a meeting," China answered, glancing quickly back to Ronan. He was still eating. His sausage like fingers plucking the delicate canapes from their plate and cramming them in his mouth. He smiled at her, mouth open.

China held up a finger to signal she'd just be a minute and left the room, seeking an escape in the plain hallway outside her apartment. This was a meeting she could skip.

"Oh," Valkyrie paused," is Skul there?"

"He is not, it's a closed meeting." Besides Skulduggery was off charming the Bloodcats' treasurer, a weedy man with tattoos from head to toe, to fund their latest "criminal venture". The venture being the eradication of the Bloodcat Gang.

Not that the Bloodcats knew that.

"Is it an important meeting?" Valkyrie asked stressing the 'important.'

No. China was reduced to keeping the man distracted with food while Skulduggery handled the important details. The important details that China had organised. The important details Skulduggery was just reading off notes China had made.

"All meetings are important dear."

Valkyrie made a choking noise over the phone.

"How long will it last?" Valkyrie asked, her voice high.

Hopefully not much longer.

"It will last as long as it lasts. What is this about?" China leaned back against the wall. Ronan was moving about heavily on the other side.

"We're doing a thing with fire and Tanith just burned off half her hair and we need someone to give us hand to film it or stand holding a bucket of water in case Tanith tries to do another impression of Daenerys Targaryen."

China sighed. Skulduggery had told her about the videos they were making; she'd even seen some herself on Tanith's Instagram page. Skulduggery had also proudly showed her the one of him pulling Tanith from the moving car through the window and into the snow.

"Is this for your video collection?" China asked.

"It is yes," Valkyrie said, "please?"

* * *

"Valkyrie! Give them!"

Valkyrie dived past Tanith, mindful of the scissors in her hand, rolled over the couch and landed on her feet on the other side.

"No!" Valkyrie yelled, "I promised China I wouldn't let you cut your hair until she got here!"

Tanith leaped at her and belly flopped onto the couch. Valkyrie took her chance and shot off through to the front stairs. She ran up them as fast as her legs would let her. Valkyrie tripped over the top step, rolled forward and landed in a superhero landing. She got back to her feet and ran down the other side of the corridor.

Tanith's feet sounded from the walls. Valkyrie ran into the linen cupboard she'd stuffed with bedsheets in an unorganised way and opened up the trap door on the floor. She'd recently found this secret staircase when the sheets all fell on top of her and the floor bounced beneath her when she landed. Painfully.

Valkyrie carefully stepped down the first three stairs, ducked down and closed the trap door over her head. In the dark she couldn't see how small the space was. She flicked the switch on the wall and the narrow chamber opened up. It was not much bigger than a lift shaft with steep spiral stairs. Valkyrie quickly and carefully went down the stairs ignoring how she could touch both walls without full extending her arms. The walls slowly crept in on her the further she went.

The stairs ended at the wooden panel at the back of the pantry area. Valkyrie opened the panel, hurriedly crawled through, restored the panel and emerged into the kitchen.

Tanith was yelling her name from upstairs.

Valkyrie leaped up onto the kitchen counter, took the tub down from the top shelf and added the scissors to the collection of knives and scissors she'd collected over the past half hour to prevent Tanith from cutting her burned hair off.

"Valkyrie!" Tanith yelled, "China's here! Now give me the motherfucking scissors!"

Valkyrie tossed the tub back up and jumped down off the counter.

"Valkyrie Cain I will murder you! You even took my fucking sword!"

Valkyrie had stashed Tanith's sword in echo-stone Gordon's room.

Valkyrie could faintly hear Tanith talking to China.

"Fuck you!" Tanith yelled out. "Valkyrie Cain get your fucking arse out here before I burn your hair to your scalp!"

* * *

"Hold still," China snapped. Valkyrie looked up from her phone, China held a chunk of burned hair in her hand and dropped it to the floor, adding to the singed carpet.

"That will do for now."

Tanith's hair was now cut to her chin. All the burned hair, plus what seemed like more, was cut away leaving a fluffy looking haircut that stuck out in blonde waves.

"Tanith, what do we say to the nice lady?" Valkyrie asked.

"Thank you," Tanith said begrudgingly.

"You're welcome," China said, "Now what was it you needed me to do, besides fix the mess on Tanith's head?"

"We need you to stand beside me and hold a bucket of water in case Tanith sets herself on fire again," Valkyrie explained.

"That's all?"

"That's all."

"I suppose I could help."

* * *

Valkyrie held the phone out, and zoomed in on Tanith. Tanith held the blowtorch and a new can of hairspray.

"I still can't believe you bought six cans of hairspray," Valkyrie said.

"You bought six cans of hairspray?" China asked from behind Valkyrie. She had a bucket of water at her feet ready to be thrown if Tanith lit herself on fire again.

"That I did. I also bought a metric fuck ton of food, now let's get to filming! Also it is cooolllddd out here."

"It's after midnight, it's Ireland and it's November. What part of that makes you think it's gonna be warm?" Valkyrie pressed play on the "How You Remind Me" lyric video before Tanith could reply.

_It's not like you to say sorry, I was waiting on a different story. This time I'm mistaken, for handing you a heart worth_

"Action!" Valkyrie cried out and began filming.

_breaking._

_And I've been wrong_

_I've been down_

Tanith lit the hairspray on fire with her blowtorch and held it out, dramatically headbanging to the music, flipping her newly cut hair.

_Into the bottom of every bottle_

Tanith slipped and fell forward.

"Fuck!" Tanith threw the blow torch off into the grass one direction and the hairspray the other.

"My grass!" Valkyrie screamed.

"My face!" Tanith cried.

Valkyrie shoved her phone into China's hands, grabbed the bucket of water and ran off to the grass where the fire began spreading out from the hairspray.

"It's gonna blow!" Tanith yelled.

Valkyrie chucked the water over the hairspray can, relaxing visibly when the flames went out. She stuck her thumbs up at China, still holding her phone.

"Cut!" Tanith said from the ground. "Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh mY GOD!"

Tanith scrambled backwards and began pointing at it.

"There was a slug. Right in front of me. A massive fucking slug." Tanith pointed forcefully to the slug and China stopped filming.

"Are you two ever normal?" China asked.

Tanith pointed at the slug.

Valkyrie ran past screaming holding a flaming can of hairspray.

"I lit it on fire!" Valkyrie screamed.

"How did you manage that?" China asked.

"I don't know!" Valkyrie screamed.

Xena howled distantly from inside the house.

* * *

Tanith dumped salt onto the last slug and ran over to China and Valkyrie.

"All 219 slugs on the outside of this premises have been eradicated. Feel free to thank me."

"You spent an hour doing that. We could've had the vine done and dusted by now," Valkyrie said.

"Well it's done now and we can get to vine-ing."

"Action!"

_And I've been wrong, I've been down down to the bottom of every bottle_

Tanith lit the blow torch and set the hairspray on fire. She dramatically headbanged to the music.

Valkyrie stopped filming.

"We did it. It took five hours and twenty two minutes but we did it."

China checked the time on her watch. Two twenty five. AM. Ronan better have gotten bored and left. That man required more patience to deal with that she possessed.

"Would you care to join us in the next, great part of our vine?" Valkyrie asked dramatically.

"That depends what it is," China said warily.

"We upload the video on to the computer, eat food and watch the vine, before trying to decide which vine is next," Tanith explained.

"You keep saying that word vine? What is that?" China asked.

"A vine is a six second long video that was on the website Vine. We're re-creating them. That video we just filmed was a vine that someone made and uploaded," Tanith answered.

"You can't tell Skulduggery though," Valkyrie added.

"Why not?" China asked.

"Because we have something planned for him to do with vines and it's just easier. I'm not sure his ego would take it if he knew he was only recreating someone else's creation instead of being part of an original thing." Valkyrie explained.

"Don't tell Skulduggery," China said nodding slightly. That made no sense, but she was too tired to question it.

"You got it. Now there is a bag of salt and vinegar amazing crisps with my name on it so -" Tanith bolted towards the door and flung it open.

"Tanith is...odd," China said.

"That is one word for her," Valkyrie agreed, "she's a good person though, and she's fun to be around."

"Life certainly isn't boring when people like her are around."

* * *

China left around 4am, not long after Valkyrie had fallen asleep on the couch. Tanith was still wide awake on the computer watching more of those vine compilations when China left.

Ronan was sitting up waiting when she arrived.

"You took yer time," Ronan said.

"My friend had an issue. It took a while to sort out."

"It's good to have friends. Lucky for you and your husband now you have a whole lot of new friends."

'Husband.' That ruse was going to come back one day and get her.

"How lucky for us," China said. She meant none of it.

"Gotta say, I can't see many wedding photos around. You didn't have a happy day?"

"You looked around my apartment?" China asked, keeping her voice calm.

It wasn't her real apartment that she lived in, but it was still her space.

"I had to do something," Ronan the glaring violation of her privacy, "your boy ain't back yet. Must be another long meeting."

"Must be," China agreed, staring at Ronan's turned head with enough intensity to make a Wraith cower.

"If you're wanting to bed you can go. I gotta sit here till boss man comes back."

"I'll wait."

"Cool. Cool. Hey how about a cup of tea while we wait?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next, I dinnae know.
> 
> So that's what Skulduggery and China are up to. Taking down a criminal gang with a stupid name.
> 
> And poor Tanith, a plate to the face last week, half her hair burned off this week. She'll catch a break next week. Maybe. It'll be a surprise.
> 
> Shoutout goes to - No one. Send the language in a review to get a shoutout.
> 
> Any requests just send them in.
> 
> Until next time, viso gero


	21. This Kid's Definitely On Cr@ck Right Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by KenrickMNP

"Hey Valkyrie, catch!"

Tanith threw a basketball at Valkyrie from the end of the driveway. Valkyrie, standing in front of the door, raised her hand and batted the ball away with the heel of her hand.

"I said catch," Tanith said disappointedly.

"I don't like catching balls. They remind me of PE at school."

"That's ridiculous, Valkyrie. You lazy old bag."

"Lazy? Look at this shit," Valkyrie rolled up her sleeve and tensed her bicep. "You're lazy."

"Whatever."

Valkyrie picked up the basketball from where it had rolled away.

"Is this for a Vine?" Valkyrie asked.

"Yup, you know the one with the kid who appears to be on crack? I thought we could do that one," Tanith it.

"Sounds good, here," Valkyrie bounced the ball towards Tanith, who caught it far more gracefully than Valkyrie did.

"So who's going to be the kid?" Valkyrie asked.

"You."

"Why me?"

"Because it's gonna be dangerous and I'm cursed," Tanith said plainly.

"Cursed? How come?"

Tanith passed the ball back to Valkyrie.

"In the past two weeks I've had a plate fall on my face and I've set my hair on fire so I don't really trust anything. Also, the other day I was walking down the street and an old lady on a motorized scooter crashed into a toddler on a bike. I would've been right in the middle of it, if it weren't for the fact that there was a seagull on the road glaring at me so I swerved to avoid it."

"You were scared of a seagull?"

"It was a very threatening seagull."

Valkyrie stared at Tanith.

"What?" Tanith said defensively, "seagulls can be scary."

"Maybe when there's a swarm of them flying around you or something, but just one on the edge of the road?"

"Yes!"

"Riiight," Valkyrie nodded skeptically, then, moving on, she said, "should we start?"

"Yeah, we should. Here," Tanith waved her hands towards herself, motioning for Valkyrie to pass the ball, which she did. When Tanith caught it, she said, "call Fletcher, we'll need someone to film."

"Yup," Valkyrie said, already texting Fletcher. She pressed send, put her phone away and they waited. Valkyrie bobbed her head to the tune of nothing, and Tanith bounced the basketball back and forth between her hands. A few moments passed, then Fletcher arrived.

"Wazzup?" he said, sticking his tongue out and waving his hands with his index finger and pinky sticking up.

"What took you so long?" Tanith asked.

"What do you mean? I was only a couple of minutes."

"Normally you're a couple of seconds," Valkyrie said.

"Yeah, well I have a life outside of teaching and filming Vines," he said, crossing his arms, "also you didn't actually say where you were so I had to look around the house before realising you were out here."

"That makes sense," Tanith said.

"So what one are we doing today? A basketball…" Fletcher racked his brain for Vines involving basketballs. "That one with the crack kid?" He suggested.

"Ding-ding-ding!" Tanith said, "correct. Here, catch."

She launched the ball at Fletcher, whose eyes widened before he teleported out of the way, only a couple of feet. The ball hit the ground and bounced away. Fletcher teleported towards it, caught it as it was on its fourth or fifth bounce, then teleported back to Tanith and Valkyrie. He held the ball up.

"Am I throwing the ball? Is that why you threw it at me?" He said as he tried, and failed, to spin the ball on his finger.

"Nah, I just wanted to see if you'd catch it. I'm throwing it, Valkyrie's getting hit on the head, and you're talking, also filming."

"Oh well, are we starting now?"

"Yep," Valkyrie said.

"Here you go, then. Nice hair, by the way." Fletcher passed the ball back to Tanith, then turned and caught Valkyrie's phone just after she threw it at him.

"Thanks," Tanith said.

They got in position. Fletcher trained the camera between Valkyrie and Tanith, who stood to the side, bouncing the ball impatiently.

"And," said Fletcher, drawing out the 'n', "action!"

As he started filming, he spoke, and turned the camera to Valkyrie.

"This kid's definitely on crack right now," he said.

When the camera was settled on Valkyrie, Tanith threw the ball, aiming for her head, and missing completely. Fletcher turned to Tanith, camera still rolling. Him and Valkyrie gave her disappointed looks, though they were both suppressing laughter.

"Sorry, guys," Tanith said.

* * *

Fletcher retrieved the ball and passed it back to Tanith with a "yeet."

They got back in position.

"Action!" Fletcher waited a moment to make sure he was filming, then said, "this kid's definitely on crack right now."

Tanith threw the ball at Valkyrie. It hit her forehead and deflected towards Fletcher. He yelped and teleported out of the ball's path. All the way to the doorstep. He watched the ball hit against Valkyrie's car and winced. He teleported back to Tanith and Valkyrie. Valkyrie stared at him with wide eyes.

"You're so lucky that didn't break my window or something," she said.

"Tanith's the one that threw the ball," Fletcher said, "I was just avoiding a concussion."

"I think she would prefer you having a concussion than her car breaking," Tanith said.

Valkyrie nodded, agreeing sympathetically.

"Whatever," Fletcher said offhandedly.

* * *

"This kid's definitely on crack right now," Fletcher said.

Tanith threw the ball at Valkyrie's head. When it hit her, she said,

"Yaa!"

The ball bounced off her head, and Tanith darted to catch it, then she threw it again, almost losing her balance but managing to stay upright.

The ball hit Valkyrie square in the face.

"Ya-oww!"

Valkyrie raised her hand to her face and let they let the ball bounce away. Tanith and Fletcher burst out laughing.

"Mother-crumbing…" Valkyrie stuttered for a moment, trying to find a good word to articulate her thoughts. Finally, she settled. "Fuck!"

Tanith was laughing too hard to speak, so Fletcher did so for her.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, thank you both for your concern," Valkyrie said, still rubbing her face.

"You're welcome," Tanith said after taking a breath. "Oh shit, your nose is bleeding."

Valkyrie looked at her hand. It was indeed wet with blood.

"Dammit," Valkyrie said, "either of you got a tissue?"

Fletcher teleported inside. A few moments later, he came back with a roll of kitchen paper, which he handed to Valkyrie.

"Thanks," she said, tearing a piece off and wiping her nose and chin.

"Okay, let's get back to it," Tanith said.

"My nose is still bleeding."

Tanith groaned. "Stupid blood," she said.

They waited. Valkyrie periodically took the tissue away from her nose to check if there was fresh blood. Tanith and Fletcher began playing catch.

* * *

Half an hour later Valkyrie's nose was dry, so they could resume filming.

"If you hit my nose again, I'm gonna return the favour," Valkyrie said.

"Fair deal," Tanith replied.

They got in position.

"Action!" Fletcher shouted.

Tanith threw the ball as Fletcher said his line. The ball bounced off Valkyrie's forehead.

"Yaa," Valkyrie said in a high-pitched voice, as she put on a strange-looking smile and narrowed her eyes slightly. The ball bounced back, Tanith caught it, and threw it back at Valkyrie with a lot of force.

"Yaa-aaa-aaaa!" Valkyrie screeched when the ball bounced off her head. She started to space out her feet but stopped when the ball hit her car.

The three of them looked around at the ball. It hadn't damaged the car, but it bounced off it, onto the driveway and into the trees surrounding the house. The ball vanished among the foliage.

"Shit," Tanith said.

Fletcher stopped filming.

"Don't worry, I'll get it," Tanith said. She leaped over the car and jogged into the trees. "I think I saw where it-!"

Tanith slipped sideways on a patch of mud, and fell to the ground with a wet thud. She, too, vanished from sight.

"I'm fine," her hand shot up from the grass, "I'm okay! It's okay!"

She stood up, brushed herself off, even though it didn't do much. Her clothes were covered in mud. She spun around, looking at the ground.

"Ah-ha," she said when she spotted the ball. She held it over her head. "I got it!"

Valkyrie and Fletcher held up their thumbs.

* * *

"Okay guys, we've got to get it right this time," Valkyrie said.

"Agreed," Tanith said, "even if it's just so that I can get changed."

"Okay, let's get ready then," Fletcher said.

They got in position.

"Action!" Fletcher began filming. "This kid's definitely on crack right now."

Tanith threw the ball. It bounced off Valkyrie's head.

"Yaa!"

Tanith caught the ball and swiftly chucked it back at Valkyrie's head. It bounced away.

"Yaa-aaa-aaaa!" Valkyrie took two steps as she screeched, separating her legs and squatting slightly.

"Cut!" Fletcher shouted. "Yay! We did it guys, wait, no. What? Fuck."

"No… Come on Fletcher, please tell us you're joking," Tanith pleaded.

"I wasn't recording. Sorry."

"Bloody hell, seriously?"

"No offense, Fletcher, but you're fired," said Tanith

"Yeah…" Fletcher agreed.

"Okay, let's do one more. If it doesn't work, we're taking a break for tea," Valkyrie said.

They got back in position.

"Okay, right. Okay, right. Okay, right. Okay, right. Okay, Action, let's go," Fletcher said, a little too enthusiastically. He pressed record, making sure it was actually filming. "This kid's definitely on crack right now," he said.

Tanith threw the ball. It hit Valkyrie's head.

"Yaa!"

Tanith didn't exactly catch the ball. She batted it with her hand, but it worked. It bounced off Valkyrie's forehead again.

"Yaa-aaa-aaaa!"

She did the strange squat-step thing and squinted her eyes slightly.

"Cut!" Fletcher said. "For real this time. It worked. Well done guys, I have to say you couldn't have done it without me."

Tanith and Valkyrie looked at him. Fletcher smiled.

"Only joking," he said, and vanished.

"Okay let's go inside, I'm covered in wet mud and it's cold."

"Wait a second," Valkyrie said, holding onto Tanith's arm.

"What?"

"Wait a second…"

Fletcher reappeared.

"I forgot to give you your phone," he said, handing it to her.

"Thank you," Valkyrie said.

Fletcher vanished again.

"Okay, we can go now," Valkyrie said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next some Italian music and some morph suits makes for some... entertaining circumstances. Featuring China Sorrows.
> 
> See Tanith caught a break! Instead this week was Valkyrie's turn to get beat.
> 
> Thank you to Patastroki over on fanfiction.net for the review. Every review means so much. Thank you for the request as well, it has been added to the list of vines :)
> 
> Also it has been five months and two days since we first stared posting The Vines of Valkyrie and Tanith so thank you to everyone who has read, commented, gave kudos or bookmarked this story.
> 
> Until next time, paalam


	22. We Speak No Americano

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by me

"Oooh, what's this one?" Tanith pointed to a thumbnail of two people in inflatable suits, one blue, one green.

"We Speak No Americano funny vine," Valkyrie clicked on it and let the video play.

"That one. We have to do that one," Tanith said from the floor. She'd toppled over in laughter at the end of the video.

"We have to," Valkyrie nodded.

"Riiight," Valkyrie switched over to a new tab. "In-flate-able morph-suits," Valkyrie said as she typed into the search bar.

The results loaded up in a second. Google had presented them a row of inflatable morph suits complete with prices.

"It's only twenty euros," Tanith said excitedly pointing at the first result.

"Ooh, but it's on Amazon," Valkyrie said, " I have mixed feelings about supporting Amazon right now."

"Ooh look, eBay for nineteen euros!" Tanith pointed to the second result.

"Sold!" Valkyrie clicked on the second result.

* * *

"Enjoy your day!" The young delivery man smiled at her as she handed him back the signature-computer-device-thing Valkyrie didn't know the exact name of.

"You too," Valkyrie waved at the man and picked up the box from where she'd set it at her feet. This was a box of wonders, containing the best thing in the world. Inflatable morphsuits. One blue. One green. One for her. One for Tanith.

Valkyrie whipped out her phone and called Tanith.

"Y'ello," Tanith answered.

"Tanith," Valkyrie whispered,"they arrived."

No response.

There was a clatter.

"Tanith? Tanith? Did you die of shock? Tanith? Taaannniiittthhh?" Valkyrie singsonged.

Tanith gave no sign of life from the other end of the phone.

Valkyrie shrugged and hung up and phoned China. They needed someone more sensible than Fletcher for this one. It would take long enough with her and Tanith laughing, they didn't need Fletcher joining them.

"Valkyrie," China said, "what is it this time?"

"We need you to help us film something," Valkyrie answered. "If you can?" she added quickly.

"When?" China asked.

"Well Tanith might he dead from shock so just come over whenever you're free. If Tanith turns up alive before you, I'll phone."

A man spoke in the background. Valkyrie didn't recognise the harsh accent. It was like Texan accent mixed with an Irish accent. It was not an attractive voice to listen to.

"Who's that?" Valkyrie asked.

"A library patron."

"Okay. See you later China. Oh bt-dubs we're at my house. Byee," Valkyrie ended the call. And sat. She let the silence build.

"I'm all alone," Valkyrie mused, "omg this is so sad, Alexa...play Despacito!"

Alexa beeped, "Playing Despacito."

Valkyrie tore into the box and pulled out the suits.

"Hmm. I ordered three," Valkyrie said allowed. She checked the invoice. The other one was to follow. What was the point int that? Just put them all in the same goddamn box.

Valkyrie wriggled into the suit pulling it up over her clothes. She zipped it up and turned it on. The green material expanded and inflated around her.

"Awesome."

* * *

There was a knock at the door and Valkyrie waddle-ran over in her inflated suit to answer it. Must be Tanith. Or China. She pulled it open.

"What's up motherfuck- oh hey mum," Valkyrie trailed off as she noticed it was not Tanith or China, but her mother.

Melissa Edgely stood on the doorstep, holding a bright pink bag and a pillow.

"I was expecting someone else…" Valkyrie began.

"Clearly," Melissa held out the bag and pillow, "this is the stuff Alice asked me to bring over." Valkyrie took it from her. Alice had begun stockpiling stuff at Valkyrie's; toys, and clothes. Said it was easier.

"Oh. Right. You want to come in?" Valkyrie offered.

"Oh no, you're … busy. I'll stop by on Sunday and see you," Melissa said. Valkyrie could see the pain on her face as she released her daughter had become just like her husband.

"Okay, bye mum!" Valkyrie closed the door and shouted through the house, "Xena, you're a useless guard dog."

* * *

"What's up motherlovers!" Tanith yelled out as she flung open Valkyrie's front door. "Tanith is in the house bitches!"

"Tanith!" Valkyrie cheered and struggled up from the couch in her suit. She charged towards the front door running the best she could.

"Tanith!" Valkyrie began running at Tanith.

"Valkyrie!" Tanith began running at Valkyrie.

Valkyrie kept running.

Tanith kept running.

Valkyrie slammed into Tanith.

Tanith slammed into Valkyrie.

Valkyrie went flying backwards.

Tanith went flying backwards.

Valkyrie landed heavily a few paces back.

Tanith landed heavily a few paces back.

"I'm okay," Valkyrie groaned.

"I'm okay," Tanith groaned.

"I don't care," China said from the doorway behind Tanith.

"Please tell me you were filming?" Valkyrie asked China.

"Why would I have been filming?" China asked.

"Tanith, we have to do that again."

Tanith moaned.

* * *

Tanith pulled her suit up and zipped it. She turned on the fan and her suit began inflating around her.

"This is awesome," Tanith said.

"I know right?" Valkyrie jumped up and down, "I ordered another one but it's coming separately."

"Ooh, what one?" Tanith asked excitedly.

"You'll see…" Valkyrie replied mysteriously.

* * *

"China you just stand there, play the music from my laptop and then start filming on my phone when I say," Valkyrie said, "don't stop filming until one of us says 'cut'."

China shrugged, "sure whatever."

"I have 'We No Speak Americano' set up at 43 seconds. You press play, then I'll say action at about 45 seconds. Then me and Tanith start dancing."

Valkyrie took her place beside Tanith.

China played the music.

_e di: "I love you!?"_

"Film!" Valkyrie said.

Valkyrie and Tanith began bouncing on their feet.

China began filming.

_Pa pa l'americano_

Valkyrie jumped up and kicked her right leg out violently. The sudden shift in weight send her falling backwards. She hit into the ground and bounced up as the suit absorbed the impact.

"Cut!" Tanith shouted.

"I'm a human trampoline!" Valkyrie said laughing.

"Awesome!" Tanith jumped up and threw herself on top Valkyrie. Tanith was bounced back onto the ground beside Valkyrie.

"I'm okay," Tanith moaned.

China stared.

"Sometimes I wonder how you two are still alive."

"Same," Valkyrie said cheerily.

* * *

_e di: "I love you!?"_

"Action!"

_Pa pa l'americano_

Valkyrie kicked out her leg and crossed it over her knee. She kicked out her other leg.

The doorbell rang. The ding echoed throughout the house causing Xena to start barking.

"Keep filming and follow me!" Valkyrie said excitedly and bounded over to the hallway.

"You're answering the door like that?" China asked.

"Yes. Now hurry up!"

Valkyrie pulled the door open.

An old man with a disgusting beard was standing holding a box.

He glared at her.

"Parcel for you," the man muttered.

Valkyrie took the box from him and grinned. "Thank you."

"I see you've found some manners," he grumbled and held out the thing for Valkyrie to sign.

"Hmm?"

"You insulted me and accused my dog of attacking your friend."

It was the old man from the park. He'd showered now. Valkyrie didn't recognise him out of that disgusting coat.

"Oh, you. Hi. Yeah, I had time to reflect after I found my friend's drowned corpse. It was a sad time. Good day," Valkyrie shut the door and turned to China.

"He said nothing about my costume…"

China lowered the phone.

"What's in your parcel?"

"It's a surprise."

Valkyrie bounced back off down the hall.

* * *

_e di: "I love you!?"_

"1,2,3 film!" Valkyrie said.

_Pa pa l'americano_

Valkyrie kicked her right leg out and then crossed it over her knee. She kicked her other leg out and crossed it over her knee. Valkyrie kicked her right leg out and crossed it over.

Wait, no, wrong move.

"Cut!" Valkyrie shouted.

"Really?" Tanith looked up at her from the ground.

"I crossed my leg over when I shouldn't have…"

"Tut, tut, tut," Tanith said.

* * *

_e di: "I love you!?"_

"Go!"

_Pa pa l'americano_

Valkyrie kicked her leg and crossed it over, then did the same with the other leg. She kicked her right leg out and then kicked it out again, and again.

"Cut!" Tanith shouted.

Valkyrie looked down. Tanith was lying as flat as her suit would let her.

"I fell," Tanith said.

Valkyrie laughed at her.

* * *

_e di: "I love you!?"_

"Film!"

_Pa pa l'americano_

Valkyrie kicked out her leg.

Tanith shimmeyed and fell backwards with an "oof."

Valkyrie burst out laughing.

Tanith spun around on her back and kicked Valkyrie's feet out from under her.

Valkyrie dropped to the ground, bouncing slightly.

"Welp," Valkyrie popped the 'p' sound, "cut!"

* * *

_e di: "I love you!?"_

"Film!"

_Pa pa l'americano_

Valkyrie kicked and crossed her legs, right leg then left leg, then kicked her right leg out three times while swinging her arms as she kicked her leg.

"Cut!" China said.

"Wait, what, why?" Tanith asked from the ground.

"There's something in the garden," China said.

Valkyrie's blood went cold.

She looked to Tanith and the two ran over to the door, squishing together as they wriggled through.

Valkyrie ran out through the front door and began hollering. Tanith hot on heels screaming and shrieking.

Valkyrie stopped. And stared.

A deer stood frozen staring at them.

"It's a deer. It's a deer," Valkyrie started laughing. Tanith laughed.

China emerged from the house after watching Valkyrie and Tanith fall to the ground in laughter as the deer ran away.

* * *

_e di: "I love you!?"_

"Film!"

_Pa pa l'americano_

Valkyrie began to dance.

Valkyrie jumped up and kicked her right leg up, keeping her arms at her side. She bounced on the balls of her feet and kicked her leg up again, crossing it over her left knee. She bounced again and lifted her left leg up, crossing it over her right knee.

She straightened out her left leg, kicking it up. She bounced again and kicked her right leg across her left knee. She kicked her right leg out straight. Once. Twice. Three times. She moved her arms, swinging them forward as she kicked her leg out, moving them back as she brought her leg back in.

She switched legs, kicking her left leg over her right knee. She switched back to her right leg and crossed it over her left knee.

* * *

_Pa pa l'americano_

Tanith bounced up and down, looking away to the side. She turned her head to face China. When the singing began Tanith looked looked straight ahead.

She shimmied slightly and lowered herself to the ground. She placed her right hand on the ground and lifted her feet up. She placed her other hand on the ground and kicked out her right leg. Then her left leg. Right. Left.

Her body bounced to the right so she was no longer facing straight ahead, but to the wall. She kicked up both her legs and went backwards, lying like a stuck sheep with her legs in the air.

* * *

"Well that only took seven takes," China said.

"I thought it would take longer, like 'Fuck This Shit I'm Out' long," Valkyrie said.

"That one took ages," Tanith said.

"Was that one as ridiculous as this?" China asked.

"Tanith had to skate down a railing and then leap into the river," Valkyrie replied, "you know that old guy that came to the door? He features in one of those videos. I'll show you later."

"Show her now," Tanith said.

"I have something to do first," Valkyrie said and bounded off.

* * *

A rolling drumbeat thumped through the house.

_Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!_

"What is that music?" China asked.

"Oh. My. Gods," Tanith's smiled grew wider with each word.

"What?"

_There lived a certain man, in Russia long ago. He was big and strong and his eyes a flaming glow._

"Look," Tanith pointed outside.

_Most people looked at him, with terror and with fear, but to Moscow chicks he was such a lovely dear._

Through the window they could clearly see the driveway at the front.

_He could preach the bible like a preacher, full of ecstasy and fire._

Valkyrie was in an inflatable T-Rex costume in the driveway. Dancing.

_But he also was the kind of teacher women would desire_

"What is she doing?" China asked.

_Ra ra rasputin!_

"Lover of the Russian Queen!" Tanith sang, "there was a cat that really was gone!"

Tanith mirrored the dance Valkyrie was doing, switching from one leg to the other, stopping every so often to shake her hip.

"Ra ra Rasputin Russia's greatest love machine! It was a shame how he carried oooonnnnnn!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next, Tanith and a slippy slope makes for a good evening of filming a vine..
> 
> So I want an inflatable morph suit now. I'm thinking one of those T-Rex ones... They're not too expensive online.
> 
> The Rasputin dance is the dance from Just Dance.
> 
> Shoutout goes to - no one.
> 
> If you have any requests send them in, if you know any of languages used in the goodbye send them in.
> 
> Here's the link for this vine add it after youtube dot com - /fKlXhvD4kmg
> 
> Until next time, la revedere


	23. Good Evening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by Kenrick MNP

It was a cold, dark night in Dublin, and dangerous for any sane person who didn't have the patience to deal with Tanith and Valkyrie.

"It's strangely quiet out here," Valkyrie commented.

"That's because most normal people are inside where it's warm," replied Tanith, whose teeth were chattering.

"Cowards," Valkyrie said, "weaklings; peasants. They should buy a scarf if it's so cold."

"It is cold. I'm wearing clothes made by Ghastly and I can feel the chill. I seriously don't understand how you don't."

"Well, young Tanith. I have a technique. The temperature may be low, but if you tell yourself it's not cold, you won't feel it. Just keep thinking to yourself, I'm warm. I'm toasty, then you'll be fine. It's all psychological."

"Really?" Tanith asked, intrigued, "does that work?"

"Not at all, I'm fucking freezing. Pretty sure the snotters have turned to icicles in my nose. We really should've picked a better night for this."

"Yup. Do you want to head back to the car?"

"No. We've come this far," Valkyrie said, "if Sam can carry Frodo up Mount Doom, then we can film a Vine in the cold."

Tanith groaned, and her breath puffed out in front of her. The vine they were filming needed a slope, and they didn't know exactly where one was, so they were looking around for a slippy one. So far, it was unsuccessful.

They continued down the street. Some puddles by the side of the road were frozen, as were patches of the pavements, so they checked every alley that they passed for slopes that might have ice.

They passed a group of young men, barely more than teenagers. One of them sniffed loudly, then spat out a lump of phlegm.

"That's just lovely, isn't it?" Tanith said to Valkyrie.

"Wassat?" The phlegm guy said, stopping and turning but not walking closer.

"I said 'that's just lovely, isn't it?'" Tanith said, also turning.

"What?" asked the man, squinting as if it were his eyes not working, instead of his ears.

"I said, 'THAT'S JUST LOVELY, ISN'T IT?'"

"Eh?" the phlegm guy turned to one of his peers, "what's she say?"

"I dunno, I wasn't listening," the second man said. He looked at Tanith. "What'd you say?"

Tanith looked at Valkyrie, who shrugged with a raised eyebrow.

"Never mind!" Tanith shouted.

The group looked at each other, perplexed, and continued along the street.

"People are so strange," Valkyrie said.

"I know, right? Ooh! Down here," Tanith charged down an alley. About halfway down the length of the building which towered over them casting a dark shadow, the path sloped suddenly. As Tanith hurried down the path she continued speaking. "The ground's sparkly here, I think it's slippery enough to-" then she skidded on a patch of black ice. She stopped, and steadied herself, then slowly turned to Valkyrie with wide eyes. "Holy shit," she said. "I saw my life flash before my eyes. It was so depressing. This is definetly slippery enough for us to use.

Valkyrie followed Tanith, stepping carefully on the least shiny parts of the ground, so that she didn't step on a patch of hidden ice.

"Try sliding down," Tanith said.

Valkyrie looked at her.

"I value my life too much for that."

"Since when do you value your life?" Tanith asked, "come on, don't be a coward."

Valkyrie sighed. "Fine," she said.

Valkyrie took a few steps back, then launched herself forward. When she reached the slope, she let herself slide, and had a vision of herself gliding down it gracefully, her hair flying behind her, hands outward for balance, then stopping at the bottom of the slope with a smirk after the successful stunt.

That didn't happen. Instead, her feet flew out from beneath her, and she caught the wall which was decorated with crude spray-paint, then slumped down, her face landing in grimy moss.

Valkyrie pushed herself up, then slipped again.

"Little help?" she said, looking up at Tanith, who had a greatly amused look on her face.

"I think you're doing fine on your own."

Valkyrie desperately waved her hand in the air. "Please," she said, offering a smile despite the sharp coldness in her face.

"Since you said please," Tanith said, stepping forward and taking hold of Valkyrie's hand.

She pulled, then her feet flew from beneath her, and she joined Valkyrie on the ground.

"Nice view from down here," Tanith said.

"Uh-huh."

Valkyrie rolled onto her stomach, and pushed herself up, scrambling on the ice for a moment before finding a clear part of the ground to stand up on.

Slowly and in the most humiliating ways (if anyone other than Valkyrie had seen her), Tanith also got up.

"That was an adventure," she said.

"That's one word for it," Valkyrie replied. "So, which one of us is going to slide down for the Vine? I suggest you"

"Funny, I was going to suggest you."

"You're better at skating," Valkyrie argued, "in general you're more graceful than me."

Tanith looked at the icy slope, a tight-lipped smile slowly getting bigger on her face, until finally, she said, "okay I'll do it."

"Yay! You're the best. Second, no, third best."

"What?" Tanith said, looking at Valkyrie with open mouthed, wide eyed shock on her face.

"Maybe second," Valkyrie said.

"I don't even want to talk to you anymore," Tanith said, folding her arms, and looking away, putting on her pouty face.

"Okay then, you big baby. How about I do the vine on my own, and you can go to the car and wrap yourself in a blankie. With a bottle. Because you're a baby. You big baby."

Tanith looked back to Valkyrie.

"You're a baby," Valkyrie said once last time.

"You're a baby," Tanith retorted.

They both began giggling.

"Okay, we should get this done before our joints freeze in place," Valkyrie said.

"Yeah, you're right. Let's go!" Tanith charged up the slope, and to Valkyrie's surprise she almost got to the top. One leap would have brought Tanith to safety, but she didn't make it. Her foot skidded from beneath her, and she crashed to the ground. She clawed at the path to stay where she was, but her leather clothes caused her to slide down the slope easily.

"Well done," Valkyrie said.

"Thank you," Tanith replied in a muffled voice from the ground. She got up, gripping Valkyrie's arm to avoid falling before she was up, then attempted the slope once more.

This time, instead of rushing up, she took her time, walking on the parts of the ground that had moss or broken glass for grip beneath her feet. When she was at the top, Valkyrie took out her phone and opened the camera.

"Can you hear me?" Tanith called, as she put her hood up.

"Yes. You don't need to shout, I'm like…" Valkyrie paused and looked at the ground, "seven feet away from you," she concluded.

"Did you seriously bother to think about that?"

"Yes," Valkyrie defended.

"Nerd."

"Shut up, are you ready?"

"Yep," Tanith said cheerily despite the cold.

"Okay… action!"

Tanith ran forward, heading toward the slope, but she slipped just as she got there.

"Oh crap!" Tanith cried as she slid to the ground. She slid down the slope on her butt and almost crashed into Valkyrie, who filmed the whole thing.

Tanith and Valkyrie shared disappointed looks.

* * *

"Don't run as fast this time," Valkyrie said.

"Yes, thank you, I figured that out," replied Tanith from the top of the slope.

"Action!"

Tanith jogged forward, clearly frightened of falling again. She didn't, though. She got to the slope and hopped instead of running the last part, then she slid down the slope as if she were riding a snowboard. When she reached the bottom, she jogged the last part and went right up to the camera, then said,

"Good evening."

Valkyrie stopped recording.

"Good, but you need to look more casual when you're sliding down. You can tell you were expecting to slip," said Valkyrie.

"Precisely. I am expecting to slip, and I want to prevent that."

"Still, you were doing the arm thing, and crouching slightly, y'know, all Tony Hawk skateboardy."

Valkyrie mimicked the movements she was describing.

"I guess I see what you mean. Let's do it again," Tanith said as she spun around.

* * *

"Go!" Valkyrie said as she started recording.

Tanith jogged forward, trying her hardest to look casual, then hopped onto the slope, and slid down, trying to keep herself straight rather than crouching as Valkyrie had demonstrated. Unfortunately, she failed. Just as she got to the bottom of the slope and prepared herself to speak, her left foot lost its placement, and slid across the path. To keep from falling, she spun around, moving with the flow of the ice, then once she was semi-back on track, as she tried to regain her balance, she tripped on a stone that stuck stubbornly up from the path. She crashed into Valkyrie and they went sprawling.

"Ow," Valkyrie said.

"You okay?" Tanith rubbed her forehead. She had bashed it on Valkyrie's shoulder.

"Am I okay? Who cares about that. Is my phone okay?"

Valkyrie reached out to pick up her phone. It had landed within arm's reach.

"Noooo!" Valkyrie cried.

"What? Is it broken?" Tanith asked in a panic.

"It's cracked," sobbed Valkyrie.

"Oh fuck. Does it still work?"

"Yes, but it's cracked."

Tanith stood up, "it could be worse. At least it still works."

"But it's cracked."

"Move on," Tanith said. "Come on, I've lost feeling in my nose, I want to film this vine."

"It's cracked," Valkyrie grumbled, but stood up and waited for Tanith to climb the slope.

* * *

"Action," Valkyrie said. The enthusiasm was still there, but the flair she normally said it with had hidden away somewhere.

Tanith jogged forward, and before she even reached the slope, she slipped and slid to the ground.

Valkyrie laughed at her.

* * *

Tanith ran forward, then hopped onto the slope. She slid down with relaxed grace, and when she reached the bottom, she stumbled towards the camera then said,

"Good-" and she laughed.

"We almost had it!" Valkyrie cried.

"I'm sorry, I lost it, I'm sorry."

* * *

Tanith ran towards the slope, and stepped onto the slope, then slid down it, facing forward and keeping eye contact with the camera surprisingly successfully.

"Good evening," she said, when she reached the bottom.

Valkyrie stopped recording.

"Yes!" she cheered, "we got it, bitches."

Tanith went for a high five, Valkyrie for a fist-bump. What resulted was a disappointingly dull slap. They looked at each other for a moment.

"Should we go back to the car now?"

"Yeah that'd be good," Tanith said, and they left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next Valkyrie and Tanith take a little holiday to visit Saracen in Portugal when a vine opportunity presents itself in the form of Saracen, Dexter and a hot tub.
> 
> You know the drill, requests, language, shout out etc
> 
> Until next time, さようなら Sayōnara


	24. Two Bros

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by me.

"Tanith. Tanith. Tanith. Tanith," Valkyrie poked Tanith's side each time she said her name.

"Tanith."

Poke.

"Tanith."

Poke.

"Tanith."

Poke.

"Tanith."

Tanith had fallen asleep less than a twenty minutes into the last part of the flight, a two hour flight from Lisbon to Funchal on the island of Madeira, 972 km of the coast of Portugal.

And the location of Saracen's new house.

Their plane first left Dublin over nine hours ago, before nine in the morning. Now two flights later finally their destination was in sight. The first flight was a two hour flight to Frankfurt, Germany, followed by a three hour flight to Lisbon, with a two hour stop over in Frankfurt in between. Tanith plus boredom plus coffee plus stuck in an airport for two hours equals chaos.

Tanith had insulted a German woman and three Italian man, flirted with two French women and an American person, (despite Valkyrie reminding her that she had a boyfriend.) Tanith eventually gave up and created an army of Austrian children. All within the first forty five minutes.

The two hour stop over in Lisbon before the final flight had been slightly less eventful, Tanith only insulted one person, didn't bother flirting, and her army of children (Scottish children this time) was half the size of her Austrian army. The plane had been delayed by half an hour, allowing Tanith more time to march her army around the waiting area, but now Funchal was in sight.

Valkyrie could see the city spread out below and the sea off the side. It was beautiful. Before arriving at Lisbon Valkyrie had never been to Portugal before. It was an amazing country, and Madeira looked so … beautiful.

And Tanith was still sleeping. The shortest flight and Tanith slept. Valkyrie took advantage of their longest flight to Lisbon and slept then.

Valkyrie put her mouth to Tanith's ear and let out a high pitched squeak. Tanith sat bolt upright and looked to Valkyrie, wide eyed.

"What the fuck?" Tanith asked sleepily.

"You weren't waking up," Valkyrie said innocently.

Tanith glared at Valkyrie.

"You once woke me up by turning my volume up to 100 when I had earplugs in," Valkyrie defended.

"Oh yeah," Tanith shrugged, "Payback's a bitch I guess."

* * *

"Hey Tanith?" Valkyrie asked.

"Yas?" Tanith replied, hoisting her overstuffed bag off the conveyor belt and onto the ground.

"You got a coin?" Valkyrie asked, "I want to surf on one of the luggage trolleys."

Tanith grinned and produced a coin from her handbag.

"Surf's up mother fluffers," Tanith said.

* * *

"Watch out!" Valkyrie yelled as Tanith steered them through the airport. Valkyrie sat on top of their cases, holding onto the bottom of the trolley while Tanith was on the back, alternating between running to gain momentum and standing on the back, gliding along with the trolley.

"Move out the way!" Valkyrie yelled.

People darted to the left. People darted to the right. People shook their firsts. People stuck up their middle fingers. People shouted.

"Look out ahead!" Tanith shouted.

A man leaped to the right and shouted something at them in Portuguese.

"He called us crazy lunatics," Tanith informed Valkyrie.

"You speak Portuguese?"

"That I do, afastar-se!" Tanith shouted. "I have no idea if I used the right word there," she added.

"What were you trying to say?"

"Move, but there's different ways to say it. Afastar-se! Afastar-se!"

A woman in high-vis approached holding out her hand.

They skated onwards.

" _Parar!_  Stop!" A man in the high-vis shouted at them.

"Run Tanith run!" Valkyrie yelled.

Tanith hopped down from the back and ran as fast as she could.

"Stop!" Another man shouted.

"They've caught us. We had a good run Tanith," Valkyrie said.

"It's been a privilege knowing you," Tanith said.

People in high vis surrounded them.

"Tanith, tell them we come in peace."

"Estamos nabos!"

"Are you aware you just said "we are turnips"?" One of the men asked, a short one with a bushy beard.

"You are turnips?" Valkyrie asked.

"No, 'we are turnips'," the man to the left said.

"Did you hear that Tanith? They said they're turnips," Valkyrie said.

Tanith gave a laugh.

"Get down off the trolley," the man to the right instructed.

"What if I say no?" Valkyrie asked.

"Say it and find out," Tanith whispered.

"Okay," Valkyrie whispered.

"I have to say no," Valkyrie said.

* * *

Three hours later they reached Saracen's new house, complete with ocean views and a view out over the city.

"Welcome to mi casa!" Saracen welcomed them in, arms wide.

"Saracen!" Tanith cheered, ignored that Saracen spoke Spanish instead of Portuguese, and stepped in to hug him.

"Sorry we took so long, we got stopped by airport security for trolley gliding through the airport," Valkyrie said leaning back on her suitcase.

"So did we," Saracen said excitedly letting go of Tanith.

Tanith stepped back.

"We?" Valkyrie asked.

"Dexter's here too," Saracen said.

"Ooh," Tanith winked at Saracen.

"Not like that," Saracen said.

Tanith raised her eyebrow.

"Okay maybe like that," Saracen admitted.

"I knew it," Tanith grinned.

"What's going on?" Valkyrie asked.

"Saracen and Dexter are together," Tanith replied.

"Congratulations," Valkyrie said.

"Thank you," Saracen nodded, "now get your butts in here and let's start this party!"

Tanith and Valkyrie followed him into the house.

"Tanith! Valkyrie! Welcome to la home of Saracen Rue! It's massive and we have beer, feel free to stay as long as you want!" Dexter greeted them.

"Dex!" Valkyrie and Tanith cheered.

* * *

"When do the others get here?" Dexter asked, setting down two glasses of lemonade in front of Tanith and Valkyrie.

"Skulduggery is busy with a top secret case so secret only he can know about it so he's flying out in two days, Ghastly said he'd wait and go with him then, Ravel's going with them too," Valkyrie said.

"Anton is either midnight tonight, midday tomorrow or midnight tomorrow," Tanith said.

"Larrikin's coming with Anton. He called yesterday and said he was hitching a ride with the hotel. Didn't say when they'd arrive though…" Saracen came into the living room carrying another two glasses. He set one in front of Dexter and kept one for himself.

"I've never met Larrikin before," Valkyrie said, "what's he like?"

"He's a little crazy, and lacks impulse control. He also has the curliest ginger hair you will ever see and more freckles than humanly possible for a single person. But he's good craic. Especially when he's drunk," Saracen said.

"Can we get drunk?" Tanith asked.

"My fridges are all filled so you may get as drunk as you want so because I can't drink it all myself," Saracen replied.

Tanith cheered.

"You guys want the tour?" Saracen asked.

"Hell yeah," Valkyrie said.

"What she said," Tanith pointed to Valkyrie.

Saracen set down his glass and picked up Tanith's bag.

"Bloody hell that's heavy. What have you got in here?" Saracen set the bag down and pulled out the handle.

"Dexter asked me to bring over a bunch of stuff. About half of that is his," Tanith explained pointing to Dexter.

"That is true," Dexter admitted.

Saracen shook his head.

"You two have the first room upstairs," Saracen said to Valkyrie and Tanith, "there's five bedrooms in total. You two are sharing one of the rooms with an en suite, me and Dexter have the other en suite room, then Ghastly, Anton, Larrikin and Ravel can sort themselves out amongst the other three rooms. Skulduggery doesn't need a room so he can have the sitting room."

"How about we get separate rooms and then the rest of the Dead Men share?" Valkyrie

"There are certain combinations in the Dead Men that need to be kept seperate," Saracen said hesitantly, "it's a safety thing. For example if Anton and Erskine have to share a room, Erskine will end up dead."

"He talks until he falls asleep," Dexter explained. "He tells all these interesting stories that I always fall asleep when he telling. It's like live action ASMR."

"Unfortunately Anton doesn't see it that way. He tolerates it up until he doesn't," Saracen began.

"Then Erskine has a limited time left to live," Dexter finished.

"Aww look at you two, finishing each other's sentences," Tanith teased.

"And sandwiches," Dexter said.

"You stole my sandwich," Saracen pouted, "it was a good sandwich too."

"It was," Dexter agreed.

* * *

Saracen lead them out to the back of the house. A neat trimmed garden with a wooden decking chair and a hot tub.

"You have a hot tub," Valkyrie said.

"I have a hot tub," Saracen said.

"Tanith! We have our vine," Valkyrie announced.

"You guys are still doing that?" Saracen asked.

"Yup. We've done about twenty now. We've even gotten Anton and Skulduggery to star in some of them, and China helped up with a couple. And Fletcher is usually our go to camera man."

"You got Anton Shudder and China Sorrows to help film vines? Which ones?"

"Anton had the role of the dad in the "Good Kush" and China was filming one where we dressed up in inflatable morphsuits and danced to "we speak no Americano", she also offered some assistance when we did the one with the guy headbanging to Nickelback while holding a flame thrower made from hairspray," Valkyrie said.

"Who held the flame thrower?" Dexter asked.

"Tanith," Valkyrie replied.

"That's why my hair's short. I set it on fire," Tanith said, grinning ear to ear.

"As you do," Dexter said.

"It was fun," Tanith said.

* * *

Valkyrie knocked on Saracen's bedroom door.

"You two nearly ready? We're shooting in five," Valkyrie said.

Dexter opened the door in his swimming trunks and dressing gown.

"I'm ready. Saracen will just be a second. He had a wardrobe malfunction," Dexter.

"Right. Saracen, we'll meet you down at the hot tub," Valkyrie called out.

Saracen made a noise that sounded vaguely like yes.

"Me and Tanith will be in the window, you wait at the hot tub for Saracen," Valkyrie instructed.

"You take this very seriously," Dexter remarked.

"That I do," Valkyrie said.

* * *

"You two ready?" Tanith shouted down.

"Yeah," Dexter shouted up. Saracen, now ready and dressed in his swimming trunks, stuck up his thumb.

"Get in the hot tub," Tanith instructed.

Valkyrie looked down on Dexter and Saracen, each now sitting on opposite ends of the hot tub.

"Action!" Tanith shouted.

Valkyrie started filming, zooming in on each word as Tanith spoke.

"Two bros, chillin' in a hot tub," Tanith singsonged, "five feet apart cause they're not gay."

"But we are though," Saracen shouted up.

"Technically we're both bi," Dexter shouted.

"Cut!" Valkyrie yelled.

"Sorry, I couldn't resist!" Saracen shouted.

Valkyrie adopted a displeased face and shook her head.

"She's doing her displeased face, if you can't see," Tanith shouted down helpfully.

A middle aged man in nothing but shorts showing off a flabby, hairy torso leaned out of his upstairs window.

"Can everyone stop shouting?" the man yelled.

"Sorry!" Saracen shouted back.

"What?" the man shouted.

"I said sorry!"

"Okay!" the man shut his window and disappeared into his house.

* * *

"Action!" Tanith shouted.

Valkyrie began filming.

Saracen and Dexter sat at opposite ends of the hot tub.

The man opened his window again.

"I told you to stop shouting!" the man shouted. He continued shouting down at them in Portuguese before slamming his window shut and shattering the glass. He shouted more, still in Portuguese, pointing angrily and turning very, very red in the face. He threw up his hands and disappeared off inside.

"Two bros chilling in a hot tub, five feet apart cause they're not gay," Tanith singsonged.

Valkyrie stopped filming.

* * *

"Action!" Tanith shouted.

Valkyrie began filming. The man had been and gone, shouting something about getting his window replaced.

"Two bros chillin in a hot tub," Tanith sang, "five feet apart cause they're not gay."

Valkyrie stopped filming.

"That's a wrap folks!" Tanith shouted down.

Dexter stuck up his thumb.

"There's broken glass in my garden," Saracen said.

* * *

The Dead Men arrived in small groups across the next few days, Anton and Larrikin arriving the day after Valkyrie and Tanith, and Skulduggery, Ghastly and Erskine the day after that.

Larrikin was sunny and cheerful with crazy ginger hair and a face packed with freckles. His long, almost gangly legs were excellent at doing the cancan, as a drunk Valkyrie found out while dancing to "Chelsea Dagger" by the Fratellis.

"Duh duh duh duh da da da da da da!"

"Imma jump in the hottub!" Larrikin yelled breaking away from Valkyrie and Ghastly ,who he wrapped his arms around.

"Go Larrikin!" Saracen cheered him on, "everyone cheer for Larrikin!"

A collection of cheers rose up.

"Have you thought this through?" Skulduggery asked.

"Nope," Larrikin charged and leaped into the water with a splash and a thud.

"Oww."

* * *

It was a night before Christmas, some time in December and all through the house, only one creature was stirring; a drunk man named Erskine Ravel.

He lay in bed talking to Ghastly, talking about the time he got stuck in a shopping trolley outside Tesco and as it rolled away (with Erskine inside yelling for someone help and that he was going to die) ex-Grand Mage Meritorious walked passed.

"Shut the fuck up!" Larrikin yelled from next door.

"Yes," Erskine said.

Ghastly closed his eyes and settled to sleep. Even as he hovered on the edge of sleep he could Erskine whispering away to himself, something about ducks.

* * *

Tanith was woken, hungover and groggy by Valkyrie striding through the house clanging two oven trays together loudly mimicking a trumpet.

"Wah wah!"

_Clang._

"Wah wah!"

_Clang._

A door was opened somewhere down the hall.

"I didn't get no sleep," clang, "cause of y'all," clang, "y'all not no gonna get no sleep," clang, "cause of me!"

"Shut the fuck up!" Larrikin yelled out.

Valkyrie burst out laughing.

Tanith emerged from the room ten minutes later to find Valkyrie on the floor, rolling in silent laughter, two trays lying beside her.

* * *

Valkyrie looked around the sitting room of Grimwood. It was perfect. The tree was up, the baubles were hung, the lights were strung, the giant reindeer was up in the garden covered in a fine coating of snow.

The snow they'd returned to two days ago, was a far cry from the sun they'd left in Madeira.

"Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way," Tanith sang as she danced into the room, holding two beer mugs filled to the brim with something.

"How much did you spill?" Valkyrie asked.

"None," Tanith grinned and removed two lids from the glasses.

Valkyrie took a mug from Tanith and sipped it. Warm. Hint of spice. Christmassy. Non-alcoholic.

"Non-alcoholic?" Valkyrie asked.

"Kid friendly for when you're parents come round tonight. Also this place looks great!"

"I know right! We've been back for two days, Christmas is tomorrow but finally the decorations are up!" Valkyrie grinned.

"I love Christmas," Tanith said.

"Hey Tanith?" Valkyrie asked, staring at the tree.

"Yeah?"

"Ask me what kind of tree I have," Valkyrie said.

"Tomorrow," Tanith said, "A Christmas vine on Christmas."

"Perfect."

Valkyrie drifted off to sleep that night not long after her parents and Alice had left, to the sound of Tanith singing Silent Night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the link to Saracen's house
> 
> w w w . rightmove . c o . u k (/) overseas-property (/) property (-) 77325500. h t m l
> 
> (Just remove all the spaces and the brackets, I had to format it like that because fanfiction dot net is weird about letting you save web addresses)
> 
> It's for sale right now if anyone has a spare €1,200,000/ £1,061,494.67 GBP/ $1,361,100.00 USD/ $1,881,000 AUD / ₩1285.67 KWN / ¥ 9,457,603.35 CYN / $1802028.34 CAD / $2,007,418.33 NZD / R 18,863,212.68 ZAR / 153,768,000 JPY/ CHF 1,357,227.67 / 244,569,253.50 LKR / $10651288.05 HKD.
> 
> Yes that is all the currencies of the countries our readers are from, as of the 24th of November, when this was written. By the time this is posted it will be the 19th of December.
> 
> The trolley thing Erskine was talking about happened to my friend. She was sitting happily in the trolley then it started moving. She said something along the lines "Oh my god I'm moving. I'm gonna die. Help! No guys seriously help!" as our history teacher walked past. When he walked past us going into Tesco she was standing with her foot stuck in the trolley...
> 
> The bit at the end "I didn't get no sleep cause of y'all" - here's the link for the full version
> 
> watch?v=EehaFxD7XKY (add it after youtube dot com /)
> 
> and this is the remix
> 
> watch?v=YvWMfpop334
> 
> So there is no shoutouts this week so instead I hope everyone is having a good holiday season.
> 
> If you know the language used below send it in to get featured in next week's shout out.
> 
> Until next time, goodbye. (That seems so formal typed out...)


	25. Ask Me What Kind of Tree I Have

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by me

"It's Christmas!" Valkyrie shouted, "Alexa play 'Merry Christmas Everyone' by Slade!"

Alexa beeped. "Playing 'Merry Christmas Everyone' by Slade."

Valkyrie sang along as she hopped out of bed and shoved her feet into her slippers.

"Are you hanging up your stocking on your wall?"

_Are you hanging up your stocking on your wall?_

"It's the time when every Santa has a ball!"

_It's the time when every Santa has a ball_

"Tanith! It's Christmas!" Valkyrie ran through the house, past the room that was essentially Tanith's by this point. Valkyrie reached the end of the hallway, turned around and ran back up the hallway.

_Does he ride a red nosed reindeer? Does a ton up on his sleigh?_

_Do the fairies keep him sober for a day?_

"Yaaaaasss!" Tanith yelled out from the room, "I freakin love Christmas!"

"Same!"

Tanith burst out of 'her' room singing along to the music playing throughout the house over the various speakers.

"So here it is, Merry Christmas, everybody's having fuuuuuunnnn!"

Valkyrie joined in.

"Look to the future now it's only just begguuuuu-uuuuu-uuun!"

* * *

Wrapping paper lay like autumn leaves scattered in every possible direction, courtesy of Tanith, and when he arrived, Larrikin. The entire Dead Men "squad" , as Valkyrie kept calling them, had been invited over, as had China. Valkyrie's parents were away with Alice over the Christmas break, so Tanith ordered that Valkyrie invite everyone over and have a party.

The Dead Men had arrived in small groups throughout the morning; Saracen and Dexter arriving first in matching Christmas jumpers (Valkyrie's dress code was Christmas jumpers only) bearing gifts and enough trifle for twenty people, and filled with enough sherry to get every one of those twenty people drunk enough to climb a lampost. Anton arrived after them, an entire Christmas dinner packed into his car and Christmas presents for everyone.

It was an hour after Anton arrived that Larrikin turned up, dragging Ravel behind him. Skulduggery and Ghastly arrived not long after.

"Where's China?" Valkyrie asked Skulduggery, "I invited her last week."

"Busy," Skulduggery said, "she sends her good wishes and a bottle of wine."

"Where's the wine?" Tanith called out from the kitchen.

"I left it at home," Skulduggery admitted.

"Evil bastard," Tanith said.

"Merry Christmas to you too," Skulduggery called back.

* * *

Skulduggery sat proudly in his newest jumper, a knitted one decorated in pairs of reindeers with pink hearts floating above them.

"Did you know that only female reindeer have antlers at Christmas time?" Tanith asked.

"I did not," Skulduggery said.

"All your reindeer have antlers, therefore all your reindeer are female."

"You're wearing a gay jumper," Dexter said.

"Ooh- do you have a rainbow knitted jumper?" Larrikin asked excitedly.

"I do not sadly."

"You do now, Merry Christmas!" Larrikin handed over a parcel in black paper.

"Thank you," Skulduggery said seriously.

Larrikin grinned broadly and slung his arm around Anton's shoulder.

Anton tipped the last mouthful of his wine into his mouth and set the glass on the table.

"I can get him drunk," Larrikin beamed.

* * *

"Tanith?" Valkyrie said.

"Yeah?" Tanith said.

"Ask me what kind of tree I have."

"It is time," Tanith said.

"Time for what?" Shudder asked.

"A vine."

"Everybody, clear the couch. Dexter get off Saracen, Larrikin let go of Anton, Erskine stop hugging Ghastly, etc, etc!" Tanith instructed.

Dexter had draped himself over Saracen like a cat. Larrikin had attached himself to Anton's legs as the man tried to walk through to the kitchen. Larrikin was dragged behind him, cheering and laughing. Erskine had taken one too many glasses of whatever it was Saracen had brought and decided Ghastly was the nicest thing to hug, after Valkyrie refused to let Xena through to the sitting room.

Dexter groaned over-dramatically and rolled to the side, falling off the couch.

"You're good there," Tanith said.

Larrikin was dragged off into the kitchen.

"Larrikin's out the way, Erskine Ravel, release Ghastly!" Tanith demanded.

"Fine," Ravel sighed and sat next to Skulduggery on the other couch and wrapped his arms around the boney torso of the skeleton. Ghastly got up and went off through to the kitchen, where Larrikin could be heard laughing. The kitchen door shut and Larrikin was cut off.

"Hug," Ravel said burying his face into Skulduggery's jumper.

"Get him off me," Skulduggery said.

"Just keep him there until we've done this," Valkyrie said.

"You owe me."

"No I don't. Tanith, get your arse on the couch."

Tanith flopped down onto the couch.

"Everyone, silence!" Valkyrie demanded, "filming in 3,2,1."

Valkyrie began filming.

"Tanith ask me what kind of tree I have," Valkyrie said.

"No."

"Tanith ask me what kind of tree I have."

"No."

"Just, Tanith, ask me what kind of a tree I have."

"What kind of tr-"

"It's a Chris Pine."

Valkyrie zoomed in on the picture of the Chris Pine she'd stuck up on the tree and stopped filming.

"How long has that been on the tree?" Saracen asked.

"Last night ," Valkyrie said, "we only put the tree up then."

"You left it until Christmas  _Eve_  to put your tree up?" Ravel asked.

"Well we got back from Saracen's on the 23rd," Valkyrie defended.

"You could've put it up before you left," Dexter said.

"Yeah. That would've made sense…" Valkyrie said, "oh well." Valkyrie paused and took a deep breath, "Anton! It's safe to bring back Larrikin!"

"Larrikin's dead, it's fine!" Ghastly called back.

"Let's party!" Tanith cheered.

"Alexa play "All Alone At Christmas" by Darlene Love!" Valkyrie said.

_The cold wind is blowin' and the streets are getting dark I'm writing you a letter and I don't know where to start…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's short but it's Christmassy. Up next... wait and see...
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the surprise Christmas update and Jappy Holidays to every one of our readers!
> 
> Shoutout goes to Moonfrost497 over on fanfiction.net for leaving a review with last week's language which was English.
> 
> It was weird seeing 'goodbye' typed out, usually I have it in another language. It seems so formal typed out in English.
> 
> Thank you so much to Patastroki on fanfiction,net for the review. Your continued support means so much to both of us. We've added your suggestion to the list, along with the other suggestion you gave us a while back that we haven't posted yet. Both will be up in the new year :)
> 
> In answer your question, the bad guys are alive in this timeline but probably won't make an appearance, unless we get any requests for them to show up. I'm thinking Sanguine might turn up at some point though.
> 
> Until next time, Happy Holidays everyone!


	26. Merry Chrysler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by KenrickMNP

It was late.

Saracen, Dexter, Larrikin, and even Anton had all fallen asleep in a drunk bundle of ugly jumpers. Tanith sat above Ghastly on the ceiling, dozing off every now and again. A month or two ago, her hair would be brushing against his bald, scarred head, but since the incident with the fire, it only reached hallway down and brushed against nothing but air.

"Skulduggery," Valkyrie said. She sat on her favourite armchair with Xena keeping her feet warm.

"Uh huh?" Skulduggery said. He had to use different methods of entertaining himself, since he couldn't get drunk. So after sorting a previously unopened box of Quality Street by colour, he was now rearranging Valkyrie's bookshelf.

"Remute," Valkyrie mumbled.

"Remute?"

"Remote," she corrected herself.

"Why? What's wrong with what's on?" Skulduggery asked, stepping away from the bookshelf.

"It's a silent film. My vision is blurry and I can't read, therefore I don't want to watch it."

"How can you pronounce 'therefore,' but not 'remote?'" Ravel asked from the corner of the room.

"Don't question me. And anyway, who the hell has even heard of… what is this? Mother Machree? What is it? Why is it on?"

"Mother Machree was made in something like 1928 and was directed by John Ford," Ghastly announced proudly. "I know this because I visited the set, where I shook hands with John Wayne, who had a minor role in the film."

"I think I remember you telling me all that," Skulduggery said, "you were very excited. In fact it was the first thing you said to me when you came back from America that time."

"Wow, you're a fanboy," Tanith teased from the ceiling. Ghastly raised his eyebrows and looked up at her.

"All that's are very interesting but… Why does that explain how this is so incomprehensibly boring?" Valkyrie moaned.

"I don't even know where to begin with the grammar in that sentence," Skulduggery said.

"Why. Is. This. On? I would choose Alice's school adaptation of the Muppets Christmas Carol over this. It is B-O-L-O-K… Wait a minute."

"Are you trying to say this is bollocks?" Tanith giggled.

Valkyrie clicked her fingers and pointed to Tanith. "Exactly."

"Why don't we play Charades?" Ghastly suggested.

Everybody who wasn't unconscious looked at Ghastly. Even Xena did.

"This Mother Machree is the best film I've seen in years," Valkyrie said.

"Oh ha-ha," Ghastly said. Tanith hopped off the ceiling and slouched on the couch next to him and wrapped her arm around his. "How about a walk then," Ghastly said.

"It's like, wall o'clock," Tanith said.

"Did you just say 'wall'?" Skulduggery asked.

"Stop pointing out everyone's drunken mistakes."

"My most sincere apologies," Skulduggery said sarcastically, to which Tanith replied with a middle finger.

"Anyway. It's one o'clock," Tanith said, looking back at Ghastly.

"So it'll be quiet out there. Come on," Ghastly stood up. "The cold air will do you good. Sober you up a bit. Probably. Maybe."

"How are you not getting your muddle in a words?" Tanith asked. "You had just as much to drink as us."

"I'm not a weakling who can't handle their drink."

"Careful what you say. I have a sword and I'm not afraid to use it. Wait, where's my sword?"

"I hid it when you and Larrikin started talking about who could balance it on their noses the longest," Skulduggery said. "I sensed a bet and some missing eyes, so I thought it'd be wise."

"Ah. Yeah," Tanith said.

"I'm getting my coat," Ghastly said. "Valkyrie, you tell her. Hey, why don't you do one of your Viney things? You know, the whole… Yeah."

"Actually, that's a good idea," Valkyrie said. "Tanith, we can do Merry Chrysler, or whatever they call it."

"Why can't we wait until next Christmas for that?" Tanith groaned, slouching even lower down.

"The world is too unpredictable for that," said Valkyrie, "Ireland might be wiped out by a meteor by next Christmas."

Tanith licked her teeth, an odd habit she had picked up whenever she was considering something.

"Fine, let's go."

"Yay!" Valkyrie and Ghastly cheered.

They all put their coats on then stepped out into the cold darkness.

"Aren't you going with them?" Ravel asked Skulduggery.

"Someone needs to supervise these numpties," Skulduggery said, gesturing to the sleeping Dead Men

"I'm going to tell them you said that."

"Whatever. Why don't you go with them?"

"Hmm. Yeah, that's a good idea," Ravel said, then he stood up and rushed to the door, wobbling slightly and tripping on nothing

Skulduggery heard him call, "hey guys, wait for me!" before he slammed the door, and the house was enveloped in silence, apart from the music on the TV. Skulduggery sat down in front of it.

"This is so boring," he said to himself.

* * *

"It's co-o-o-old," Valkyrie complained.

"Cold," Tanith confirmed.

"It's not cold," Ghastly said, "it's bracing. Do you feel any less drunk?" He looked behind them and frowned. Before Tanith or Valkyrie could reply, he said, "hey, where'd Ravel go?"

"He fell over about ten minutes ago," Valkyrie said, "we just left him."

"Shouldn't we go back for him, though?"

"Nah, we'll get him on the way back," Tanith said.

Ghastly looked at the shadowy road, "very well then," and they continued walking.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, they reached Haggard.

"Uhh, the tree is this way," Valkyrie said, frowning profusely.

"You don't seem too sure about that," Ghastly said.

"Don't worry, we'll find it. Hey, in the meantime, do you think there are any café's open? I could do with some coffee."

"At…" Tanith looked at her watch, squinted, then showed it to Ghastly. "What time is it?" She asked.

"Twenty to two."

"At twenty to two on Christmas… slash boxing day?" she said, "I highly doubt it."

"Oh yeah, I forgot it's Christmas," Valkyrie said. "Ah ha! This way!"

Valkyrie charged forward, illuminated by the streetlights. She ran down the street. "This way!" she called again.

Ghastly and Tanith looked at each other, then ran after Valkyrie. They turned a corner, followed another road, went through an alley, then came out into the town square, where there stood a brightly lit Christmas tree.

"Ta-daa!" Valkyrie said.

"It's beautiful," Tanith said, out of breath, "excuse me a moment."

She kneeled on the ground awkwardly then lay down, panting and staring up at the sky.

"Are you okay?" Valkyrie asked.

"Yep, just give me a minute to catch my breath… Oh jeez, it's cold down here."

"I can imagine it is, yes," Ghastly said.

"Ghastly, you should come lay down, too."

"I'd rather not."

"Valkyrie…"

"Yes, Tanith?" Valkyrie said.

"You should come lay down…" Tanith began laughing.

"I can't. We need to do this Vine."

Tanith groaned. She tried to sit up but flopped back down on the ground. She looked at Ghastly and held her hands out to him.

"Help," she said.

Ghastly sighed, went over to her and pulled her up.

"Okay I'm fine now," Tanith said. "Which one of us is going to be the main person in the Vine?"

"I suggest me," Valkyrie said.

"That's cool. I can be the crisis girl. Ghastly, you can be Chrysler."

"I'm honoured," Ghastly said.

"You should be," Valkyrie said. "Alright, let's go. Wait, hold on… No wait it's okay. I thought I forgot what's all said and done in this, but I remember."

"Well that's a relief," Tanith said, "because I don't."

Valkyrie looked at Tanith.

"Just kidding!" Tanith said.

"Do I need to do anything?" Ghastly asked.

"Not really. Just look at the camera and smile," Valkyrie said.

"Got it," said Ghastly.

"Okay, now, action!"

Valkyrie began recording, with the phone on selfie mode and the tree behind her, she said,

"happy crimis," she smiled awkwardly, as if doing an impression of someone who didn't know how to smile, then continued. "It's chrisminth."

She turned around. Tanith was already staring up at the tree, with a pained smile spread on her face.

"Merry crisis," Valkyrie said, but the way she pronounced it was like 'criesis.'

Finally, Valkyrie turned so that Ghastly was behind her, and he smiled at the camera, just like he was told.

"Happy Chrysler."

Valkyrie stopped filming.

"We did it!" Tanith cheered, "wow, so we constantly fuck up when we're sober, but when we're drunk, we get it first time? We should drink more often."

"Wait, that was it?" Ghastly asked, "but that other one you showed me, the one with the skateboard, it had a ton of stuff in it, well, just the skateboard and the rail really, but it took skill. This was just… this?"

"Hey, don't dis the Vine."

"Okay, I'm sorry. It was just a little underwhelming."

"That's okay," Tanith said. "Anyway, we should head back now, shouldn't we?"

"Yeah," said Ghastly. "Valkyrie, lead the way, I forgot."

* * *

Another forty minutes and they were back at Grimwood. Valkyrie immediately fell on the floor, at the mercy of Xena's prodding tongue at her face.

"Oh fuck…" Tanith said as she once again slouched on the couch.

"What's wrong?" Skulduggery asked as he came through.

"Oh fuck," Ghastly repeated.

"Oh fuck," came Valkyrie, muffled by the carpet.

"We forgot Ravel," Tanith said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next playing frisbee next to a road is not a good idea.
> 
> It's 7am here in Scotland and I've uploaded two chapters this morning. Must be Christmas XD
> 
> Happy holidays everyone, and have a good New Year.


	27. What The Feck Richard?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by KenrickMNP

Valkyrie, Tanith, Saracen and Dexter all sat in Skulduggery’s car. Dexter sat in the back between Tanith and Saracen, half asleep. His head lolled to the side, until it was resting on Tanith’s shoulder. She frowned at it and pushed his head away until it was resting to the other side, on Saracen’s shoulder. Valkyrie in the front was also half asleep. Her head bounced against the car window, bumping up and down with the vibrations of the road. None of them spoke…

Suddenly, the radio burst out loudly:

_ We’re going on a trip, in our favourite rocket ship, _

_ Zooming through the sky. _

Dexter sat up straight.

“What the hell was that?” he exclaimed.

Skulduggery turned the volume down so the passengers could hear him laughing manically.

“I thought you four could do with being woken up,” he said innocently.

“Is he always this much of a prick when you guys are hungover?” Tanith asked, looking at Saracen and Dexter in turn.

“I try my best,” Skulduggery said cheerily.

“Are we going to have enough frisbees?” Valkyrie asked, changing the subject swiftly.

“We’ve got one, that’s all we need,” Tanith said.

“Yeah but you know what we’re like,” Valkyrie said, “we’ll probably lose it.”

“I agree with Valkyrie,” Saracen said. “We should buy more.”

“Okay, but what sort of shops are going to sell frisbees on boxing day?” Tanith asked, “what shops are even open on boxing day?”

“That small one in Haggard sells them,” Valkyrie said, “that’s where I got this one, and they had plenty more. I’ve no idea if it’ll be open though.”

“It’s open,” Saracen said.

“It is?” Valkyrie asked.

“It is, trust me. I know things.”

As Saracen said that last line, Tanith noticed Dexter mouthing the words “I know things,” like he had heard them a thousand times. In all probability, he had.

“So you want to go to Haggard first?” Skulduggery asked.

“Yep,” Valkyrie said.

*

“This is bullshit,” Tanith said. Skulduggery said Valkyrie and Tanith were too irresponsible on their own, so Valkyrie and Dexter went in, and the other three waited in the car.

“Not our fault you and Valkyrie can’t trusted,” Saracen said.

“We can be trusted. Most of the time. It’s not as if the old man in that shop is going to be selling any oil, or Monster, or lighters.”

“A… What? Is this about how you burned off your hair?” Saracen asked.

“Oh no, I told you that was with hairspray.”

“So what was the Monster, oil, and lighters?”

“You really don’t want to know,” Skulduggery said.

Saracen looked at Skulduggery with a raised eyebrow, then he looked at Tanith who was grinning madly.

“Okay, I believe you,” Saracen said.

The sat for a few moments in silence broken only by Tanith’s bored sighs, until Dexter and Valkyrie burst out of the small shop and came running full speed at the car. Each of them held brightly coloured frisbees in their hands, and they looked ever so slightly ridiculous.

“Start the car! Start the fucking car!” came Dexter’s muffled but unmistakably panicked voice.

Skulduggery casually rolled down the window and leaned out while Tanith and Saracen shared bewildered looks.

“What was that?” Skulduggery asked, deliberately speaking slowly, imitating a deaf old man.

“Start the bloody car!” Valkyrie shouted.

Skulduggery sighed and started the car.

“I don’t know why I’m not surprised they’ve gotten themselves in trouble,” Skulduggery said, but he leaned over and opened the passenger door. Tanith took off her seatbelt and opened the door, preparing to get out so that Dexter could reclaim his seat in the middle, but as she put her foot out, Dexter and Valkyrie reached them, and Dexter didn’t wait. He leaped in, landing across Tanith and Saracens laps. Valkyrie slammed the door shut.

“Go, go, go, go!” Valkyrie said.

Skulduggery, with his usual elegance, slammed down on the accelerator and the Bentley screeched as it thrust itself forward. He turned and exited the car park just as an old man with a shotgun caught up.

“Is that…?” Tanith began.

“The crazy old farmer dude!” Valkyrie cried.

“Wait, you guys know him?” Dexter asked, still laying across Saracen and Tanith’s laps, and rubbing his head as he felt a headache returning.

“He tried shooting at us when we annoyed his cows,” Tanith explained. “Wait, do  _ you _ know him?”

“Uh… yeah, I kinda stole his girlfriend about… fifty years ago?” Dexter said, straining to remember.

“You what?” Saracen asked, giving a look similar to Tanith and Valkyrie’s.

“In my defence, it was the sixties.”

“Wait a minute, if he has a cow farm, why does he also work in a shop the day after Christmas? And why does he always seem to have a shotgun?” Tanith asked.

“Maybe he’s just…  _ really _ crazy,” Dexter said.

“He certainly looks it,” Skulduggery said.

“Oh well,” Valkyrie said, “at least we got the frisbees!”

*

They stood together on a field not far from the car park by the side of a main road.

“So, which one of us is going to be Richard?” Valkyrie asked.

“I volunteer, unless one of you guys want do it?” Dexter said.

“You can do it,” Valkyrie said, and threw a frisbee at him, then passed the rest of the frisbee’s to Saracen.

“Thank you,” Dexter said as he caught it, “who’s filming?”

Valkyrie and Tanith looked at each other for a moment, then looked to Dexter and simultaneously said, “I am.”

“That’s not fair, you always film,” Tanith said.

“No, I don’t. We film an equal amount.”

“That’s not true,”

“Yes it is,” Valkyrie defended.

“I don’t understand why five of us came when only two are necessary,” Saracen said.

“I wouldn’t worry about that, Saracen,” Skulduggery said, “I barely understand what they’re even talking about.” He was standing to the side slightly, repeatedly throwing a frisbee then using the air to divert it back to him.

“I told you, we’ll explain eventually,” Valkyrie said, turning to Skulduggery now.

“How about,” Dexter began, “one of you film, the other says ‘what the fuck Richard?’”

“That is a startlingly simple solution,” Tanith said. “Why didn’t we think of that?”

“Because we’re both hungover,” said Valkyrie.

“I am, too,” Dexter said.

“Yeah, but you’re older and better at dealing with it.”

“Oh yeah, I guess that’s true,” Dexter said.

“Okay, so I’ll film, you speak?” Valkyrie asked.

“Sounds good to me,” Tanith said.

“Saracen, Skulduggery, stand back!”

Saracen took a few steps back and Skulduggery floated himself back, still playing with the frisbee. They did this even though they were already far enough back so that if they had been talking, the camera wouldn’t have picked up their conversation.

“So just to be sure, all I do is throw the frisbee, then get asked what the fuck?” Dexter said.

“Yup, spot on,” Valkyrie replied, opening her camera.

“Throw it towards the road,” Tanith said. She stood next to Valkyrie.

“Uh-huh, I know.”

“Okay, you guys ready?” Valkyrie said, “Action!”

Dexter jogged forwards, then threw the frisbee. It spun forward, and travelled quite a distance, but it didn’t go anywhere near the road.

“Whoops,” Dexter said.

“Saracen! Another frisbee please?” Valkyrie called.

Saracen spun a frisbee towards them. It rose higher in the air like a UFO.

“I got it!” Dexter said.

“It’s coming to me,” Tanith said.

“It’s too high up. Quick, Tanith get on Dexter’s shoulders!” Valkyrie said.

Tanith didn’t wait to hear Dexter’s cries of protest. She leaped up behind him and pushed herself onto his shoulders, then reached up to catch the frisbee. It flew straight past them. Tanith wobbled about, gripping the top of Dexter’s head so as not to fall off.

“Ow, ow!” Dexter screeched, “that’s my hair, ow, please get off!”

Tanith’s right knee slipped off Dexter’s shoulder, and she fell to the side, still gripping Dexter by the hair. They both fell to the ground and landed in the muddy grass, wet with melted frost.

“Don’t worry guys, I got the frisbee!” Valkyrie cheered quietly.

Tanith and Dexter glared up at her while Saracen laughed and Skulduggery chuckled to himself.

*

“Okay guys, second time lucky. Remember to throw it towards the road, Dexter,” Tanith said.

“I know, I know. The problem is that I’m too good at frisbee-ing.”

“Pretty sure that’s not a word,” Valkyrie said.

“Whatever let’s do this,” Dexter said, readying himself to throw the frisbee.

“Action!”

Dexter ran forward and threw the frisbee, this time it swerved to the right, heading towards the road.

“What the fuck, Richard?” Tanith said in an exasperated tone.

Valkyrie stopped filming.

“We did it, guys!”

“That’s right, bitches!” Tanith said, “we’re awesome. Aren’t we awesome, Dexter?”

“We’re awesome.”

“Hey Skulduggery, Saracen, we’re awesome!” Valkyrie shouted.

“Hooray,” said Skulduggery, as if not sure whether it was the right reaction. Meanwhile, Saracen cheered behind him.

“Okay, now we better get going because we have a flight back to Portugal tonight and I’m not packed babes!” Saracen said, heading towards the car.

“I keep telling him we should call Fletcher,” Dexter said, “but once when Fletcher was helping out the Monster Hunters, like before he became a teacher, he visited Saracen and apparently completely devoured his biscuit box. Those poor Jammy Dodgers never stood a chance…”

“What a tragic story,” Valkyrie said.

“Yup. So yeah, now Saracen is a bit wary of Fletcher knowing where we live.”

“I didn’t hear the first part of that story, but that’s very wise,” Tanith said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next it's New Year, so there's going to be a some craziness.
> 
> It's a Wednesday so we're back with the scheduled update. I hope everyone had a good day and enjoyed themselves, even if it was just a normal day for you.
> 
> No shoutouts, but many, many slots are open.
> 
> If you have any requests send them in.
> 
> Until next time, adéu


	28. Let's Get Crazy For New Year I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by me

“And that’s everything,” Tanith said and set the last item on the list - pickled onions - into her trolley. Tanith had the food trolley, Valkyrie had the drink trolley, both were piled high.

 

“Who wanted pickled onions again?” Tanith asked.

 

“Ravel asked me to get them,” Valkyrie said.

 

“Why are we shopping again and not them?” Tanith asked.

 

“Because we invited them over for New Year after our awesome Christmas and we need their help for vines. Anton did offer to help but I told him just to bring more of the really nice stuffing he made for Christmas.”

 

Tanith stared.

 

“You asked Anton,” Tanith began, “To bring. Stuffing. To a New Year’s party?”

 

“Why yes I did,” Valkyrie beamed, “Now let’s escape this chaos that is shopping on New Year’s eve.”

 

“It’s not that chaotic,” Tanith said. Their aisle was empty and a grand total of three people had passed the top of the aisle in the time they’d been standing there. 

 

“I saw a woman rip another woman’s weave off to get the last tray of dip,” Valkyrie said, “it was me. I did that.”

 

Tanith looked at the tray of dip in Valkyrie’s trolley. There were hairs caught on it.

 

“Bitch tried to steal my dip, I had my hand on it first,” Valkyrie defended. 

 

“Remind me to take you shopping for Black Friday next year.”

 

“Black Friday isn’t a big deal here. I just sit on the computer and buy reduced shit online.”

 

“No, Black Friday in America. You ever seen the clips?”

 

“I have. It looks fun. Next year, that’s what we do.”

 

“Provided America hasn’t descended into an apocalyptic wasteland like in ‘The Road’,” Tanith said.

 

“‘The Road’?”

 

“It’s a book. And a movie. The movie is one of the most book accurate film adaptations I’ve seen, apart from the missed out a scene where a baby gets -”

 

“Let’s start the New Year off happy, Tanith. We’ll talk about ‘The Road’ next year.”

 

“Okay,” Tanith said happily and skipped down the aisle pushing her trolley.

 

\-------------------------------

 

_ Jealousy turning saints into the sea _

 

“Jealousy turning saints into the sea!” Valkyrie and Tanith sang along to the music. 

 

_ Swimming through sick lullabies _

 

“Swimming through sick lullabies!”

 

_ Choking on your alibis _

 

“Choking on your alibis!”

 

_ But it's just the price I pay _

 

“But it's just the price I pay!”

 

_ Destiny is calling me _

 

“Destiny is calling me!”

 

_ Open up my eager eyes _

 

“Open up my eager eyes!”

 

_ 'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside _

 

“Cause I'm Mr. Brightside!”

 

Valkyrie pulled up outside Grimwood as the song ended. 

 

“Whoo!” Tanith cheered, “I love that song.”

 

“Me too,” Valkyrie turned off the ignition, “ready to unpack a fuck ton of shopping?”

 

“Nope,” Tanith said, popping the ‘p.’

 

“Me neither,” Valkyrie went silent for a second, “anything frozen in the car?”

 

“I bought some Olaf slippers,” Tanith said.

 

Valkyrie stared at her. 

 

“I meant frozen produce, like ice cream?”

 

“I was making a joke, there’s nothing Frozen and nothing frozen in the car.”

 

“Wanna leave the shopping and go inside and play with the doggos?” Valkyrie suggested.

 

“I very much do,” Tanith said.

 

“Let’s go!”

\-----------------------------------------------------------

 

There was a knock at the door two hours later. Xena bounded off to the door barking, T-Rex on her heels.

 

“Pupitos! Return to the kitchen!” Valkyrie called out. 

 

Xena barked once more at the door before retreating into the house. T-Rex remained barking at the door.

 

Valkyrie maneuvered around T-Rex and opened the front door. T-Rex bolted out and jumped up at the person at the door. Valkyrie opened the door fully to reveal Anton Shudder standing on the doorstep, bags of shopping in his hands, four in each hand, and a yorkshire terrier bouncing around his feet.

 

“Anton, you’re early!” Valkyrie held out her arms in greeting.

 

“I thought I would help you set up. It appears I was right to do so, based on your note,” Anton said.

 

“What note?” Valkyrie asked.

 

“I left a small note in the car asking to unpack the shopping,” Tanith said, coming up the front door. She took some of the bags from Shudder.

 

“It was more of a large note, scribbled across the entire back windshield,” Anton said passing three bags to Tanith.

 

“Oh yeah,” Tanith said, “in my head it was small.”

 

Valkyrie shook her head and took some bags from Anton. 

 

“When are the others arriving?” Anton asked, handing two bags off to Tanith.

 

“Soon, probably in the next hour or so,” Valkyrie said, “oh, did you bring the stuffing?”

 

“I put the bowl in the only half empty bag.”

 

“You are the best Dead Man.”

 

“He really is,” Tanith agreed, “just don’t tell Ghastly I said that. I love him very much but Anton wins this round.”

 

“Thank you,” Anton said seriously. 

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------

  
  


Valkyrie stood at the fireplace and tapped her glass with a knife. The party had build to a comfortable level, with everyone in their party hats (Valkyrie insisted everyone wore one) drinking and eating and talking. Ravel had eaten half of his pickled onions and had Larrikin forcing toothpaste in his mouth to remove the “pickle breath.” 

 

“Attention, Dead Men and others, Tanith and I would like to cordially invite you to join us in filming three consecutive vines in celebration of the New Year. All those who wish to partake, say ‘aye’.” 

 

“Aye!” Saracen, Dexter and Ravel cheered.

 

“You three please ensure your party hats are still on your head and join us by the lovingly set up table,” Tanith said, holding her outstretched hand over the table with it’s red tablecloth and glass bowl filled with baubles.

 

“China, we need you to film,” Valkyrie said.

 

“Why me?” China asked.

 

“I don’t trust Skulduggery not to interfere, Ghastly has vanished and I was going to ask Anton but he is,” Valkyrie looked over to where Anton sat frozen on the couch, Larrikin passed out across him, “otherwise engaged.”

 

“Plus,” Tanith added, “you did a very good job on the other one you filmed.”

 

China sighed and set her glass down.

 

“Thank you China,” Tanith said.

\--------

 

“Okay people get into position!” Valkyrie instructed. “Your party hats better still be on your heads!” 

 

Valkyrie took her place beside the table with Saracen standing beside her and Tanith, Dexter and Ravel behind her. 

 

China stood in front of them, holding up Valkyrie’s phone. 

 

“Everyone got their noisy blowey party blower tube thingies?” Tanith asked, “I don’t know what they’re called…”

 

Dexter and Ravel put their’s into their mouths and blew, the tubes unrolling and making a loud noise.

 

“That’s a yes,” Saracen said and did the same with his one. 

 

“Okay,” Valkyrie said before turning her attention to China, “I’ll count down from three then you start filming.”

 

China nodded. 

 

“And 3, 2, 1, film!” Valkyrie called out. 

 

China began filming. 

 

“Who wants to get crazy for new year?!” Dexter asked excitedly, shaking his hands. 

Tanith put her party blower in her mouth and blew. Ravel and Saracen copied her. 

 

“Yaaaa!” Valkyrie cheered and picked up the glass bowl from off the table. 

 

“Aaaaaaa!” She raised it above her head, still cheering and threw it down onto the ground. 

 

The bowl shattered.

 

“Aaaaaaaa!” Valkyrie adopted a lunge like stance and raised her arms fists clenched.

 

The others stared at her in shock. China stopped filming.

 

“That was fun!” Valkyrie beamed.

 

Ghastly drunkingly stumbled into the room.

 

“What happened?” he asked.

 

“Valkyrie got crazy for New Year,” Tanith said.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next, the new year craziness continues in part two, which will be up later on today.
> 
> Who's ready for 2019? I know I'm not XD
> 
> I hope you all have a good year and continue to stay with us as the Vines of Valkyrie and Tanith continues into in it's sixth month.
> 
> The song they were singing, in case anyone doesn't know it, was "Mr Brightside" by the Killers. That song was my anthem for this year as I was listening to it when 2018 started. I was also listening to Evanescence's "Bring Me To Life."
> 
> Did anyone else do one of those things where if you start a song at a certain time before the New Year a certain line will be sung exactly at midnight? I did that with Bring Me To Life.
> 
> Until next time, enjoy your night/day whenever you're reading this!


	29. Let's Get Crazy For New Year II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by KenrickMNP

“There’s uh... there’s glass all over the floor though…” Ghastly mumbled.

 

“Oh yeah don’t worry about that,” Valkyrie said.

 

Ghastly shrugged, and sat down on the couch next to Anton and Larrikin.

 

“Could someone get a dustpan and brush or something to clean it all up before my shoes get wrecked?” China asked.

 

Dexter gave Saracen an encouraging pat on the back. Saracen looked at him with a raised eyebrow, then he got his meaning and looked at Valkyrie and Tanith for help, but Valkyrie was looking at her phone, which China just passed to her, and Tanith nodded avidly in agreement with Dexter. Saracen rolled his eyes.

 

“Fine, I’ll do it,” Saracen sighed, and went off to find something to clean up with.

 

“Now,” Valkyrie said, having paid not the slightest bit of attention to him, “who wants to watch the first of our three part masterpiece?”

 

Tanith was first to rush to Valkyrie’s side, and Dexter followed,and Ravel shoved his way between them to see. Even China subtly peeked over their shoulders to see.

 

When the video ended, Ravel cheered.

 

“That was awesome, guys,” Tanith said.

 

“I wouldn’t know,” Saracen said, kneeling on the ground picking up shards of glass.

 

“Don’t worry, one of us can clean up the bottle next time,” Valkyrie said.

 

“Oh yeah… The bottle,” said Dexter nervously.

 

“Don’t tell me you’re scared of it,” Valkyrie teased.

 

“I’m not scared. I’m just… scared. Of getting a concussion. I have a history of concussions, I think they run in my genes,”Dexter said, “hey Ghastly, you’ve got a hard head, why don’t you take my place?”

 

Everyone looked at Ghastly, but he had fallen asleep, his head lolled back and he breathed as if he were trying to inhale the ceiling.

 

“He’s asleep,” Anton said.

 

“You’ll just have to stick with it,” Ravel grinned at Dexter.

 

“Getting hit on the head with a bottle isn’t so bad,” Tanith added, “one time I went to Russia and got hit with two bottles on the same night. Wow, what a hangover I had the next morning.” 

 

Tanith laughed.

 

“Remember to tell me the whole story, that sounds awesome,” said Valkyrie, “but for now, who’s ready to do this Vine?”

 

“I am,” Tanith said.

 

“I am,” Saracen said.

 

“I am,” Ravel said.

 

“I’m not,” Dexter said.

 

“Excellent,” Valkyrie said. “China?”

 

“Of course,” China said, smiling and holding her hand out for the phone, which Valkyrie handed over.

 

“Now get in position, everyone!” Valkyrie said.

 

They all gathered behind the table decorated with a bowl (similar to the recently deceased one), champagne flutes, and the all important bottle of champagne.

 

“Dexter, you ready for the bottle?” Valkyrie asked, “you know what you need to do?”

 

“Oh god… Yes,” said Dexter. Clearly this Vine was going to test his acting skills, because he could not look any less excited.

 

“Good. China, three… two…”

 

Dexter took a deep breath.

 

“One!” Valkyrie called.

 

China began filming.

 

“Who wants to get crazy for new year?!” Dexter cheered. Everyone had massive grins on their faces, and all but Valkyrie used their party blowers. Whilst surrounded by the noise from them, Valkyrie screamed.

 

“Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”

 

She picked up the bottle and turned to Dexter, who was crouched, facing the side, and blowing his party blower with his eyes squeezed shut, anticipating the blow.

 

Still screaming, Valkyrie brought the bottle down on his head. It whacked off his skull and he fell to the ground with a cry, but the bottle didn’t break. Everyone stared disappointedly, except from Dexter, who was writhing on the ground clutching his head.

 

“Ow, motherfu-”

 

“Cut!” Valkyrie said.

 

China stopped filming.

 

“The damn bottle didn’t break, did you see that?” Valkyrie said. 

 

“We saw it,” Tanith said.

 

“Damn bottle,” Valkyrie slammed it down harshly on the table, and with the force of that, the bottle shattered, and the cheap champagne spilled everywhere. “Damn bottle!” she repeated.

 

“Don’t worry,” Tanith said, “we’ve got plenty others. They were going to be for drinking but who cares? I’ll go get one.” Tanith rushed off to the kitchen.

 

“Get up, Dexy, we’re doing it again,” Saracen said, pulling Dexter from the ground.

 

“Oh…” he groaned.

 

Tanith returned with the new bottle, plus a cloth for wiping up the spilled champagne from the last one. She chucked the cloth to Ravel, and he quickly cleaned it up.

 

“Alright everyone, back in position!” Valkyrie instructed. 

 

Everyone got together behind the table.

 

“Three, two, one!” Valkyrie counted down. 

 

China began filming.

 

“Who wants to get crazy for new year?!” Dexter shouted. To Valkyrie it sounded slightly slurred, but no one said anything, so she let it slide, and began cheering.

 

“Yeaaaaaaaaaaa!”

 

While the others let off their party blowers, Valkyrie picked up the bottle. Dexter had crouched slightly once again, and was facing the side.

 

“Aaaaaaaaaaa!”

 

Valkyrie brought the bottle down on his head again. This time it broke successfully, and champagne rained over them.

 

Still holding the neck of the bottle, Valkyrie continued screaming, standing in what could be seen as a victory pose while the others stared in shock. She continued screaming for a second or two until China stopped recording.

 

“It worked!” Ravel cheered.

 

“I think we knocked out Dexter,” Saracen said, noticing that he was still lying on the ground and not moving, his hair dripping with champagne.

 

“Dexter will be fine,” assured Tanith. “Your carpet though. Well, that’s another story,” she added turning to Valkyrie.

 

“Hah, don’t worry about that, carpets are unnecessary. You guys ready for number three?!”

 

“Hell yeah!” Tanith said.

 

“Let’s do it!” Saracen cried.

 

“Yeah motherfuckers!” Ravel said.

 

China nodded along with them, though she didn’t portray any immediate eagerness.

Dexter lifted his arm and dropped it to the ground to get their attention.

 

“Call an amberlamps…” he groaned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next, part three of "Let's Get Crazy For New Year" it will be up at midnight (or just after) GMT.
> 
> Anyone doing anything for the New Year? Here in Scotland we call it Hogmany, no idea why though. I'm probably just going to eat food and drink tea, maybe lemonade.
> 
> Until next time, enjoy the rest of 2018 (or start of 2019 if it's already the New Year) and we'll be back with part three soon!


	30. Let's Get Crazy For New Year III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by me

"Last one people!" Tanith called out, "anyone else want to join us?"

Valkyrie looked around the room. Skulduggery had disappeared and was yet to return, Ghastly was still sleeping, Larrikin was still sleeping, Dexter was away at the Sanctuary getting his head checked out after the bottle incident Saracen with him, and Anton had escaped Larrikin and disappeared off somewhere. China was gone too.

"We could just do it with us three?" Ravel suggested as he sorted out the new table, setting it up with the glasses and bowl. It was a foldable one that would, hopefully, collapse under Valkyrie as she threw herself onto it.

"We could," Tanith agreed, "but the other two were done with five. I feel like if we change it from the original we have to commit to it fully."

"How many were in the original?" Ravel asked.

"Four," Valkyrie said.

"We could wake up Larrikin and Ghastly? China needs to keep filming, wherever she is, so she's out. We could find Anton and Skulduggery?" Tanith suggested.

"I'm here," Anton walked into the room.

"Where'd you vanish off to?" Valkyrie asked.

"Speaking to the dogs," Anton replied.

"How are they now?" Tanith asked, "they were good when I was through but a lot can change in half an hour."

"They are fine," Anton said.

"Hey Anton can you help us out?" Erskine asked.

"Since Saracen and Dexter are gone we need two people to fill in for them. All you have to do is put your party hat back on, pretend to cheer and then stare at Tanith and Saracen when I dive bomb onto the table," Valkyrie said.

Anton stared.

"Come on Anton, show us your new year spirit," Ravel set Saracen's discarded party hat onto Anton's head.

"It's still on couch. Trapped under Larrikin," Shudder said.

"Please Anton," Tanith begged.

"What's happening now?" Skulduggery strolled into the room and draped his jacket over an armchair.

"Dexter got hit over the head and is at the Sanctuary getting it seen to, Saracen went with him, Larrikin is still out, Ghastly fell asleep, China is missing and Anton won't be in our vine."

"How do Saracen and Dexter always end a night out with a trip to the hospital?" Skulduggery asked.

"It's a skill," Erskine said.

"As for China, she's outside taking a phone call. She won't be long. And Anton, shame on you."

Anton tilted his head slightly and stared at Skulduggery.

"I meant shame on me for not also helping. Once China returns, both Anton and I will help you," Skulduggery said.

"Good," Valkyrie said.

* * *

"Everyone clear on what they're doing?" Valkyrie asked.

A general murmur of agreement rose up.

"In that case…. China, 3, 2, 1!"

China began filming.

"Who wants to get crazy for new year?!" Ravel asked excitedly.

A cheer sounded out.

"YAAAAAAAAAA!" Valkyrie cried out. She picked up the glass bowl lifted it up slightly and leaped to the side. Her hip hit off the side of the table and she fell to the floor landing on her belly. The bowl fell and landed mercifully unbroken on the carpet.

"Yaaaaaa!" Tanith cheered and raised her arms, hands in fists.

Valkyrie groaned.

"Cut," Valkyrie moaned.

China stopped filming.

"You alright?" China asked.

"I'm good," Valkyrie spoke into the carpet.

* * *

"3,2,1!"

China began to film.

"Who wants to get crazy for new year?!" Ravel asked excitedly.

They cheered.

"YAaaaaaaa!" Valkyrie picked up the glass bowl and threw herself onto the table. She bounced slightly on the table and stopped, lying stretched out across it, glass bowl still in her hand.

"C-" Valkyrie began.

The table gave way beneath her and Valkyrie fell to the floor.

"Cut," Tanith said.

* * *

"If it fails this time, Skulduggery you're jumping on the table,"Valkyrie said as she took her place beside the table.

"If you hit your elbow right into the middle, it should fold," Shudder said.

"Oh yeah, I remember when Larrikin decided to jump onto the picnic table, it was one like this and he landed right in the middle and it folded up on him," Erskine said.

"That was a good day," Skulduggery said.

"You three done reminiscing about drunk Larrikin?" China asked.

"Almost dear," Skulduggery said.

Tanith and Valkyrie shared a look and bit back laughter.

"Call me dear again and I'll throw you onto the table," China said.

"Thank you China," Valkyrie said, "everyone - 3,2,1!"

China began filming.

"Who wants to get crazy for New Year?!" Erskine asked.

Everyone cheered.

"YAAAaaaaaaa," Valkyrie cheered. She picked up the glass bowl and leaped onto the table, her elbow catching the middle and the table folded, collapsing out of view of the camera.

Valkyrie stood up and took her pose again, "aaaaaaaa!"

China stopped filming.

"We all ready to get crazy for the real new year?" Tanith asked.

"YAAAAAAA!" Valkyrie cheered.

"Skul - awaken our drunk companions!" Ravel said. His phone buzzed from his pocket.

"Ooh Saracen said he and Dex are one their way back. They'll be here in time to count down to the new year."

* * *

"Five! Four! Three! Two! One! Happy New Year!" They all counted down to the start of 2019 in unison.

"Motherfuckers!" Valkyrie and Tanith added.

"Let's drink!" Saracen cheered.

"Whooo!"

"Happy New Year guys, I love you all!" Larrikin gushed and hugged Anton. Anton patted Larrikin's head twice before gently pushing him away.

"Who wants to dance?" Dexter asked.

"Play Skul and China's song!" Larrikin shouted.

"Alexa," Valkyrie said, "play Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO!"

Alexa beeped.

"Playing Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next, Fletcher plots how to kill his 'dad'.
> 
> Happy New Year y'all! I hope 2019 treats you good!
> 
> I have nothing else to say now except, until next time - goodbye!


	31. How To Kill Your Dad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by me

"Valkyrie?" Tanith called out from her seat on the rolly chair in front of the computer. It was not a comfy seat, but it spun well and that was all that mattered.

"Yass!" Valkyrie called back from the kitchen.

"What vine should we do now?"

"I don't know."

"I'll look up vines."

"Okay."

It took Tanith a grand total of 1 minute and 58 seconds to find one. It didn't look too difficult, there were three roles (including camera person), there was a dog role perfect for T-Rex and it would set off the new year well.

"I found one!" Tanith called.

"Ooh!" Valkyrie came running into the sitting room.

"What about this one?" Tanith re-played the vine for Valkyrie.

Valkyrie nodded excitedly.

"T-Rex can be the dog, you can be the dad and I'll be the kid," Valkyrie said.

Tanith nodded.

"Who's filming?" Tanith asked.

"I feel bad because we haven't asked Fletcher in a while, but China's better at filming," Valkyrie said.

"Although Fletcher knows to keep filming when it's funny, even if we say cut…" Tanith said.

"Hmmmm….."

"HHhhhmmmmmmm…"

HHHHHhhhhmmmmm."

"I know!" Tanith exclaimed, "Fletcher plays the part of the kid, I play the dad and you film."

"That would work," Valkyrie said.

Valkyrie took out her phone and called Fletcher.

"It's ya boi Fletch," Fletcher answered, "oh wait I hear it, pretend I never said that."

Valkyrie elected to ignore him.

"How would you like the opportunity of your life?" Valkyrie asked.

"Last time I got offered the 'opportunity of my life' it was a two day trip to Wick*. Do you have any idea how bad that place is?"

"I do not, but this really is the opportunity of a lifetime. Would you Fletcher Renn, do us the honours of starring in one of our vines?"

There was silence before Fletcher choked out a teary "I do."

"Fletcher - book?" Valkyrie asked.

Fletcher held up his book, one of Gordon's - And Then The Darkness Rained Upon Them.

"Phone?"

Fletcher held up his phone with the internet open and "how to kill you dad" typed into the search bar.

"Tanith - hair?"

Tanith strode into the sitting room. Her hair was styled in as close to the guy in the vine's as possible, she made a makeshift fringe by pinning her hair across her forehead and leaving the rest loose.

"Glasses?"

Tanith slipped on pair of black framed glasses.

"T-Rex?"

Tanith whistled and T-Rex came running up. She scooped him up and held him against her.

"I'm ready," Tanith said.

"Okay, so this is the plan. First scene - Tanith speaking 'have you done your homework fletchie?' Second scene- Fletcher doing that weird face and going 'mm mmh' really high pitched. Third scene - Tanith going "attaboy" and walking off. Fourth scene - close up of Fletcher's phone and Fletcher going "how to kill your dad" as I zoom out."

"Scene one, take one, action!" Valkyrie began filming, the camera showing Tanith's upper body, T-Rex nestled at her hip.

"Have you done your homework Fletchie?" Tanith asked in a high voice.

Valkyrie stopped filming.

"Perfect Tanith. Okay scene two take one," Valkyrie turned around to get Fletcher in the camera. Fletcher put on a scrunched up face.

"Action!"

"Mmm mhh," Fletcher nodded.

Valkyrie stopped filming.

"Moving onto scene three," Valkyrie turned to see Tanith.

"Action!"

"Attaboy," Tanith said and walked out of shot.

Valkyrie stopped filming.

"This is going well," Fletcher said.

"I mean there's not too much that can go wrong," Tanith said, "is there T-Rex? Is there?" Tanith kissed the top of T-Rex's head.

"Yeah there aren't too many variables in this one," Valkyrie said, "It's the perfect start to the New Year."

"Twenty Nineteen - Imma kick your ass," Fletcher said enthusiastically.

"Call it twenty bi-teen. Last year was twentygay-teen, now it's twentybi-teen , year of the bisexuals and I shall flourish," Tanith said dramatically.

"Twenty Bi-teen - Imma kick your ass and support my bisexual peers! Said no to biphobia!" Fletcher cheered.

"You said it!" Tanith cheered.

"Whoo!" Valkyrie cheered.

"Okay let's get back to vining!" Tanith said.

"Scene four!" Valkyrie announced.

She moved round the back of the couch and zoomed in on Fletcher's phone.

"Action!"

"How to kill your dad," Fletcher read out loud as Valkyrie zoomed the camera out before stopping the recording.

"That's a wrap!" Valkyrie cheered, "over to you now Tanith."

Tanith set T-Rex down and he wandered off to see Fletcher, jumping up onto the couch beside him.

"Dog," Fletcher patted his head.

"Tanith catch!" Valkyrie tossed her phone to Tanith.

"Yeet!" Fletcher cried out.

Tanith caught the phone.

"I'm going to need chips, a McFlurry and a Big Mac with cheese in order to complete this task," Tanith announced.

"Fletcher, may you retrieve us McDonalds?"

"I shall! What do you want?"

"Same as Tanith."

"I shall return!" Fletcher disappeared with a pop.

Tanith finished her burger and hit save. The video was complete. Her amazing editing skills saved the day once again. The candle Valkyrie had lit smelled amazing. Smelled like Christmas… She missed Christmas.

"Tanith, is it done?" Valkyrie came into the living room.

"It is complete," Tanith said.

"Awesome. Fletcher!"

Fletcher appeared in the sitting room holding Xena's toy.

"Yas?" Fletcher asked swinging the toy.

"Video's done," Valkyrie said.

"Ooh awesome!"

Fletcher let go of the toy and it swung into a corner. Something fell with a clump.

"Oops."

"Nevermind, come, watch," Valkyrie said.

Tanith played the vine.

Tanith was onscreen holding T-Rex.

"Have you done your homework Fletchie?" she asked.

Fletcher had a scrunched up face as he nodded and said "mmm mhh."

Tanith came back on screen saying "attaboy."

The camera cut to Fletcher's phone, displaying the search "how to kill your dad" which Fletcher read out loud before the video ended.

"We are on fire guys!" Fletcher said.

"Yeah we are!" Valkyrie said.

"No we are literally on fire, the carpet is on fire."

The dog toy had knocked over the candle and the alcohol soaked carpet from New Year had caught on fire.

Valkyrie sprung up, grabbed a cushion and smothered the fire. She stood up and tossed her hair out her face.

"Who wants to go carpet shopping?" Valkyrie asked.

"Road trip! I call shotgun!" Tanith pushed away from the desk, gilded bumpily over the carpet on the rolly chair, got to her feet and bolted for the door.

"I call backseat!" Fletcher disappeared with a pop.

"Guess I'm driving," Valkyrie said with a shrug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next, nae sure.
> 
> *Wick is a small town in the Scottish Highlands. "There are two reasons to go to Wick, B&M's and Wetherspoons" (Andrew R. December 2018) 
> 
> There is no shout out this chapter, but chapter three now has a shout out as Danny Murphy on fanfiction.net correctly guessed the language used in chapter two.
> 
> Hope everyone is having a good start to 2019!
> 
> So my sister suggested that me and KenrickMNP act out the Vines of Valkyrie of Tanith and upload them online. I am unsure on my thoughts about that...
> 
> Until next time, Dovizhdane


	32. Monkey On The Car

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by KenrickMNP

Valkyrie and Alice sat in the car, watching Tanith on her motorbike swiftly make her way up the road. They had spent half an hour waiting for Tanith, who had instructed them to meet her around here (although she had been very vague, so Valkyrie largely guessed the location). She also told them to bring T-Rex, so that Tanith could save time in not stopping off for him. They had sat killing time in the car, mostly entertained by the puppy, whose young fur was still black and gold with only the slightest tufts of grey beginning to appear, and soft to the touch, like a brand new blanket. But now Tanith was arriving.

"Who's that, T-Rex? Eh? Who's that? Is that Tanith?" Valkyrie asked excitedly, getting T-Rex's excited yelps in reply as he looked around, wide eyed with his ears pricked up.

Tanith parked just behind the car, and walked to Valkyrie's window. When she saw T-Rex wasn't on that side, she ran around the car. Alice rolled down her window.

"Do you want T-Rex?" Alice asked.

"Flip yes I do," Tanith replied, reaching in for the increasingly excited puppy. "Creature!" Tanith squealed, "wonderful creature!"

"Hey Tanith, do you want to see my new shoes?" Alice asked. She twisted round and stuck her right foot out of the window, revealing sparkly purple trainers.

"Nice," Tanith said, "did you get them for Christmas?"

"Yep, wait 'til you see the other one!"

Alice twisted further so that she could stick her other foot out. She was now laying across the seat, with her head resting on Valkyrie's leg, and both her feet hanging out the window.

"Wow," Tanith said, "it's exactly the same and yet somehow better than the last one."

Valkyrie leaned over, "so I'm guessing we're doing a vine by the time we're gathered out here?"

"Correct. Join me out here for a second, Valkyrie. Alice, we won't be a minute."

Valkyrie got out the car. Her and Tanith stood in front of the car.

"Okay yeah it's for a Vine, but before I tell you what one, is it alright that Alice swears again?"

"Umm," Valkyrie said, "I guess so, but-"

"Brilliant! I'm glad you said that because I already spent like fifteen Euros on a costume for T-Rex."

"Wow. So what Vine are we doing? None spring to mind that have dogs in costumes. What sort of costume is it?"

"A monkey."

Valkyrie thought for a few moments. "Nope," she said finally, "I can't think of one."

"It's the one of the kid in the car, and he says 'monkey on the car' and his mother, or at least I assume it's his Mum, says 'is there a monkey on the car?' and then the kid says 'yes… fuck off'"

"Ah yes, I know that one… So you spent fifteen Euros for a monkey costume, to make T-Rex the monkey in place of the actual monkey…"

As Valkyrie was saying this, Tanith nodded along enthusiastically.

"The monkey… That doesn't actually make an appearance in the Vine?"

Tanith smile faltered, and she frowned.

"Fuck," she said.

Valkyrie laughed. "It's okay," she said, patting her shoulder, "you can still use it."

Tanith nodded, slightly dismayed by that error, but she nevertheless got the costume, while Valkyrie rejoined Alice in the car, although she climbed in the back, instead of the driver's seat, which T-Rex now inhabited.

"Why are you in the back?" Alice asked.

"We're doing a vine. You get to swear again, by the way."

"Yay! You're the best."

"I feel like I should be worried by you getting so excited over saying fuck."

"No you shouldn't," said Alice.

Valkyrie shrugged, then Tanith came to the car. She opened the door, and scooped up T-Rex.

"Okay Alice, before you point it out, which Valkyrie kindly did, I know the monkey isn't actually in the vine, but I spent fifteen euros on a costume, so we're using it," Tanith said. "Use him to visualise the monkey; it'll make your acting more believable. Trust me, I know all about this stuff. I'll take this wonderful boy outside, and knock on the window when you can film."

With that, Tanith shut the door, carrying T-Rex in her arm.

"Does she really know all about that stuff?" Alice asked.

"Not really. I think she's just trying to justify buying the costume."

"Oh."

There were faint scratching noises as T-Rex explored the top of the car, no doubt Tanith watched vigilantly to make sure he didn't try to jump off the other side. Then, Tanith tapped her knuckles against the car roof, signalling for them to begin.

"That'll be her knock," Valkyrie said, opening her phones camera.

"What am I supposed to say?" Alice asked, "I haven't seen this one I don't think. Maybe I have but I forgot."

"You say 'monkey on the car' twice, then I say it, then you say 'Fuck off.'"

Alice laughed slightly at the F-word. "Okay," she said, "actually I do know it. Definitely. Should we do it now? Or will Tanith knock again?"

"We'll do it now, we can't really tell T-Rex is up there anyway, can we? Anyway, you ready?"

"Yep," Alice said.

"Good. Action!" But Valkyrie didn't start filming just then. She waited only a second, maybe less.

"Monkey on the car…" Alice said.

That's when Valkyrie began filming. Just after Alice said the first few syllables, so that the only words in the video were 'the car'.

"Monkey on the car," Alice said again.

"Monkey on the car," Valkyrie said, in a high pitched voice, making it sound like a question.

Before Alice said her finishing line, Tanith opened the door.

"You guys finished?" She asked. "Did it work?"

"Fuck off," Alice said.

"I was only asking a question," Tanith said, pretending to be offended.

Valkyrie looked at Tanith, laughing.

"We were just about to finish," she said.

"Oh. Sorry, but to be fair, I did give you plenty of time."

"Nevermind, we can do it again," Alice said.

"Wait a minute, where's T-Rex?" Valkyrie asked.

"He's still on top of the car, he seems to like it. I think the monkey costume gives him confidence." With that, Tanith shut the door.

Alice gave Valkyrie a confused look that was rather more profound than is expected at her age, but Valkyrie agreed with it nevertheless.

"Okay, this won't take long. You ready?" Valkyrie asked.

"Yes," Alice said positively.

"Three, two, one, action," Valkyrie said quickly.

"Monkey on the car," Alice said, as Valkyrie began recording. "Monkey on the car."

"Monkey on the car?" Valkyrie said, making it sound the same as before.

"Fuck off."

Valkyrie laughed as she stopped filming.

"Good work, Alice," she said.

"I know," replied Alice, as she reached over and knocked on the window.

Tanith opened the car door, T-Rex once more in her arm and looking ridiculous yet cute in his monkey costume.

"How'd it work, then?" Tanith asked.

Valkyrie got the video up on her phone, and showed it to her. When it ended, Tanith stuck up her thumbs.

"I've said this before but I'll say it again: we're awesome. Hey. Alice, when you grow up you should be an actress."

"How do I become an actress?"

"I've no clue. Sorry," said Tanith.

"But earlier you said-"

"I know what I said. Ignore me."

"Ignore her," Valkyrie repeated.

"Okay, I'm ignoring you," Alice told Tanith.

"But yeah, that was awesome," Tanith said. "Here, take the child," she handed T-Rex gently to Alice as he looked around nervously. "Meet you back at yours for tea?"

"Sure," Valkyrie said, climbing into the front, joining Alice and T-Rex.

Tanith climbed onto her bike and strapped on her helmet. "Race you?" she asked.

"Not likely."

"You're boring," Tanith said.

"I have an Alice in the car."

"Alice can come with me, then she's not in the car she's on the bike."

"Not. Bloody. Likely."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next Tanith has a brilliant idea. An idea as great as a vine compilation...
> 
> We've got no shout-outs this week but leave a review with the language used in this chapter (or one of the others that haven't already been guessed) to get your shoutout.
> 
> If anyone has any requests feel free to send them in! 
> 
> Until next time, αντιο σας!


	33. The Challenge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by me.
> 
> Disclaimer I have never been to Dublin Krispy Kreme and I know nothing about gymnastics.

"Valkyrie, I have an idea!"

"75% of the times you say that, something bad happens," Valkyrie said, "go on."

"You know how we had a list of vines that we thought would be really easy so we set them aside and forgot about them?"

"Yas."

"What if we do as many of those vines as we can in 12 hours?"

"That is a good idea you magnificent person!"

"I am rather a genius," Tanith leaned back smugly in the desk chair. It tipped backwards, depositing Tanith and throwing itself onto the floor.

"See?" Tanith said lying on her back, "Genius. I proved once again that gravity works!"

* * *

Tanith sat in front of the blank google sheet document. She typed out the title "Vines" and sat and waited. She tapped her foot. Tap. Tap. Tap. She drummed her fingers on the desk. Rap. A tap. Tap. Tap. She sniffed and rubbed her nose.

Valkyrie finally returned to the sitting room with a tray. Balanced on the tray were two glasses and two bowls, one larger than the other.

"I have returned," Valkyrie announced dramatically.

"Whoo," Tanith said.

Valkyrie lifted one glass and set it on the table. The blue liquid bubbling and fizzing. She set the other glass beside it, this one containing a pink drink in the same fizzy state. Tanith lifted the pink one and took a sip.

"I still don't understand how you can drink that Bubblegum stuff," Tanith said, motioning to Valkyrie's glass of blue Bubblegum juice.

"I still don't understand how you can drink that Cherryade stuff," Valkyrie retorted and set down the larger bowl, filled with crisps. She set the second bowl beside it.

"What kind of dip?" Tanith asked studying the contents of the bowl. It was white with bits in it.

"Cheese and chive," Valkyrie said and tossed the tray to the side. It bounced against the couch and fell to the carpet. The new carpet that Valkyrie and Tanith had put in after the candle incident. It was deep red and matched the dark fabric of the couches.

"Okay, so vines for the challenge?" Tanith clapped her hands together.

"I have no idea, umm, umm - ooh the girl getting water poured on her face when she's asleep then she wakes up and goes 'hello'," Valkyrie said.

Tanith typed out a paraphrased version of what Valkyrie had said.

"Hmm," Tanith pressed her lips together, "how about … the one where … maybe the one … ooh the kids in the car and 'A Thousand Miles' comes on, they freak out and scream."

"Sure," Valkyrie said.

Tanith typed it out.

"They were roommates," Valkyrie said.

"Oh my god they were roommates," Tanith said as she typed it out.

* * *

"Five hours later," Valkyrie said, mimicking the spongebob voice over.

"We have our list," Tanith said and scrolled right through the list to the bottom, then back up to the top.

"How many do we need the car for because we should do them first?" Valkyrie asked.

"One, two, three," Tanith counted, pointing to the corresponding vines on the list.

"Okay. Ones we need other locations for?"

"Only one."

"Tomorrow we gather all the supplies we're going to need, like the jam and plastic spoons, and setting up the music."

* * *

"Y'ello," Fletcher lazily answered his phone.

"We need your help," Valkyrie said.

"Vines?"

"Yup."

"Which one?"

"There's a few…"

* * *

09:59

"Twelve hours start…. Now!"

Valkyrie and Tanith shot out of the front door. Fletcher teleported out and met them as all three speed walked to the car.

"First up, we've got three to do in the car," Valkyrie said.

"We'll do the first two now and the third on the way back," Tanith continued.

"Way back from where?" Fletcher asked.

"Krispy Kreme."

"Back at it again at Krispy Kreme," Fletcher quoted.

"Now is not the time. First up - I'm in My Mum's Car. I'm in the car, Tanith's the mum, you're the camera man," Valkyrie instructed, her words blurring together slightly as she spoke urgently.

Valkyrie clambered into the car, Fletcher got in the passenger seat.

"Put the camera into selfie mode and I'll hit the start button. You finish it after I go 'broom broom'."

"Got it." Fletcher carried out his task.

Valkyrie pressed the button to record and returned her hands to the steering wheel in time to begin. Valkyrie looked into the camera.

"I'm in my mum's car," Valkyrie put on as close to a Yorkshire accent as she could and moved the steering wheel as much as she could, "broom, broom."

Fletcher stopped the recording.

"We'll do scene three now then you get out and do Tanith's scene, ready, begin!" Valkyrie hit record again.

"Awww," Valkyrie said sadly.

Fletcher stopped filming. He teleported out the car and reappeared beside Tanith.

"Ready?"

"Yas, say action just before you start," Tanith said.

"Action," Fletcher began filming.

Tanith smiled into the camera before speaking, "Get out me car."

Fletcher stopped filming.

"Perfect, let's go!" Tanith went to run to the car then stopped, "oh Fletcher?"

"Yes?" Fletcher asked slowly.

"For the next one you need to lie on the dashboard of the car."

Fletcher shrugged. "Okay."

* * *

Fletcher bent his legs slightly and pressed himself backwards against the glass to get both Valkyrie and Tanith on the screen. He was wedged in against the front windshield, lying on his side on the dashboard of Valkyrie's car. To say it was uncomfortable was an understatement.

Valkyrie began playing the music, 'A Thousand Miles' by Vanessa Carlton.

Fletcher began filming.

"I'm having a bad, I'm having a bad day," Tanith said

Valkyrie slowly opened her mouth in joyful surprise.

"It's our song! It's our song" Tanith cheered.

Valkyrie screamed.

Fletcher stopped filming.

"I think you almost cracked the windshield with that scream. Very… high," Fletcher joked. He disappeared and reappeared on the back seat of the car.

Valkyrie started the car and took off, speeding down the driveway.

"Speed limits!" Fletcher squeaked. "And seatbelts!"

"They're just for guidance," Valkyrie said as they tore down the road towards Dublin. Fletcher grabbed his seatbelt and clipped it in.

* * *

10:45

"I never knew there actually was a Krispy Kreme here," Tanith said, "I just assumed we'd use some other shop and pretend it was Krispy Kreme."

Valkyrie pulled into the car park and turned hard to the right, nabbing a parking space from a man in a van who was about to turn in.

"It only opened in September," Valkyrie said parking the car. The van blew it's horn at them and drove on past.

"So do I actually have the break the sign?" Tanith asked.

"They might not have one," Fletcher said.

"We only get one shot at this so try and hit it without breaking it. First we buy some donuts though."

* * *

11:15

"That took a llloooonnng while," Valkyrie slipped into the table Fletcher and Tanith had saved for them and set two boxes on the table.

"We have six Reese's Peanut Butter, six Dublin Sprinkles, six Raspberry Glazed, six Apple Pie, six Nutty Chocolatta, six Salted Caramel Cheesecake, six Lotus Caramelised Biscoff and six Winter Berry," Valkyrie listed.

"How much did that cost?" Fletcher asked warily.

"€50. You get twenty four donuts for €25 euro. I bought fourty eight donuts so two lot of twenty for twenty five gives you forty eight for fifity" Valkyrie said.

"I don't understand what you just said but here's €20," Tanith slapped a twenty note onto the table.

Valkyrie pocketed it.

"I have fifteen euro," Fletcher said and dug it out of his pocket.

"Keep it. We're paying you for your service in donuts," Valkyrie said.

"Sounds good to me. Now can we eat?" Fletcher asked.

"We'll do the vine first so if we get kicked out we can take our donuts and leave," Valkyrie said. "Oh look Tanith there's sign."

Valkyrie handed Tanith a krispy kreme napkin and Tanith stole a glance at the sign. It was high up. Really high up.

Tanith held the napkin up and Valkyrie began filming.

"Back at it again at krispy kreme," Tanith said staring into the camera.

Valkyrie stopped filming. Tanith set down he napkin, got up and walked to the side of the store. The area was clear, the sign was there. Just flip, flip, flip.

Fletcher nodded to Tanith and Valkyrie began filming.

Tanith flipped over backwards. She flipped again. And again. Tanith flipped and twisted her body in the air, her foot brushing against the sign. She landed on her feet.

People applauded. People grumbled. Tanith took a bow and a few more people joined in the clapping. The applause faded out quickly as a balding man with 'manager' on his name tag approached Tanith.

"As impressive as that was I have to ask you to leave," the manager said.

"I completely understand," Tanith said nodding her head solemnly.

"Can I get your name first?" The manager asked.

Tanith gave a thumbs up to Valkyrie and Fletcher.

"Low," Tanith said, "Tanith Low."

* * *

11:35

Dig through the ditches

And burn through the witches

I slam in the back of my Dragula!

Valkyrie and Tanith sang along to the music. Fletcher sat in the back discreetly filming them headbanging their heads to the side in time to the music on his phone.

Dig through the ditches

And burn through the witches

I slam in the back of my Dragula!

Tanith turned off the music at the end of the song

"Time for vine three!" Valkyrie cheered.

Tanith picked up Valkyrie's phone and pulled a jar of jam out from under her seat.

"Was that there the whole time?" Fletcher asked.

"You mean if my favouritest jam in the whole world was loving stored away under a car seat the entire journey? Yes. Yes it was," Tanith said.

"Siri, play 'Don't Stop Believing' by Journey!" Valkyrie instructed. Valkyrie's phoned did as they requested.

Tanith began filming as the song began playing from the car's speakers via bluetooth.

"Ooh this is my jam," Tanith said.

"This is my jam," Tanith help up the jar, "Turn off that song."

Valkyrie turned the volume right down.

"This is my jam." Tanith kissed the jar and stopping filming.

"Can I pick a song now?" Fletcher asked.

"As long as it's in the Approved Car Songs™ playlist," Valkyrie said.

"Can I ask Siri to play it?"

"You may."

"Siri, play 'Henrietta' by the Fratellis."

"Remember Larrikin dancing to Chelsea Dagger?" Tanith asked.

Valkyrie laughed.

"He was really good at the can can dance they do in the video," Valkyrie said.

"Then he threw himself in the hot tub," Tanith added.

"Then he threw himself in the hot tub," Valkyrie repeated

"Larrikin threw himself in a hot tub?" Fletcher repeated.

"At Saracen's place in Funchal. Anton had to drag him out by his ankles," Valkyrie said.

"And then he left him on the grass. Mr Angry-Flabby-Portuguese-Neighbour- Man was not happy about the noise."

"Mr Angry-Flabby-Portuguese-Neighbour- Man?"

"We'll show you the video later."

12:00

One slow car ride home stuck behind a tractor later, Valkyrie shoved the front door shut and ran into the house.

"We have ten hours left," Tanith announced, slamming the front door shut startling Xena in the kitchen. "Time for vine number four!"

"Which is….?" Fletcher asked.

"Very tall man dancing to Hollaback girl," Valkyrie said, "or very small Tanith dancing to Hollaback girl."

"I'm over 5 foot 5!" Tanith defended.

"Exactly," Valkyrie said, "small."

"Fuck you."

"You have a boyfriend."

Tanith stuck her middle finger up and walked up the wall, onto the ceiling and stood upside down.

"Fletcher, can you put the music on your phone?"

"Sure," Fletcher took out his phone, opened up Youtube and searched up 'Hollaback girl'.

"That one," Valkyrie pointed to a lyric video, "set it to 38 seconds then pause it."

Fletcher did as she asked.

Valkyrie held up her phone.

"Action!" Valkyrie began filming and Fletcher played the music.

Tanith flipped down off the ceiling and slid on the rug, falling backwards with a thud.

"My tailbone!" Tanith cried. Valkyrie stopped filming.

"I honestly thought that was going to fail," Valkyrie said cheerily , "and I was right. Up you get Tanith."

Tanith groaned and got to her feet.

"Up you go," Valkyrie said.

Tanith groaned and climbed up the wall, one foot in front of the other, taking her time.

"Re-set the music Fletcher," Valkyrie instructed.

"Right-o," Fletcher put the music back to 38 seconds and paused it.

Valkyrie held up her phone.

"Action!" Valkyrie called out.

Fletcher pressed play and Tanith flipped down from the ceiling.

She stood, legs apart, held her hands together with her arms above her head and moved her hips side to side.

Tanith dropped her arms, rested her hands on her hips and strutted forward like a model on a catwalk. She dropped forward on one knee and pressed her hands down on her thigh. She balanced on the balls of her feet and opened out her legs and held her arms out wide. She pulled in her arms and moved her legs in and out, waving one arm.

Valkyrie stopped filming.

"Cut," Valkyrie said.

Fletcher stopped the music.

"I didn't actually know what was going on there," Fletcher admitted.

"That's alright Fletcher," Valkyrie said reassuringly, "we assumed that. Next - welcome to chilis, starring our very own Fletcher Sheffield Renn."

"I am honoured," Fletcher bowed his head. He lifted his head back up. "Hi, welcome to chilis."

"I have a pair of grey shorts you can borrow," Valkyrie said.

"Alright. Is there a dressing room?"

"The bathroom," Tanith replied.

"Oh wow, my own dressing room!" Fletcher squealed, "you guys are the best!"

"I love how he said nothing about you giving him the middle name 'Sheffield'," Tanith whispered to Valkyrie.

"I know right?"

* * *

12:06

"This one is all you Fletcher. You've got this," Valkyrie said.

Tanith patted Fletcher's shoulder.

Fletcher began filming. The screen showed the bathroom in a sweep of silence before Fletcher turned the camera to the bathroom mirror. A Fletcher, in grey shorts with blonde hair holding a mobile phone stared back at him in the reflection. He looked ridiculous.

"Hi, welcome to Chilis!" Fletcher stopped filming and burst out laughing.

Valkyrie opened the bathroom door.

"You guys, I was so close to laughing. I look freaking ridiculous," Fletcher laughed.

"We weren't going to say anything but you do," Tanith said nonchalantly

* * *

12:08

"What's next?" Fletcher asked flopping down onto the couch, now back in his normal clothes.

"I'm washing me and my clothes," Valkyrie replied.

"Oooh!"

"Tanith run the bath!"

Tanith ran off upstairs. Footsteps thudded across the wall and ceiling. The pipes creaked and distant running water echoed from the bathroom. Footsteps thumped from upstairs.

"Valkyrie!"

Valkyrie looked up the the stairs, Tanith was hanging upside down from the ceiling above the stairs.

"Yas?"

"There's no hot water."

"You can do it in cold," Fletcher suggested.

"And you can stick your head in an evil American sink," Valkyrie retorted.

"You mean a garbage disposal?" Tanith asked.

"That's what they're called," Valkyrie breathed, "They're evil."

"They are," Fletcher agreed.

"So what do we do?" Tanith asked.

"Stick on the immersion and we'll do others while we wait for some warm water," Valkyrie said.

"Oki."

Tanith disappeared.

"What one are we doing next?" Fletcher asked.

"Let me consult Tanith's list," Valkyrie darted into the living room, leaped onto the desk chair and slid gracefully into the computer desk. Valkyrie loaded up the computer.

"I love your desktop," Fletcher said.

The desktop screen was still Valkyrie's favourite picture - Skulduggery in his oversized, knitted, olive green, v-neck jumper and black crocs.

"What are those?" Fletcher pointed to Skulduggery's crocs.

"We're planning on doing that one," Valkyrie clicked into google chrome, "but we have a few others we're wanting to do with Skulduggery. For now we're going to comical lengths to avoid telling him what 'vines' are."

Valkyrie opened up google sheets.

"Why?"

"I don't actually know. It's just funny."

"Okay."

Valkyrie opened a spreadsheet titled "Vines" and scrolled down.

Fletcher scanned over the list of vines.

"Oh my god they were roommates," Fletcher breathed.

"We'll do that one," Valkyrie said. She took a deep breath.

"What are you doing?" Fletcher asked worriedly.

"TANITH! WE FOUND OUR VINE!"

"Christ on a cracker with cheese on top!" Fletcher jumped.

Valkyrie looked to him innocently.

"What?"

* * *

12:11

"Annd go!" Tanith shouted.

Valkyrie walked past.

"And they were roommates," Valkyrie said.

"Oh my god it was not recording," Fletcher said flatly.

"Really?" Valkyrie stopped and stared, hands on her hips.

Tanith flicked Fletcher's head.

"Hey!" Fletcher protested.

"We have limited time here Fletcher. No room for fuck ups," Tanith said.

"You slipped on a rug," Fletcher said.

"But I did it epically," Tanith said.

"Go again," Valkyrie sighed and began walking to her starting point.

Fletcher put the phone camera back to facing out.

"Go!" Tanith shouted.

Valkyrie began walking and Fletcher began walking.

"And they were roommates," Valkyrie said.

Fletcher switched the camera to selfie mode.

"Oh my god they were roommates," Fletcher said.

Fletcher stopped filming.

"It's all good!" Tanith called out.

"Yay!" Valkyrie took her sunglasses off and tossed up in the air. They landed somewhere in the long grass of the garden.

"Ah fuck! Guys I need to find my sunglasses!" Valkyrie ran over to the grass and dropped to her knees. Tanith shot over to help her and dove forward onto the grass, splatting onto her belly.

Fletcher pocketed Valkyrie's phone and teleported over to Valkyrie and Tanith crawling in the grass searching for the sunglasses.

* * *

13:28

"Valkyrie! Bath's run!"

Tanith swished her hand under the water.

"Whoo!" Valkyrie ran into the bathroom in bare feet, atraciously patterned leggings and a bright blue hoodie.

"I couldn't find a pink one so blue will do," Valkyrie said, "also Fletcher had to go so it's just us now."

" Okay. Your hoodie's close enough, into the tub with you," Tanith waved her hand over the bath.

Valkyrie stepped into the bath and sat down in the water.

"Why do clothes feel so weird in the water?"

"Because it is going against the natural order of Ocean-Kind," Tanith said matter of factly.

"Hmm," Valkyrie wriggled in the water, sending little waves sploshing against the side of the bath.

"You ready?" Tanith asked.

"I'm ready," Valkyrie said.

"Action!"

Valkyrie mumbled something Tanith couldn't understand

"She in the tub," Tanith said.

"I'm washing me and my clothes," Valkyrie slurred.

"She drunk as fuck."

"Bitch, I'm washing me and my clothes," Valkyrie crossed her arms over herself.

Tanith stopped filming.

* * *

14:20

Valkyrie checked the chamber of the gun. One bullet left. One take to get it right. Tanith was already sitting on the couch and had been for the last, Valkyrie checked her watch, forty minutes. The aim was to have Tanith relaxed enough that her reaction would be semi-genuine. Or as genuine as a staged video with a script could be.

Valkyrie crept into the sitting room. Tanith sat casually scrolling through her phone. Valkyrie held up her phone in selfie mode and began filming. Valkyrie cocked the gun and shot the bullet into the ceiling.

Tanith leapt up and fell forward onto the floor. She turned her head and angrily pointed to Valkyrie.

"This is why mom doesn't fucking love you!"

Valkyrie stopped filming.

"My mama loves me," Valkyrie said smiling happily.

"I haven't seen mine in years," Tanith said. She leapt up to her feet. "Time for the next vine! I was thinking the one where you pour an entire bottle of water on my face?"

"I'm down for that. Time to drown Tanith Xena!"

Xena gave no reaction from the kitchen.

"You probably scared her with the gunshot."

"My poor baby!"

* * *

14:25

Valkyrie began filming and poured the entire contents of the bottle of water over Tanith's face. Tanith's only reaction was the slight fluttering of her eyelashes.

Tanith sat up sleepily and asked "hello?"

Valkyrie stopped filming.

"That was easy," Valkyrie said.

Tanith blinked at her, water running down her face and her hair.

* * *

14:30

"I think we need to go to the Sanctuary for this one. Get in at rush hour and yeet a can into the crowd," Valkyrie said.

Tanith stared at her, hair wrapped in a towel. Tanith blinked slowly.

"Okay!" Tanith leapt up and threw off the towel.

"Let's go!" Valkyrie shot off out the car, Tanith right behind her.

* * *

15:35

Valkyrie and Tanith let themselves get swept up in a crowd of sorcerers making their way down the Sanctuary corridor. The pair shared a look.

"Let's do this," Valkyrie whispered.

"Who get's the honour?" Tanith asked.

"I give you the honour. Also if you hit someone you have a better chance of escaping than I do. You can walk on ceilings."

"And climb through air vents. I once pulled off a successful escape mission involving two petunias, a cat and an air vent."

"What the… nevermind."

Valkyrie took out her phone and held it up.

"Action," Tanith whispered.

Valkyrie pulled out an empty can of juice and held it out before beginning to film.

"Hey Tanith you want some?"

Tanith took the can from Valkyrie.

"This bitch empty," Tanith launched the can down the corridor, "Yeet!"

Valkyrie stopped filming.

"Oh fuck I hit Ravel, gotta go!" Tanith slipped off to the side and bolted down the corridor. Two grey Cleavers chased after her.

Valkyrie continued along in the crowd. Tanith would be fine. She's Tanith. Although, she's Tanith.

* * *

18:22

Ghastly and Tanith arrived at Grimwood with Tanith grinning and cheering.

"What happened?" Valkyrie asked. She'd heard nothing for almost three hours until Ghastly called her and said he was taking Tanith back to hers.

"I got stuck in an air vent, crashed through a ceiling, landed on Tipstaff and got chased through the Sanctuary by Cleavers before Larrikin hid me in a secret cupboard. We hung out for an hour before commencing a secret mission to sneak me out of the Sanctuary but we got caught so we had to trick Weeper or whatever his name is into letting us go but then we caught again so we hung out in a cell for another hour until Ghastly let us go."

"Right," Valkyrie nodded, "what was Larrikin doing in the Sanctuary? I thought he was travelling with Anton? Did Anton kick him out? That's mean. Larrikin is the best. Ooh he can come stay with us!"

"We have no idea what Larrikin was doing," Ghastly said.

"Shudder told me Larrikin once confessed while drunk that he pretends to be a ghost in one of the Sanctuary bathrooms," Tanith said, "I think that's what he was doing."

"Anyway," Valkyrie clapped her hands together, "now that Ghastly's here - you ready for another vine."

"Yay, Ghastly you can finally join us in one of our vines!" Tanith flung her arms around Ghastly.

"What do I have to do?" Ghastly asked.

* * *

18:26

Ghastly and Tanith sat facing each other, Tanith had her arms around Ghastly's neck and Ghastly had his hands resting on Tanith's sides.

"Action!" Valkyrie called out.

"What the fuck is this allowed? What the fuck is this allowed?" Valkyrie pointed at Tanith and Ghastly.

Tanith turned around.

"Stop."

Valkyrie stopped filming.

"Did you know that in the video the guy's apparently a mannequin?" Valkyrie asked.

"I didn't actually," Tanith said.

18:32

"Dinner break?"

"Dinner break."

* * *

20:15

"Take care now, bye," Valkyrie shut the door behind the fireman.

Long story short the spaghetti set on fire.

Neither on them knew how it happened, but it happened. And it was a complete and utter mess. Valkyrie dumped water on it which somehow made it worse, then she tripped while trying to hit it out and knocked the pan of flaming spaghetti onto the floor. Meanwhile Tanith was upstairs blaring Rasputin to annoy the weird man camped in the never-used camping field owned by the farmer across the road.

It was like a renaissance painting.

Valkyrie lying on the floor surrounded by smoke and burning spaghetti while Tanith danced around downstairs unaware of what was going on until the smoke alarm went off.

The fire fighters came, extinguished the fire and Tanith ordered Chinese takeaway.

"Today has been eventful," Tanith remarked watching the fire engine disappear behind the hedge lined road.

"Hasn't it just. And we've still got two vines to do."

"Let's finish eating first," Tanith said.

"Agreed."

* * *

20:45

Tanith held up Valkyrie's phone.

"Action!"

Valkyrie began walking towards the camera.

"I don't care about my haters and if you want to fight me," Valkyrie held up her fists, "then fight me."

Tanith stopped filming.

* * *

20:50

"Where's the plastic spoons?" Tanith stared down into the drawer Valkyrie said the plastic spoons were in.

"They're not there?"

"Nope."

"Fuck. One second."

Valkyrie ran into kitchen.

"I have no plastic spoons."

"Emergency road trip?"

"Emergency road trip."

* * *

21:33

"I love how it never occurred to us to just do another vine," Tanith said, shutting the car door.

"We said we'd do it so we're doing it. We're determined," Valkyrie said.

"Race you to the house?"

Valkyrie bolted to the front door, Tanith reaching it just in front of her.

"I win," Tanith grinned.

* * *

21:35

Tanith stuck the plastic spoons over her eyes.

"Action!" Valkyrie said.

Tanith turned around.

"Hi I'm sorry I didn't see you there I too busy, mmm blocking out the haters."

"Nice one," Valkyrie said.

"Time to get them all up on the computer?"

"I'll get the leftover donuts, you get the computer loaded up," Valkyrie said.

* * *

21:45

"Tanith! We only have fifteen minutes! And we have two videos to edit!"

A scream rang out.

Cian tightened his grip on the gun. Something was going on in that house.

Another scream sounded.

Cian crept closer, the sigil in his chest burning with more intensity every step he took. This house was protected by China Sorrows, she knew what she was doing. It was her who had given Cian the sigil to bypass her own defenses. Cian got to the window. He peeked through the glass. Valkyrie Cain and Tanith Low were sat by a computer. Tanith hunched up on the desk chair like Gollum, Valkyrie bouncing up and down on the armchair.

"Hurry!" Tanith slammed the keyboard.

"Load useless technology!" Valkyrie yelled.

The screen loaded.

Both girls gave a cheer. Tanith clicked about the screen.

A loud click sounded behind Cian. Cian snapped his head around and stared down the barrel of a gun. The gun of Skulduggery Pleasant.

" _You_ , should not be here," Skulduggery said.

Skulduggery had been a monumental pain in everyone's arse for the last few years, busting people and ridiculing their name. What was wrong with Bloodcats? He blamed China Sorrows. Skulduggery was bound to have noticed China was involved in something, and her husband didn't seem that trustworthy, Brent Callaghan. What a stupid name.

Cian lifted his gun.

Skulduggery fired his one, the bullet narrowly missing Cian.

"Cian Even, you're under arrest."

10:00

Tanith hit save on the final video.

"It's completed."

"We are awesome."

Tanith's phone buzzed.

Tanith answered it.

"Hello?"

"Hi, uh, Miss Low?"

"Who's asking?" Tanith looked to Valkyrie and put her phone on speaker.

"It's um, Craig MacAteer, manager of Krispy Kreme, we spoke earlier?"

"Oh yeah, manager guy. No hard feelings about earlier, I enjoyed every single donut I ate in the car on the way home."

"It was said by a couple of my younger staff that you re-created an internet video?"

"That is correct," Tanith said.

"I, um, was wondering if you would be willing to do that again for an official TV advert?"

Tanith looked wide eyed and opened mouthed to Valkyrie.

Valkyrie nodded enthusiastically.

"That would be great! I would love too," Tanith replied.

"One thing, um, can you, uh do an Irish accent?"

"Aye, I can do a pretty good Irish accent," Tanith replied in a fake Irish accent.

"That's perfect, sorry to be calling so late, I'll be in touch with the details."

The man hung up.

"How did he get my number?" Tanith asked.

Valkyrie shrugged.

"Do you think you'll get free donuts for doing that? Valkyrie asked.

"I hope so. They're damn good donuts."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next Valkyrie decides to see if banana peels really are that slippy...
> 
> No shoutouts, know the language send it in, any requests send them in, the usual.
> 
> Has anyone else recreated vines?
> 
> We've done 'When Mom's not Home', the 'Pour some Sugar' with the sweets getting dropped on the dog (it's up on my tumblr nolder-elf-who-likes-cookies the video's up there somewhere) and we tried 'Sand Guardian' but the hole started filling with water so we gave up and tried to sacrifice my sister to Cthulhu. You get some weird looks walking to the beach carrying shovels I'll tell you that...
> 
> The pour some sugar reenactment is also available on YouTube along with "The Vines of Valkyrie and Tanith" playlist.
> 
> Here's the link to the video add it after youtube dot com
> 
> /watch?v=8imE7kFahmA&feature=
> 
> And here's the link to the playlist
> 
> /watch?v=xO4LaAHJqxw&list=PLSAS_y0K0Csgfr0lbaA0n8yuzO-WhTWo2
> 
> Until next time, Kwaheri


	34. Banana Peel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by KenrickMNP

"Hey, Tanith?" Valkyrie said, as she kicked her living room door open. She first glanced at the couch, then cast her eyes to the ceiling, where Tanith sat.

"Yeah?" Tanith replied.

"I know what Vine we can do next. Provided you aren't too vined-out from our challenge?"

Tanith hopped down, brushed her hair away from her eyes and looked at Valkyrie.

"Obviously not. I'm still so impressed by us though. How many did we manage? Wasn't it like fourteen? fifteen?"

"Thirteen. You were close. Anyway, today do you want to do 'I have banana peel on the ground and I'm gonna see if it's slippery like it is in the cartoons,' and then he does the crazy scream?"

"Holy crumbs yes. I've always wanted to see if that experiment actually works," Tanith said, "we'll need to go buy a banana though…"

"No, I have bananas in the fruit bowl," said Valkyrie

"You have a fruit bowl? Nerd."

"Hey, don't dis the fruit bowl. It's healthy."

"Healthiness? Nerd."

Valkyrie rolled her eyes. "Come on, we'll do it now."

"Yup. To the kitchen!"

They marched to the kitchen in an over dramatic fashion.

"Banana!" Valkyrie said, and chucked the banana to Tanith.

"Why am I the one standing on the banana peel?"

"You said you wanted to try the experiment," Valkyrie said.

"I said I want to see if it works," corrected Tanith, "I never said anything about being the subject of it."

"But you're fine with me slipping?"

"I mean… That makes it sound mean."

"But it's true?" Valkyrie asked.

"Yeah…" Tanith nodded slowly.

"Unbelievable."

"Pretty believable." Tanith threw the banana back at Valkyrie.

"Do you want to eat the banana?"

"Ooh yeah, pass it here."

Valkyrie threw the banana back to Tanith. Before peeling it, she went to a cupboard and took out kitchen foil.

"Do you have brown sugar?" Tanith asked.

"Uh, yes," Valkyrie said, frowning in puzzlement, as she went to another cupboard to retrieve a bag of brown sugar. She couldn't remember the last time she used it, but it was edible. "Why exactly is it necessary?"

"You don't expect me to eat an actual banana on it's own, do you?"

"Yes. That's what most people do."

"Oh well, I'm not most people." Tanith laid out a sheet of foil, then peeled the banana and placed it on the sheet. She then took out a spoon and heaped sugar on the banana and proceeded to wrap the foil around it.

"Ta-da!" Tanith said, holding the foil banana in the air. "Switch on the grill, would you?"

"I'm regretting letting you eat the banana," Valkyrie said in envy as she switched on the oven grill.

"Snooze you lose. Hey, I can make you one if you want?"

"I think we should get the Vine done first."

"Oh yeah, that's why we're through here," Tanith said. She laughed, "I forgot. Oh hey, question: are we doing the vine, or are we doing the full video?"

"I don't know. I mean we are supposed to be recreating vines, but the build up in the full version makes it funnier."

"In that case we should do the full version," Tanith said. "Besides, it's not as if there are any rules to all this."

"True. Okay, what do we need?"

Valkyrie took her phone out and sat it on the kitchen counter.

"Phone- check," she said.

"Banana peel," Tanith said, laying the peel next to the phone. "Ooh, a cup of water."

Valkyrie stuck up her thumb and got a glass, then began filling it with water.

"Actually, it would be wiser if I used a plastic cup, wouldn't it?" suggested Valkyrie.

"Yeah. It would also be more accurate to the video."

"That's right… but I don't want to admit defeat, so we're going with the glass." Valkyrie firmly set the glass next to the peel and the phone. "How are we filming it?" Valkyrie asked, "I was thinking just lean my phone against the wall here." She tapped her fingers against the counter where it met the wall, just behind the gas cooker. "But then you don't have anything to do."

"I'll just sit back and watch," Tanith said, "besides, my banana will be ready soon."

"So we'll just do that?"

"Sounds good to me."

"Excellent," Valkyrie said. She set her phone up the way she said she would. Then she picked it up again, put it on selfie mode, and set it back up, so that she could see what was being filmed. "How does this look?" She asked.

Tanith came over and looked at the screen. "Hmm," she said. "I know!" She wandered over to the fruit bowl, tipped out what was left in it, despite Valkyrie's brief protests, and set it on the counter in front of the phone, shifting it forward a little until it was just right. "Have the fruit bowl there, and the water…here," she slid the glass of water over.

"That looks about right," Valkyrie said.

"Now you just do your thing."

"Right." Valkyrie stood in front of the camera while Tanith retreated to the corner and sat on the floor. Valkyrie set the banana peel on the ground and tested it with her foot a little. She sighed and looked at Tanith apprehensively, who replied with a slightly deranged smile. Valkyrie leaned forward and pressed record. "I have banana peel on the ground and I'm gonna see if it's slippery like it is in the cartoons."

A smile spread across Tanith's lips as she watched Valkyrie prod the banana peel with her foot.

Valkyrie stood to the side a little, and said "I'm a little scared," to the camera. She winced, in fact it was more of a frightened wink, then stepped on it, "ehh, it-" and her foot slipped out from under her, about half a sentence too early, then she crashed to the ground, landing right on her hip.

"I knew that was going to happen!" Tanith cheered.

"Ow…"

"Yeah, I can imagine, 'ow'"

"Yup," Valkyrie groaned as she stood up. "Ow." She moved the banana peel back to the original spot on the floor, and eyed it cautiously as if it were about to spring up and attack her. Valkyrie stopped recording, and stood in front of it, readying herself to try again.

"Hold on," Tanith said. She stood up and went to the grill. She reached in with her bare hands and took out the foil banana. "Ohh, that's hot!" She swapped hands, "ah," she swapped hands again, "ow," she swapped hands, "ee! I would- ow- really appreciated -oof!- a plate right now- eek!"

Valkyrie leaped towards another cupboard and produced a shallow bowl instead.

"Thank- you," Tanith said, still swapping the banana from hand to hand, until she dropped it onto the dish. She shook her hands manically, trying to cool them down, while Valkyrie watched in perplexed amusement. When Tanith's hands stopped buzzing in pain, she went to the freezer and took out a tub of ice cream.

"My ice cream," Valkyrie complained.

"I'll pay you back," Tanith said. She then went to the cutlery drawer and produced a fork and a spoon, then used the fork to gently unwrap the banana, revealing a glistening gold cooked piece of fruit. The brown sugar had melted, and mostly gathered in the bottom of the foil, seeping into the creases. But what was left formed a syrup on top of the steaming banana. Tanith breathed in the sweet smell and sighed.

"I hate you…" Valkyrie said, staring at the banana.

"I don't." Tanith tipped the banana and as much of the melted sugar as she could into the bowl and discarded the foil, then dropped three scoops of ice cream into the bowl alongside the banana.

"When we finish this vine. You are making me one."

"I will, don't worry. Get on with the vine," Tanith stuffed her mouth with ice cream and banana, "You want me to start recording?" she mumbled.

"Yes…" Valkyrie said disheartenedly.

Tanith did so, a bit of melted ice cream almost dribbling out of her mouth. She stuck up her thumb, and silently picked up her bowl and spoon, then returned to her corner.

"I have banana peel on the ground and I'm gonna see if it's slippery like it is in the cartoons." She bobbed around on her feet, edging to the side. "I'm a little scared." She winced. "Ehhh. It's not…" This time, her foot slid on purpose. She reached out to the counter for support and exclaimed in surprise. "It is slippery," she said. She straightened up. "I thought it'd be like... really bad. Ah I'm disappointed. It's really like, not that-" Valkyrie slipped again. She reached out for the glass of water, but didn't catch it. Tanith heard the beginning of the word fuck before Valkyrie landed and the glass smashed, spilling water everywhere. Valkyrie lay on the floor as water spread towards her. Tanith sat in the corner finishing her ice cream.

* * *

"I did say we should use a plastic cup," Tanith said as she dropped the last of the broken glass in the bin.

"I know, and in future I'll be sure to take your word." Valkyrie kneeled on the floor with a towel mopping up the water.

"Good. Now, do you have a plastic cup?"

"I think so," Valkyrie said as she stood up and discarded the wet heavy towel, "I got one in a McDonalds happy meal once, but I pretty much never use it, so it's not with the others. I'll find it." Valkyrie raked through another cupboard, and produced a coloured cup. It looked like it was for an animated movie, but the picture had mostly faded, or been scratched off, so Tanith couldn't recognise which one.

"Cheese-and-rice. Have you been using it as sandpaper or something?" Tanith asked, "it looks like it's been through the wars."

"I know, it's only a few years old. Maybe some sort of creature that hates cups secretly lives in my kitchen."

Valkyrie and Tanith looked around suspiciously.

"I think we've gotten distracted," Tanith whispered.

* * *

"I have banana peel on the ground and I'm gonna see if it's slippery like it is in the cartoons," Valkyrie said, once more standing in front of the camera. She bobbed to the side, wincing at the camera, "I'm a little scared… Ehh, it's not…" her foot slid, and she put her arms out to support herself on the counter. She gasped, "it is slippery." She stood straight, opened her mouth to speak, and was interrupted by the sound of Tanith opening a bag of crisps. Valkyrie looked at her with a disbelieving glare. "Why are you eating my crisps. Why are you eating at all while we're filming?"

Tanith looked apologetic. "I get bored when I don't have a role. It's not my fault no one's invented crisp packets that are silent."

Valkyrie sighed. "Thanks Obama," then she stopped recording. "Okay, this time has to be perfect, because all your snacking is making me hungry, so no interuptions, right?"

Tanith nodded. "I got it. Before you start filming… Want a crisp?"

Valkyrie took a handful out of the bag.

* * *

I have banana peel on the ground and I'm gonna see if it's slippery like it is in the cartoons." Standing ever so slightly to the side, she said "I'm a little scared," then winced. "Ehh, It's not…" One foot slipped. She put her arms out, ready to grab the kitchen counter for support. A surprised face was slowly replaced with a delighted one. "It is slippery," Valkyrie said. She straightened up. "I thought it would be like," Valkyrie sighed lightly, still bobbing from one foot to the other and prodding the peel, "really bad." She was consistently looking down at the peel as she continued speaking. "Well I'm disappointed, it's really like, not that-"

And at the perfect moment, she slipped, making sure to bring the cup with her. Water flew through the air, in an arch, and she hit the ground with a hard, wet thud. She kept her foot in the air, and let out a cry.

"AAahhHuughh!"

Tanith covered her mouth to keep from laughing, and silently stepped towards the phone. Just before she stopped recording, Valkyrie let out the beginning of another cry of anguish.

"That was fricking brilliant," Tanith said as she handed Valkyrie her phone. Grinning, Valkyrie played the video. At the end, they both burst out laughing.

"Definitely brilliant," Valkyrie confirmed. "Now- get me a banana."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next, you need to press one to talk to Valkyrie. 
> 
> Any requests send them in, know the language send it in.
> 
> Until next time, slán


	35. AAAAAAA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by KenrickMNP

When Tanith walked into the living room she noticed the distinct absence of Valkyrie. For a moment she wondered if she was out, but then noticed the sound of sloshing water in the kitchen. She snuck over and opened the door quietly, finding Valkyrie standing over the sink washing some dishes, bobbing her head and tapping her feet to music that played from her earphones so loud that Tanith could hear it. Tanith grinned and moved forward. She knew there was a squeaky part of the floor somewhere in the kitchen, just in front of the door, but she wasn't sure which exact spot, so she stepped up onto the wall and crept around the doorframe. She saw Xena laying on the floor, who looked up at her with pricked ears. Tanith smiled at her, but held her index finger over her lips, telling Xena to keep quiet. Xena seemed to understand, because she didn't get up or whine excitedly, but she did keep her eyes on Tanith curiously. Tanith stepped onto the ceiling. She raised (or rather lowered) her hands until they hovered over Valkyrie's shoulders, then she clapped them down. Valkyrie squealed, and spun around, swiping with a knife she was washing. Tanith pulled away.

"Jesus Christ!" Valkyrie cried at the same time as Tanith shouted "cheese and rice!"

Taniths surprise was quickly replaced with a fit of laughter.

"I thought you were some sort of creepy guy! Don't sneak up on me like that," Valkyrie complained as she took the earphones out. Xena had stood up and was wagging her tail. Tanith hopped down from the ceiling, still laughing. "When did you get here? I didn't even hear you come in," Valkyrie asked.

"It serves you right for using headphones when you're home alone. What's the point in that? Anyway it doesn't matter. I came because I'm bored. Can we do a vine?"

"Sure," Valkyrie said, as she took a towel to her hands, shaking her head in disbelief, "we haven't done one in a while. "Did you have one in mind?" She left the dished unfinished and they moved through to the living room.

Tanith considered. "Maybe… Hold on. Uhh."

"I'll take that as a no. Let's do an easy one. One that doesn't involve either of us getting maimed or injured. What about that funny battery one?"

"Aaah," Tanith moaned.

"Is that a yes?"

"Aaah!"

"Good."

"Aaaah!"

"We'll need batteries," Valkyrie said.

* * *

"So I assume we're just going to film in the shop?" Tanith asked. They were driving along the road, heading for the nearest supermarket.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure the original Vine is filmed in a shop, and it's best to save money," Valkyrie said. "Let's just hope the staff there don't take offense."

* * *

It was raining when they parked outside the shop, so they rushed inside. Tanith picked up a basket.

"What do you need that for?" Valkyrie asked, "we don't need to buy anything, we're just filming a few packs of batteries."

Tanith looked at the basket in her hand. "That's true, Valkyrie. We don't need anything, but that won't stop me from buying unnecessary biscuits, energy drinks, etcetera anyway."

Valkyrie laughed and shook her head. "Come on," she said.

They strolled along the aisles, looking down all the shelves for electronics. Tanith had already thrown a tube of pringles and two packets of haribo into the basket. They knew the batteries wouldn't be in the toy aisle, so they made to walk past it, but then Valkyrie spotted something.

"Oh my god. Tanith, follow me," Valkyrie said. She jogged down past the boxes of lego and stacks of action figures, then stood in front of the Star Wars products. She picked up a lightsaber, and flung the blue blade out.

"Holy shit," Tanith breathed. She sat the basket down, then picked up her own lightsaber. It was also blue. They each looked around cautiously, making sure no onlookers were around and then ran at each other, hitting the plastic tubes against the other, making continual hollow clattering. They swiped and dodged, until Valkyrie ducked under Taniths lightsaber, then spun around and whacked her on the ankle. Tanith kneeled on the ground, and Valkyrie stood over her.

"It's over Anakin, I have the high ground!" Valkyrie said dramatically.

"You underestimate my power," Tanith responded, then she let out a battle cry and leaped over Valkyrie.

Valkyrie was not expecting that.

She crouched down, ducking on instinct and dropping her lightsaber, anticipating a kick to the head that never came. When Tanith landed, she also lost her grip on her lightsaber, and hit the ground on her knees hard.

"Aah… Oww. I think I broke my Patellas," Tanith groaned.

"We should probably leave," Valkyrie whispered, realising how loud they had actually been.

They swiftly put their lightsabers back, then carried on their search for batteries. They passed the sports section; not an aisle, just a series of shelves facing the end of an aisle. Tanith said, "Hey Valkyrie, catch!"

Valkyrie thought it would be a football, so she spun around to whack it away with her hand. She was not expecting it to be a kettlebell, and therefore not expecting her hand to be met with a cold, hard plastic thing.

She howled in pain, and Tanith winced as the kettlebell crashed to the ground.

"Why the f-f-frick would you throw that at me?" Valkyrie hissed as she clutched her throbbing fingers.

"I told you to catch," Tanith said in an apologetic tone as she picked up the kettlebell. "Why did you hit it?"

"I thought it was gonna be a ball…"

"I feel like hitting a ball away would have caused more damage than this."

"Not to my fingers," Valkyrie moaned.

"Oh well, I was planning on getting some Ben & Jerry's anyway, we'll get you a bag of frozen peas."

"Thank you…" Valkyrie said weakly.

"Oooh, look! I think I see electric stuff!"

Tanith ran off, still holding the kettlebell yet abandoning the basket. Valkyrie stood in place, watching, until Tanith turned, ran back, put the kettlebell back, and picked up the basket. Then they both took off, towards the phone chargers, extension cables, and batteries.

"They've got double A's," Tanith said, skimming her eyes along, "they have triples, and they have quadruple A's!" Tanith cheered. "They're not even in order on the shelves, what kinda shop is this? We'll just rearrange them briefly." Tanith switched the batteries around, so that they were in order, while Valkyrie looked around to make sure there weren't any members of staff. There were surprisingly few people in general for it being a weekday afternoon.

"Righty-okey," Tanith said, "which one of us is going to be in the vine?"

"I was in the last one, so I think you should do it."

"I'm honoured. Your phone, please?"

Valkyrie passed Tanith her phone. Tanith opened the camera, and focused on the AA batteries. She began recording.

"Aah," Tanith moaned, kind of calmly. She moved the camera to the AAA's "Aaah," then she got to the AAAA's, and zoomed in, shaking the camera slightly "Aaaahh!"

She stopped recording.

"I think that was fine," she said cheerily, turning to Valkyrie.

"Someone's coming," Valkyrie said.

"Oh fuck nuggets," Tanith complained.

A tall bulky man, bald but bearded, and with tattoos covering his forearms, sauntered along the aisle towards them. He would have looked threatening, if not for the fleecy green body warmer he wore as a uniform.

He spoke with a broad Scottish accent, and in a deep, pissed off voice, "what do you think you're playing at, screaming up the shop like that?"

Tanith and Valkyrie shared a glance.

"Um," Tanith said. "Would you believe me if I said I was facetiming my great-grandmother who is too old to come to the shop, and was reading out the names of the batteries because she can't read very well?"

The man looked at her doubtfully, "you were facetiming your great-grandmother? Reading out the names of batteries? "

"Yes…"

"And you just had to speak so loudly?"

"She's very hard of hearing," Tanith said.

"You expect me to believe that?"

Tanith looked at Valkyrie slightly nervously. "Yes…?"

The scottish man studied her for a second, then briefly looked at Valkyrie. "Alright, fair-do." And he wandered off. Valkyrie and Tanith each let out a breath.

"For a second there I was expecting to leave with my arms removed from their sockets," Tanith said.

"Same. Now, let's watch the vine then go get some frozen peas."

* * *

The Vine was absolutely fine, so they bought some more snacks and drinks, plus the peas. Tanith drove on the way back so that Valkyrie could hold her hand against the peas, and with her free hand she fed Tanith pringles.

"You know, while it's sad that you hurt your finger," Tanith said, dropping some crumbs from her mouth and onto Valkyrie's car, "and it's sad that I sort of hurt my kneecaps. I feel like it's for the best. Somewhere in that shop, there is a person, whose job it is to sit in a CCTV room or whatever they're called, looking at people doing shopping all day long, and I can't help but think we've made their day a little better."

"That's very true," Valkyrie said. "Every day we do good deeds, like having toy lightsaber battles and playing catch with exercise equipment."

"Trying to play catch," Tanith corrected.

"Silence."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next, not sure but it is another chapter from KenrickMNP
> 
> I'm doing more work experience this week but I should get mine finished in time for next Wednesday.
> 
> Sorry this chapter is late, I was way too tired last night to post.
> 
> No shoutouts this week but if you know any languages used in previous chapters send it in in a review.
> 
> Any requests, feel free to send them in too
> 
> Until next time


	36. The Berry Saga

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by KenrickMNP

Valkyrie and Tanith sat in the living room in silence. Tanith was reading 'Salem's Lot, by Stephen King as she sat upside down, and Valkyrie was playing a game on her phone. She had originally downloaded it for Alice, but had become addicted to it after playing one level when she was bored. Suddenly though, she put her phone down.

"I forgot!" She announced excitedly. Tanith looked up questioningly as Valkyrie ran upstairs.

Tanith sat her book down, forgetting to put a bookmark in it, and watched Valkyrie run back in with a flower necklace. "Ta-da!" Valkyrie said, holding it up.

Tanith frowned, but then realised what the flower necklace was for when Valkyrie put it over her face rather than around her neck.

"Oh my god," Tanith said, pronouncing it like oh ma gauhhd. "Berries?" she asked.

"Berries," Valkyrie replied. "There's quite a few, so we can do all of them."

"Yes. There's like a whole saga. I don't think we'll do all of them though. Only the best ones."

"Which are?" Valkyrie asked.

"I have no idea. The grape one and the orange one come to mind first, we'll think about the other ones," Tanith said. "Which one of us is gonna be the star?"

"Well I have the flower thing. I think it should be me. Unless you want to do it, because your impression was pretty good. In which case it can still be me."

"Well I guess that's settled. You ready for the first one?"

"Yes. Which one is the first one?" Valkyrie asked.

"I don't actually know. The grape one or the orange one. Maybe the grape one?"

"I think the grape one," Valkyrie said, "however, I don't have any grapes. I do have oranges. Let's do that one first."

"I shall retrieve an orange for thee," Tanith said, then jogged to the fruit bowl and back, which really wasn't far enough to warrant her jogging. She held an orange in front of her in both hands, and presented it to Valkyrie as if it were a holy object. Valkyrie picked up the orange.

"Now- am I filming in selfie mode, or are you filming in normal mode?"

"I feel like it might be easier to have me doing it, even though I'm pretty sure the original vines are selfie."

"You can film," Valkyrie said, "so that you're not completely useless."

"I'm going to choose not to take offense at that. Your phone, please?" Tanith held out her hand and Valkyrie handed her her phone. "You know what you need to say?"

"Oh my god," Valkyrie said in the same voice as Tanith had, "I still haven't found my berries, but! I found this." Valkyrie held up the orange and licked it.

"It's a pity I didn't film that, it was pretty good."

"Well, you can film this time," Valkyrie waited for Tanith to bring the camera up to her face. Tanith stuck her thumb up to indicate she had begun filming. "Oh my god! I still haven't found my berries. But- I found this." Valkyrie held up the orange, Tanith pulled the camera away slightly, and Valkyrie licked the orange. Tanith stopped filming.

"That's a wrap!" Tanith said, "now- you don't have grapes. There's one with grapes. We need grapes."

"We should go buy some grapes," Valkyrie said, "but first, there's that one that's like 'Oh my god, you guys! I found my berries. I'm just kidding, I don't know where they are,' it would be more logical to do that one first."

"Bold of you to assume I ever do anything in the logical order. Let's go buy some grapes!"

* * *

"Grapes!" Tanith announced it boldly in the middle of the shop, getting an odd look from an old lady picking up a net of satsumas. "These ones are mouldy."

"Oh fudge nuggets. Should we tell someone?" Valkyrie asked. She took the grapes from Tanith and confirmed that they certainly were mouldy.

"I don't want to bother anyone. Let's just pick the mouldy ones off."

"Nuh uh," Valkyrie said, "I have to eat them."

"Well, you're spit them out."

"Still, my point stands. Let's subtly put them back and let someone else deal with the mouldiness. Black grapes will do." Valkyrie picked up a box of black grapes, checking to make sure they weren't also mouldy. They were not.

"Let's go buy these grapes," Tanith said, heading towards the till. "Actually, it seems weird and unnatural to buy only healthy things. It also seems like a waste of a trip."

"Let's get some coke, too," Valkyrie said. They diverted their course for the drinks section, and each got a 1.5 litre bottle of cherry coke.

"Ah… there's no better feeling than ruthlessly rotting your own teeth," Tanith said, satisfied after placing the bottles in their basket.. "Okay, that should do it, now we can pay for this and get back for some vines."

* * *

They were later in leaving the shop than anticipated. The woman in front of them took an atrociously long time complaining about something along the lines of 'mouldy grapes.' Valkyrie and Tanith hadn't said anything.

"I feel bad for the girl at the till," Valkyrie said once they were in the car, "I feel like we should've done something."

"Did you hear how loud I tutted?" Tanith replied, "what more could we have done? Bearing in mind I left my sword at your place."

"Yeah… good point."

* * *

When they got back, Valkyrie shut Xena in the kitchen, along with a couple of toys to keep her entertained.

"Normally she's a good girl, but grapes are very bad for doggos and I don't trust her not to eat one," Valkyrie explained.

Tanith nodded vigorously in agreement, which wasn't a good idea because she also happened to be drinking her coke, and only gripping it by the neck of the bottle, so she briefly lost her grip and spilled coke down her chin and neck, and choked on what was in her mouth. Fizzed up coke spilled out of her nose.

"Well done," Valkyrie said, looking at Tanith with underwhelmed disappointment.

"Thank you…" Tanith said, ashamed.

"Okay, right. What am I doing? Oh yeah, vine. You still got my phone?"

Tanith held up Valkyrie's phone, then opened the camera, firstly zooming in on Valkyrie's face.

"Action!" Tanith said.

"Oh my god!" Valkyrie said, then Tanith zoomed out as Valkyrie said, "I tink I found my berries," and held up the bunch of grapes, she gasped in awe, then nibbled a few off the bottom of the bunch, before swiftly spitting them out in disgust. Tanith zoomed in on her face again. "Not my berries," Valkyrie said, and shook her head slightly.

"Cut!" Tanith said, "we are on a roll. What other ones are there?"

"First we need to do that other one we mentioned. Then, I remembered there's one by the sea, then there's that one in the forest with the stranded people and the blueberries, which we'll need other people for. So let's do the other one first."

"Good plan, now, action!"

"Wait a minute," Valkyrie said.

"I'm filming."

"When I say 'I'm just kidding,' there's a shift in the light," Valkyrie told her, "I need a torch."

"You now have the most boring video ever on your phone," Tanith said. Valkyrie ignored her, instead searching through a small cluttered cupboard until she produced a large, blue, metal torch.

"I am a master of resourcefulness," Valkyrie said as she re-joined Tanith.

"You certainly are," Tanith said, nodding.

"Okay, so when I'm about to say 'I'm just kidding' you turn on the torch. Got it?"

"Yup," Tanith said, still nodding.

"Good. And it has to be switched off after it," Valkyrie said. "You can start filming now."

Tanith held up the phone, close to Valkyrie's face again. "Action!" she said.

"Oh my god! Guys!" Valkyrie said, "I found my berries!" Tanith switched on the torch, illuminating Valkyrie's face in bright white light. "I'm just kidding," Valkyrie continued, and Tanith switched off the torch. "I don't know where they are," said Valkyrie in a heartbroken tone of voice, as if she were about to start crying.

Tanith stopped filming.

"Cut! That was awesome. Now- who are we gonna get for the blueberry one? Or will we do the seaside one first?"

"Seaside," Valkyrie said, "it doesn't feel right to have me find my berries before we've done the others. Do you want to drive there or should we call Fletcher now, since I'm guessing we're getting him for the other one?"

"Yup," Tanith said. "Will I phone him, or will you do it?"

"Tanith, your old person brain is showing. We can both phone him. Loudspeaker."

"Don't call me old!" Tanith said, "I forgot loudspeaker existed. I apologise. Let's both phone him then. But just for that insult, you're typing in the number."

"I saved the number after last time. You see, there's this thing called autodial which-"

"Shut up! I know these things exist, they just aren't occurring to me at this specific point in time. I think I got coke in my brain."

Valkyrie laughed teasingly as she called Fletcher.

"'Ello?" Fletcher said as he answered the phone lazily.

"Hey, we need your help," Valkyrie said. "Come to the house and we'll explain. Bring a sunhat or two. Bye!"

Valkyrie heard Fletcher take a breath as if he were about to say something, but hung up before he could argue.

"The loudspeaker was actually unnecessary. I now realise that," Valkyrie said.

They waited for a few moments, then Fletcher popped up, facing the wall. He swiftly turned around, pretending he hadn't made the error, then held up the sunhats.

"Got them," he said.

"Thanks, we don't need them yet," Tanith said, "first, we're going to the beach."

"Or harbour," added Valkyrie. "Preferably the harbour actually."

"Right," Fletcher said, looking increasingly confused, until he noticed the flower necklace hanging around Valkyrie's head, then a look of realisation crept onto his face. "Oh, the berry one! Why do you need the harbour?"

"We're doing the berry saga," Valkyrie said, "not just the one, not just the two, but the however many we can remember."

"Nice," Fletcher said. Then Valkyrie and Tanith put their hands on Fletcher's shoulders, and they teleported to the pier at Haggard. Valkyrie quickly looked around, something that she always did whenever they teleported to a public place, to make sure no one saw. It was deserted, since most normal people were inside where it warm, not getting blasted by the cold wind coming in from the sea.

"Shiver me timbers it's cold," Tanith said.

"I suggest you get this done quickly," Fletcher said.

"Yup, on it," Valkyrie said. "Let's film this one in parts, since there's a couple different shots. You want to keep filming, or will I do it?" she asked Tanith.

"You can do it, that means I get to keep my hands in pockets, where it's cozy, warm, and also cozy."

"That's a good idea," Fletcher said, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

Valkyrie took the phone from Tanith and filmed a couple of seconds of the water, then stopped. She switched the camera into selfie mode and tried to get it to look right, but it didn't.

"Tanith, assistance." Tanith stepped closer, and Valkyrie handed the phone back to her, then said, "okay, now film my face so that I look all dramatic and shit."

Tanith pressed record, then frowned.

"Fletcher, you need to move, you're in the frame."

Fletcher teleported behind Tanith.

"Excellent," Tanith said, "now, action!"

Tanith began filming, and it lasted only couple of seconds, but it looked glorious, Valkyrie's hair flew out behind her, and her face was framed by the flower crown, then it ended.

"Now there's another shot of the sea, right?" Tanith said.

"Yep," Valkyrie said, "just another really short one."

Tanith filmed another second of the sea, in the same place Valkyrie had done, then stopped.

"And now it's my face again," Valkyrie said.

Tanith brought the camera up to Valkyrie's face again, though this time closer. She began filming.

"My berries are out there somewhere," Valkyrie said in that odd voice she'd been adopting for all these vines, but with a hint of dramatism.

Tanith stopped filming.

"Well that was awesome," Fletcher said, "now let's go," he put his hands on their shoulders and in an instant they were back in Valkyrie's living room. Tanith rubbed her hands together and sighed as the warmth sunk in.

"Okay, I think there's four people in the next vine. Who are we getting?"

Tanith and Fletcher both shrugged.

"That's helpful."

"Ghastly will do it if we ask," Tanith said.

"What about Skulduggery?" Fletcher asked.

"I'll ask, but I seem to remember him saying he's busy," Valkyrie said.

"How about Saracen and Dexter?" Fletcher asked.

"They're in Portugal," Tanith pointed out.

"That makes no difference with me around."

"Oh yeah, I forgot."

"Do we even need to have four people? I mean really?" Valkyrie asked, "it could be just you two and Ghastly."

"That's a good point," Tanith said, "three people is the same as four."

"It's really not but it doesn't matter because I agree," said Fletcher.

"Great! Let's go get Ghastly, then let's go find some blueberries."

"Or just some blue berries," Tanith said. Fletcher and Valkyrie looked at her questioningly. "You know, berries that are blue. Y'see, blueberries don't grow here in Ireland, do they? They come from America, right? At least in the wild. So who says they have to be blueberries? We're already going slightly off the rails, what does it matter?"

"Yeah, that's actually another good point, but also can any of us really be bothered searching around for berries that are blue? They seem rare, it might be easier just going to America. Fletcher whereabouts in the states have you been?"

"I've been to the obvious places. Like New York, Chicago, uhh. I went to Vegas but it was shit because I didn't realise you had to have money before you got there… I've been to Hollywood. That was actually pretty cool, I saw a crackhead dressed as Batman fighting with a crackhead dressed as Spiderman."

"Have you been to Oregon, Washington, British Columbia, Alaska, Maine, New Hampshire, or Vermont? According to google that's where you get blueberries," Valkyrie asked, looking at her phone.

"I've been to Oregon, Alaska, Maine, and Vermont. Out of those places."

"Where do we want to go?" Valkyrie asked.

"Hmm…" Tanith said, then she glanced down and saw her book lying where she left it earlier. "Let's go to Maine."

"Maine it is. But first, let's go get Ghastly!"

Fletcher put his hands on their shoulders, then they arrived in Ghastly's shop. Ghastly didn't look overly surprised when they popped up behind him.

"Feel like going to Maine?" Tanith asked him.

Ghastly frowned. "For how long?"

"Not sure, but it won't be long."

"Put it this way: we'll be back before the end of the day," Fletcher said.

Valkyrie nodded eagerly. "Way before then," she added.

"Okay…" Ghastly said, sounding as if they'd already convinced him. "Is this business stuff or your usual vine stuff?"

"Vine stuff," Tanith said.

Ghastly sighed, "fine, but I wish you'd come before I poured the water."

"Take your tea with you," Valkyrie said, "you might get thirsty while we're looking for blueberries."

"Looking for-?"

"Let's go!" Fletcher said, he put put his hands on Valkyrie and Tanith's shoulders, and Tanith reached over to take Ghastly's hand, then they appeared on a lonely looking road, with thin birch trees on one side and bigger ones, along with a type of pine, on the other. "Ah yes, I remember passing through here. The weather was way worse than it is now."

"We're in the middle of nowhere," Ghastly said, sipping from his mug.

"Not really," Fletcher said. "If I remember right, there's a house down here," he said this as he walked down the road, leaving the others no choice but to follow him. "Yup," he said, "see?"

There was indeed a house standing by its lonesome self, surrounded by more trees, and there was a forest set not far behind it.

"There are houses scattered all over the place here. We're not that far from Bangor, if I'm remembering it right.

"If google says you get blueberries in the wild here, then there's bound to be some over there," Tanith said, pointing to the forest.

"My thoughts exactly," Valkyrie said, "come on, we're going on an adventure!" and she led the way towards the house with the intent of going straight past it towards the forest.

"Should we really be going through some stranger's garden?" Ghastly asked cautiously, though following the others anyway.

"It's not like we're gonna be long," Valkyrie replied, almost shouting since she was further ahead, "we probably won't even be noticed."

"Still, it's rude."

"Wait a minute, why are we even walking?" Tanith said, "Fletcher, just take us over there!"

"Oh yeah," Fletcher said, then he laughed quietly to himself. Since there was a couple of yards between each of them, he didn't bother waiting for them all to join together. Instead, he teleported to each of them individually, blinking back and forth. First he took Valkyrie and dropped her off at the edge of the forest, then Tanith, and finally Ghastly.

"Well, we just saved ourselves five whole minutes of walking," Valkyrie said. "Now let the search for blueberries commence!"

They all stared into the forest, none of them making a move forward.

"Why exactly are we doing this?" Ghastly asked.

"Oh yeah, we never actually explained," Tanith said. "Well, to put it simply, we're doing the berry saga."

"That provides no help whatsoever."

"Oh my god," Valkyrie said, doing the weird voice where it sounded like oh ma gauhhd.

"What?" Ghastly asked.

"I still haven't found my berries," Fletcher said.

"I'm lost."

"You know the vine!" Tanith said.

"Not really," Ghastly replied apologetically.

"Valkyrie, show him the videos. Or at least one of them."

"Yup…" Valkyrie said, getting a video up on her phone as they began walking deeper into the forest. She held it up, and on the video Valkyrie said, 'well, I still haven't found my berries. But! I found this,' then she held up the orange and licked it.

Ghastly smiled at it, "okay, so-"

"There's another," Valkyrie said. In the video this time, she said, 'oh my god, I think I found my berries,' then nibbled a few grapes off the bottom of the bunch, before spitting them out and saying 'not my berries.'

"So the one we're doing now is Valkyrie finding her berries," Tanith said, stepping over a log, "but first we need to find some berries."

"I see," Ghastly said. "If it were, me, I would've just bought some blueberries, then tied them with a string or something, and hung them from a tree to make it look like you found some."

They all stopped walking.

"Fuck," Valkyrie said.

"Fuck," Fletcher said.

"Why didn't we think of that?" Tanith asked, turning to Valkyrie and Fletcher.

"We're idiots. That's the only explanation," Fletcher said. "Should we go home and just do that?"

"No," Valkyrie said, "we've come this far. It won't be long before we find some blueberries."

"Hey guys, I found some blueberries," Ghastly said. He had strolled off while they were talking, and come across a bush, which was populated rather scarcely with blueberries. There were four of them in a bunch hanging off a twig.

"Yes! Ghastly, you're the best," Valkyrie said, as Fletcher and Tanith hugged him. Ghastly looked very proud of himself.

"Okay, now we film this vine, and that's us done, right?" Tanith asked.

"I think so. No, there's a couple others. But I don't know them off by heart, so we'll just pretend they don't exist."

"We're so professional. Not that that matters. Ghastly, Fletcher, do you know what we're doing?"

"Yes," Fletcher said.

"No," Ghastly said.

"Okay, basically we're lost in the woods. One of us, probably me, says 'let's face it, were stranded,' then another one of us says 'look!' that can be one of you, you can rock-paper-scissors it if you want. Then during a brief shot of the berries, we all say 'blueberries!' and after that we see Valkyrie on a tree branch bouncing excitedly. We scream, make like we're running away, and then there's another shot of Valkyrie, this time laughing."

"Got it. Fletcher, you can say 'look' so that I don't do anything wrong," Ghastly said.

"There's no much that can go wrong with saying 'look' Nevertheless that is a lot of responsibility and I am prepared to take it."

"This tree will do for me," Valkyrie said. She put a hand against the trunk to balance herself, then jumped up on a long branch sticking out from the bottom, which immediately snapped, sending Valkyrie to the grassy, leafy ground. "Don't worry, I was expecting that to happen." She got up, and tried again, this time going for a slightly higher branch. When she got up there, she held onto another branch that was sticking out from just above her shoulder. "How does this look?" she asked.

"Great. I would've suggested going up there after you filmed us though," Tanith said.

Valkyrie sighed. "That is an excellent point," she said, and hopped down. "Oh well, are we ready to do this?"

"Yep," Tanith said.

"Mmhmm," hummed Fletcher.

Ghastly just nodded.

"I was hoping for something more enthusiastic than that," said Valkyrie said. "Let's do it again. Are we ready to do this thing?!"

"Yeah!" Tanith and Fletcher said. Tanith raised her fists in the air.

"Yeah…" Ghastly said quietly once they were finished.

"That'll have to do," Valkyrie said. "Fletcher, did you bring the sun hats?"

"I forgot them," Fletcher said.

"That's okay, because I forgot my flower crown. Would you go get them please?"

"Sure,"

"Wait a minute," Ghastly said. He gulped down the last of his tea then held out his empty mug. "So that it doesn't get broken," he said. Fletcher shrugged, took the mug, and vanished. Two seconds later, he reappeared, holding two sun hats and a flower crown.

"You guys can wear the hats," Fletcher said, tapping a ridiculous spike of hair in explanation. He held out the hats. Tanith and Ghastly took one each, then Fletcher chucked the flower crown to Valkyrie. It spun in the air like a miniature hula hoop, before Valkyrie caught it.

"Now, get in position, folks!" Valkyrie said as she wrapped the flower crown around her head.

"We're pretty much already in position," Tanith said.

"Oh well, in that case…" Valkyrie took her phone out of her pocket once again, and switched it on. "In that case..." She opened the camera, and pointed it at Tanith, Fletcher and Ghastly. "In that case… make it look like you guys have been walking. Action!"

Tanith took a step forward and said, "let's face it, we're stranded."

"Cut!" Valkyrie said.

"That was ridiculously easy," Ghastly said.

"I know, right?" Tanith said.

Valkyrie turned around and focused the camera on the blueberries. "You guys ready?"

"Yup," Fletcher said.

"Action!"

"Look!" said Fletcher. Then him, Tanith and Ghastly exclaimed "blueberries!"

"Cut!" Valkyrie said. "Just a couple more videos to go, guys!"

Valkyrie handed the phone to Tanith, then climbed up the tree until she was standing slightly crouched. She bounced a couple of times to test the branch's strength.

"Okay, I'm ready," Valkyrie said.

"Action!" said Tanith.

"Oh ma god!" Valkyrie said. She bounced slightly on the branch,and shook the tree.

"Cut," Tanith said. She handed the phone back to Valkyrie, who hopped off the tree.

"Action!" Valkyrie said. Tanith, Ghastly, and Fletcher screamed, and backed away in a frightened manner. "Cut!" Valkyrie said.

Valkyrie handed the phone back to Tanith, and climbed back onto the tree. Tanith brought the camera up to Valkyrie's face. "Action," Tanith said, whispering this time, simply to give a little variety to the word.

"Ha-ha-ha-ha ha!" Valkyrie laughed in a high pitched tone, then Tanith stopped filming.

"Done! We're finished guys!" Tanith said.

"Hooray!" Fletcher cheered.

"Yay!" Ghastly said, not entirely convincingly.

"You know, being up here bouncing on this branch reminds me of another vine we should do," Valkyrie said. Then the branch she was standing on snapped. She didn't let go of the branch she was holding onto straight away though, and spun around as she fell. She hit the ground hard. "We can do that one another time," she groaned.

* * *

Later that night, after Fletcher had taken them all home, Valkyrie was taking a tub of microwave noodles out. She tipped them onto a plate, wincing as she burned her fingertips. She took the steaming plate through to the living room to rejoin Tanith and Xena.

"I'm finished," Tanith said. She was eating the grapes from earlier. "All the videos that required it are edited, and we now have the best of the berry saga. Do you feel accomplished? I know I do."

"I feel accomplished," Valkyrie said through a mouthful of hot noodles. "Well, are we watching them or not?"

"I was waiting for you to swallow. You don't want this viewing experience tarnished by the sound of noodles swishing and swooshing around in your mouth."

"Okay, well I've swallowed." Valkyrie said, "now can we watch please?"

"Of course, since you asked nicely."

Tanith pressed play.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time, you need to press one to talk to Valkyrie.
> 
> Should be back to normal next week. I'm back from work experience, back at school (it's bad as normal) and hopefully I'll get my chapter finished. I'm away this weekend, I'm off to Berlin for a school trip but I should get my chapter done in time. (I'm away Saturday to Tuesday.)
> 
> Usual stuff - requests send them in, know any languages used in previous chapters, send them in.
> 
> Until next time!


	37. Press One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by me

"It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring, he went to bed and bumped his head and murdered himself in the process," Tanith sang and danced through from the kitchen.

"It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring, he went to bed and bumped his head and murdered himself in the process," Tanith sang.

"That's not the words," Valkyrie said, looking up from her phone. She went to click on facebook. Her phone opened up instagram, the icon of which was right beside the facebook one.

"It's what happens though," Tanith said before she continued singing, "it's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring…"

Valkyrie pressed her home button and clicked Facebook. Her phone promptly turned off.

"Bloody phone," Valkyrie cursed, "it keeps fecking up."

"Be like Tanith and get a phone that isn't intentionally made to run slower and slower with each new upgrade until you give in and buy the newest model for a million euro," Tanith said.

"Yeah," Valkyrie said, "but all my stuff's on the Apple cloud."

"Call Applecare," Tanith said, "ooh and try and get them to press one to talk to a customer. We need a new vine to do."

"Hmm," Valkyrie hummed, "it's raining, I have nothing else to do, my phone is almost fucked at this point, why not. We have to break tradition though and film on your phone."

Tanith pulled out her phone.

"Are you ready for the great responsibility of filming vines?" Tanith asked her phone, "are you?"

"I think it's ready," Valkyrie said.

"Me too," Tanith said, "first we need snacks, tea, juice, and I required a hand crafted goblet of the finest Irn Bru."

"Irn Bru?"

"It's amazing. It's not as good since they changed the recipe but I still like it."

"I've never had it," Valkyrie said.

"Irn Bru gets ya through," Tanith said in an exaggerated Scottish accent.

"Okay. We shall get the Bru of Irn."

* * *

**Attempt One**

Valkyrie dialled the number for Applecare. She made her way through the complex system of connecting to any line she wanted and put her phone on loudspeaker and the hold music played out.

A human answered.

"To talk to a customer press one," Valkyrie said in an fake automated voice.

A dial tone rang out.

Valkyrie cheered.

"Can I help you?" the human said.

Tanith meowed and hung up.

'Well that was easy," Valkyrie said turning grinning to Tanith.

"It wasn't," Tanith said.

"Why?"

"I wasn't filming."

"Fuck."

* * *

**Attempt Two**

Valkyrie dialled the number, pressed a random number and set the phone on loudspeaker.

"Film from now and we can cut the video down," Valkyrie said.

"Right-o," Tanith held up her phone over Valkyrie's and began filming.

The music cut out.

"To talk to a customer, please press one," Valkyrie said.

"Hello? Is there someone there?" A man answered.

Valkyrie sighed and hung up.

"I need more Irn Bru," Tanith said.

"We've literally only tried twice," Valkyrie dialled the number again.

"Irn Bru gets ya through," Tanith offered and sprinted off to the kitchen.

* * *

**Attempt Three**

Tanith tipped the last mouthful of the Irn Bru into her mouth. She held it in her mouth for a second before swallowing it.

The hold music stopped.

Tanith held up her phone and began filming.

"To talk to a customer press one," Valkyrie said.

"What?" The same man answered as before.

Valkyrie hung up.

* * *

**Attempt Four**

"To talk to a customer press one."

"Alright that's it, I have had enough of you! I will pass on to my superiors to cancel your Apple account!"

"That's cool, I've decided to stop aiding the capitalism corrupted corporation that is your company anyway. Laters," Valkyrie hung up and turned to Tanith. "I need a new phone. Maybe a Samsung this time."

"I had a Samsung. It was pretty good. My favourite phone though was my HTC Desire 650. I liked that phone," Tanith said.

* * *

**Attempt Five**

"We'll give it one more try," Valkyrie phoned the Applecare number once more.

Tanith danced around to the hold music.

The music stopped.

"Tanith!"

Tanith darted over and held up her phone. She began filming.

"To talk to customer press one," Valkyrie said.

The man sighed. A dial tone beeped.

Valkyrie stopped filming.

"So what phone should I get?" Valkyrie asked the man.

"Get a HTC," the man on the phone said."Just never get an iphone again. I cannot run the risk of meeting you again."

"Thank you for your help."

"Please hang up."

"No wait I want to talk to you," Valkyrie said.

"Please no."

"How was your day?" Tanith asked

"Just hang up. Please."

"Killjoy," Tanith said.

"Thank you for all your help," Valkyrie hung up.

"That was fun," Tanith said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next there's a branch suitable for bouncing on and a song from the Lion King.
> 
> I'm back from work experience, I'm back from Berlin and everything's back to normal with the vines.
> 
> You know the drill ,send in requests and send in any languages used in previous chapters to get a shout out.
> 
> Until next time


	38. Squash Banana

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by KenrickMNP

"Valkyrie?" Tanith called as she opened the front door and stepped into the house, "Vaaalkyrie! Where are you?"

"I'm in here," Valkyrie said, from the living room. "What's the point in shouting for where I am before you even look for me?"

"It saves time. It's like killing two birds with one stone."

"That's not very nice, what did the poor birds ever do to you?" Valkyrie said.

"The fuckers constantly screech their blood curdling death cries in the morning, that's what they did," Tanith said, adopting a grumpy tone of voice and looking into the distance as she remembered all the times she'd been woken up by sparrows. "Actually, that leads on to what I was going to say. It's unusually warm outside considering it's February. I think we should go outside and enjoy it while it lasts."

"Wait, what does that have to do with evil birds?"

"Doesn't matter. Why don't we go out to the woods or something, you know? Maybe find a nice, bouncy tree branch?"

Valkyrie sat up. "You want to do that vine, don't you?"

"Well you did mention it a couple of weeks ago, and it is sunny weather. We should get a good shadow on the ground. Why, don't you want to do it?"

"Tanith…" Valkyrie sighed melancholically . She looked away for a moment, then sprung up from where she had been sitting. "Of course I want to do it you numpty!"

"Jesus, I just about shat myself there."

"Do you think I should bring Xena with me? She hasn't been out a walk today."

"Yeah, you should bring her," Tanith said, "I can hold her while we watch you embarrass yourself falling off the tree."

"Hah! I laugh at your foolishness. I don't get embarrassed by anything."

"Of course you don't."

"Except maybe when I'm with you in public," Valkyrie said.

"What?"

"Nothing. We should get going," Valkyrie giggled wickedly as she rushed to get Xena's lead. "Xena! Come here, we're going out a walk!"

The sound of paws scraping against the wooden floor in the hallway came echoing through, until they were muted by the carpet as Xena came bounding into the living room.

"Do you want to go out a walk?" Valkyrie asked her. She got an excited bark in response. "Good girl! Let's go."

"To the door!" Tanith said as she marched to the door. She opened it, and Xena ran past her leg onto the driveway. "Uhh, should you have put the lead on before I opened the door?"

"Nah, I just take the lead with me if I need to keep her in for any reason. Like if there's another dog that she doesn't like, or something."

"Ah. That makes sense… Hey, I wonder if any of these trees have suitable branches?" Tanith said. The trees that surrounded the Grimwood estate loomed over them, casting scattered shadows over the road where the sun broke through the branches.

"I don't think so," Valkyrie said, "I've been exploring this place since I was Alice's age; younger, even. There might be some higher up branches that would be bouncy, but I don't fancy breaking my neck for a vine. We should go to those other ones way up the road. You know, where we filmed the duck vine all those aeons ago?"

"Oh yeah, there were quite a few low hanging branches, weren't there? Damn, that was so long ago. Time really flies."

"Time isn't real," Valkyrie said.

"Oh right, I must've imagined it."

* * *

It took around forty minutes for them to walk up the long road which stretched up a long, gradual hill. They passed the field where Tanith had screamed at the cows. It was empty now. The house where the crazy old man had been faced them menacingly, and they both quickened their pace when walking past it, but neither of them acknowledged this. It was about ten minutes after they passed the house that they reached the woods. The road through them wasn't actually a road, rather just a muddy track scattered with rocks, which just so happened to be wide enough for a car to pass through. The last time they had been there, the trees still had leaves on them, but now they were bare, and all the leaves covered the ground, mostly turned to mulch.

"Yeah, this it perfect," Tanith said as Xena ran ahead of them and disappeared into the woods. "I count three trees with suitable branches."

"Three opportunities to get this right. That won't be difficult. I reckon we'll get this done in one."

"That's ambitious considering our history," Tanith said.

"Yeah, that's true. Two tries."

"Well then we better get started."

"Yup. Let's try this one first," Valkyrie said, stepping off the track and walking towards the closest tree, which had a long, low branch. She put her foot on it and tested the bounciness. It bounced, and was thus bouncy enough. "It's bouncy," Valkyrie said.

"Climb on it and bounce a few times. Just to make sure."

"Okay. Do you want to just try filming just now?" Valkyrie asked, "in case the branch snaps off the first time."

"Sure, that's a good idea."

"Great. Now, what the fuck am I supposed to say?"

"Uhh… You got me there. Look up the lyrics on your fandabidozily wonderful new phone."

"Good plan." Valkyrie reached into her pocket and brought out her new phone. She hummed a dramatic tune and held it in the air. "Ta-daa!" She said. "Now. Youtube… okay, now… umm…. Okay. The song is from The Lion King, right? Good. Lion...King… Song… Wait, hold on. Lion...King...Song from Vine… there we go!"

"I don't think I needed a full commentary on your journey through the internet but nevertheless I'm glad you shared," Tanith said.

"You're welcome. Now- the lyrics from the Lion King are 'asante sana squash banana wewe nugu' and so on. But in the vine it's different, right?"

"Yup, it's more like 'hungy nana haningingy nana something something.'"

"Exactly. We can either do the Lion King version, or the vine version. What do you think?"

"The vine would be better."

"That's what I thought," Valkyrie said. "Let's watch the video a few times and see if we can figure out what he's saying."

"Good plan."

Valkyrie searched up the vine, and they watched it. They had to rewind and re-play the video several times to decipher what was being said. Tanith used her own phone to note down what they figured out, and in the end they were happy with 'hongy nana hingy nana ninini nana squash banana hongy…' and at that point the branch would hopefully break.

"Now let's get filming!" Tanith said.

"Yeah…!" Valkyrie said. She looked at the branch apprehensively. "Hey, just a spontaneous, random, totally off the top of my head thought, but, and you don't need to, don't feel any pressure. But do you maybe possibly want to take my place?"

"Nah, you were excellent at bouncing on it last time."

"Fuck. Oh well. Ohhhh well. Ah weel. Oh."

"Don't tell me you're scared. It's not like you haven't fallen off trees before."

"Yeah, but I don't really want to make a habit out of it."

"One time isn't a habit. Come on, just get on with it. It's not like the hole at the beach; I can't push you in, you need to climb up yourself."

Valkyrie sighed loudly. Then she sighed some more. "Fine."

"Yay!"

Valkyrie stepped up to the tree and put her foot on the branch. It bent threateningly, so she moved her foot as close to the tree's trunk as she could, then took hold of a knot in it higher up, and lifted herself up onto the branch. She wobbled, steadied herself, and looked upwards at the next branch she had to take hold of. She inched her foot forwards, reached out, felt herself wobble, and stepped back again, gripping the tree trunk.

"This is going wonderfully," Tanith said, and got a glare in response from Valkyrie.

Valkyrie stepped forwards on the branch once again, and wobbled violently, but grabbed for the branch before she could fall. It would have worked, too. If she had actually caught the branch. Instead, she completely lost her balance and fell to the ground.

"Mother fudging fucker," she said. Tanith was standing over her, laughing ridiculously. "Don't laugh," Valkyrie said. "There's a stick on the ground and it's poking right into my spine."

"Then get off the ground. Just a suggestion," Tanith said.

"Whatever," Valkyrie replied as she stood up. She sighed angrily and stepped back up onto the tree, gripping the trunk desperately. She seperated her feet, and edged up the branch the way a crab would walk. When she was far enough along the branch, she reached up and took hold of the second branch, and when she felt safe enough, she let go of the tree trunk and caught the branch with her second hand She wobbled forwards and backwards a bit, but holding onto the branch above her helped to steady herself.

"Fuck," Valkyrie said.

"What now?" Tanith asked. She kneeled down and slid underneath the branch Valkyrie was standing on, then stood up so she could face Valkyrie.

"I need to get my phone out now."

"Yeah…"

"But my phone's in my pocket," Valkyrie said, "I need both my hands otherwise I'll fall again."

"You've always known you'd need to use one hand for the branch and the other for your phone."

"I know, but I didn't think it would be this difficult," Valkyrie said. "You should've done this. You're pretty much a ninja, wouldn't your magic have made this a piece of cake?"

"Probably, but if we use our magic for everything then life becomes mundane and unbearably simplistic."

Valkyrie groaned, "you sound like Skulduggery when you say stuff like that. It doesn't suit you." She slowly removed one hand from the branch, wobbled slightly, and put it back. She took a breath, then removed the hand again. She reached into her pocket and took out her phone, then chucked it at Tanith and took hold of the branch again.

"Thank you very much," Tanith said.

"Get the camera up, then pass it back."

"Okay, while I'm doing that, do some practice bounces."

Valkyrie bounced gently up and down. She would have gone faster, but she was expecting the branch to snap any second.

"Right, here you go," Tanith said, handing the phone to Valkyrie, "before you start, you're gonna have to turn around."

"What? Why?" Valkyrie asked.

"'Cause your shadow in on that side of the branch, you're facing this side. If your shadow can't be seen then the vine is almost worthless."

Valkyrie made a noise that was halfway between a sigh and a whimper. She lifted one foot and twisted the other one around, then replaced the first one. With her legs twisted around each other, she let go of the branch above her and spun around, aligning herself, and took hold of the branch again.

"Haha! In your face, gravity," Valkyrie said, preparing herself to begin filming. She wobbled slightly, and gasped, thinking for sure she was going to fall. She didn't. "Okay, right. I'm gonna start filming. Can you take a few steps back? Your shadow is showing up over here."

"Sure," Tanith said, and did so.

"Right," Valkyrie said to herself. She began bouncing, and when she had a good rhythm going, she pressed record. "Hongy nana hingy nana ninini nana squash banana hongy," Valkyrie bounced more violently on the last word, hoping the branch would break, but it didn't. She stopped recording.

"Well that was depressing," Tanith said, "do it again."

"Thanks for that, I wasn't sure," Valkyrie said sarcastically.

Valkyrie began bouncing again, and pressed record. "Hongy nana hingy nana," she sang, making her voice go deeper, "ninini nana squash banana, hongy," the branch still didn't break. "Come on!" Valkyrie said, "why aren't you breaking you stupid branch?"

"You're being mean to the branch," Tanith said.

"I know. The branch is a branch."

"Are you making any extra effort to make it snap?"

"Yes, I'm bouncing more aggressively," Valkyrie said.

"Bouncing aggressively should be working. Bounce even more aggressively next time."

Valkyrie pressed record and began bouncing. "Hongy nana, hingy nana, ninini nana, squash banana, hongy," Valkyrie bounced with as much force as she could, but the branch didn't snap. She slipped. One foot went in one direction, the other in the opposite direction. She let go of the branch above her, and fell backwards. She landed, her head thumping off the ground. One foot rested on the branch, sticking in the air. Surprisingly, she hadn't lost grip of her phone. Valkyrie sighed, staring up at the sky. "Not a word, Low," she said. "Not a word."

"I have an idea," Tanith said.

"Is it a good idea?"

"Possibly."

"Then let's hear it," Valkyrie said, standing up.

"Okay, so if I stand -or sit, even- under the branch, and when it's time for the branch to snap, I'll grab it and hang off it. With the weight of both of us, either the branch snaps or we declare it cursed burn it down."

"That last bit?"

"Maybe move on to another tree."

"That's better," Valkyrie said. "Okay, one more time." She climbed up on the branch, wasn't happy with the balance and stepped down straight away. She turned, and stepped back onto the branch, taking hold of the one above her. She wobbled, and quickly turned around so she was facing the right direction. She bounced a couple of times, then pressed record. "Hongy nana, hingy nana, ninini nana, squash…" At this point, Tanith, who was lying under the branch, took hold of it and wrapped her legs around it, hanging like a sloth just inches away from the ground. Valkyrie continued singing. "...Banana hongy-" Valkyrie felt the weight of Tanith and a jolt in the branch, and knew it was about to snap. When it did, she let out a strangled scream. "Aaghk," and stopped filming.

"That went really well," Tanith groaned, lying on the ground, arms and legs spread, and the branch lying on top of her.

"Yep…" Valkyrie replied, on top of the branch. She stood up.

"Now let's watch it and revel in our awesomeness," Tanith said, shoving the branch off of her.

"I'm almost scared to. If it looks bad, I'm going to scream."

"Don't worry, I'll scream with you."

"You're too kind," Valkyrie said. She opened the videos, and clicked the most recent one. At the end, the picture was just a blur as Valkyrie cried in in terror. They both watched with massive grins on their faces and burst out laughing when it ended.

"Well that was awesome. Not quite first try, but at least we only needed one tree," Tanith said.

"Yup. We're damn awesome. Anyway, we better get going. I'm seeing threatening clouds over that way," Valkyrie said, pointing to the sky.

"Yeah… Hey, where'd Xena go?"

"God, who knows? That dog's probably ended up in Roarhaven," Valkyrie whistled a few times and shouted Xena's name, then turned and faced Tanith. "We may be here a while."

"The lead probably would've come in handy," Tanith said, nodding to the lead which lay on the ground where Valkyrie had tossed it when they first got there. They stood quietly for a few moments. "It was over there… wasn't it?" Tanith asked, pointing to a spot on the track a few yards away.

"What?"

"The duck."

"Oh yeah… I think it was."

Tanith nodded to herself, staring at the spot.

"You know you've got leaves in your hair," Valkyrie said.

"You do, too."

"Huh…" Valkyrie made no effort to shake the leaves out.

Not long after, Xena popped into view. Valkyrie whistled for her, and when Xena heard, her ears pricked up and she came sprinting towards them. She was completely drenched in gooey mud.

"What the heck have you been doing?" Valkyrie asked accusingly. Xena looked at her, her tongue sticking out as she panted. It made her look as if she were grinning.

Xena lost interest in Valkyrie, and circled around. When she spotted the branch laying on the ground, she went straight to it. It had to be the length of Tanith and Valkyrie if they were laying end to end, but that didn't stop Xena from picking it up.

"Xena, that's too big," Valkyrie told her. Xena continued to ignore her. "Come on, we're leaving."

* * *

It took them the same length of time to walk back to the house as it had going to the woods, and when they got to the door, Valkyrie looked behind her. She saw Xena sitting in the driveway in front of the branch, looking rather proud of herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next; horses are majestic
> 
> Any requests send them in, know any of the languages used in previous chapters send them in.
> 
> Quick note- yesterday was seven months since the first chapter of The Vines of Valkyrie and Tanith was uploaded.
> 
> Until next time, bye y'all


	39. That was Majestic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by me

Valkyrie stared out the window as the Irish countryside passed her by. The drifts of classical music that echoed through the car from the radio set a light atmosphere as Skulduggery drove them onwards to her home.

It was rare nowadays that it was just her and Skukduggery. Skulduggery was always busy and she was always with Tanith re-creating vines or with Tanith doing something else, like when they went rolling down the big hill in their inflatable morphsuits from the "We Speak no Americano" vine. Those things may be fun, but even they could not defeat good old Irish stones.

"How did Tanith get on with her TV thing?" Skulduggery asked breaking the musical lull.

The TV thing being the advert Tanith was asked to star in after successfully re-creating the 'Back at it Again at Krispy Kreme' vine at the only Irish Krispy Kreme shop during their vine challenge. Tanith had filmed it the other day and hadn't stopped talking about it since.

"Pretty good. It only took her one take to nail it and she was happy she got to break stuff," Valkyrie said.

"She got to break stuff?"

"She had to kick a sign off the wall."

"Tanith likes kicking stuff," Skulduggery said.

"She really does."

Valkyrie resumed looking out the window.

The fields were broken up by a large yellow sand arena the size of two regular fields set up with showjumps. Someone was riding a grey horse over the jumps. The horse jumped neatly over a jump parallel to the road.

"That was majestic," Valkyrie said. She rode horses a while ago. She always meant to start again.

"I know I am," Skulduggery said.

"Not you. The horse that was jumping in the sand school beside the road."

"Well I am majestic," Skulduggery said.

"Okay."

"China has horses," Skulduggery said.

Valkyrie vaguely remembered China mentioning that, something which she voiced to Skulduggery.

Valkyrie took out her new phone (a HTC 650 on advice of the Applecare man) and texted Tanith.

I have an idea for the next vine

Tanith replied instantly.

1 min having coffee w G and Ant

"Who's G and Ant?" Valkyrie asked Skulduggery, "oh wait Ghastly probably."

"And Anton. He's in town today, Ghastly said he was meeting him."

"Ah. That makes sense," Valkyrie said.

The rest of the ride passed in an argument over the music. Valkyrie wanted some Rob Zombie (Tanith was winning the battle to get Valkyrie into rock and metal music) but Skulduggery fought for the classic Hyden.

It ended with Valkyrie headbanging violently to 'Superbeast' while Skulduggery sulked the rest of the way to Grimwood.

Hey yeah, I'm the one that you wanted. Hey yeah, I'm your superbeast.

There was a loud knock at the door followed by an unmistakable voice shouting.

"What's up bitches Tanith is here!"

Valkyrie leaped up off the couch and ran through to the hallway. She flung open the door.

"I bought croissants from that really nice bakery after leaving Ghastly and Anton. So what's the vine?"

"The "That Was Majestic" one."

"With the horse?"

"Yeah."

"Where do we get a horse from?"

"China has horses," Valkyrie said.

"She won't just give us a horse."

"China rides the horse over the jump. You can be the guy who guys "that was majestic" and I can film," Valkyrie said.

"Have you asked China?" Tanith asked and took a bite of her croissant.

"I have not. We should phone her now."

Valkyrie pulled her out phone.

"Siri call China Sorrows."

"You don't have an iPhone anymore," Tanith said.

Valkyrie looked at her phone.

"Oh yeah. I forgot."

"Hello?"

"Hey China."

"Valkyrie, is it good to hear from you. What do you want?"

"How do you know we want something?"

"Everytime you have phoned me in the last two years it's been because you want something."

"Except Christmas. I phoned to invite you over."

"That is true. Now what can I help you with?"

"We need help for another video."

"Okay."

"We need a horse."

"Okay."

"We would need you to jump a horse over a show jump."

"That's all you need?"

"Pretty much," Valkyrie said. "Please?"

"Tomorrow morning at 9:30. Skulduggery can drop you off, he knows where he's going."

"Awesome, thank you China!"

"Please don't make me regret this."

"We will!" Tanith chimed in cheerfully.

The dial tone rang out as China hung up on them.

"Honestly thought she would say no," Tanith said.

"Me too."

An immaculate sand school was set up with a course of jumps of various heights and styles. Some were all horizontal rails, some were two fences set up beside each other. There was even one with a tray of water between two fences.

"Wow," Valkyrie whistled as she looked around. The stables were beautiful, the horses inside were even more beautiful. A grey horse with a slender face poked its head out of the stable door. Valkyrie held her hand out and the horse retreated back into the stable.

"She doesn't like you," Tanith said.

"How do you know its a she?" Valkyrie asked.

"The name plate says Silvade. It just seems a feminine name."

China emerged from a smooth wooden hut beside the stable in pure white jodphurs and a neat black showing jacket. A riding helmet dangled in her hand.

"Hey China," Valkyrie greeted her.

"Good morning."

"You have some really nice horses," Tanith said, "I love the grey one right here."

"Silvade. She doesn't like new people very much."

"She hid from Valkyrie."

China smiled slightly.

"Was there any specific colouring of horse you needed?" China asked.

"The horse in the video was dark but it doesn't matter too much," Valkyrie said.

China stepped past Valkyrie and stood beside the stable beside Silvade's. Another horse, dark brown this time, stuck their head over the door. The black leather of the bridle the horse wore paired nicely with the dark fur and contrasted sharply with the bright blue eye.

"Wow," Tanith breathed, "that is a stunning horse."

"This is Maria," China patted the horse's neck. Maria dropped her head and bumped her head against China.

China stroked the mare's forehead and Maria stood still again.

"She's beautiful," Valkyrie.

"Isn't she just. I was going to use her today for your video."

"We would be honoured to have Maria star in our video."

Valkyrie watched transfixed as China warmed Maria up, riding her around the arena in walk and trot.

Maria's coat glinted in the faint Irish sunshine and her muscles rippled under her skin. Her neck was slightly arched and her tail flowed out behind her. China pressed the horse up into canter and Maria cantered swiftly around the arena.

China turned Maria off the outside track and onto the line of a jump. A single fence, probably only about 50cm, the smallest one set out in the arena.

Maria jumped over it neatly and China turned the horse right towards another jump. Maria cleared it easily and slowed back down to trot, then to walk before China halted her in front of Valkyrie and Tanith.

"We're ready when you are," China said, patting Maria's neck.

"We were thinking if you jump that big jump along the fence line?" Valkyrie said and pointed to the one she was meaning. It was two separate jumps placed close together, one taller than the other, composed of gold and green poles and decorated with fake hedge trim on the side.

"That will be fine," China said, "say when you're ready and I'll take her around the arena once before going over the fence."

"That sounds good," Valkyrie said.

"We'll get into position and then give you the shout," Tanith said.

"Ready," Tanith said.

China pressed Maria up into a smooth trot then hitting a canter at the first corner. She cantered Maria along the fence line.

"So two videos for this right?" Tanith asked.

"Yup. One of China jumping then one of you," Valkyrie replied and held her phone up facing the jump.

China had turned Maria off the fence line and onto the line for the jump Valkyrie had selected. Valkyrie began filming. Maria took one more stride before taking off and neatly clearing the poles. She landed on the other side and Valkyrie stopped filming.

Valkyrie turned to Tanith, gave the action signal (raising an arm and then dropping it) and began filming.

"That was majestic," Tanith said.

Valkyrie stopped filming.

"How was that?" Tanith asked.

"Majestic."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next, I'm not actually sure, I forgot to write it down on the spreadsheet we have for keeping track of everything.
> 
> Thank you to Madman2.60 on fanfiction.net for the review and request.
> 
> If anyone has any requests don't hesitate to send them in!
> 
> Until next time.


	40. Ooh, She's Stealing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by KenrickMNP

Tanith was laying on her couch, trying her hardest to fall asleep for an afternoon nap, but failing due to T-Rex constantly climbing on top of her and licking her nose.

 

“T-Rex,” she mumbled, “I love you but please stop.”

 

T-Rex continued to lick her face. Tanith sighed, and lifted him off her chest. He sat on the carpet, looking up at her. He licked his own nose, then hopped back onto the couch, climbing onto Tanith’s chest to continue licking her face.

 

Tanith wrapped her hands around T-Rex to lift him off again, but stopped when her phone started ringing.

 

“You win this round, T-Rex,” she said, and answered the phone without lifting T-Rex off. “Uh-huh?” She said. She had to stop answering the phone so casually without first seeing who it was. Knowing her, it was going to cost her a very important job one day. Thankfully, today was not that day, and it was Valkyrie that replied.

 

“Hey, guess what?”

 

“What…?” Tanith replied with cautious excitement, just in case it wasn’t good news. Considering their line of work, it was very possible Valkyrie was phoning to let her know someone had died.

 

“I know what vine we can do next,” Valkyrie said.

 

“Ooh, goody,” Tanith said. T-Rex had continued licking her face. “What one?”

 

“Well,” Valkyrie said, “I was walking Xena and I saw a guy getting arrested, he ran away from the cop and the cop chased after him. Something about the cop’s voice made it comedic, so I didn’t bother helping him chase the guy who ran away, but the cop seemed to have it handled so I don’t feel too bad about it-”

 

“Valkyrie, I think you’re rambling,”

 

“No don’t worry, I’m just giving you the backstory. So anyway, for some reason it reminded me of a vine, but I couldn’t remember if it was an actual vine or if I had imagined it. As you can guess, I didn’t imagine it, because I found the vine, I’ll text you the link if you don’t know it. It’s the one with the policeman filming a guy rummaging through a car boot, and he’s like “ooh, he’s stealing,” then the guy runs off and the policeman’s like “hey, hey get back here,” in a funny sorta voice.”

 

“Oh yeah, I know that one! Want to do it today? I was gonna have a nap but I can’t see that happening.” T-Rex continued to lick her face.

 

“Yeah. We can meet at mine and sort everything out if you want?”

 

“Sure, I’ll be there in about half an hour.”

 

“See you soon,” Valkyrie said, and hung up.

 

Tanith put her phone down. “I’ve had enough of this, T-Rex,” Tanith warned. T-Rex ignored the warning, so Tanith retaliated by licking his face. T-Rex stopped licking her and looked at her with a confused and wary face. He poked his head forward and sniffed, as if he was about to continue licking, so Tanith opened her mouth and leaned her head forward, fitting half of T-Rex’s head in her mouth. T-Rex didn’t like this, and ran away. Tanith laughed wickedly at him, but gave him a small treat before she left. Just to make peace with him.

 

*

 

Tanith shoved the door open and barged into Valkyrie’s living room. “What the up is fuck everybody?” She said, ‘everybody’ being just Valkyrie and Xena.

 

“The ceiling,” Valkyrie said.

 

“Ha-ha. So: the vine. What do we need for it?”

 

“Two cars, two people,” Valkyrie said. “We have one car. We need another.”

 

“Well, I don’t have a car. My bike wont do. We could borrow Ghastly’s van and film from in there. Just pretend it’s a car.”

 

“Yeah…”

 

“But it won’t be as good,” Tanith said. “There is a proper car we could borrow though.”

 

“I think you’re thinking what I’m thinking.”

 

“I think I’m thinking what you’re thinking, too.”

 

“The Bentley?” Valkyrie said.

 

“Yep. Do you think Skulduggery would let us?”

 

“Probably. He’s let me drive it in the past.”

 

“In that case, we should waste no time, and go ask him,” Tanith said.

 

“I agree. Let’s go!”

 

“Yeah!”

 

“I just need to get my shoes on. Then I need to get my jacket. Then I need to find  _ my  _  car keys. Then we can go!”

 

“Yeah!”

 

*

Valkyrie and Tanith pulled up outside Skulduggery’s house, parking alongside the Bentley.

 

“I know we’re not gonna do this, but just on the off chance he says no, I do know how to hotwire a car,” Tanith said as they got out Valkyrie’s car.

 

“Me too, actually. But it’d be easier to just steal his keys.”

 

“Oh yeah…”

 

“But we don't need to do any of that,” Valkyrie said, “he’ll let us borrow it.”

 

“Borrow what?” Skulduggery said, opening the door just as Valkyrie reached for the handle.

 

“Holy crap on a cracker,” Tanith exclaimed.

 

“Oh dammit, are you just heading out?” Valkyrie asked.

 

“Yes, I’ve got a meeting. Why?” As Skulduggery was talking, he tapped his collarbone and his facade slid up. It was quite a wrinkly face, with a moustache and blue eyes. He looked like a slender version of the man from Bargain Hunt.

 

“We need to borrow the Bentley,” Tanith said.

 

Skulduggery looked at Tanith, then looked at Valkyrie. He looked back at Tanith, and back at Valkyrie again.

 

“Dare I ask what for?”

 

“We need a car,” Valkyrie said.

 

“What’s wrong with your one?” Skulduggery asked, looking over their shoulders at Valkyrie’s car.

 

“We need another car,” Valkyrie said.

 

“Okay, why do you need two cars? I hope you’re not planning on racing them.”

 

“Oh no, we barely need to drive it. It just starts driving. We need to pretend it’s a police car. And either me or Tanith is going to be the policeman. Woman.”

 

Skulduggery made a sighing noise. “Fine. Only because I’m proud of you both for coming here instead of stealing a real police car.”

 

“Huh, you know you should be proud. We never even considered that,” Tanith said.

 

“Yeah, I’m kind of surprised by that,” Valkyrie said. “Wait, what about your meeting?”

 

“It’s just a meeting,” Skulduggery said, “not an important one. If it was important I would’ve said ‘important meeting.’ It’s in the name: ‘Important,’ and ‘meeting.’

 

“I guess that makes sense,” Valkyrie said.

 

“Of course it does.

 

“We’ll need to find a car park,” Tanith said, switching the subject back to the vine.

 

“That shouldn’t be too difficult,” said Valkyrie, “we’ll just drive around until we find one.”

 

“In that case, let us go forth!”

 

*

 

They drove to the nearest supermarket car park, there was one at one of the funeral homes down the road from Skulduggery’s house, but it was far too small, and it would be awkward if a member of staff caught them filming the vine. It would have been even worse if a grieving widow did…

 

So they pulled into the supermarket car park, and picked a good spot, Skulduggery parked alongside them, and Valkyrie and Tanith got out of the car. Valkyrie walked around the front of the Bentley and opened the drivers door.

 

“Right. Out,” Valkyrie ordered. Skulduggery got out, and Valkyrie got in. She rolled the window down, and reversed the car out of the parking spot, then positioned it so that you could see the back of Valkyrie’s car from the window. Skulduggery opened the door and sat in the passenger seat.

 

“It’s odd being in this seat. Is this how you feel all the time?” he asked.

 

“Probably. You do know you don’t have to be in the car for this?”

 

I know, but I don’t want to look like an idiot standing around outside, and I also want to make sure you don’t break anything.”

 

“You seriously need to have more faith in me,” Valkyrie said.

 

“Hah…”

 

“Whatever. Tanith, you ready?” Valkyrie asked, leaning out of the window.

 

Tanith opened the car boot. “Yup,” she said.

 

“Great. Oh damn, we need a siren. We should’ve bought an actual siren. I’ll have to get a sound effect on YouTube. Give me a minute.”

 

Valkyrie searched for siren sound effects on youtube. It took her a while, since so many were the wrong tones, or just had bad sound quality. After around five minutes, she found a suitable one. 

 

“Okay, now we can do it. Actually, Skulduggery, do you by any chance have a spare pair of sunglasses lying around in here?”

 

“I think I might,” Skulduggery said. “I fail to see how they’re important, buuut,” Skulduggery opened the glove box and produced a pair of large, round sunglasses, exactly like the ones he used to wear before China gave him the facade.

 

“These’ll do, although they don’t make me look as cool.”

 

“What are you talking about? Those glasses will make anyone look cool,” Skulduggery said. 

 

Valkyrie looked at herself in the rear-view mirror. She did  _ not _ look cool. At all. “Yeah…” she said doubtfully.

 

Tanith came over to the window. “Are we ready yet? We’ve been here for hours.”

 

“We’ve been here for like twenty minutes. But yeah, we’re ready. You know what to do?”

 

“Yep,” Tanith said, “after you say ‘ooh he’s stealing,’ wait, are you saying he or she’s stealing?”

 

“It’s up to you really,” Valkyrie said.

 

“Hmm, go for she’s stealing. Anyway, when you say that the second time, I look behind me, then run off.”

 

“Perfecto. Let’s do this.”

 

“Yup, this shouldn’t take long,” Tanith said, backing up to the car boot. “It takes no skill at all.”

 

“Exactly.” Valkyrie opened the camera on her phone, then remembered the siren sound effects. “Oh dammit. Tanith, can I borrow your phone?”

 

“Sure,” Tanith came back to the window and handed Valkyrie her phone. Valkyrie found the same video, and sat the phone on her lap. She envisioned herself filming the vine, and wondered how she would press play on the video, while also filming and driving.

 

“You know what?” Valkyrie said, “It’s actually useful that you’re here, Skulduggery. When I say ‘hey, hey’ can you press play on the video?”

 

“I suppose that’s not too difficult, as long as I don’t forget…”

 

Valkyrie gave Skulduggery a threatening look. 

 

“I’m joking,” he said.

 

“Good. Tanith, you ready?”

 

“Yes, I’m ready. As ready as I was the first fifty times you asked.”

 

“Good. Action!”

 

Valkyrie pressed record on her phone. It began filming. She was aware of how ridiculous she looked in the glasses. Maybe it would have been better to leave them out. Too late now, she had to commit.

 

“Ooh she’s stealing!” Valkyrie said in an amused tone of voice, “she’s stealing!” 

 

At this point, Tanith turned around, as if she was only just hearing Valkyrie. She looked around for a moment before running off.

 

“She- hey, hey!” Valkyrie said, Skulduggery pressed play on Tanith’s phone, and the sirens started as the car began rolling forward.  “Get back here!” Valkyrie said, and she stopped filming. “Ha, you were right, Tanith. We got it in one try.”

 

“That’s ‘cause we’re badasses.” Tanith said loudly. Someone was returning to their car with bags full of groceries, and they shot Tanith a judgemental glare, which Tanith ignored.

 

“Was that it?” Skulduggery asked, “I feel underwhelmed.” 

 

“Well I’m suitably chuffed with the each of us. It’s not very common for us to get it in one try. Although we have done it in the past.”

 

“At least you’re easily amused,” Skulduggery said.

 

“Exactly.” Valkyrie smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next Dexter is being a bit of a sleepyhead and Valkyrie has to wake him
> 
> You know the drill, requests and languages etc. Thank you again to Madman2.60 on fanfiction.net for the review and the suggestion for the next chapter.
> 
> Until next time


	41. Wake Up Sleepyhead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by me

"I like this one," Valkyrie announced. She'd spent the morning watching vines, trying to find the next one to recreate. It was a good morning, Tanith came over with T-Rex and a bag stuffed with food and promptly claimed the couch. Tanith and the dogs watched the newest Star Wars film from a couple of years ago and Valkyrie watched vines.

Tanith's head popped up on the other side of the couch.

"What's this now?"

"Our next vine."

"Ooh," Tanith stood up on the couch and leaped over the back of the couch, landing neatly on her feet.

"Play the vine," Tanith commanded with the air of a battle commander about to charge into war.

Valkyrie played the vine.

Tanith watched the vine in silence. She leaned in, closed down the browser, ignored Valkyrie's cries of protest, turned and stared at Valkyrie.

"Yes."

* * *

"I don't have any bunk beds," Valkyrie said.

"Trip to IKEA?" Tanith suggested.

"Trip to IKEA."

* * *

"I have no idea where I'm going," Valkyrie said.

"Ooh," Tanith grabbed a small flat pack set of spice rack shelves. "These would look so cute!"

Valkyrie eyed Tanith suspiciously as she added her newest prize to the filling trolley. Tanith had already procured a whole host of things in the trolley; bean bags, flat pack cabinets and a table, various cans of paint, a padded notice board, not to mention an entire child's armchair.

Valkyrie hadn't even noticed all the things as they went down the aisles but Tanith materialised them from somewhere.

"Ooh!" Tanith grabbed a set of curtains and tossed them into the trolley.

"Tanith," Valkyrie said.

"Valkyrie," Tanith said.

"I'm beginning to suspect you have an ulterior motive for this trip."

"Oh I definitely do," Tanith said, "but it's a surprise so I'll let you know later."

"Hmm," Valkyrie hummed suspiciously.

"I will. I promise. Oooh bunk beds!"

Tanith darted forward and Valkyrie followed.

"Hmmmm," Valkyrie and Tanith hummed and studied the range of bunk beds on the shelves before them.

A staff member stopped beside Tanith. Their name tag read 'Alex.'

"Can I help you with anything?" Alex asked.

"Yes," Valkyrie replied, "you wouldn't happen to know if any of these bunk beds are suitable to hold the weight of two grown men?"

"Both on the top bunk," Tanith added.

"That one is very sturdy for €580," Alex pointed to one on the high shelf above Tanith.

"Or we have one that is a top bunk only. Not proper bottom bunk," Alex said.

"That would be perfect," Valkyrie said.

"We have it on sale, down from €450 to €200."

"Guacamole that's quite a price drop," Tanith said.

"In all honesty we're trying to clear the stock. No one really wants to buy it."

Valkyrie and Tanith shared a look.

"We'll take it," they said in unison.

* * *

Tanith tossed her curtains on top of the mass of furniture related shopping in the boot of Ghastly's van.

"You do realise we gotta unload all this stuff once we get home?" Valkyrie asked.

"Yup," Tanith said cheerfully and shut the boot door.

* * *

"I'm starting to think this isn't worth it," Tanith said, setting her spanner down. The bunk beds were half assembled and it was going nowhere fast.

"We must keep on fighting!" Valkyrie threw her arms up and her hands flopped about at her head. "Yeah I can't lift my arms. I think it's time for lunch."

"Do you know what I want?" Tanith asked.

"What?"

"Tomato soup with cheese melted in. Bread and butter too."

"Yes."

Valkyrie and Tanith scrambled to their feet and bolted to the kitchen.

"I'll stick on the soup, you get the bread, cheese and butter," Valkyrie said.

"Yokey," Tanith said

* * *

"That was some good soup," Valkyrie said.

"I know right," Tanith agreed.

"You were right about melting down most of the cheese by putting it in the soup then finishing heating the soup."

"It's great. There's just melted cheese then those lovely cubes of half melted cheese. So good."

"So good."

A momentary pause settled down.

"Do we get back to building the bunk bed now?"

"I guess."

* * *

"Who are we getting to star in it?" Tanith asked. She had sprawled out on the couch like a movie star, T-Rex beside her.

"Saracen and Dexter?" Valkyrie suggested.

"Phone them and see."

Valkyrie whipped out her mobile.

"Huh. My phone's dead. Can I borrow yours?" Valkyrie asked.

"Whatever happened to good old fashioned landline?"

"I don't know Dexter's number."

"Fair point. Yeet!" Tanith launched her phone at Valkyrie.

Valkyrie watched as it bounced onto the couch beside her.

"You are so incredibly lucky that did not land on the floor."

* * *

"What do we need to do?" Dexter asked.

"You two lie on the bed that we spent five hours setting up. I burst in and go 'wake up sleepy head' you wake and then Saracen sits up and there's some script things I'll go over in a bit," Valkyrie explained.

"You spend five hours setting up a bed?" Saracen asked.

"Is that all you got from that?" Tanith asked.

"I picked up something about my name but I was distracted by the bed thing."

"We bought a flat pack bunk bed from IKEA," Valkyrie said, "and Tanith bought a bunch of other random ass stuff."

"It has a purpose. You just don't know what that purpose is yet."

"You bought a flat pack bunk bed fom IKEA to film a vine?" Dexter asked.

"Yes."

* * *

"Action!" Valkyrie called out.

Valkyrie burst into the room holding her phone up above her, catching her face and Dexter in the shot.

"Wake up sleepy head!"

Dexter jerked up and rubbed at his eyes. Saracen sat up sleepy beside him.

"What the fuck man?"

Valkyrie clapped her hand over her mouth, muffling a laugh-squeal and stopped filming.

"Nice one guys! Now who wants some McDonalds as payment?" Tanith asked.

"We could go for McDonalds," Saracen said, patting his belly.

"McDonalds it is!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is no excuse for this taking as long as it did to write, especially with how short it is. Except shrimp. I got pet shrimp so they took up some time. It's a funny story if anyone wants to hear about Operation Shrimp.
> 
> As I also said in the update note that is since deleted, I have a load of baby Guppy fish who need names if anyone wants to suggest any. I've already got a few SP names; China, Solomon, Cleavers, Tanith, Rue and there was also a Shudder but he sadly died, so I'm open to SP names.
> 
> Anyways, any requests for vines, any suggestions for fish names - send them in!
> 
> Apologies again for the delay.
> 
> Until next time


	42. My Main Goal Is To Blow Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by KenrickMNP

"Tanith, I know what vine we can do next," Valkyrie announced.

"Do continue, Valkyrie," Tanith said. They were lounging around in Valkyrie's living room, as they often did when there was nothing better to do.

Valkyrie cleared her throat, then said "my main goal, is to blow up, and then act like I don't know nobody, haw haw haw haw haw haw."

"That one! We should do it today. I think I should do it though, no offense but that impression was kinda bad. The laugh is more like 'har har har har har har,' rather than 'haw haw haw haw haw haw,'" Tanith said.

"Har har har har har har har har," Valkyrie said, replicating what Tanith just did.

"That was better, but another thing is that for that particular vine, you need pink hair. You don't have pink hair."

"Neither do you," Valkyrie pointed out.

"Yeah but I've got blonde hair, so hair spray will show up better."

"Hm, I guess that's true. So we need to get pink hairspray."

"And something to stick my hair down," Tanith said, "so either normal hair spray or hair gel."

"Whatever we find first?"

"Right, good idea."

"What about your teeth?" Valkyrie asked her.

"Oh damn," Tanith said. She hadn't thought about that. "I don't really feel like having a dentist chisel my teeth into spikes…"

"Pretty sure they file them down, chisels are too clumsy."

"Oh, well that's better. Let's phone a dentist and get my teeth filed down."

"Really?"

"No."

"Oh," Valkyrie said.

"We could drive into the city and find a fancy dress shop, see if they have fake teeth? You know those Scarecrow fangs you get that mould to the shape of your normal teeth?"

"Oh yeah, that'd look cool. Expensive though."

"Yeah… Oh well, we can still have a look. We don't need to get that, just any old fake teeth would do. We'll see what they've got."

"Sounds like a plan," Valkyrie said. "Since we've nothing better to do- let's get going."

"Yaargh!" Tanith groaned her battle cry with tired enthusiasm as she stood up. "Alright. Let's go!" she said.

* * *

Half an hour later, they were driving into the city.

"Should we get the hair stuff first or the teeth?" Valkyrie asked.

"Hm, I don't know. Let's go for the teeth. Try a fancy dress place, they might have coloured hair spray as well as fake teeth."

"Good thought. I'm pretty sure there's a shop like that around...here. Nope, that's an art shop. Maybe it's down here…"

"Should we have made a plan before we left?" Tanith suggested.

"No, I know where we're going," Valkyrie said in an absolutely convincing tone as she took a left "I just don't know it's location."

"Uh-huh. Is it that one over there?" Tanith asked, as her arm stretched out in front of Valkyrie, pointing to a shop which had fancy dress costumes in the window.

"Yes! See, I told you I knew where it was."

"I never doubted you for a second," Tanith said.

They had to park down the road a little bit, since there were no spaces outside the shop, but they found a place, then got out the car and walked up the path. They stopped outside the window. It looked like the store owners hadn't changed the display since Halloween. There was a long, easily flammable looking witch robe, a blood splattered scary clown, and a sexy nurse costume. Classic Halloween. The costumes hung above merchandise for many different films and TV shows. Valkyrie spotted a replica Lord of the Rings ring, as well as one of the Elven leaf brooches. There was a few Funko Pops from various superhero films, and Lego minifigures in those little packets you get.

"Do you think they'll have fake teeth?" Tanith asked.

"Only one way to find out," Valkyrie said, looking up from the messy display, and swinging the door open. Tanith followed her. They gave friendly nods to the man sitting at the counter, who glanced up from his tablet but didn't return the gesture. He had black hair and a thick beard which grew from his chin and connected to sideburns, but no moustache. That and his big ears made him look like a young Abraham Lincoln, Tanith decided. She also decided that she didn't like him, whereas Valkyrie more or less forgot about him after her nod. She crossed over to the far wall. The shop was bigger than it looked from the outside. It seemed to be split in two, with racks of more costumes, wigs, and plastic props in one half, and shelves with more nerdy merchandise in the other. The back wall was covered in Funko Pops. Valkyrie had a vision of removing just one from the bottom, and watching the whole lot fall over. She avoided that wall. Just in case she couldn't control her impulses.

Tanith tapped her on the arm, "teeth," she said, and led Valkyrie across to where she spotted many types of fake teeth, and also out of the view of Abe Lincoln at the counter.

Some of them were classic Vampire teeth, with only extended canines, some were all long and thin, and Tanith wondered how anyone could function wearing them for more than a minute at a time. "That is a lot of teeth," Tanith said.

"They know. They just don't care," Valkyrie said in a gruff voice. Tanith looked around and saw her wearing a Batman mask, which had a cardboard label flapping around, stuck to the top of it.

Tanith laughed, "you know, I hate to nitpick, but he says that in The Dark Knight Rises, and that label says The Dark Knight, so…"

Valkyrie lifted the mask up to show her incredulous face. "Really?" she asked.

"Sorry, but it's true."

Valkyrie took the mask off and replaced it on a rack behind her. "So which are the best teeth to get do you think?"

"Either these ones," Tanith picked up a set which were all equally short and pointy, "or a few of these ones," she picked up a set which had only two teeth in them. These were the Scarecrow teeth that they'd mentioned earlier. They were encased in a plastic coffin-shaped container.

"How much are they?"

Tanith looked at the price. "Ooh," she said, cringing slightly, "seventeen euros… we'd need, what, four, six sets? That'll be a no, unless you want to pay, hold on," Tanith held up a finger as she did her sum, "unless you want to pay one hundred and two euros?"

"Nope, how much is this set?" Valkyrie picked up the other ones, with even lengths of tooth.

"A fiver. Pretty much," Tanith said.

"Let's go with these."

"Yup," Tanith put the Scarecrow teeth back, and took two sets of the cheaper teeth. One for the top row of teeth, and one for the bottom. "Okay, let's have a quick look for hair spray, and if they don't have it we'll go somewhere else."

They walked up and and down the shelves, eyeing them swiftly but thoroughly, until they came across rows of wigs, and next to them were stacks of hairspray. 'Stacks,' however, was the wrong word. They were on a rack as high as Valkyrie's chest, and yet there were only seven canisters; two green, two blue, two yellow, and one pink.

"Thank fuck," said Tanith, "I thought they didn't have any pink for a second. Could you imagine how much of an inconvenience that would've been?"

"I know, right?" Valkyrie agreed. She picked up the can, and handed it to Tanith.

They brought the sets of teeth and the hairspray to the counter, and the Abraham Lincoln look alike scanned them, glancing quickly at his iPad every few seconds. Tanith tried to look at what was playing, but the placement of it meant she couldn't see.

"Eleven ninety seven," the man said. Valkyrie handed a ten and a five note. The man put it in the till, then sat back. Valkyrie and Tanith stood awkwardly for a few seconds, before the man remembered their change, and clumsily counted out a handful of coins.

"Thanks Abraham," Tanith said as they stepped out onto the street, the bell of the door ringing as it shut.

"Wow, he was very professional," Valkyrie said.

"I know, right? Never mind though. Now we need to find hair gel."

"Yup," they reached the car and got in.

Tanith took the teeth out of the packets and stuck them in her mouth. She moved her jaw around a bit, then smiled.

"Do they work?" Valkyrie asked, "try saying something."

"Something," Tanith said. You could tell just by hearing her that the teeth were too big, but she was understandable, so they would do fine.

"Perfect. Ish." Valkyrie started the car.

"Alright, I feel like that took longer than necessary," Tanith said.

"We were only like five or ten minutes," Valkyrie said, glancing at the digital clock on the dashboard, before focusing her attention solely on the road.

"Seriously? It felt as if we were in there for like two days."

"...No it didn't," Valkyrie said.

"It did to me. Whatever, it doesn't matter. We need hair gel. Where do we get that?"

"I would assume they sell it at most normal supermarkets. I've never bought it before, so I've never had to look. I know! Let's ask Fletcher, he uses so much of it."

"Good idea, we could even just ask to borrow some," said Tanith.

"Oh wait. It's a school day. He'll be working."

"Fuck. His job is always getting in the way of our fun. He should quit."

"He might have time to reply to a text," Valkyrie suggested, "I'll ask where he gets his, and by that I mean you can, because I am a responsible driver. Hopefully he'll reply soon."

"What do you want to do in the meantime?" Tanith asked conversationally as she typed out the text.

"Pizza?"

"It's kinda an awkward time. It's past lunch but too early for dinner." Tanith pressed send

"Is it ever too early for pizza?"

"Excellent point. Domino's or Pizza Hut?"

"Wherever we reach first," Valkyrie said.

"Ooh, Fletcher replied," Tanith said

"Dammit, okay, but we're going for pizza later. What'd he say?"

"He says he's recently been getting it from a guy he's made friends with who makes it at home and sells it through his sister's butcher shop."

"That's an odd way to style hair, it sounds kinda shady to be honest. Nevermind though, where's this butcher shop?"

"It's in Tashkent."

"Oh yeah, Tashkent. I know where that is. Who doesn't, right? Just do me a favour and jog my memory, where's that again?"

"Tashkent is the capital city of Uzbekistan."

"Fucking fuck."

"Yup," Tanith said.

"Ask him how he expects us, a couple of people who are unable to teleport, to get to Uzbekistan."

"I've asked him where else you can get hair gel. I feel like he's rushing, we're probably interrupting a class," Tanith said.

"Yeah that's true. We'll just have to be patient, but keep in mind I want to get back home sometime  _before_  midnight."

"Okay, he says we shouldn't have been so vague in our question, and that you can get it pretty much anywhere that has a basic beauty and hygiene section, with stuff like like deodorant or toothpaste. So we were pretty much right."

"Alright. There's a Tesco around here somewhere. I think…"

After quarter an hour of driving in random directions, they found the Tesco. Valkyrie found a parking space close to the front door, and they got out.

"Oh shit," Tanith said, "I just remembered. The guy in the vine has a beard, right? It's all zig-zaggy, how are we going to find a fake beard like that?"

Valkyrie thought about it for a second. "Leave it to me," she said. "You get the hair gel, I'll sort out your beard."

A man passed as she was saying this and gave her an odd look. Valkyrie just smiled.

"Alright," Tanith said, "meet back here?"

"Yup, I doubt either of us will be very long, right?"

"Probably not," Tanith said sheepishly. "But you know what I'm like. I may come back with a trolley full of sugary shi...cheese," she changed the last word quickly as a woman passed with two small children.

"Sure you will," Valkyrie said. They made their way into the shop, and split up, Tanith headed to find hair gel, and Valkyrie headed to find only god knows what.

* * *

Tanith found the health and beauty section and scanned the shelves until she found hair products. "Ah-ha," she said to herself, and picked up a tube of VO5 mega hold styling gel. "This'll do," she said.

"Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness," she heard a girl say. Tanith turned around.

"Huh?" Tanith said.

"Nothin'," the teenage girl said, and wondered off. Tanith frowned, but ignored her. She was about to wander off herself, but spotted a bottle of hairspray, and decided to take it as well, in case, for whatever reason, the gel didn't work.

Tanith bought and paid for the hair products, and went outside to find Valkyrie standing with her hands behind her back where they'd agreed to meet up.

"Did you get the hair gel?" Valkyrie asked.

"Yup, hair gel and spray, just in case," said Tanith, holding up the items. "Did you get a fake beard thing?"

"Yup," Valkyrie said. She took her hands from behind her back and held up a multipack of Sharpie marker pens. She grinned.

"Seriously?" Asked Tanith a little apprehensively.

"Yeah I'm serious. You know it was almost twenty euros for this, and we only need one colour."

"So we're just going to draw the beard on?"

"Yep, this colour here," Valkyrie held her finger on the colour she was talking about, a sort of sandy yellow. "It'll look like hair. Probably. Now, do you want to film the vine here in the carpark, or wait until we get back to mine?"

"Well I'd prefer to have a mirror for styling my hair, so we'll get to yours and then do it."

"Sounds good to me," Valkyrie said.

Valkyrie sat outside the bathroom where Tanith was sorting out her hair and applying the sharpie beard, eagerly anticipating Tanith's revelation. Valkyrie was holding back laughter just from the thought of what Tanith would look like, and from the occasional snigger coming from the bathroom, she was right in thinking Tanith would look ridiculous.

"Okay, I'm ready," Tanith said, muffled by the teeth in her mouth, and by the door between them.

"Hurry up, I want to see."

"Don't laugh," said Tanith.

"I'm going to laugh," Valkyrie replied.

The door handle moved, and the door itself slowly swung open.

"Ta-daa! How do I look?"

Valkyrie burst out laughing. She stopped, cleared her throat, then laughed some more. "You look like a lizard took meth in a hair dye factory explosion."

"That's oddly specific. I want to be where you've been."

The hair gel plan had worked surprisingly well. The hair was pretty much plastered to Tanith's scalp, and had been soaked in pink spray. Valkyrie could smell the fumes spill out of the room.

"Come on, let's go. This honestly should've been an easy one."

"I know, right? We should've been eating pizza right now, musing over our mutual genius"

"Oh damn, I forgot we were planning pizza."

"This world is full of atrocities…" Tanith said sadly.

"That it is…"

They stood outside the bathroom for a moment, staring at the ground.

"We should probably go," Tanith said.

"Yup, sorry. I got distracted by upsetting thoughts about pizza."

They headed down the stairs and out the front door.

"Oh fuck! I forgot about the hat. We need a hat!" Tanith said.

"Oh shit. Don't worry, I have a hat, you go wait in the car," Valkyrie said. She ran back inside, smiled at Xena, then jogged to a drawer. She opened it. There was a ton of paper case files Skulduggery had lent her, which she had meant to read, but never gotten round to. No hat though. She opened the drawer beneath it. There was a woollen hat, a scarf. Another woollen hat. And a baseball cap. It didn't have the MTV logo on it, but it would have to do. "Yes!" Valkyrie said. She jogged back outside. "I got it," she said, opening the car.

"Wonderful," Tanith replied as she gently put on the cap without ruining her hair.

"Do you want me in the car with you?" Valkyrie asked.

"Sure, if you want," Tanith said, "this is going to go so fast. As long as you don't laugh at me, because then I'll laugh. It'll probably be done in one take."

"On second thought, I'm going to wait out there until you're done. Because there is no way I won't be laughing."

"That's a good plan. Oh wait- your phone?"

Valkyrie handed Tanith her phone before she got out the strolled around to the front. She watch as Tanith opened the camera, and started talking. Valkyrie could hear Tanith's voice very faintly through the car, but when Tanith took off her cap and began laughing, it was loud and clear, showing off all of the wonderfully strange teeth in Tanith's mouth. Valkyrie began giggling to herself. Tanith tapped the phone and held up her thumb, then leaned out the car.

"First try, bitches!" she said.

"Hooray! Let me see," Valkyrie said.

Tanith got out of the car completely, and came up to Valkyrie with the phone in her hand.

"My main goal, is to blow up," Tanith said in the video, doing a surprisingly good accent, "and then act like I don't know nobody. Har-har-har-har-har!"

"That was wonderful," Valkyrie said, grinning massively.

"That it was. Now, how the fuck am I going to wash my hair?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next be Tanith man? Or be Tanith dolphin?
> 
> It's on time this week! Unrealted note - it was my dog's birthday yesterday. He's eight now. He's the yorkie that T-Rex is based from and actually plays T-Rex in the video re-enactment of Pour Some Sugar. It's up on youtube and on tumblr, it's linked in a previous chapter.
> 
> (Insert usual stuff here, shoutouts, requests etc)
> 
> Until next time


	43. Man Or Dolphin?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by me.

 

"Tanith's phone," Ghastly answered the phone.

"Hey Ghastly," Valkyrie said.

"Hey Valkyrie. You wanting Tanith?"

"Ideally yeah, but if she's busy I'll have a chat with you. How you been?"

A shrill cry echoed over the phone.

"Is that Tanith?" Valkyrie asked.

"Hold on," Ghastly's voice faded off as he walked away from the phone.

"It's a mobile phone you can carry it with you!" Valkyrie called out.

Over the next few minutes a series of bangs, thuds and even a loud crash reached the phone.

Valkyrie was halfway through singing "Somebody Told Me" by the Killers for a second time when Tanith picked up the phone.

"Sorry about that, I was trying to fix the …. something but something went wrong and I broke the staircase."

"Ok-ay. Is it fixed? Cause I have a vine to do."

"It is not fixed but I can leave it."

"Is it safe to leave T-Rex with a broken staircase?"

"Oh he's at Ghastly's. He likes lying on the soft fluffy fabrics."

"Aww."

"So what's the vine?"

"Man or Dolphin?"

"I recognise the name but I can't picture it."

"I'll send you the link. You in?"

"Hells yeah I'm in," Tanith paused for a second to take a large breath , "GHASTLY! I'M HEADING OUT!"

"Want me to fix the stairs?" Valkyrie heard Ghastly faintly calling back.

"NAH. I'LL DO IT WHEN I COME BACK!"

"Okay."

"You have a mobile phone," Valkyrie said, "you could've just walked to Ghastly and told him."

"Nah. Yelling is more fun."

"Okay… Meet me at mine in an hour. Bring a swimming costume."

"Gotcha. Wait -"

Valkyrie hung up.

* * *

"You ready?" Valkyrie called up the stairs. Tanith was in the bathroom getting changed into her swimming costume. It was a simple red one that came with a complication half hour long story. Something about a grumpy cashier and a wrong label and a crying baby and a seagull. Valkyrie lost track of the story about two points in, shortly after the grumpy cashier.

"Almost!" Tanith shouted back, "got it!"

"Hallelujah!" Valkyrie cried out.

"All you sinners stand up sing hallelujah!" Tanith sang coming out of the bathroom.

"Hallelujah!"

"Show praise with your body stand up sing hallelujah."

"Hallelujah!"

"And if you can't stop shaking, lean back, let it move right through ya."

"Hallelujah!"

"Say your prayers, say your prayers, say your prayers!"

"Damn it now that song's stuck in my head," Valkyrie said.

"Heh."

* * *

"Woman or dolphin? Man or dolphin?" Valkyrie asked as they parked at the closest car park to the precise part of the river they needed to go to.

"I'm good with either, gender is a spectrum and we all fluctuate between it's extremities," Tanith shrugged.

Valkyrie blinked.

"I'll go with whatever ends up coming out my mouth," Valkyrie said.

Tanith nodded, "I'm good with that."

"You are aware this will be cold?" Fletcher asked. They'd met Fletcher at the filming location after Valkyrie decided they needed someone in case something went wrong. Tanith and water had a habit of attracting bad luck, like being attacked by a yorkie, being chased by a swan, hitting into things and bringing evil wasps.

"Really?" Tanith asked, already shivering in her swimming costume. "I was under the impression it would be like swimming in the Mediterranean."

"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit," Valkyrie chimed in.

"Get the fuck," Tanith threw her towel at Valkyrie. Valkyrie watched it fall to the ground far in front of her with a deadpan look.

"Let's just get started," Valkyrie said.

* * *

Valkyrie held her phone up, her face filled half the screen and Tanith was visible standing behind her.

Valkyrie began speaking, "...gills, man or dolphin?" Valkyrie tilted her chin to the side and stopped filming.

"Into position!" Valkyrie instructed.

Tanith tiptoed over the path, complaining about her feet and stopped on the grassy bank a few steps away from the river's edge.

Valkyrie stood on the path and held up her phone.

"Action!"

Tanith waddle-ran to the edge of the river and jumped up.

"Ee-ee-ee," Tanith creaked as she landed feet first into the water. Her body tipped backwards, slipping under the water, looking at the camera all the way down.

Valkyrie stopped filming.

Tanith surfaced with a loud gasp.

"Fucking fuck it's cold!" Tanith slapped the surface of the water.

"Told you," Fletcher said.

Tanith sent a slash of river water shooting on to the river bank, splattering down safely away from Fletcher.

"Missed," Fletcher stuck out his tongue.

"Children behave. We have another two scenes to film," Valkyrie said, "once we're done that we can drown Fletcher."

"Yay!" Tanith cheered and leaped up, crashing back down into the water with an almighty splash.

* * *

Valkyrie held her phone up again.

"You ready? Just duck under the water when I say action then do the dolphin dive out of the water," Valkyrie said.

"I know, I know."

"Action!" Valkyrie began filming.

Tanith ducked under the water.

She surfaced and dove back under in a neat curve while slightly wriggling her upper body.

"Where'd it go? Oh my god!" Valkyrie screeched. She stopped filming and Tanith surfaced again.

"Now you gotta go down river to that waterfall bit," Valkyrie said, "you have one more dolphin jump to do then you get to slide down a waterfall."

"Yay!" Tanith stood up, the water hitting an inch or so below her hip. She jumped up and dove forward, disappearing in a smooth dive under the water.

"Fletcher," Valkyrie said, "to the waterfall!"

Fletcher grabbed Tanith's towel, placed his hand on Valkyrie's shoulder and teleported up river.

* * *

"Action!"

Tanith did another dolphin dive, curving her body in a smooth motion, like an actual dolphin.

"Cut!" Valkyrie stopped filming.

Tanith surfaced.

"You ready for the best part?" Valkyrie asked.

"Hell yeah."

Tanith began swimming over the waterfall.

"I'm going to start filming now!" Valkyrie called out.

"Y'okay!"

Valkyrie began filming as Tanith swam closer and closer. She pulled her arms back to be alongside her body and let the water force her down the waterfall.

Tanith was pushed under the water headfirst. She waited until the water released her and she surfaced gently, getting nudged down river by the new current.

"Bye Tanith," Valkyrie waved.

"Bye Valkyrie!" Tanith waved back as she let herself drift downstream.

* * *

It was rather relaxing, floating on her back down the river, albeit a little cold. Just a nice, relaxing, cold float accompanied by a swan. A swan?

Tanith put her feet down and stood on the balls of her feet, keeping her chin above the water. It was deeper here than before. A beautiful white swan was gliding menacingly towards her. There was a familiar malice it the curve of its neck and its beak.

It wasn't any swan. It was The swan.

Tanith leaped backwards, twisted under the surface and swam against the current to the shore. She scrambled up and ran along the grass.

"Everybody run! It's the swan! It's the swan!"

Tanith ran past Valkyrie and Fletcher soaking wet in her swimming costume shrieking.

"Swan?" Fletcher asked.

"Oh no," Valkyrie looked to where Tanith ran from. A swan was swimmingly along the river beside the bank. It glared at her in a swan like way.

"Oh shit, RUN!"

Valkyrie took off after Tanith.

"But the car's the other way!"

Fletcher began running after them and teleported ahead.

The swan swam off the other way.

"What the…?"

Finnegan 'Finn' MacCool lowered his binoculars. Ronan had reported suspicious activity from Valkyrie Cain and Tanith Low, one of the other 'deputes' had told him. There was nothing suspicious about going swimming in the river and getting chased by a swan. He himself often went swimming in the river, it was a tad cold at times but nothing like an icy plunge to keep your heart going. And he was tough. He named himself after the English name of giant who built the Causeway.

Finnegan's phone buzzed. He pulled it out. It was Cian. Recently out of a two month prison stint Cian was no less annoying and filled with self-inflated self-importance. It all fairness Cian was a moron. How he had a higher rank than Finnegan was utterly beyond him.

Finnegan answered the phone.

"What?"

"Ronan wants us all back. Boss is planning something and Ronan's filling us in."

Finnegan sighed, "fine."

"How's the surveillance?" Cian asked.

"Nothing suspicious to report. Just some weird but not suspicious behaviour."

"They see you?"

"Nope, and I didn't get arrested either."

"Fuck you Finnegan -"

Finnegan hung up.

They had been told for the last two years that something was being planned, that something big was happening. And each time it was bullshit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next, you know I don't actually know. We'll all have to wait and see next Wednesday.
> 
> The Bloodcats are back, they've been absent for a while but they'll be around more, considering they're apparently up to something...
> 
> Has anyone ever seen real life dolphins? I've seen Risso's Dolphins before, as well as Pilot Whales and Orcas all in the wild. It was pretty cool.
> 
> Anyways, you know the drill, send it requests and languages. The comment box is open for requests, or if you want you can send in an ask/pm on tumblr with requests. My tumblr is nolder-elf-who-likes-cookies
> 
> Until next time!


	44. Kevin Watch The Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by KenrickMNP

"Alright," said Tanith, walking into Valkyrie's room. "I have decided on our next vine. The pros of doing this one are simple; it's funny, it's entertaining, it's easy-ish to do, it's funny…"

"And the cons?" Valkyrie asked, spinning around on her chair.

"You're going to lose a light."

"Brilliant," Valkyrie said sarcastically. "So what vine is it?"

"Kevin, watch the light, dude," Tanith said.

"Ahh, that is a good one. And I know what light we can use. It's a bastard of a light. I always hit my head on it."

"Is it that one around here?" Tanith asked, heading out of the room. Valkyrie got up and followed.

"Yes!" Valkyrie said when Tanith stopped in front of the light. It was on the corner which turned onto the hallway where they had filmed the 'I could've dropped my croissant' vine, and stuck out of the wall, with a glass shade.

"I don't know why," Valkyrie said, "but I always forget it exists. So if I'm on my phone, or even just zoned out a little, then my head goes whack. I always expect it to break, but it never has. Not yet, not properly. Once, I was having a bad day, and I hit my head, so I punched it, and it didn't smash like I hoped, but it cracked, see? It's like a smile. It's taunting me every day…"

Tanith looked at Valkyrie, then she looked at the light. Then she looked back to Valkyrie. "It's good to have an enemy," Tanith said, "Skulduggery had Serpine, I have a swam, you have a light."

"Yeah, I think I got a bit distracted there," said Valkyrie, switching her gaze from the light to Tanith.

"If your fist didn't break it, then how will a pillow?"

"Oh yeah, damn. We could put something heavy in the pillowcase?"

"That'll work. What an easy solution, right?" Tantih said. "Okay, so we just need to move a mattress over here, and then get someone to film it."

"Yup. Fletcher should be free, so we can ask him."

"Perfect. In that case, Tanith, I raise this very simple question: What's stopping us from getting started right now?"

"Umm…"

"Nothing," Valkyrie said.

"Nothing! I was gonna say that... You didn't give me a chance. Alright, you get Fletcher, and I'll move the mattress. Which one should I use?"

"Get the one Alice uses. It's closest, and she won't be using it anytime soon, so if it gets damaged we can always replace it."

"How do you damage a mattress?" Tanith asked.

"Its us."

"Point taken. All right, I'm off to get the mattress." Tanith ran off to the bedroom Alice had adopted.

It was surprisingly clean, but to be fair Alice probably didn't keep many toys here. And Valkyrie had made the bed. Tanith thought it would be nice of her to carefully roll up the duvet and lay it on the floor, then set the pillows next to it to make things easier for Valkyrie. But who had time for that? Not Tanith. She grabbed the duvet by the corner, and pulled it off in one swift motion. It made a whoosh sound and landed in a crumbled mess on the floor.

She could hear Valkyrie talking to Fletcher on the phone. As usual, it didn't take long for him to agree. Because everyone has fun when Tanith and Valkyrie made vines. Everyone except for Skulduggery, because he was normally confused. And China, because she always had more important stuff to do. Also any bystanders when they made them in public. But apart from that everyone had fun. Even Anton. Maybe.

Tanith shifted the pillows, then gripped the mattress and began sliding it from the actual bed. It knocked the bedside cabinet, and a lamp fell over. it didn't smash as it knocked onto the wood of the cabinet, so Tanith counted it as a victory. She pulled the mattress again, and it slid right off the bed and thumped on the ground. She dragged it, checking behind her to make sure she didn't walk into any door frames. When she got to the door, she decided it would be too much energy to simply twist the mattress onto its side, so she just pulled it through, and it wedged itself between the door. It now resembled a massive grey lumpy hot dog roll.

"How's it going?" Valkyrie asked.

"Halfway okay, halfway there. Whooah we're halfway there" Tanith began to sing before turning to Valkyrie, and seeing Fletcher standing there too. "Oh hey, you're here now."

"Sup," Fletcher said.

"Can you go in there and push from the inside?"

Fletcher vanished, and a split second later Tanith felt pushing from the other end of the mattress. She continued pulling it in response, and in short bursts it started coming.

"Okay hold on," Valkyrie said, "I'll never forgive myself if I don't do this while I have the chance."

"Do what?" Tantih asked cautiously.

"Move out the way please, Tanith. Fletcher, you too."

Tanith and Fletcher moved to the side. Valkyrie walked backwards, then threw herself forward, leaping onto the mattress. She landed in the crease and began giggling madly.

"That looked fun. You finished?" Tanith asked.

"Uh-huh." Valkyrie tried to push herself up, but the mattress was too cramped, and she wriggled around instead. "Oh fuck! I'm stuck. I've become a sausage and I'm going to die as a-"

Tanith grabbed Valkyrie's boots, and with all her strength she pulled. Valkyrie was dragged backwards. From where Fletcher was standing, it was like a scene in a horror movie where someone is dragged screaming into the shadows. Only it wasn't shadowy. It was actually well lit, but that wasn't the point. When Tanith pulled Valkyrie all the way through the other end, when fell backwards with the force she was pulling with. She hit the wall with her head, and heard a crunching noise.

"I'm free!" Valkyrie cheered.

"Fixing your wall won't be, though," said Tanith.

"What?" Valkyrie said, turning her head. She crawled over to Tanith. The plasterboard wall had cracked when Tanith hit it, and now there was a head-shaped hole in it.

"Sorry…" Tanith said.

Valkyrie sighed. "One problem at a time. I know how to fix a wall, so we'll do the vine first, then get I'll get that sorted."

"That's a good plan," Tanith said. "You've really got your shit together."

"Figured I'd better learn to adult. Somethings are fun. Taxes are not fun. Neither is doing the dishes."

"Get a dishwasher," Tanith suggested.

"I had one. I broke it."

A dull thump echoed behind them. They turned, and saw Fletcher standing triumphantly over the mattress, which was no longer wedged in the doorway.

"Yay!" Valkyrie said.

"Yay!" Tanith said. "Now we just set it up, and film the vine."

"I'll let you guys do that," Fletcher said. "I'm tired after getting it out of the door."

Tanith and Valkyrie lifted the mattress up, and slid along the floor until it was in front of the light, then leaned it against the wall.

"That'll do," Valkyrie said. "Now, who's going to be Kevin?"

"I'm up for it," Fletcher said.

"Are you sure you're going to be strong enough to break the light?"

"Of course," Fletcher said, "just 'cause I don't have massive muscles like you two doesn't mean I'm not strong."

"You literally just said you were tired after getting the mattress out the door," Tanith said.

"Oh yeah… Well I can do this. Trust me, it'll be fine."

"Fine," Valkyrie said. "I'll film, Fletcher, you're Kevin, and Tanith, you're hit by the pillow."

"Got it. Hold on," Tanith ran back into the bedroom and got a three pillows. When she came back, she threw three of them at Fletcher. "Hey Valkyrie, guess what?"

Valkyrie looked at Tanith, "what?" she asked before getting hit on the side of the head with a pillow. Tanith and Fletcher sniggered. "You did not just do that," Valkyrie said. "Fletcher, pillow," she demanded. Fletcher compliantly handed her one of his pillows.

Valkyrie leaped towards Tanith and swung her pillow at her. There was a loud thwunk as the air rushed out of the pillowcase, and Tanith's hair went all over the place. She spun around and returned the blow, then hopped onto the wall and behind the mattress for cover.

"Alright, Val," Fletcher said, "I think you'd be a better fit for Kevin."

"I mean I'm not opposed… You're the one who wanted to be Kevin, but if you're okay with me being him, then I'll be him. It's up to you."

"God, this feels like one of those scenes in films where the kid gives up his teddy bear to the slightly younger kid," Fletcher said. "Okay, alright. Whatever, you're Kevin now. I hereby hand over the rights of Kevin, to you. Also this pillow."

"Pretty sure you had no rights in the first place, but thanks," Valkyrie said, taking the second pillow. "Now then, we're doing the vine. Fletcher, here's my phone. You know what to say and everything?"

"Yup. I think. Nah, yeah, I know."

"That was convincing," Tanith said.

"Alright, get in position," Valkyrie said.

"We pretty much are already, right?" Fletcher said.

"Oh yeah… In that case, stay in position," Valkyrie said.

"Alright, Fletcher. When you're ready," Tanith said.

"I'm ready," Fletcher said. "Are you ready?"

"I'm ready," Tanith said. "Valkyrie, are you ready?"

"I'm ready," Valkyrie said.

"In that case," Fletcher said, "action!" He pressed record, and once it was recording, he said, "Kevin, don't."

Valkyrie whacked the pillows together, and Tanith raised her hands to shield her face.

"Kevin, Kevin," Fletcher said

Valkyrie moved her right arm, as if she were about to hit Tanith.

"Kevin, watch the light, dude."

"Watch the light," Tanith said quietly, pointing at the light.

Valkyrie smacked the pillow against the light. Tanith flinched, but the light didn't break.

"Son of a bitch," Valkyrie said.. Fletcher stopped recording.

"I forgot we were gonna use a weight," Tanith said.

"I was hoping the pillow would work on it's own."

"Want me to go get a brick?" Fletcher asked. "Or a rock."

"Go to my gym," Valkyrie said. "Get one of the weights from a dumbbell. Not one that's too heavy. That might make it look unnatural. You know what I mean?"

"I think so," Fletcher said. "So a dumbell, not heavy enough to weigh down the pillow when you're swinging it around, but heavy enough to break the light."

"Exactly," Valkyrie said.

Fletcher vanished. Valkyrie and Tanith waited, standing in front of each other with the mattress between them. There was a dull crash from somewhere in the house, then Fletcher reappeared, smiling nervously. He held out the weight, and Valkyrie took it.

"Did you do something?" Valkyrie asked.

"No," Fletcher said immediately.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah… No. I got curious and tried to lift one of the heavy weights. I dropped it. But don't worry, nothing broke."

"Hmmm. Okay then," Valkyrie dropped the weight in with the pillow that she held in her right hand.

"We did pretty well the first time, you know, apart from the fact that the light didn't break," Tanith said. " We should get it bang on this time, right?"

"Hopefully," Valkyrie said.

"Ready then?" Fletcher said.

"Yup," Valkyrie said.

"Yup," Tanith said.

"Good. Action!" Fletcher said, then: "Kevin, don't."

Valkyrie hit her pillows together, feeling the weight in the one held in her right hand. But it didn't seem to affect it in any negative way.

"Kevin, Kevin," Fletcher said.

Valkyrie moved the heavy pillow.

"Kevin, watch the light, dude," Fletcher said.

Tanith pointed at the light, "watch the light," she said faintly.

Valkyrie look at the light, then threw the pillow towards it. She felt the pillow hit the light, and felt as it shattered. She watched the shards fly towards Tanith, who had her hands raised to shield her face. Fletcher stopped recording. "Cut!" he said.

"Woo!" Tanith cheered.

"Oooh,," Valkyrie said, cringing.

"You okay?" Fletcher asked Tanith.

"Yeah, sure. Why wouldn't I be?" Tanith asked.

"You have a shard of glass in your forehead," Valkyrie said.

"I do?" Tanith raised her hand and gently tapped around her forehead until she felt the drop of blood that was running down her face. "Oh yeah, I do." Tanith laughed slightly. "Don't worry, that's nothing. I just means I've got an extra scar. The only bad thing about it is that I'll have to think up a fun story for how I got it…"

"Recreating a vine isn't fun?" Valkyrie asked.

"Well of course it is, but if I tell some old battle hardened warrior in a bar about it, he's going to ask what a vine is, then I'll have to explain it, and by then it's midnight and I've missed my bus.

"So it's a conversation starter." Fletcher said. "Wait a minute, why would you take a bus? You have a motorbike."

"And why are you talking to this guy in the first place? Do you know him already, or is this the first time you've met?"

"You have plotholes in this hypothetical scenario," Fletcher said.

"Shut up, stop pointing out my flaws," Tanith said.

Valkyrie and Fletcher laughed. "Alright, can you guys help me clean up this broken glass?" Valkyrie asked.

"Actually, I better get my head cleaned up. Then I've got my thing I've been working on. Bye!" Tanith ran downstairs.

Valkyrie sighed. "Fletcher?"

"Umm, I… also have a thing… that I've been working on." Fletcher vanished.

"Pricks." Valkyrie said to herself as she trudged off down to the kitchen to retrieve a dustpan and brush.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next Valkyrie and Tanith do another vine challenge.
> 
> You know the drill, requests, languages etc.
> 
> I guess that's it for today,
> 
> Until next time


	45. The Challenge II Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by BethShadows. The second part of this chapter will be up next week.

"Three, two, one, go!" Valkyrie finished the countdown and let her head drop backwards to hang off the seat of the chair. This was a game she wasn't going to lose. The aim was simple - see who could hang upside down on a chair the longest. It was a simple game, a good way to pass the time, and a good way to bring out the competitive streaks both her and Tanith harboured.

"Valkyrieeee?" Tanith asked after a minute or so of hanging upside down.

"Tanitthhhh?" Valkyrie copied Tanith's tone.

"What vine are we doing next?"

"Hmm," Valkyrie hummed, "you know considering how much success we had the first time, I was thinking about doing another vine challenge, now would be as good a time as any to do it."

"Ooh yeah, it was fun last time," Tanith said grinning ever so slightly wickedly, "especially when Fletcher had to curl up on the dashboard when we probably could've just filmed it ourselves. Ooh and when I got my TV advert deal. I get free donuts for life now."

"That is definitely the best part. You can just get us donuts whenever we want instead of me buying them."

"I love donuts. Oh bt-dubs we are leaving more than 15 minutes to edit the videos this time."

"Good idea. Last time that 15 minutes was the most tense 15 minutes of my life, and I was just watching you do it."

"Yeah we're never doing that again," Tanith agreed.

"So what vines to do we do?" Valkyrie asked.

"Hmm…" Tanith hummed.

"Hmm…." Valkyrie hummed.

"Hmm…"

"Do what we normally do and watch compilations?" Valkyrie suggested.

"Sounds good to me."

Valkyrie slid to the ground off the front of the chair, landing on her head with an "oof."

"Yay! I win!" Tanith cheered.

* * *

"I hath composed the list," Tanith announced.

Valkyrie scanned down over the list. It had all the ones they decided on while watching an one hour long vine compilation.

"Good good."

"Should we get supplies today and plan out the order we're doing it?"

"That would work. I think we should do that one," Valkyrie pointed at the second one down, "first. It involves travelling. All the rest we can do here."

"We should do the lizard one at my house. We can do it later on in the day though as long as Fletcher can help us."

"You really have a lizard?" Valkyrie asked, "I honestly thought you were making that up when you said to add it to the list."

"Yeah, I've really got a lizard. I was dropping off old towels and blankets to the ISPCA the other day and they had this sweet lil lizard that had been left when his owner died. He's a Blue Tongue Skink called Buddy and I couldn't resist him so I went home and sat up all night researching Blue Tongue Skink care and then got all the lizard stuff and went back and became the proud adopted mamma to a lizard."

Valkyrie stared at Tanith and blinked.

"You have no impulse control," Valkyrie said.

"I have a controlled lack of impulse control. You may say I impulsively adopted a lizard, but I did my research and made my notes and got the proper stuff before I adopted him."

"As long as you researched," Valkyrie said.

"I always research. Except when I broke the staircase. I didn't research before doing what I was doing to break it."

"What were you doing?"

"Something."

"That is incredibly vague."

"I know," Tanith said happily, "so what ones do we need supplies for?"

"Umm," Valkyrie counted the ones she knew for definite they needed stuff for, "four. Oh wait, we need to go somewhere for that second last one too."

"Oh yeah. So we'll do that one, then the mini golf one, then the rest in whatever order we feel like."

"We need another three people for that one in the shop," Valkyrie said, "remember there's the three guys who leave when the guy shuffles backwards."

"Oh yeah."

"Fletcher's already said he'll help up out so that's one," Valkyrie said, "Umm, how about Ghastly?"

"He probably won't help. He doesn't like shops."

"Umm… China?" Valkyrie offered. "Skulduggery? Dead Men?"

"China won't.I don't think she's the type of person to go to Tesco. Saracen and Dexter are away on holiday in American and no one knows where Shudder is. Skulduggery seems to always be busy, but Ravel will probably be up for it, Larrikin too. Larrikin will definitely be up for it"

"Okay so Ravel, Larrikin and Fletcher."

* * *

** 09:55 **

"Fletcher, ready?" Valkyrie barked like an army general.

"Aye, aye, Sir," Fletcher saluted and stomped his left foot.

"Tanith, ready?"

"Aye, aye, Sir," Tanith copied Fletcher.

"Good," Valkyrie dropped her stiff pose and relaxed, "we've got five minutes then we're in that car and heading to pick up people then off Tesco for vine number one."

"Which vine is vine number one?" Fletcher asked.

"Put those corndogs back."

"Ooh that's a good one."

"It is. You are going to join Larrikin and Ravel in starring in it."

"I've never met Larrikin," Fletcher commented.

"You ever been to the haunted Sanctuary men's bathroom and seen a ghostly figure in the mirror?" Tanith asked.

"Yeah…?"

"Then you've met Larrikin. He hangs out at the sanctuary and pretends to be a ghost in his spare time."

"As you do."

Valkyrie's phone let out a shrill ring.

"Guys, it's 10am."

Valkyrie ran to the door, grabbed her car keys and bolted out the door, Tanith right behind her, Fletcher disappearing with a pop and reappearing ahead of them at the car.

* * *

** 10:05 **

Erskine Ravel opened the passenger side back door and slipped into the empty seat beside Fletcher. Larrikin took the seat on the other side of Fletcher.

"Next stop- Tesco!" Valkyrie started up the car and took off speeding down the road.

* * *

** 10:20 **

Valkyrie marched them through the aisles of Tesco armed with a trolley filled with one, single item. A box that been placed in the child's seat of the trolley.

She stopped them in the middle of a cross road of aisles, a fridge section ahead of them, normal aisles every other way.

"You three," Valkyrie pointed to Fletcher, Ravel and Larrikin, "go stand at the fridge bit. You turn around and stare as Tanith says 'you can't make me do anything' and then hurry off as she slides backwards in the aisle."

"Got it," Ravel said, "but just to sure, can you repeat the whole thing?"

"No time," Tanith said, "get in position."

Ravel and Larrikin joined Fletcher at the fridge, Fletcher organising them into a position as close to the vine as he could remember.

Tanith took the trolley from Valkyrie and walked backwards into the aisle behind her.

Valkyrie set up her phone, held it up and called out 'action.' She started filming as the front of Tanith's trolley poked out of the aisle. Tanith walked out in front of her straight across into the aisle ahead of her.

Valkyrie waited until three quarters of the trolley was in the next aisle before she spoke.

"Josh go put those corn dogs back," Valkyrie said.

Tanith stopped and looked at Valkyrie. Tanith picked the box of not-corndogs out of the trolley and help them to her chest.

"You can't make me do anything," Tanith said as she bent her knees forward until she could fall back on to the ground on her back. She pushed herself backwards into the aisle she just came from using her feet.

In the background Fletcher guided Larrikin and Ravel away.

Valkyrie stopped filming.

It went well. It went seamlessly. It went -

"Excuse me miss. Miss!"

Tanith ran out of the aisle.

"What did you do?" Valkyrie asked.

"Slid backwards into someone. They are not happy so I'm gonna run," Tanith answered happily.

"What?"

Tanith bolted past Valkyrie and grabbed the trolley, running forward with it down the aisle towards Larrikin.

* * *

** 10:23 **

"Where we going now?" Larrikin asked, "you mentioned something about having somewhere else to go?"

"We are going to Longmeadows Pitch And Putt so I can yeet myself into the water," Tanith answered as Valkyrie pulled out of the carpark and set out onto the road.

"That sounds fun," Larrikin said.

"You can do it if you want. I'm not overly keen on yeeting myself into the cold golf water," Tanith admitted.

"You leapt into a river the other week," Valkyrie said.

"Yeah. That's a river. Rivers are my favourite body of water, besides the sea," Tanith said.

"Same," Ravel said.

"See, unlike you two, I happen to be partial to a nice little man made lake," Larrikin said, "there's no currents, no evil things, just a nice lake. Lochs are stretching it a bit but they're okay."

"It's settled, Larrikin can yeet himself into the water and Tanith will stay nice and dry," Tanith said.

Larrikin cheered.

"So do you really pretend to be a ghost in the Sanctuary bathroom?" Fletcher asked.

* * *

** 10:32 **

Valkyrie parked the car outside Longmeadows Pitch and Putt.

"It may not be mini-golf but the Rainforest mini golf place didn't have any water so we're doing it here," Valkyrie said.

"Let's go bitches!" Tanith flung open her car door and leaped out of the car.

* * *

** 10:59 **

"Go now," Tanith whispered.

They were at the hole right by the water, no one was near enough to complain and Larrikin had been itching to play his part ever since they left the car.

Valkyrie took out her phone and directed Larrikin into position.

"Action," Valkyrie said.

Larrikin tapped the ball with the club and it shot off missing the hole. Larrikin ran forward, held his hands behind his back and gracefully leapt in the water. The leap was graceful. The landing was not.

Larrikin bellyflopped into the water, sending water splashing up around him.

Valkyrie stopped filming.

"One hour in, two vines down."

"Whoo," Tanith clicked her fingers.

"There is something I want to do while we're here and while we have two Elementals who can dry people off," Valkyrie began.

"And that is?" Ravel asked.

"Silly salmon."

"Pass your phone," Tanith held out her hand. Valkyrie passed her phone over to Tanith.

"Valkyrie," Tanith said, "do the silly salmon."

Valkyrie ran forward and launched herself into the water, wiggling her body in the air and making vaguely turkey like gobbling noises.

* * *

** 11:20 **

"Any volunteers to be tied to a chair?" Valkyrie asked.

"I'm up for it. On one condition; no leather," Larrikin said.

Ravel whacked the back of Larrikin's head.

"If we tie him up he can't annoy us," Erskine said.

"How good are you at remembering lines?" Tanith asked Larrikin.

"Bad. He's really bad. He almost blew our cover so many times when he had to speak," Ravel said.

"Yeah, that's true," Larrikin nodded in agreement.

"Fletcher?" Tanith asked.

"What vine is it?" Fletcher asked.

"Is this a febreeze commercial?" Tanith replied.

"Okay. I'll be the guy who gets tied up. Give me two minutes to completely learn my lines."

"Erskine, Larrikin, Tanith, with me, we have weapons to get!" Valkyrie grinned.

* * *

** 11:22 **

"I bags the bazuka!" Larrikin cried out. Fletcher heard his voice echoing out from wherever Valkyrie and Tanith had taken the two Dead Men.

"Where did you get a bazuka from?" Ravel asked, his voice getting marginally louder as footsteps began getting closer to the sitting room.

"Anton," Valkyrie said.

"Anton gave you bazooka?" Larrikin asked, "he never gives me cool things."

"I asked him to get it for me because Skulduggery wouldn't. It's just a bazooka."

"You can create chaos with a pencil, I think Skulduggery was being sensible for once," Ravel said, "that or he wanted to see how long it would take you to get one without him."

"It took two minutes to get Anton to get it for me. It took another week before I actually got it cause of the hotel's schedule but yeah, two minutes was all it took."

"Damn."

* * *

** 11:24 **

Tanith tied the last knot in the rope they'd wrapped around Fletcher. The rope was tied loosely around him, keeping him somewhat attached to the chair.

"He's secure," Tanith said and gave an experimental tug on the rope. It pulled away from Fletcher and Tanith let it fall loose.

Valkyrie wrapped a blindfold around Fletcher's eyes.

"He's blinded," Valkyrie said, "you good Fletcher?"

"I'm good. It's kinda comforting having the blindfold on. Is this how birds feel when you put a cover over their cage to tell them it's night time?"

"I'd imagine so," Larrikin said, "I kept an African Grey parrot once, named him Alex. Taught him to swear, he once told Thurid Guild to fuck off. Guild wasn't happy and forbade me from taking Alex to the Sanctuary ever again so as revenge I started haunting the Sanctuary bathrooms. I scared Guild so much that he fainted and split his head open."

"That's how it all began," Tanith whispered.

"Okay," Fletcher said, "can we get this filmed so I can get free?"

"Larrikin you stand there," Valkyrie pointed to the left of Fletcher, "stand and hold the bazooka threateningly. Ravel you stand there and hold the gun to Fletcher's head -"

"Is that the gun you used for 'I saw you hanging out with Caitlin' and accidently shot into the wall?" Fletcher interrupted.

"Uh-huh," Valkyrie nodded, "it's not loaded. I used the last bullet to do 'this is why mum doesn't fucking love you'."

"It's like you're speaking a different language," Erskine said.

"Okay everyone in position!" Tanith instructed.

Larrikin and Ravel took their places and Tanith joined them, holding a carved handled knife inches from Fletcher's throat.

Valkyrie kneeled down and got Fletcher's face in the centre of the shot, the knife, the gun and the bazooka framing Fletcher in a picture of elegant murder.

"Action!" Valkyrie called.

Fletcher turned his head to the side, seeing nothing through the blindfold.

"Hello?" Fletcher asked. He turned his head again and a let a smile grow.

"Hold on," Fletcher began, "is this a Febreze commercial?"

"Cut," Valkyrie stopped filming.

* * *

** 11:35 **

"Let's get cracking, next - a potato flew around my room."

"Seeing as Valkyrie doesn't have a ceiling fan I shall be the ceiling fan!"

"I can't wait to see this," Fletcher said, "kinda wish Larrikin could've stayed for this instead of having to go. He'd have enjoyed it."

"You just like him because he liked your hair," Valkyrie said.

"That may be true, but he's like this ball of chaotic energy who invited me to haunt the Sanctuary with him."

"You guys gonna stand and talk all day or we gonna do this shit?" Tanith asked.

Valkyrie looked up, Tanith was crouched upside down on the ceiling holding a potato on a string.

Valkyrie held up her phone.

"Action," Valkyrie said.

Tanith began slowly swinging the potato round on the string. It circled around nicely building up moment.

"A potato flew around my room be-" Valkyrie began to sing.

Then the string snapped.

The potato flew across the room, hitting squarely into the window and shattering it outwards.

"Oh no my potato," Tanith said.

Valkyrie stopped filming.

"Umm," Valkyrie hummed.

"Take two!" Tanith announced cheerily and flipped down off the ceiling. She trotted off into the kitchen and came back with a new potato attached to a new string. Tanith walked up the wall, across the ceiling and crouched down letting the potato hang down.

"What about my window?"

"Board it up and we'll fix it tomorrow," Tanith said and began spinning the potato around.

Valkyrie shrugged and began filming.

"A potato flew around my room before you came excuse," Valkyrie's voice faded out and she stopped filming.

"Four down," Fletcher said.

"Some to go," Valkyrie finished.

* * *

** 12:10 **

"The window is boarded and we are ready to get going," Valkyrie said, setting the drill down on the kitchen counter. Xena looked up at her and licked her lips.

"Soon. I'll take you out later," Valkyrie patted Xena's head.

Xena let out a soft bork noise.

"Later."

"What one's next?" Fletcher asked walking into the kitchen.

"Probably the smartie one."

"I can't remember that one."

"You just need to film it. Tanith put my co-star through make up earlier before she had to nip home."

"Co-star?"

"The smartie."

"Okay. Those two things make sense."

* * *

** 12:12 **

Valkyrie set the single orange smartie with the smiley face onto the coffee table in the living room. It was a nice coffee table. Solid and wooden. All the makings of a good table. It wasn't really cool though, just a normal table with mug rings stained into the wood. She'd seen a really cool table online. It was a fish tank coffee table. It looked pretty cool. Expensive though. Plus Valkyrie knew nothing about keeping fish.

"We're doing it in two takes, take one you focus in on little smiley smartie dude. I'll pat your head when you need to cut," Valkyrie explained and handed her phone over to Fletcher.

"Why do you need to pat my head?" Fletcher asked, accepting Valkyrie's phone.

"I mean I could poke you instead."

"You can tap my shoulder."

"Deal."

"Tell me when you're ready," Valkyrie said as she got into position, crouching down beside the table.

Fletcher zoomed in on the smartie.

"Action," he said.

"There, there daddy's here," Valkyrie said softly, "daddy's got you."

Valkyrie tapped Fletcher's shoulder and he stopped filming.

"What now?" Fletcher asked.

"Just say action when you're ready," was all Valkyrie offered in explanation as she leaned in over the Smartie, "make sure you get my face in it."

"Action."

"Sike!" Valkyrie said and sucked up the smartie into her mouth. She patted Fletcher's shoulder.

He lowered the phone and Valkyrie crunched down on the Smartie.

"You know," Valkyrie swallowed the Smartie, "aside from the window thing, today is going surprisingly smoothly."

"Something else going to go wrong," Fletcher said.

"Yup."

The silence settled for a second as they both comprehended everything that could possibly go wrong.

"Seeing as Tanith gave us permission to do some of the vines without her, wanna do another vine?"

"Why not?"

"Would you like to star in it?"

"What do I have to do?"

"Wrap yourself in a quilt and scream."

"I'm in."

* * *

** 12:14 **

"You ready?" Valkyrie asked grinning.

"I am ready," Fletcher shuffled into the living room wrapped up in a quilt.

"You got your lines?"

"You know I got my lines."

"In that case, 3,2,1 and action!" Valkyrie began filming.

"What are you doing?" Fletcher asked. He took a breath and screamed and wriggled around. He paused and screamed again, this time moving his body more violently and windmilling his head around.

* * *

** 12:20 **

A long bang echoed from upstairs followed by a series of little bangs and crashes as something small fell down the stairs.

"What the hell was that?" Fletcher asked.

Valkyrie stared in the direction of the stairs.

A female voice was faintly heard from somewhere.

"Spider Tanith, Spider Tanith, does whatever a Spider Tanith does. Can she swing from a web? No she can't she's a Tanith."

"It's just Tanith," Valkyrie said, "Tanith!"

"Yaa!"

"Get your butt down here and stop wrecking my house."

"I'm not wrecking the house!"

"You knocked something down the stairs!"

"That wasn't me."

"Then who was it?"

"A ghost," Tanith said nonchalantly.

* * *

** 12:23 **

Tanith stood in front of the bathroom mirror, a pair of red swimming goggles over her eyes that clashed violently with her spiderman costume. She set the phone on to selfie mode and began filming.

"It is Wednesday my dudes," Tanith said, filming a close up of her face. She shifted back, leaning up in doorway and filmed her reflection in the mirror.

"Aaaaahhhh!"

* * *

** 12:25 **

"Anyone else suspicious how well these vines are going?" Valkyrie asked.

"Yup," Tanith said.

"Same here," Fletcher agreed.

"Something's going to go wrong. So very, very wrong."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next; The Challenge II Part I featuring a some watermelon, a pink Barbie car and Tanith's lizard.
> 
> Be like Tanith and support your local animal rescue centre. Some places will take donations of blankets and towels (they don't have to be new) I know my local SPCA centre is always looking for things like that.
> 
> So we finally did "It is Wednesday my dudes." Funny story time. So on Wednesdays I have double music last period. We usually don't have a teacher for most of the double period which suits everyone. Now there are these two boys, both in my year, and every Wednesday during this double period in music one of them lets out a scream. Not just any scream, a particular type of scream. The scream from "It is Wednesday my dudes."
> 
> Who likes the new cover art? Figured it was time we had a proper cover image rather than just my profile picture.
> 
> Another funny story, someone explained to me how to do something by using memes. I work as a kitchen porter and the kitchen assistant asked me to green the soup, which is basically sprinkling dried, chopped parsley over the soup before it gets served. He explained to me like this "you know the salt bae meme?"
> 
> Memes are knowledge. Who needs school when you have memes?
> 
> Speaking of school, I only have two days left and then I've technically left high school. I cannot wait to be done with that place. By the time part two of The Challenge II I will have done 2/3 exams and be mostly done with school. I'm going back in for my music lessons and to help in a music class that I help in every week, but I'll have no more classes or anything.
> 
> Until next time!


	46. The Challenge II Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by me

 

**12:27**

 

Valkyrie cut into the watermelon. She removed the knife, twisted the angle and pressed the knife edge into the melon. 

 

The knife slipped and cut into Valkyrie’s hand. 

 

“Fuck!” Valkyrie cursed and dropped the knife, her non-bleeding hand going to the cut. She grabbed a tea towel and wrapped it around her wound. Blood soaked into the towel. 

 

“Guys!” Valkyrie called out, “the thing that we was said going to go wrong went wrong!”

 

“What did you do?!” Tanith shouted back.

 

“Cut my hand open!” 

 

“Well done!” Fletcher called. 

 

“Yeah,” Valkyrie said to herself, “well done to me.”

 

* * *

 

**12:30**

 

Tanith finished cutting the watermelon and pulled the two halves apart. Taking the plus sized ice cream scoop Valkyrie had bought from the Euro Store, Tanith scooped out the watermelon’s flesh. 

 

She cut up the scoops into vaguely cube shaped cubes and dumped them into the empty half shell of watermelon.

 

Tanith picked it up and carried it outside to the picnic bench that Fletcher had set up with various crisps and picnic foods while Valkyrie was off getting her hand looked at. 

 

They’d tried to go with her but Valkyrie insisted Skulduggery would take her.

 

“Finish the vines,” Valkyrie had gasped out as she pressed her phone into Tanith’s hands, before collapsing dramatically into Skulduggery, who had begrudgingly carried her away to the Bentley. 

 

“You want to do it?” Tanith asked Fletcher, holding out Valkyrie’s phone.

 

“Aye, I’ll do it,” Fletcher took the phone, already set up on selfie mode. 

 

“It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life!” Fletcher said, rocking his head back and forth. He flipped the camera and focused it on the watermelon Tanith had cut up. 

 

“It’s watermelown. Inside a watermelown!” 

 

Fletcher stopped filming.

 

“What we doing with the food?” Fletcher asked.

 

“I say we eat it. I’m kinda hungry.”

 

“Same. We never got lunch so…”

 

Tanith grabbed a pile of crips and crunched them into her mouth.

* * *

  
  


**13:00**

 

Fletcher set the pink, plastic Barbie car a few steps away from the grass. The two Barbie dolls inside were bedraggled, their hair matted. The dolls and the car were both Alice’s, part of the small selection of toys Alice had built up at Grimwood.  

 

Tanith came out to the front door holding a laptop. 

 

“I heard from Valkyrie, she’ll be another hour or so but she said to keep going until she gets back.”

 

“Alright, who’s doing what role?"

 

“I’ll film and sort out the laptop and whatnot, you wear the wig,” Tanith said.

 

“I’ve always wanted to see what I look like with long hair,” Fletcher said, “I’m in.”

* * *

  
  
  


**13:05**

 

Tanith shifted the cushion under her belly and set the phone up on it’s popsocket for the close up of the barbie car. Fletcher was off inside getting ready, and this part was all her.

 

Tanith reached around the phone and held onto the pink Barbie car.

 

She pressed the record button on the phone, then the play button on the video clip from the original movie on the laptop beside her. Tanith pushed the car into frame as the clip played a car honk and then “get in loser we’re going shopping.”

 

Tanith stopped filming. 

 

“Ready for me?”

 

Tanith thought she hid her jump of fright very well until Fletcher apologised. She’d have to work on that. She was a literal assassin and she jumped cause a teleporter in a wig teleported in behind her. 

 

“Yes,” Tanith stood up.

 

Fletcher’s spikey blonde hair was covered by a tousled blonde wig, much like Tanith’s own hair before the fire incident. It suited him. He looked like an 80’s rock singer, maybe Bon Jovi or someone like that.

 

“You suit the long hair,” Tanith said sincerely.

 

“Really? I thought so too but then I thought it was just me thinking that.”

 

“Nah, you suit it.”

 

Fletcher nodded contentedly and brushed the synthetic hair back off his shoulder. 

 

“Head back into the door and wait until I scream before you burst out of the door.”

 

“Wait what?”

 

“I need to stand here to get the shot and you won’t be able to see me so the logical solution is to scream.”

 

“Okay,” Fletcher shrugged and disappeared.

 

Tanith picked up Valkyrie’s phone from the ground and shifted to get the front door in the screen. She let out a blood curdling scream and pressed the record button. 

 

Fletcher flung open the door and yelled out into the empty house. 

 

“Brb mom, Regina’s here!” Fletcher ran out the door.

 

“Move over bitches,” Fletcher threw himself into the car, Tanith following with the camera.

Tanith stopped filming.

 

Fletcher lay on the ground moaning.

 

“You good?”

 

“I hit into a car!”

 

“A toy car.”

 

“A car nonetheless!”

* * *

 

**14:13**

 

“I’m back bitches!” Valkyrie threw open the front door hollered down the corridor. 

 

“Valkyrie is in the house!” Valkyrie strolled down the hall, leaving the front door open. Skulduggery came along behind her and shut the door.

 

Valkyrie stumbled into the sitting room and fell forward, face planting into the carpet.

 

“Hey Val.”

 

Valkyrie looked up. Tanith was hanging upside down from the ceiling wearing her Spiderman costume. 

 

“Spider Tanith,” Valkyrie mumbled before dropping her face back into the carpet.

 

“She’s pretty out of it,” Skulduggery commented as he stepped over Valkyrie into the sitting room. He sat down on the couch.

 

“I can see that,” Tanith remarked.

 

“I’m not out, I’m in,” Valkyrie mumbled. 

 

“Anything that’ll bring her out of it?” Tanith asked.

 

“Knocking her unconscious,” Skulduggery said without a moment’s hesitation.

 

“Valkyrie?” Tanith asked.

 

“Mmmmmmwaaaaaahhmmm?”

 

“Can we knock you unconscious?”

 

“Mmyyaaaaaannn!”

 

“That’s a no,” Tanith translated.

 

“Shame,” Skulduggery said.

 

Fletcher walked into the sitting room, holding a bowl of crisps.

 

“Oh hey, Valkyrie’s back.”

 

“Mehh,” Valkyrie moaned.

* * *

 

**15:50**

 

“Okay I’m good,” Valkyrie stood up slowly, “where’d Skully go?”

 

“China kept phoning him so he had to leave,” Tanith said.

 

“He’s whipped,” Fletcher added.

 

“Oh definitely,” Valkyrie agreed.

 

“Have either on them said anything yet?” Fletcher asked.

 

“Nope.”

* * *

  
  


**15:58**

 

“So basically what I was thinking was-” Valkyrie was cut off and Tanith punched her square in the face.

 

“Ah fuck,” Valkyrie held her hand to her face, “I can’t believe you’ve done this.”

 

Fletcher stopped filming.

 

“That actually freaking hurt,” Valkyrie said.

 

“I do apologise,” Tanith bowed her head.

 

“Should’ve gotten Fletcher to punch me.”

 

“That would’ve been better,” Fletcher agreed.

 

“Yup,” Valkyrie slumped forward and rested her head on the table.

 

“Why did they drug you again?” Fletcher asked, “you just cut your hand.”

 

“Because she reacted weirdly to the new anaesthetic they used to numb her cut,” Tanith said, “remember that episode of Brooklyn Nine Nine were Terry’s under anaesthetic and tried to threw some machine at the doctor?”

 

“Yeah…?”

 

“She kept trying to throw pillows at everyone and ended up - “

 

“Breaking a window,” Valkyrie finished.

 

“With a pillow?” Fletcher asked.

 

“I may have hidden a rock in the pillow.”

 

“How the …?”

 

“I am Valkyrie Cain. I need no explanation.”

 

“I am Fletcher Renn. I require an explanation.”

 

“I am Tanith Low. I am the explanation.”

 

* * *

  
  


**16:04**

 

“You sure you’re good to do this?” Tanith asked Valkyrie, handing her a bunch of bananas.

 

“I’m all good. Let’s get this shit done!”

 

Valkyrie held up her phone and pressed record.

 

“Welcome to my kitchayn,” Valkyrie said, adopting a weird voice, “we have bananies.” Valkyrie held up the bananas, “and avacacidas.”

 

Valkyrie stopped filming.

 

“I know we said this before but everything is going to smoothly, aside from me cutting my hand open.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


**16:06**

 

“We should do the lizard one now, then get some dinner,” Tanith said.

 

“Wait, lizard?” Fletcher asked excitedly.

 

“I have a lizard,” Tanith grinned.

 

“We’re doing the lizard one. I love lizards! What kind?”

 

“He’s a Blue Tongue Skink.”

 

“Aww. I had a gecko when I was younger. Named it ‘G Boy.’  We had fun together.”

 

“I like that name. Mine’s called Buddy.”

 

“Like the elf!”

 

“Oh yeah, Buddy’s the elf in ‘Elf’.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Should we get going?” Valkyrie interrupted.

 

“Fletcher, teleport!”

 

Tanith set her foot on Fletcher’s foot and Valkyrie put her hand on his shoulder. They teleported to the outside of Tanith’s house.

 

* * *

 

**16:09**

 

“This is Buddy,” Tanith reached into the large tank and gently stroked the lizard’s head, “hi Buddy.”

 

Tanith lifted him out of the enclosure and held him in her hand. 

 

“He’s bigger than I thought he would be,” Valkyrie said.

 

“That’s what she said.”

 

Valkyrie and Tanith stared at Fletcher before laughing.

 

“Why is it sometimes we’re so mature and then others we’re just acting like twelve year olds?” Valkyrie asked.

 

“We’re sorcerers. We have centuries to live, we stay as young as we can for as long as we can. Which means we act like immature teenages sometimes,” Tanith said.

* * *

 

**16:12**

 

Tanith set Buddy on her head and stuck her thumb up to Valkyrie.

 

Valkyrie zoomed in on Tanith’s face, Tanith adopting a confused look on her face. 

 

“Where’s the lizard?” Fletcher asked.

 

Tanith lowered her head and then looked up, deep in thought.

 

Valkyrie stopped the recording.

 

“Things are going well again!” Valkyrie said cheerfully, holding up her bandaged hand.

 

“Something else is going to go wrong,” Tanith said.

 

“Oh almost definitely,” Valkyrie agreed.

  
  


**16:15**

 

“Oh we need T-Rex!” Tanith exclaimed. 

 

* * *

 

**16:16**

 

“Not gonna lie, I like these things,” Tanith pulled out the loose fabric of her patterned harem pants.

 

“They are pretty cool,” Fletcher agreed.

 

“Right,” Tanith put her hands on her hips, “what do I do first?”

 

“Stand in front of the wardrobe and do the cross arm thing,” Valkyrie said.

 

“Okay. Which wardrobe?”

 

“Eh, we’ll go for the one in your unofficial room.”

 

“Okay, Fletcher teleport us upstairs please!”

 

Fletcher put a hand on Valkyrie’s shoulder and a hand on Tanith’s shoulder and teleported them upstairs. 

 

Valkyrie led the way down the corridor and opened the door of Tanith’s unofficial room. 

 

Tanith took her position in front of the wardrobe. 

 

“Action!”

 

Tanith crossed her arms over and moved her hips side to side.

 

“Scene!”

 

“What happened to cut?” Fletcher asked.

 

“I have no idea,” Valkyrie said, “next location - sitting room! Fletcher - teleport!”

 

Fletcher sighed and teleported them down to the sitting room where an excited T-Rex met them. 

 

Tanith scooped up T-Rex and hugged him. 

 

“You are a squishy dog,” Tanith poked T-Rex’s face. 

 

“He is very squishy,” Fletcher commented. 

 

“So there’s two scenes in here with T-Rex,”Valkyrie said, “should we just do them now?”

 

“Yeah. I still have to edit them together so it doesn’t matter.”

 

“Alright, then get in position!”

 

Tanith held T-Rex up, her hands holding him under his elbow, the rest of his body hanging down.

 

“Action!” Valkyrie said and began filming.

 

Tanith leaned back slightly and moved T-Rex up and down.

 

“Cut!” Valkyrie stopped filming and Tanith carried T-Rex normally again and hugged him.

 

“It’s okay baby boy, you’re doing good, but I need to carry out like that again,” Tanith kissed the top of T-Rex’s head and then carried him under his elbows again. 

 

“Action!”

 

Tanith spun around holding T-Rex and she twirled into the middle of the room. 

 

“Cut!”

 

“Isn’t there another scene with the cat?” Tanith asked.

 

“Yeah, want to do it now?” Valkyrie asked.

 

“Might as well.”

 

“In that case get on the couch!”

Tanith climbed up onto the couch, still holding T-Rex.

 

“Action!”

 

Tanith circled T-Rex around until Valkyrie called out “cut!”

 

Tanith set T-Rex down on the couch and stroked his head.

 

“You are good boy,” Tanith said.

 

T-Rex jumped down off the couch and trotted off. 

 

“He’s off to see Xena,” Valkyrie said.

 

“Aww,” Fletcher said.

 

“Okay next - the kitchen. We’ll walk this time,” Valkyrie said and lead them into the kitchen and directed Tanith to stand in front of the washing machine.

 

“Action!”

 

Tanith stood in front of the washing machine, held her arms out, hands out flat and moved her arms as she thrust her hips to imaginary music.

 

“Cut!” Valkyrie called out, “it’s kinda tiring saying just saying ‘action’ and ‘cut’ on repeat. I’m gonna change it up.” 

 

“You do that,” Fletcher said.

 

"Do you want me to do the frying pan scene or the washing machine scene?" Tanith asked.

 

"Frying pan," Valkyrie said, "we'll leave the washing machine to the end because I just have visions of it going wrong."

 

Tanith nodded. She kept nodding as she walked across the kitchen and took out a frying pan and took her place beside the oven.

 

Tanith gave one final nod and stood still.

 

"Begin!" Valkyrie called out and began filming.

 

Tanith rocked back and forth, moving the frying in mid air.

 

“Scene!”

 

“Just got the shower bit to do and the washing machine bit,” Valkyrie said.

 

“Then we get dinner?” Fletcher asked hopefully. 

 

“Then we get dinner.”

 

Fletcher punched the air and teleported them up to the bathroom. 

 

Tanith climbed into the shower and stood, hands on the shower wall, body facing the wall but looking at Valkyrie and Fletcher.

 

“Commence!”

 

Tanith circled her hips around, trying not to laugh.

 

“End!”

 

Tanith burst out laughing, “this is totally not weird.”

 

“Totally not,” Fletcher agreed nodding sincerely, but his voice betraying the sarcasm. 

 

“One scene left,” Valkyrie said.

 

“Yay!” Tanith climbed out of the shower and let Fletcher teleport them down to the kitchen. 

 

Xena thumped her tail in greeting but T-Rex didn’t wake up from his nap, just kept on sleeping taking up the entirety of the middle of Xena’s bed.  

 

Tanith climbed onto the washing machine and they got the final part filmed, Valkyrie deciding on using "Starten" and "Ended" in place of "Action" and "cut."

 

"Dinner time!" Fletcher cheered.

 

"Yay!" Tanith stepped forward and readied herself to jump down off the washing. Her left foot was on the slope of the plastic where the top meets the button panel. Her right foot was on the top of the washing machine.

 

Her left foot slipped.

 

Tanith fell forward, smacking head first into the floor.

 

"Tanith!" Valkyrie threw herself down beside Tanith and poked her shoulder. "Tanith!"

 

Fletcher poked her other shoulder.

 

"Tanith? Is you dead?"

 

"She's knocked out," Valkyrie said.

 

Fletcher looked at Tanith's face. He could only see a flash of skin amongst blonde hair and red seeping liquid.

 

"She split her head open," Fletcher pointed at the blood.

 

"Fuck."

 

"Guess we have to wait for dinner?"

* * *

 

**17:18**

 

“I am dinnered, I am ready, let’s do a vine,” Fletcher set down his fork and patted his belly.

 

“Good, good,” Valkyrie said, “you can do this one because you’re the only one out of me and you who hasn’t been hurt and if you fall doing this you can just teleport to safety.”

 

“Where might I be falling from?”

 

“The stairs.”

 

“... I’m in.”

* * *

 

**17:20**

 

Fletcher hopped up onto the staircase and held onto the bannister and either side of his legs.

 

“And slide!” Valkyrie began filming.

 

Fletcher slowly slid down the bannister, holding his arms out.

 

“You are all going to hell, goodbye,” Fletcher waved. 

 

Valkyrie stopped the recording.

 

“Our luck seems to have corrected again,” Valkyrie said.

 

Fletcher opened his mouth to reply, but all that came out was a scream as he tipped backwards off the bannister. He disappeared with a pop and appeared a second later in a heap on the floor beside Valkyrie.

 

“I’m good,” Fletcher stood up, “I’m good.”

  
  


Valkyrie nodded.

 

“I was going to get Tanith to do this one because she can sing but we may have to do it.”

 

“Any word on her?” Fletcher asked.

 

“Ghastly said they stitched up the cut, gave her some of that anaesthetic stuff they gave me and are waiting to get a brain scan to see if her head’s good.”

 

“She’s Tanith. She’s survived worse.”

 

* * *

  
  


**17:25**

 

Valkyrie took a deep breath and pressed record. Then began to sing. 

 

“WhooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaHhh,” Valkyrie vocalised.

 

“Shut up!” Fletcher yelled from outside the bathroom.

 

“Yes,” Valkyrie said.

* * *

  
  


**17:27**

 

“What’s next?” Fletcher asked.

 

“We’ve actually finished the list that we made.”

 

“Huh. Wanna do some more?”

 

“I’m not taking any more chances with the universe. We’ll wait for Tanith to come back so she can edit the videos that need to be edited.”

 

“Cool. I agree with not challenging the universe. The universe is scary.”

 

“Yeah.”

* * *

  
  


**20:57**

 

“If I have to take another one of you to the Sanctuary to get stitched up or wait four and a half hours to get a brain scan, I am more than willing,” Skulduggery announced as Tanith sat down heavily on the armchair.

 

“Not the direction I expected that to go in,” Valkyrie commented.

 

“You got me out of a boring meeting.”

 

“All meetings are boring,” Tanith said.

 

“They really are,” Valkyrie agreed, “how’s the head?”

 

“Little fuzzy but it’s allz good.”

 

“That you just said ‘allz’ leades me to believe it’s not all good.”

 

“Nah, it is.”

 

“You up to editing the vines?”

 

“What’s vines?” 

 

Valkyrie stared at Tanith. Tanith stared back innocently. Valkyrie blinked. Tanith burst out laughing.

 

“I’m kidding.”

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


**21:15**

 

Valkyrie helped Tanith through to the computer. Tanith sat on the seat and turned the computer on.

 

“Forty five minutes  to go, four videos to edit, can you do it?” Valkyrie asked.

 

“Hell yeah.”

 

“How’s the head?”

 

“Can’t even feel it.”

 

“That’s good,” Valkyrie said, “wait is it?”

 

“I’m not sure.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


**22:00**

 

“Valkyrie,” Tanith said, her voice twinged with worry.

 

“What?” Valkyrie looked up.

 

“I finished the vines,” Tanith said relaxing her voice.

 

“Fuck you,” Valkyrie threw her cushion at Tanith, “I thought something had gone wrong and you never got them done.”

 

“Of course I got them done. I’m Tanith Low.”

 

“And you are the explanation.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next, not sure yet. KenrickMNP had an issue with his laptop and so hasn't been able to start on next week's chapter. So it'll either be one that I get typed up in the next week or it'll be a vine that was written a while back but never posted.
> 
> If anyone has any requests they would be greatly appreciated.
> 
> Sorry this chapter is a bit rushed, it's exam time right now so exams are taking priority over writing at the moment.
> 
> Another note; be like Tanith and do your research before you get any pet :)
> 
> Until next time!


	47. Honk Honk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by KenrickMNP. Warning - drug mention. It's the scene with the people who can't seem to hear what Tanith is saying and is mentioned again near the end.

"It arrived!" Tanith said as she barged into Valkyrie's house, saying it much louder than was necessary just in case Valkyrie wasn't within normal speaking distance. "Valkyrie, you in here?" she went into the living room, then seeing that Valkyrie wasn't on the couch where she seemed to spend most of her free time, she turned to check upstairs.

"Hello, Tanith," Valkyrie said, ominously standing at the top of the stairs just as Tanith put her foot on the first step.

Tanith gasped, "that was creepy. You look like Michael Myers. Only you're taller, and you're a girl. And your hair and face is completely different. On second thought, you don't look much like Michael Myers, but you still look scary."

"What arrived?" Valkyrie asked as she descended. They moved into the living room.

"This." Tanith held up a small cardboard box about the length of her forearm and the width of her splayed hand.

"Wow, a box! It's a pity neither of us have a cat to sit in it… Wait, you didn't buy a cat, did you?"

"Not yet but honestly, give it time. It's not just a box. I didn't open it yet because I thought you might want to be there when I did. Now hopefully it is what I think it is, because this won't be as funny as I'm expecting. Shut your eyes."

Valkyrie complied, and listened to the squeaking of fingers against sellotape, and some dull tearing. She opened her left eye and saw Tanith struggling with the box, showing more ferocity than Valkyrie had seen during some fights. She shut her eye again when Tanith got a flap of cardboard open.

"Hah-hah!" Tanith said. Valkyrie heard packing paper fall to the floor.

"Can I open my eyes?" Valkyrie whispered.

"Not yet," Tanith whispered back. There was a couple of moments of engaging silence, then a deafening honk right in Valkyrie's ear.

Valkyrie's eyes shot open and she stumbled back. "Holy fuck," she said over Tanith's hysterical laughing. Tanith held up an airhorn, shaking it to show the culprit.

"Those are way louder than I thought they would be."

Tanith continued laughing.

"You are so mean," Valkyrie said.

Tanith held the airhorn up and honked it again. Xena came running into the room from wherever she had been lurking and looked at Tanith with a mix of curiosity and excitement.

"I'm sorry Xena, I won't bother you with it anymore. Isn't this awesome though?" She said, turning to Valkyrie.

"It certainly is. Even if my ears are now ringing. You know what we can use it for?"

"A vine?" Tanith asked.

"Exactly."

"Why do you think I ordered it?"

"It's very likely that you ordered it just to scare innocent people like me," Valkyrie said.

"Okay I'll be honest, I kind of did order it for that. But also for the vine."

"The one with the guy on the road honking back at the car, right? I mean I've seen a few with airhorns, but that's the best one I can think of."

"Same, it's the one I had in mind when ordering it," Tanith said. "Want to do it today?"

"Hell yeah."

"Want to do it right now?"

"Hell yeah."

"Then let's get our shit together and get going."

"Hell yeah. Wait, actually I've just made some tea. Can we wait ten minutes?"

* * *

Valkyrie and Tanith stood next to the car on one of a few roads which led straight to Haggard. It wasn't the main road, because they didn't want too many cars, but it wasn't a deserted road, because they did want  _a_  car.

Valkyrie opened the boot and lifted out a foldable green camping chair. She held it out for Tanith, who unfolded it.

"Why did you bring your sword?" Valkyrie asked.

"We might be dealing with some crazy angry drivers. Have you ever met one of them? They're fucking scary. Who cares about vampires or Hollow men? Road-rage is the real danger."

"Yeah but we might also be dealing with getting arrested. I doubt what we're about to do is legal in any way. If a cop catches us with a literal sword, we could get in some serious trouble. Like when you chased that creepy dude"

"Hmm. Good point. Keep it in the boot," Tanith said.

Valkyrie shut the boot on Tanith's sword, then joined Tanith on the road, where she had set up the chair.

"Here's a book," Valkyrie said, handing Tanith a coffee table book she had gotten ages ago which was about gardening, which Valkyrie didn't have any interest in. She picked that book for the vine because she didn't care about it, so if it got run over, she wouldn't bat an eye.

"Thank you," Tanith said, "to be completely honest I forgot he was reading a book in the vine. I was mostly focused on the airhorn." Tanith raised the airhorn and gave it a honk. "I love it. It's so head-splittingly noisy."

"Speaking of head splitting, are you sure you should be the one on the road? I know you've said it's fine, but considering your recent, uh...injury, it might be better if I was the one risking getting hit by a car."

"It's fine. Honestly. I don't think it'll make any difference to my day-to-day life going forward. I mean the mispronunciations of words stopped as soon as the anesthetic wore off, and after the first couple of days I couldn't even tell I hurt it. Except when I press here," Tanith poked her head roughly in the area where she'd hurt it, "nope, not there, here... No, wait more around… Ow!"

"Ooh, there's a car," Valkyrie said, pointing roughly northwards up the road. "You know what to do and everything?"

"Yeah yeah. Hide, and get ready to start filming."

Valkyrie ran off, hopped over a wall and crouched behind it. She opened the camera and trained it on Tanith, just to make sure it looked right. It did. The car got bigger and bigger, then they could hear it. Valkyrie began filming a few seconds early, then the car was slowing to a stop right next to Tanith. Valkyrie could see her holding in laughter, anticipating the cars honk. Unfortunately, it didn't honk. It sat there for a couple of seconds. Valkyrie tried to see the driver, but because of where the sun was positioned, she couldn't. At least, not until the driver leaned out.

"What the bloody hell do you think you're playing at?" The driver asked Tanith, awkwardly raising himself off the seat, but not stepping right out of the car. "What if I hadn't slowed down? You trying to get killed? Is that it?" he didn't wait for an answer before continuing. "Well come on then, move!"

Tanith looked vaguely at Valkyrie, who shrugged.

"Umm," Tanith said, then raised the air horn at the man, who was continuing to talk, and honked it at him.

"What?" The man said in response to the honk. "What was that s'posed to be?"

Tanith honked twice more, then she gripped the bottom of her chair clumsily, still trying to hold the book in one hand and the airhorn in the other, and scooted backwards. The vine had failed, so she might as well let him pass. The driver got back in his car properly, and drove past Tanith, who saw his head shaking, which was accompanied by violent tuttings. She waved goodbye.

Valkyrie stopped filming. "Well that was… strange," she said, standing up

"Totally. At least he didn't drive into me." Tanith moved forward again, so that she was directly in the path of any oncoming cars.

"Well then we'll count that as a victory." Valkyrie looked back up the road, then the other way, towards where Haggard sat before the sea. The only car in sight was the dwindling shape of the one that had just passed.

"God this is dull," Tanith said. "We should've brought some paper, then we could've made paper airplanes and threw them at each other whilst waiting."

"Why in the heck didn't we think of that?" Valkyrie asked.

* * *

It was three minutes before the next car came. A relatively short time, all things considered. Tanith shot her head down and pretended to read the book.

Valkyrie started filming as the car came into view. And coincidentally, a cloud passed over the sun as she was doing this, so she could now see the driver. It was another man. He looked about fifty, with thin grey hair. He frowned as he came up. It wasn't a confused frown, but an angry one. That was good. Sort of. He honked the horn at Tanith. He kept his hand on the horn for a few seconds. Tanith looked up, raised the airhorn, then honked back at him twice. The horn from the car stopped. Valkyrie saw the man's mouth open very slightly, and she could tell he had taken a sharp breath. He muttered something, then it looked like he was speaking out loud. Skulduggery had once attempted to teach Valkyrie lip-reading. This was in the old days when she hadn't even had her surge, and she was never much good at it (in fact a more apt description would be dog shit, but she didn't like to be so self-depreciative), so she had given up soon after. But even an amateur could tell that this driver was swearing. A lot. He looked  _extremely_  angry, and Valkyrie dreaded what was going to happen when he rolled down his window and leaned out. Valkyrie took a deep breath, and winced, waiting for him to start throwing insults at Tanith, and most likely for Tanith to throw insults back, but he didn't do that.

"Excuse me, madam, but what on earth are you doing?" He said in as posh an accent as he could muster, but it was clear he was faking it.

"I'm-" Tanith began in a confused tone of voice. She was expecting him to be angry, too. But she was cut off.

"This behaviour is extremely silly, especially for a young woman your age," he said condesendingly. "Could you please just get off the road so I can pass? And maybe pack up your stuff, too and go home, thank you dear girl."

Tanith looked at the driver, then at Valkyrie. Valkyrie shook her head slowly, as if to say  _don't look at me_. Tanith held up the airhorn and honked it for a long time at the driver, and when it was finished he gasped loud enough for Valkyrie to hear from where she was crouched filming. The driver rolled up his window, and sweared some more. When he rolled down the window, he sounded out of breath.

"I hope you understand that I will be writing to the local newspaper, but so help me goodness, you're lucky I don't have a telephone otherwise I would be straight onto the police. Now please, move out my way!" He seemed very flustered.

Tanith honked at him.

He rolled his window up. It almost looked as if he might start crying from frustration, but he took a deep breath, straightened himself, then slowly drove forward. It was Tanth's turn to frown now. The car didn't stop, but thankfully it wasn't going fast enough to harm her. It just slowly moved forward until Tanith was practically leaning on the bonnet. She dropped the airhorn, which rolled away clear of harm, and she slammed the book onto the car. She kicked the chair away, and now she was literally on top of the car, facing off against the driver, who continued to drive.

"Valkyrie!" Tanith cried, "I need backup!"

Valkyrie stopped filming as she stood up and hopped over the wall, then jogged over to the car. She considered climbing on top and helping Tanith, but then saw another car coming up the road behind them.

"Oh, crap," Valkyrie muttered. She grabbed hold of Tanith's arm, and pulled as hard as she could. Tanith slid off the car and stuck her middle finger up at the back of it as it drove off. "There's another car," Valkyrie said. It was coming closer. "Dammit, we won't have time to set up." The car was too close now. They had no choice but to step over to the side of the road and let it pass.

"Dammit," Tanith said, "that prick made us miss out on another one. And I bet they would've honked properly before opening the door."

"We'll just have to wait for the next one," Valkyrie said. "It's really annoying relying on strangers."

"It really is," Tanith said. She walked over to the airhorn and picked it up. It had stopped rolling when it reached the grass. Tanith wiped it on her leg and gave it a test honk, then she went and picked up the chair, and set it up. Valkyrie climbed back over the wall and they waited.

* * *

It was half an hour before the next car came. Tanith had taken to actually reading the book instead of just pretending to, and Valkyrie had taken to removing moss from the wall. She couldn't decide whether it was more uncomfortable to crouch next to it, or to lean on it. She decided they were equally uncomfortable, so alternated between the two.

"Hey Valkyrie," Tanith said, "did you know that tomatoes come from the same family of plants as chilli peppers, potatoes, and tobacco?"

"I did not know that, but now I do," Valkyrie said.

"Yup, this book is way more interesting than the title and cover would lead you to believe."

"I'll take your word for it," Valkyrie said.

"Ooh, finally, a car's coming," Tanith said, pointing.

"A car's coming super fast, by the looks of it."

"I hope they notice I'm here. They are definitely speeding. If they run me over, delete my internet history."

Valkyrie patted her fist against her opposite shoulder, "I will honour your last request."

Valkyrie opened the camera and pressed record as the car came into close view. She kept looking at Tanith, who was cringing in anticipation as if she was actually expecting to get hit. But when the car was around twenty yards away it halted and skidded to a stop.

The driver's door opened, and he got out, allowing the sounds of a heavy metal guitar solo blast out. His appearance complimented his music taste- he was wearing a leather waistcoat, leaving his heavily tattooed arms bare, and had long (clearly dyed) black hair which dangled over his mascara-ed eyes.

"What the fuck, dude?" The driver called out across the space between them, his voice being slightly overpowered by the music.

"Never mind," Tanith said, "you ruined it.

"What?" The driver asked, raising his voice more.

"I said  _never mind, you ruined it!_ "

"Oh," the driver said. He didn't sound completely satisfied with the answer.

The passenger door opened, and a girl got out. She was also dressed like she was attending a heavy metal concert rather than driving down an Irish country road leading to Haggard. Her hair had streaks of red in the black. "What did we ruin?" she asked.

"What?" Tanith asked, not hearing her.

Then, a third voice which may or may not have come from Goliath the giant, boomed out of the car.

" _SHE ASKED WHAT WE RUINED."_

Tanith glanced at Valkyrie. Valkyrie didn't notice, she was more focused on the metalheads, waiting to see if either of them turned into bats.

"Um, just a vine that me and my friend are recreating," Tanith shouted over, pointing to Valkyrie. Valkyrie waved sheepishly at them.

"Bloody 'ell there's a person over there," said the driver.

"A Vine?" the girl asked.

"Yeah. A Vine."

"Huh," the girl said, then laughed. "Sounds fun!"

"Yeah it's fun," Tanith said.

"What?"

"I said it is fun!"

"Oh!" the girl said.

"So can we get past?" The driver asked.

"Oh yeah, sorry," Tanith scooted backwards.

The driver gave a polite wave then him and the girl got back in the car. It moved forward then stopped again next to Tanith. The drivers window rolled down. The girl smiled and waved at Valkyrie, who waved back, slightly confused, while the driver was talking to Tanith.

"Here, here, take this," the driver was saying. Valkyrie couldn't tell what he could be handing over.

"Oh… no, I couldn't," Tanith said.

"Why not?"

"Because it's… expensive?"

"Nah don't worry about it, I don't need to pay, why do you?" the driver gave a short laugh. "Come on, it'll make your tree thingy even more fun."

"Heh, um, okay. If you insist…" Tanith did not sound enthusiastic.

"Yeah yeah, here you go," the driver said, then they moved on.

"What'd he give you?" Valkyrie asked.

Tanith, with an ever so slightly horrified frown on her face, slowly held up a little packet with what looked like a white powder inside it.

"Let's not talk about this," Valkyrie said.

"Agreed."

* * *

The sun was still covered by a cloud, and it looked like it might rain. "Another car!" Valkyrie said, looking up from her portrait of Xena made out of dandelion petals and moss.

"Get ready to film," Tanith said, distracted from reading about the best ways to grow roses with limited planting space.

"Duh," Valkyrie said humorously.

The car rolled to a stop, and Valkyrie saw the man in the front stare, looking slightly ashen-faced. He took a deep breath, then got out of the car.

"How did you know I'd pass this way?" he asked.

Tanith raised an eyebrow. "I'm not sure," she said, "how  _did_  I know?"

The man gulped. "Someone told you. You came to kill me."

Tanith smiled, and looked at Valkyrie, but she was just as confused as Tanith was. The man saw her looking, and followed her gaze, then spotted Valkyrie.

"Oh Christ, both of you?" He said.

"Uh," Valkyrie said. "Buddy, can I let you in on a secret? We're not going to kill you."

"Of course you are. She's an assassin."

"Ex assassin, actually," Tanith said.

"And why else would you be hiding behind a wall? God… just get it over with," the man's voice cracked a little, and he shut his eyes tightly.

Tanith mouthed to Valkyrie 'who is he?'

'I have no idea,' Valkyrie mouthed back, beginning to realise her lip-reading wasn't as bad as she thought.

"Hey guy, can you do us a favour?" Tanith said. The man opened his eyes.

"Anything, please, just have mercy."

"Alright, just, just remind us who you are," Tanith said. "Please," she added politely.

"You mean… you don't know?"

"I mean it would be rude to admit it, but yeah."

The man swallowed again. "F-Finnegan. McCool. Finnegan McCool."

"Did you make up that name?" Valkyrie asked.

"Of course I made it up, just like you both did."

"Oh wait, you're a sorcerer?" Tanith said in realisation. "That makes sense."

"I'm- wait. Do you really not know who I am? I mean really?"

"Nope," Tanith and Valkyrie said in unison.

"I-I left something in my car."

The man hurried back and sat behind the wheel, wiping his eyes and beginning to grin with joy. Then he reversed the car back up the road. A long way. Far too far for it to be safe. When he reached a turn, he went down it, and vanished from their view shortly after.

"Do you think he was a bad guy?" Tanith asked.

"Yeah. He wasn't very inconspicuous. And why else would he think we were going to kill him?"

"Maybe we should let someone know once we're finished. Just in case he's like a mass murderer. Or something."

"Yup."

* * *

The next car came just a few moments later, and it was a very recognisable one.

"Oh my god, look who it is," Valkyrie said as the Bentley rolled to a stop.

Skulduggery rolled down the window. China was sitting in the passenger side.

"Do I even want to know why you're both here?" Skulduggery asked.

"I think you already know the answer," Tanith said.

"I really don't."

"We've been sitting here waiting for someone to honk at us twice, so that she can honk back with that," Valkyrie pointed at Tanith. Tanith held up the airhorn and gave it a honk. "Then they're supposed to get out the car aggressively, but so far most of them have been civilised for the most part."

"So you've been here a while?" China said, leaning out the window.

"Uh-huh. I'm getting hungry. So is Tanith, probably."

"I mean I could eat, but I wouldn't say I'm hungry, more jus-"

"Did anyone suspicious pass?" Skulduggery asked, cutting in.

"Well there was a group of metalheads that looked like they would be willing to sacrifice farm animals, but they were surprisingly conversational, I mean apart from-"

"No no, they would be on their own," China said.

"I think I know exactly who you're talking about. Just a couple of minutes ago there was this guy with a weird name that I purposefully forgot, and he was a sorcerer, and he thought we were going to kill him. We were thinking he might be a murderer."

"Finnegan McCool," Valkyrie said.

"That's him," Skulduggery said. "Which way?"

"Back that way," Valkyrie said, pointing down the road. "Then he took the first turn going that way. Want us to follow?"

"No, it should be fine," China said, "we just needed to find him."

"Have fun," Skulduggery said, and the Bentley sharply turned around, and went the same way Finnegan had.

"Well, I'm pretty sure we let a murderer get away," Tanith said.

"Dammit, I hate when that happens."

* * *

"Roses need at least six hours of sunlight a day and need plenty of water, but also lots of drainage, because they don't like 'wet feet'" Tanith said.

Valkyrie looked at her, her head resting in her hand. "I thought that was the same for all flowers?" she said.

"Well, yeah I guess that's true, but this bit's about growing roses specifically."

"Huh."

"Yeah…" Tanith looked back down at the book. She had read quite a lot of it.

"Look," Valkyrie pointed excitedly up the road. "Another car."

"Yes!" Tanith switched from reading the book, to pretending to read the book. It wasn't until later she realised she could've continued reading the book, and the Vine would've been exactly the same.

Valkyrie saw the driver raise his hand in that confused gesture many people do. He slowed down when he got closer to them, and honked the horn. Twice.

Tanith looked up, and honked back at him. There was a moment where the driver must've been weighing his options. He decided, and got out the car quickly, looking decidedly angry. Tanith leapt off her chair, tipping it over, and ran. Valkyrie stopped recording at this moment because despite the fact that Tanith was being chased by a driver stricken with the dreaded road-rage, everything had gone perfect in that attempt.

"Hey Tanith, we got it!" Valkyrie shouted.

"That's great!" Tanith shouted, still running, the driver running after her. "Now get my sword! Get my sword! Get my fucking sword!" She raised her voice each time, but kept getting quieter as she got chased further down the road.

Valkyrie hopped over the wall and ran after them (not getting the sword, to avoid any unwanted murders). She stopped when Tanith turned around, and punched the driver in the face. He went down like a sack of rocks disguised as a five foot nine businessman wearing a leather jacket that did not suit him.

Valkyrie caught up with them. "Why did you punch him?!" She asked.

"I thought he was gonna hurt me! It was me or him."

"You're a sorcerer. And an assassin. An assassin-sorcerer can figure out how to not punch a mortal guy who isn't even wearing matching socks."

"Wow, you notice things like that?"

"Is he dead?" Valkyrie said, ignoring her and crouching down next to the hopefully-not-dead guy.

"I don't know. See if he's breathing."

"You check if he's breathing. I'm not getting any closer than I already am."

"Maybe we should just take him back to his car," Tanith suggested. "If he's dead, maybe people will think he had a heart attack or something."

"His nose is bleeding."

"Oh yeah, people don't normally bleed when they have heart attacks…"

The man took a deep breath, and coughed slightly.

"Oh good, he's not dead, just unconscious," Valkyrie said. "I mean, not that being unconscious isn't a big deal, but it's better than him being dead."

"Alright, let's take him to his car, then leave. Hopefully he's got short term memory loss."

"You take his left arm, I'll take right." They picked him up and started dragging him to his car. "God, I feel like such a criminal," Valkyrie said.

"Yeah, I guess we do look like murderers dragging a dead body. But  _we_  know we didn't kill him, so we can't get in trouble."

"That's not technically true," Valkyrie said.

"Oh shit. There's a car coming."

"God dammit. Now that we don't want any?" Valkyrie looked down the road. There was a white car coming from Haggard.

"I think it's a taxi, there's that thing on the top. Do you think he'd believe us if we said he's our drunk friend? We could just pay the taxi driver to take him away."

"His nose."

"Oh yeah. Hold on a second," Tanith squinted to see the car. "Oh shit, again. That's not a taxi."

As the car got closer the word on printed in blue on the front of it came into view- GARDA.

"Well, I guess I'll see you in jail."

The garda car pulled in and the driver got out. Valkyrie and Tanith dropped the man. He groaned.

"Let me guess, this isn't what it looks like?" the garda said.

"Uhh, what does it look like?" Valkyrie asked.

The garda looked at the scene in front of him. "One of you hit him in the face, and now you're putting him in his car, hoping people think he had a heart attack or something, even though his nose is bruised and bleeding."

"Wow, that was an incredibly accurate guess," Tanith said. "There's just one thing you're wrong about: His nose isn't bruised. It is bleeding, but it's not bruised."

Valkyrie looked down at the man. "Yeah, it's bruised," she said.

"Oh," she turned to the garda "carry on," she said.

* * *

"Inspector Me, I really think you should just let them be processed the normal way," said the sergeant, who was known in this station simply as 'The Boss' by his colleagues, even though there was at least seven ranks higher than him. Inspector being one of them.

"That won't be necessary," said Detective Inspector Me, "these two hooligans have been constantly evading me. It'll be a pleasure to take them off your hands and have them face a higher authority."

"Right, well," he said as he opened the holding cells door, "they're all yours."

Valkyrie and Tanith stood up, immediately recognising the suit and hat that Inspector Me wore.

"Come on then, criminals," he said.

They followed him through the station. A man at a desk gave Skulduggery a document, Valkyrie's car keys, the airhorn, and the book. The chair was nowhere to be found. Skulduggery read the document as they went through the main doors, spotted a couple of grammar mistakes, then threw it in the nearest bin.

"You had a packet of cocaine?" Skulduggery asked, turning to Tanith.

"I can explain that."

"And you punched a man in the face?"

"I can also explain that."

"And you helped her?"

"Well she hardly needed help punching someone," Valkyrie said, "and I didn't know the metalheads were giving her a packet of cocaine until after it happened, but yeah I guess you could say I was an accomplice."

"Next time either of you get arrested, I'm not getting you out of it."

"You're in a bad mood," Valkyrie said. They reached the Bentley, which was parked across the road from the station, and got in. "Did you and China's bad guy get away?"

"How do you know I'm not just in a bad mood because you two got arrested? Again."

Valkyrie made a doubtful face.

"Yes, our bad guy got away."

"If it helps," Tanith said, "I have some really interesting facts about gardening that might cheer you up."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next I'm not sure yet. I'll know by the end of today which one I'm doing.
> 
> So we ended up with a chapter after all this week, it was touch and go but KenrickMNP got his laptop fixed and got this chapter written for you all, saving this week's upload.
> 
> If you have any requests don't hesitate to send them in and if you know any languages used in previous chapters send them in too. Chapter 45 now has a shout out - HeyThisIsCool- on fanfiction.net.
> 
> Also a big thank you to lord duck for your review. It means a lot that you took the time to leave a review and we're glad you enjoyed The Vines of Valkyrie and Tanith, 8.5/10 is damn good score so thank you again. :)
> 
> Until next time!


	48. Wanna Buy An Omelette for Five Dollars?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by both KenrickMNP and me.

"How many times have we been arrested now?" Valkyrie asked, turning around in her seat to face Tanith sitting in the back of the Bentley as Skulduggery drove them back to Valkyrie's. Valkyrie's car had been taken to the garage as open going back to the car they discovered one of the tires had been slashed.

"I love the world today," Valkyrie had cheerily proclaimed as Tanith frantically checked her sword was still there.

"There was the Euro Store thing, then the sword thing where I got arrested, there was also the waffle thing and I feel like there might have been another time."

"That many times is too many times," Skulduggery said, gloved hands gripping the steering wheel tightly. If he had knuckles, they would be white.

Valkyrie and Tanith shared a look.

"Let's just agree that we should no longer get arrested and move on with the general consensus that no one's day ended well," Tanith said and sat back in her seat.

"That is a good decision," Skulduggery said.

"So what did the murderous Finnegan McCool do?" Valkyrie said turning back around.

"Murdered someone."

"Descriptive."

The silence was uneasy. Skulduggery was never quiet. Never. He always had some witty comment or smart arse remark to make, no matter the circumstance. This time was different.

"We're sorry for getting arrested," Valkyrie said.

"Yeah, we're sorry," Tanith agreed.

"Apology partially accepted," Skulduggery loosen his grip on the wheel.

"Partially?"

"Under order of the Grand Mage you do have to face repercussions."

"Repercussions?" Valkyrie asked.

"You will both be under house arrest for the next two weeks."

"That's not too bad," Valkyrie said, "I haven't wanted an excuse to stay in and fix up some stuff around the house."

"You can't do any of those video things either," Skulduggery added, ""None of your strange ways of entertaining yourselves; no silly business."

"What?!" Valkyrie and Tanith cried.

"Them's the rules," Skulduggery's skull tilted into a grin as Tanith dramatically flopped to the side and Valkyrie let out a wail to rival Catelyn Stark at the Red Wedding.

"It's only videos," Skulduggery said.

Valkyrie stopped her wailing. "We're being dramatic. Let us be dramatic."

"No."

* * *

"I feel like we should do a Vine," Tanith said, sitting on the floor with her legs resting on the couch, like a normal person.

"Skulduggery said not to," Valkyrie replied, sitting on the couch with a blanket wrapped around her for no particular reason other than wanting a cape ten minutes ago, and now it was cozy.

After the incident with the police, the mortal Tanith had punched, and of course the cocaine, it was the end of the first week of the Sanctuary mandated house arrest, thanks to Skulduggery. It seemed Skulduggery had done it more out of pettiness than actual punishment, but now they were confined to Valkyrie's house and the grounds around it that she owned. It wasn't all bad. They had binge watched Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and a couple of horror films. It was basically an extended sleepover.

But there was the added challenge of not re-creating any Vines.

This meant that in comparison to what it could've been, the week-long punishment sleepover was kind of boring.

"He said to see if we can wait the week without doing anything," Tanith said, "and he said it in a tone that implied he thought we wouldn't manage it, so the rebellious side of me wants to prove him wrong."

"Is it more rebellious to prove him wrong, or defy his order?" Valkyrie asked, slowly scheming away.

"Well… technically it wasn't an order. Besides, he can't even give me orders. He certainly can't give  _you_  orders. I mean he's kind of the one that ordered us to stay here, but that doesn't count. No Sanctuary officials have officially imposed it on us"

"Exactly. What did we even do that was so outrageous?"

"We knocked a mortal guy out," Valkyrie said. "And then got arrested for it. The packet of cocaine you were given didn't help us much."

"Oh, right. I'll be perfectly honest I forgot we did that, so it probably wasn't as serious as we think."

"Yeah, totally. You know what? We  _should_  do a vine. Out of defiance. Which one?"

Tanith thought about it for a second. "How about we phone Fletcher and get him to go buy a green morph suit for us, and do that one with the guy who jumps off the kitchen counter and says 'I'm gay?' I've wanted to do that one for a while, it looks fun."

Valkyrie smiled, but then the smile faltered. "That one could be kinda dangerous. I mean not dangerous to anyone else, but to us. It seems like an easy way to re-split your head. And knowing us, I'll probably end up cutting my hand again. And Dexter would probably get hit in the head with a bottle."

"Even though Dexter won't even be there?"

"Magic," Valkyrie said, wiggling her fingers through the air. "But anyway, if one of us injures ourselves, Skulduggery will find out. He won't be mad, and I doubt he'd be surprised, but he'd be so damn smug."

"Yeah that's true… So let's save that one for when this week is up. An easy, simple one. What's an easy and simple one?"

Valkyrie considered. "I know," she said. She hopped up from the couch, dramatically flinging off her blanket-cape, and ran to the kitchen. Tanith got up and followed her. "Yeet!" Valkyrie said, and chucked an egg at her. Tanith caught it, but it broke upon contact with her hand.

"Ew," she said, letting the crushed shell and most of the slime drop to the ground. "Oh wait, that one where the guy gets an egg thrown at his face?"

"No, but that would be a good one for future," Valkyrie said. "Actually we don't need an egg -you're cleaning that up by the way- I just threw it at you to imply it involved eggs. It's that one with the guy on the floor that says 'hey, you wanna buy an omelette for five dollars?'"

"That one! It is extremely easy and simple. Alright. Let's watch the vine so we know what needs doing, then do the do with the do do do!"

* * *

Valkyrie picked up a pile of envelopes. All of her actual mail was in the recycling bin, and the post hadn't arrived yet, so she just used some envelopes she owned in case she ever needed to send a letter, which she hadn't because she knew what an email was. The envelopes weren't exactly vital to the vine, but her and Tanith decided they may as well add it in anyway, for the sake of authenticity.

"Alright, there's five separate shots in this one, so you're gonna be editing tonight," Valkyrie said.

"Yeah I know, but nevermind. You know, I learned how to edit videos pretty easily. You could too."

"That's very true," Valkyrie replied in a tone that displayed her complete disinterest in learning. "We'll take turns filming each other. Even though it's the same guy in both roles in the vine. But fuck authenticity, right?"

"Right. I'll lie on the floor, you look surprised?"

"Sure. You ready?" Valkyrie asked

"Are you ready?"

"I'm ready."

"Then so am I. Action! Oh wait, you haven't given me your phone."

Valkyrie handed Tanith her phone.

"Alright. You ready? I'm kidding, we've been over that. Action!"

Tanith pressed record, Valkyrie looked at the envelopes, then her eyes drifted to the ground and widened. Tanith stopped recording.

"Cut. That was easy."

"Easy and simple," Valkyrie said, taking the phone from Tanith.

Tanith put on a woolly hat Valkyrie had fetched for her and lay on the ground in front of a backpack.

"Alright, action," Valkyrie whispered. Tanith pretended to be asleep while Valkyrie filmed her for just a couple of seconds. "Cut," she said, still whispering. "You can wake up now."

Tanith got up and took the phone from Valkyrie, then pressed record, waving her arm to indicate she had done so.

"Are you okay?" Valkyrie asked.

Tanith stopped filming and handed the phone back to Valkyrie. Tanith lay on the ground, and shut her eyes.

"Action," Valkyrie said.

Tanith opened her eyes and lifted her head up, smiling slightly idiotically. "Wassup?" She said, pressing her tongue to the back of her throat to replicate the voice in the Vine.

"Cut," Valkyrie said.

"Wow, all these cuts are getting pretty tedious," Tanith said.

"I know, right? At least there's only like one more."

"Yup," Tanith took the phone from Valkyrie, and held it up. "Action!" She said.

Valkyrie adopted a wary look on her face, and pulled her head back slightly. While she was doing this, Tanith was saying, "hey, hey," from behind the camera, then said "cut."

"This is going so well. I mean I might've just jinxed us but it is."

"There's not really much that can go wrong with this, so unless we get attacked by Godzilla or Cthulhu or something, I think this'll go without incident."

After saying that, Tanith looked cautiously towards the horizon. No giant green monsters were rising, so it seemed all was well.

"Alright, here you go. Let's get this finished," Tanith said, handing the phone back to Valkyrie for what was hopefully the last time, then getting back on the ground.

"Action," Valkyrie said.

"You wanna buy an omelette for five dollars?" Tanith asked, still speaking in the weird voice. She was reaching into her backpack as she spoke, then Valkyrie stopped recording.

"We did it!" Valkyrie cheered.

"Yay!" Tanith flung her hat off.

"We did a full Vine without breaking anything, unless you count the egg but I don't, and without breaking any _one_. We should be damn proud of ourselves. And Skulduggery can't say anything because he won't even find out about it."

"Actually I've been over here for the last seven minutes," Skulduggery said, standing in the kitchen doorway.

"Fuck!" Valkyrie said.

"How are you so specific?" Tanith said.

"Do you really want an explanation?"

"Yes."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next Tanith dresses in a greenmorph suit and jumps off a counter. What could go wrong...?
> 
> The beginning up until the first line break was written by me, KenrickMNP did the vine and the rest of it, apart from the last two lines, which were written by me.
> 
> I'm done with exams now so I can get focused on writing again. Good luck to anyone still sitting exams!
> 
> Until next time!


	49. I'm Gay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by me

"Your house arrest has officially ended," Skulduggery unlocked the chain and padlock he had put around Valkyrie's gate and let it fall back against the metal with a clang.

"Oh thank fuck," Valkyrie ran out of the gate and stopped a few steps out into the road. The ground felt so different out here, the green verge so bright and luscious, glistening with fallen raindrops from the days of continuous rain.

The road sparkled as rain had gathered in the tiny little cracks and gaps in the surface and streams ran alongside the verge, the water fighting downhill to get to wherever water needs to be. The large ditch across the road was full and flowing, Valkyrie could hear the running water of water escaping off the fields and gathering.

"Finally!" Tanith bolted past Valkyrie and leaped over the grass verge across the road, landing in the ditch, water flying up everywhere.

"What the fuck?"

Tanith stood up, soaked and muddy, shook her head and clambered out the ditch. She walked silently past Valkyrie, past Skulduggery and walked up into the house, smiling all the way.

* * *

"Do I want to know what the ditch thing was?"

"I've spent the last few days watching that ditch fill up with water and got the desire to jump into it. If there's anything the last two weeks have taught me, it's that life is strange. One minute you're free to do whatever, the next you're stuck . So you gotta get out there and do what you want today or you might never be able to do it."

"Basically you have no impulse control."

"Basically. So now that we're free to do vines - should we do the one we talked about? The 'I'm Gay' one?"

"I see precisely no reasons why not."

"Perfect," Tanith walked off across the room and up onto the wall. "It's perfect because I just so happened to get the morphsuit we needed. And I mean I am bi, but I don't mind using gay as an umbrella term. I do have a slight problem though due to the erasure of bisexual people in the media. I mean look at 'Orange is the New Black' Piper was shown to be attracted to men and women but only one person ever used the word 'bisexual' and it was in a negative light. They just called her gay or straight depending on who she was dating.

"Thankfully Brooklyn Nine Nine fixed that up with the great and glorious Rosa Diaz. I stan a bi-con and I will stop my rant now cause I have a lot to say and we don't have much time cause I need to get back and feed Buddy my lovely little lizard. Ooh- alliteration," Tanith's voice faded out as her footsteps became the loudest noise.

Footsteps echoing from the wall, the ceiling, then finally thumping along the upstairs corridor.

Valkyrie sat on the couch and turned on the TV. Xena jumped up beside her, Valkyrie absentmindedly stroked Xena's fur, ignoring the various crashes, thumps and shouts from upstairs.

Tanith was never exactly quiet at anything she did. Except for things you would never expect.

* * *

Tanith was suspiciously quiet.

The waiting rippled through Valkyrie as she listened out for any noise to indicate what Tanith was doing. She'd gone to do something about a morphsuit. Even the inflatable ones hadn't taken this long to sort out.

Valkyrie leaned back against the couch cushions and patted Xena's head. She had tried to keep Xena off the furniture but gave up less than five minutes into her "no dogs on furniture" resolve. Xena deserved the comfy comfort of the couch as much as Valkyrie herself did.

Xena lifted her head and looked to the door. She licked her lips and whined.

"What is it?" Valkyrie ruffled Xena's head, "Hmm? What is it? Is it Tanith coming back? Is it? Is it?"

Xena let out a soft bark.

Valkyrie held her breath and waited. Her heart echoed faintly in her ear. She could feel the vibrations of Xena growling. There in the distant reaches of her hearing, footsteps.

Tanith.

It was Tanith. But was it? Valkyrie's stomach tensed. It could easily not be Tanith. But then it so easily could be.

Xena sat up and tilted her head.

Something scuffled above Valkyrie.

In the second it took to look up a flash of green fell in front of Valkyrie. Tanith landed in a crouch at the foot of the couch in a green morphsuit.

Tanith looked up at Valkyrie. Valkyrie stared back, blinking slowly.

"I'm gay."

"Just gotta do that off a kitchen counter now," Valkyrie said.

"Yup," Tanith popped the 'p' and jumped up to her feet.

"It's not going to work is it?" Tanith asked.

"Given our track record of jumping off things - nope."

"I can't wait."

* * *

Tanith ran at the counter. She leaped up, got one knee and her hands on the counter and pushed the rest of body up. She moved from a kneel to standing as upright as she could. Her head was bent forward, pressed against the ceiling.

Valkyrie kneeled down on the floor and held her phone up. If she was right the screen should catch Tanith leaping into frame and landing on the floor.

"All you gotta do is leap rightly," Valkyrie said.

"I like that word - rightly."

"Me too. Do you want to do this in one take, or two?"

"Go for one. I can't really be bothered editing shit."

Valkyrie nodded, "say when you're ready to make the leap of faith."

"Okay, ready," Tanith prepared to jump, "wait. Shouldn't we re-watch the vine to check we've got this right?"

"Probably. Memories are unreliable. We gotta refresh those minds of ours."

* * *

"Okay so you gotta be standing, then you jump down, land with your head bowed then look up as I zoom into your face," Valkyrie said as she closed down Youtube and returned to the camera.

"Rightly-oh."

"Rightly-oh."

Tanith leaped back up onto the counter.

"I am rightly sorted," Tanith adjusted the hood on her morphsuit.

"How about we stop saying rightly?"

"Rightly-oh."

"I will push you off the counter and resplit your head."

"I apologise."

Valkyrie shook her head and readied her camera, "I'm ready in three, two, one!"

Valkyrie pressed record and Tanith leaped off the counter, landing neatly in a crouch. Valkyrie followed her as smoothly as she could with the camera and zoomed in on Tanith's face as Tanith looked up.

"I'm gay," Tanith looked sideways into the camera and burst out laughing.

Valkyrie stopped filming and laughed.

"Ya know, we first talked about doing this three weeks ago," Tanith said, standing up.

"Really? Why'd it take us so long, I mean I know we had house arrest but wow."

"Yeah…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next is another chapter tomorrow.
> 
> So I finally finished it. I literally have no real excuse so I am sorry for not finishing this earlier.
> 
> Thank you to guest, Demise Rim, who left a review on chapter one. I was a bit confused by what you mean by a current post? If you mean is this story currently being updated - then yes. We try to post every week on Wednesday. It does change sometimes but we aim for Wednesday every week.
> 
> Until next time!


	50. You Messing With My Truck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by KenrickMNP

 

* * *

Valkyrie stepped into Ghastly's shop, and instead of Ghastly sitting there at his sewing machine, she was met with Tanith.

"Valkyrie, finally," Tanith said, standing up. "I knew you were coming here, you wanna know how I knew?"

"Uh, I'm not sure. Ghastly told you?"

"Nope, good guess though. I used my incredible detective skills, which rival even Skulduggery's, and read Ghastly's planner to deduce that you were coming in to pick up a torn jacket."

"Wow, you  _are_  an incredible detective." Valkyrie said. "So where is Ghastly?"

"In the back. I think. It doesn't matter, we need to buy some nunchucks."

"Huh?"

"Nunchucks," Tanith said, "I'm sure you've heard of them."

"Of course I've heard of nunchucks," Valkyrie said. "I was more curious as to why we need to buy some."

"A Vine."

"Oh right. I suppose I should've guessed to be honest," Valkyrie said. "Is it that one with the guy on top of a truck?"

"Exactly that one. Are you psychic?"

"Kind of, yeah. But that's the most nunchucky one I can think of. I could have been wrong."

"Oh well, you aren't. Let's go get some nunchucks," Tanith took Valkyrie by the arm and tried dragging her out.

"Can I at least pick up my jacket? Ghastly said to get it this afternoon. It's now the afternoon. I'm here to pick it up."

"Don't worry about that, you can get it later."

"But I'm here right now, it'll only take a minute."

"Nunchucks," Tanith said, pulling Valkyrie harder. Valkyrie sighed, and went with her.

"So where are we getting nunchucks?" Valkyrie asked.

"I have no idea. Are we taking you car?"

"No we're taking yours," Valkyrie said sarcastically.

They got into Valkyrie's car.

"If you don't even know where we're getting them then why are we in such a rush to get them?"

"I don't know. Once I've decided what Vine we're doing I don't like delays."

"Hm. Same to be honest. Now how long are we gonna be delayed while looking around for nunchucks?"

"That's different."

"Sure it is." Valkyrie said. She started the car and they drove away from the shop. "So instead of driving around aimlessly, we should figure out where to get a potentially deadly weapon. Weapons. There's two in the Vine. Are they even legal in Ireland?"

"I'll be completely honest I have no idea. We could always make some," she suggested.

"Ooh yeah. How do we do that?"

"I'll be completely honest I once again have no idea," Tanith said.

"Great. We're doing great at this so far."

"Right? Oh hey, isn't there a martial arts shop not far from here? They might have weapons. Or possibly a regular sports shop but the martial arts place would be more likely."

"Yeah I think you're right. I mean it's kinda far from here but it is within the city so we can drive there."

"Great," Tanith said.

"I hate driving in the city," Valkyrie said conversationally, "the roads are always so busy. We'd be better getting a bus. I mean who's actually brave enough to drive in the city?"

"Many people, presumably. It's weird, no one drives in the city because too many people drive in the city. But buses are equally bad. There's almost always some weirdo staring at you."

"Yeah that's weird. But buses are better for the environment."

"We should be ashamed of ourselves," Tanith said. "We are directly influencing climate change by driving where we need to go. And we can't punch climate change to get rid of it."

"Wait, are you suggesting we actually get a bus?"

"Hell no. By the time you find a safe parking place, we find a bus stop, and wait for a bus to arrive, we could have gotten to the martial arts place and filmed the Vine."

Valkyrie sighed. "Outrageous," she said. "Outrageous and shocking. You should be ashamed of yourself you outrageous, shocking person who doesn't care about the climate."

"You're right. I'm a shocking outrageous person, but I'm a shocking, outrageous person who doesn't want to take a bus when we don't even know where we're going."

"Oh yeah. I forgot about that fact," Valkyrie said. "Still, we could take a bus a bit further and then walk around until we find the shop."

"If you want to take a bus so much then why didn't you take one to Ghastly's? Huh?"

"Because… Shut up."

Tanith smiled triumphantly. "Hah. I win this time."

They drove around the city chatting about nonsense for twenty five minutes driving up and down every road and looking at all the shops they passed, until eventually they found a wide building saying  **Martial Arts's Us**  above the door, along with a little silhouette of a person doing a karate kick.

"Martial arts is us?" Valkyrie said as they got out the car. "That is incredibly not a very good name. Grammar-wise."

"You can't critique someone's grammar in a grammatically incorrect sentence," Tanith pointed out. "Hey Val, what are we gonna do if they don't have nunchucks here?"

"I'm not sure," Valkyrie said. "Check somewhere else, google how to make some. We can figure it out if it comes to that."

"Got it. Basically we just make it up as we go along?"

"When do we  _not_  do that?"

"True," said Tanith. "Alright, come on."

They stepped into the shop and looked around. In some parts of the store there was different types of outfits for karate, judo, and jujitsu, as well as kickboxing trousers. In other parts were training equipment such as punchings bags, focus mitts, strike shields, skipping ropes and grips trainers.

"This place is fucking awesome," Valkyrie said.

"I know right," Tanith said, not knowing where to look first. "Look at that. It's a punching bag shaped like a person. Terry torso. How about that..."

Valkyrie excitedly slapped Tanith's arm and pointed across to the far wall. "Weapons," she said. They rushed over and looked at what was in stock.

"Holy shit. That is… a lot of weapons."

Most of them were wooden or foam, but hanging on the wall was all sorts of staffs, sticks, swords and...

"Yes! They've got nunchucks," Valkyrie said.

"Aww, not proper nunchucks," Tanith said disheartenedly, taking two sets of nunchucks off the rack. They were all wrapped together with plastic for safety. "They're all for training. You'd need to  _really_  hit someone to hurt them with these."

"We're not hurting anyone. We're doing a Vine you dipstick."

"I understood that reference," Tanith said, still pretending to be upset..

"Good, I don't want you thinking I'd actually insult you."

"Even though you said that politely I feel like you're still making fun of me. Are you?"

"No…" Valkyrie said. "Yes."

Tanith hit her arm with a wrapped up nunchuck.

"Ow! See, they do still hurt," Valkyrie said. "Come on, let's buy the nunchucks and head off to find a truck suitable for filming."

"Hey wait, I want to see what else they have here. This place totally fits my ninja aesthetic."

Valkyrie frowned. "You have a ninja aesthetic?"

"Yes. Obviously," Tanith said. "Wait, is it not obvious?"

"Not really. I'm more of a ninja than you."

"How?" Tanith demanded.

"Well I wear all black, like a ninja, and my clothes are soft and quiet. Whereas you wear brown leather. Seriously, you wear more leather than a CW superhero."

"There's nothing wrong with wearing leather," Tanith said.

"You're right, but it's not very ninja-like."

"Whatever. I have a sword, ninja's have swords. You don't have a sword. You have sticks."

"Shock sticks," corrected Valkyrie.

"Sticks. Like those escrima sticks there," Tanith pointed to a set of two sticks around the length of a forearm, sort of like massive drum sticks. They were also wrapped in plastic.

"Is that what those are called?"

"Yup," Tanith said. "I learned all about these sorts of weapons when I was young."

"Huh. Sometime I forget how dark your childhood was… So what's this then?" Valkyrie picked up a stick, slightly smaller than the escrima's, which had a handle protruding from it.

"That's a tonfa. I have no idea how to use one of those though. I mean I know  _how_  to use it, but I can't."

"You can't?"

"Nah. Unfortunately no matter how much I act like it, I can't do everything."

"Nobody's perfect. What were we talking about again?" Valkyrie asked, and put the tonfa back. Then without waiting for an answer she said, "ooh, now this I know how to use." Valkyrie picked up a Bo staff and twirled it around a few times, but knocked over a display stand behind her.

"Well done," Tanith said.

Valkyrie replaced the staff and picked up the stuff she had knocked over, while Tanith continued looking at the weapons for a few moments before turning to Valkyrie.

"Alright, let's go," she said.

"Seriously? Normally we leave shops with like a carload of stuff."

"Yeah, that's true. Maybe I should buy a ton of stuff just for the sake of tradition."

"You don't have any money, do you?"

"Nope. Was kind of hoping you'd cover that."

"Let's go," Valkyrie said.

 

* * *

As it turned out, nunchucks - training nunchucks at least- were perfectly legal. So Tanith and Valkyrie bought them without incident and left the store promising to themselves that they'd return for more stuff when they wanted it. But for now, they were determined to film the Vine.

"Alright. We need a truck. Not like a big truck, not a lorry. Just a small one," Valkyrie said. They got in the car and Tanith dropped the nunchucks onto the backseat.

"More like a big car," Tanith said.

"Exactly. So where do we find one of those?"

"We could drive around until we find one?"

"I did think that but what if the owner doesn't like us doing that?" said Valkyrie.

"We hit them with nunchucks."

"Uh-huh. That's a bad idea," Valkyrie said. "We really shouldn't get arrested again."

"Oh yeah, I forgot that was a possibility. Does anyone we know own a truck? Any of the Dead Men? The Monster Hunters?"

Valkyrie squinted and shook her head. "No… I think Paul from the City Guard does but once I asked him what the time was and he told me to eat a rotten pickle so he probably won't let us climb on his truck."

"Fucking Paul," Tanith said, "I don't even know who he is and I don't like him. I guess we'll have to buy a truck."

"We're not buying a truck."

"You still have so much money from Gordon, you can buy a truck."

"I'm not buying a truck."

"How about you rent one?"

"I mean…"

"Yes!" Tanith cheered. She took out her phone. "I'll find out where the nearest car rental place is and we can go see if they've got one that'll do."

"Wait," Valkyrie said. "Check the Vine. I'm pretty sure it's only the front of the car you can see, so maybe we can get away with using this." She patted the steering wheel of her own car as she said that.

"But you could still rent a truck."

"Check the Vine," Valkyrie said.

"I'm checking the Vine," Tanith said. She opened Youtube and searched for the Vine, then pressed play.

"Okay that's great!" Valkyrie said. "It's filmed from the front, so we can just use my car. Thank God we didn't pay to rent one, that would've been such a waste."

"For you maybe," Tanith said. "I personally think it would've been fun to drive around in a massive car. But yeah you're right. We'll film it from the front."

"In that case we don't have any reason to wait. We just need to find somewhere suitable and film it."

"Yup. And how about we get McDonald's on the way?"

* * *

They found a parking space and got out, only after stopping for McDonald's.

"Alright, you got the nunchucks?" Valkyrie asked, taking a bite out of a double cheeseburger.

Tanith reached into the back seat and took the nunchucks out. "I got the nunchucks."

"Then let's do this." They got out of the car. "You know what to say?"

"Yup."

"You sure?"

"Yup."

"All right, then let's get on with it!"

"Fuck yeah!"

Valkyrie crouched down in front of her car while Tanith unwrapped the nunchucks and spun them around a few times. Surprisingly, they only hit her once.

"You're great at that," Valkyrie commented, watching Tanith.

"Hey, in my defence I am out of practice," Tanith said. She continued spinning the nunchucks, and they got faster every moment until they were just a jittery blur hopping back and forth. "There we go," Tanith said, smiling. "Badassery restored." Then she hit herself in the jaw.

Valkyrie burst out laughing.

"I'm suddenly glad these are for training," Tanith said, rubbing her jaw. If the nunchucks were metal, she would most likely have broken it. "Okay, I've finished practicing. You ready?"

"I'm ready. Do me a favour, don't put your foot through my back window?"

"I'll try my very very best," Tanith said. She walked around to the back of the car.

Valkyrie held the phone at the bottom of the bonnet, watching the screen until it got to a position Valkyrie was happy with.

"Action!" Valkyrie called out.

"Uh-uh, hold up," Tanith said, deciding it was better not to put on an accent.

She leaped onto the backside of the car, her magic coming in handy, and hopped onto the roof, which was much more slippery than expected. Her foot slid from under her, and she fell onto her ribs. Valkyrie felt the jolt that went through the car when Tanith landed.

"Oww-ww," Tanith groaned. She rolled over, and slowly slid down the window like some sort of blonde, human-shaped insect.

"Are you okay?" Valkyrie asked.

"Mm, yeah, I'm fine."

"Is my car okay?"

Tanith glared, but softened it. "I'm actually surprised you asked about me  _before_ the car."

 

* * *

 

"Okay, take two! Don't slip this time," Valkyrie said. "Action!"

"Uh-uh, hold up," Tanith said. In a swift movement, she climbed on top of the car, "you messing with my truck?" Tanith began spinning the nunchucks around, crossing her arms over each other a few times. "You messing with my truck, dipstick?" She flipped the nunchucks behind her back, and Valkyrie stopped recording.

"Yay! Two takes, and I didn't get injured!"

"I did though," Tanith said.

"But not that much. I still count this as a victory."

Tanith hopped off the car. "Same to be honest," she said. Her and Valkyrie fistbumped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next - Tanith tries karaoke
> 
> I'm finished school, but I'm not done with it yet. Despite my leaver's form being signed and the leaver's forms going in on Friday I will continue to go into school until the end of the term so I can go to my music lessons. They will never be free of me. My mark will remain in the school forever. Yeet.
> 
> So that's it, sorry again for my late chapter but I will be back on schedule for upcoming weeks.
> 
> Until next time!


	51. Waa-Ah-Ah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by me and features alcohol usage and a drunk Valkyrie and Tanith.

"You know we should do?"

"I never trust when either of us says that."

"Same, but trust me this time. It's a good idea. We should get drunk."

"You know what - yes!"

* * *

Valkyrie set down her bottle of beer and opened up another one. She gulped back, one, two, thee, four, five mouthfuls before pulling the bottle away and gasping in fresh air.

"I want to do karaoke!" Tanith slurred.

"Carry - okay?" Valkyrie furrowed her brow and stared, picturing the word in her head. It had a weird spelling. It began with 'c' or maybe 'k.' Either way - weird spelling.

"Carry-okay!" Tanith agreed, throwing her arms out wide and nodding enthusiastically. "I think we're drunk."

"We are most definitely drunk," Valkyrie tipped the last of her bottle down her throat.

"Throw the bottle!"

"No," Valkyrie slurred, "that would ires- ires-ponce-i-able."

"Truth thruth. True. Thrue."

"I want to do karaoke too!" Valkyrie yelled. The thought came to her suddenly. She was light and happy and wanted to sing. Maybe something like -

"Ooh! I have idea! We vine!" Tanith's shout interrupted Valkyrie's thought.

"Vine time!"

* * *

"Plaaaayyyy ittt!" Tanith nodded and waved the microphone around.

"I'm playing it, I'm playing it," Valkyrie hit play on the "Down With The Sickness" karaoke video she had loaded on her laptop.

Tanith nodded her head out of synch with the beat and badly hummed the guitar part.

Valkyrie fumbled with her phone, got into an upright position and hit the button to record.

She focused on the screen, her mind fixated on thing - not going to the toilet. She really needed to go. It was all the alcohol.

"Waa-ah-ah-ah!" Tanith slurred into the microphone.

Valkyrie stopped recording and flopped back onto the floor.

"Tanith!" Valkyrie called out.

Tanith materialised above Valkyrie, fast as a teleporter.

"Help me up? I need to pee."

Tanith yanked Valkyrie up, the sudden movement sending the room whirling.

"You are up."

"I want to be down again."

"No, no, no - we stay up. Up all the way. We should go out and stay uupp."

"Stay up, stay in."

"I don't want to stay in."

"I told Skully Wully we were drinking."

"Vally. Bad Vally," Tanith let go of Valkyrie and walked over to the window. She pounded on the glass and the figure in the black Bentley looked over. Tanith waved.

Skulduggery waved back.

"You're not a bad Vally, you're a good Vally. You're also the best Vally," Tanith turned back around.

"You're the best Tanith too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next - ghosts are clumsy. Especially Valkyrie dressed as a ghost.
> 
> So drunk Valkyrie and Tanith are silly and sappy, it's all good times.
> 
> Speaking of good times - who's read Bedlam? I have good thoughts and negative thoughts. I'm happy that old characters came back and had better roles, not so happy about some of the deaths. Some good twists though like the bit with China at the end and the newest reveal about Skulduggery.
> 
> Any thoughts on who Sebastian could be? Me and KenrickMNP like the idea of it being an old character from the series.
> 
> So until next time!


	52. Who's There?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by KenrickMNP

Valkyrie opened the curtains with flair, then her shoulders sank when she saw the weather.

"What the hell, Xena?" Valkyrie said. "It's been June for like three months. We're supposed to have good weather by now. It's not good weather. It's  _still_  raining."

Xena, who was laying right on the threshold between Valkyrie's room and the landing sighed and shifted her head from her right paw to her left.

"I know, it's sickening. What do you expect in Ireland though?" Valkyrie moved away from the window and stepped over Xena, holding onto the wall to make sure she didn't fall over. Just as she safely passed the resting dog, Xena got up and followed Valkyrie downstairs. "I really need to stop giving you the option of sleeping in my room," Valkyrie said as she reached the bottom of the stairs and went into the living room.

"You also really need to shut your windows properly at night," Tanith said, sitting in the armchair in the corner of the room, illuminated by the dull midmorning sun.

"Piss in the shithole!" Valkyrie exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"

Tanith shrugged. "I was bored. Thought you might wanna hang out, maybe do a Vine...?"

"Well sure but you didn't have to climb through the window."

"How else would I get in? The door was locked."

"You could have called me, I would've let you in."

"I did call you. Twice."

"Ah, well. My phone was on silent so…"

Tanith shook her head. "Nevermind. I'm here now and it's an important reminder not to leave you windows open even a smidge. Oh hey, how's your head?"

"My head?"

"Yeah. Got a hangover?"

"No. That was pretty much a week ago. I may not have much practice getting drunk but I can handle my beer well enough to avoid a week-long hangover."

"Yeah I expected that. But I thought I'd ask just on the off chance that you  _did_ still have one, which would give me great ammunition for those light-hearted insult battles we have."

"Do we have those?" Valkyrie asked.

"I don't know, sometimes I don't pay attention, I might be getting you mixed up with someone else. Or maybe I'm getting  _myself_  mixed up with someone. I'm confusing myself, are you confused? Let's just do a Vine."

"Yes. I think that's better for all of us. Got one in mind?"

"Nope," Tanith said.

"Great. Well let me get breakfast and then we can watch some compilations."

"Got it," Tanith said as Valkyrie moved through to the kitchen. "I'll be over here practicing my juggling skills."

"You better not squish my oranges!" Valkyrie shouted through the wall.

"I will," Tanith called back.

* * *

Half a bowl of porridge later, and they decided on a Vine.

"I'll get a sheet," Valkyrie said. She ran upstairs to one of the spare bedrooms and took a fresh, neatly folded white bed sheet out of a cupboard, then jogged back downstairs, trailing it behind her.

"What about the music?" Tanith asked.

"What about the music?" Valkyrie responded.

"Well it's not a tune I recognise. And there's no lyrics, so I can't Google it. Meaning I'm not sure how we're gonna play it over the video."

"Oh right…" Valkyrie thought about it for a moment.

"I know!" Tanith said. "Do you have a piano? We can just test out each of the keys until we get it right."

"Uh, no. I don't have a piano. Why would I have a piano?"

"I don't know. A piano would suit this house, you should get one."

"Second, I feel like neither of us are patient enough or musically inclined enough for that plan to work even if I did have one."

"You're right, maybe it is far-fetched."

"How about we just leave out the music?"

"But it's such an integral part of the comedy. The way the ghost's footsteps fall in line with the notes…"

"I can't think how else to do it."

"Ah bugger. Let's just leave it out then."

"Alrighty then."

"Do you want to be the ghost or the ghosts 'victim?'" Tanith asked.

"Ghost. I don't want to be filmed while I'm still in my pyjamas."

"Fair enough. Well in that case we're ready to film."

"This part normally lasts longer.," Valkyrie said.

"I know, right? Okay. So we've got you sneaking then falling over, then me saying 'who's there?' then you saying 'nobody, fuck off.' Got it?"

"Got it." Valkyrie handed her phone to Tanith, picked up the sheet and flung it over her head like a massive hood, then in an ominous voice said, "let the spookshow commence… I'll just move over here."

Tanith opened the camera and pointed it at the armchair which sat in one corner next to a row of bookshelves. She then moved the camera to the side just a little bit, so that the armchair was slightly out of frame on the right side of the screen.

"Okay, when you're ready," Tanith said.

"I just walk in frame and fall over?" Valkyrie asked.

"Yep," Tanith said.

"Okay, just checking. In that case I'm ready."

"Good. Action!" Tanith said. She pressed record.

Valkyrie sprang into frame, balancing on one leg and lifting the other high up, each step shaking the sheet. She looked like some sort of crisp, baggy, white, fresh-smelling flamingo. She took four steps, then let herself fall forwards.

"Ah! Fuck," Valkyrie said to the floor.

"Cut!" Tanith said. "Okay, lemme just check the video. No offense but it didn't quite look right."

"Of course it didn't," Valkyrie said as she pushed herself up.

"No, stay there," Tanith said.

Valkyrie paused looked behind her at Tanith. "Why?" she asked.

"So that you're in the same position in each shot," Tanith said.

"I don't want to lay on the ground for ages doing nothing though," Valkyrie said.

"It won't be ages. Just a couple of seconds. Be quiet while I watch this." Tanith smiled at Valkyrie's grumbles and pressed play on the video. Valkyrie listened to the silence for a moment, then heard her voice say 'ah! Fuck.'

"So is it okay or should we film it again?" Valkyrie asked, leaning on her elbows.

"Yeah it's okay. It must've been my imagination the first time."

"So if I'm required to stay on the floor who's going to film you?"

"Me. It looks like the guy films himself in the Vine anyway. Since we're not using the music, we better make the rest of it as accurate as possible."

"Hm. Whatever." Valkyrie slumped back onto the floor. "I like it down here anyway. The dog hair ridden, itchy carpet may have already lost it's soft, new feeling, but boy is it comfy." She said this last part with added fake enthusiasm.

"Sure it is. All right, this'll only take a moment." Tanith sunk onto the couch and switched the camera to selfie mode, then sunk her head slightly, so it looked like she was sleeping. When she pressed record, her head shot up with wide eyes. "Who's there?" She said, and stopped recording. "See? Told you it wouldn't take long. I think we spent more time discussing it than actually filming it."

"Yeah, yeah. My turn."

Tanith switched the camera back to normal , trained it on Valkyrie's fallen figure, and pressed record.

"Nobody, fuck off!" Valkyrie said in an annoyed tone, slightly muffled by the sheet gathered around her face.

"Cut. Perfect. That was easy," Tanith said. "I almost feel like we should film it again, just to pass the time."

"Nah," Valkyrie said. "I vote we have tea instead."

"That's a good plan too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next Tanith has a ukulele and Valkyrie has a voice, what would happen if they switched?
> 
> Thank you to HeyThisIsCool for your review and for playing our language game. Unfortunately the languages were incorrect - but you get a shout-out anyway for your review. We're so glad you like The Vines of Valkyrie and Tanith and thank you for taking the time to leave a review :)
> 
> Shout-out goes to - HeyThisIsCool
> 
> Also to everyone wondering if we're doing anything for the one year anniversary - we are and we've figured out what to do.
> 
> Any requests send them in and if there's any characters anyone wants to see appearing, send them in too.
> 
> Also just to remind everyone - we have a playlist up on YouTube with the vines we've done so far, the playlist is called "The Vines of Valkyrie and Tanith."
> 
> Until next time!


	53. Uke Voice Guitar Guy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by me

"So you know the thing I was doing back when we went to IKEA?" Tanith asked.

"Aye," Valkyrie said, "vaguely."

"I broke the stairs to make it?"

"I do remember you breaking the stairs."

"Yeah good times, I've finished it now. Wanna come round and see it?"

"I do wanna."

"Awesome, get your butt here, I'll be waiting!"

True to her word Tanith was waiting, sitting perched in her front window, T-Rex on her knee, watching as Valkyrie pulled up and drove straight through possibly the largest puddle she'd ever seen.

Tanith set T-Rex on the window sill, hopped down and opened the front door as Valkyrie charged inside, shaking water off her jacket.

"That is some shit ass weather," Valkyrie said and slipped off her jacket, hanging it up on the empty coat rack that Tanith never used.

"I know right, poor T-Rex is very upset about it. He doesn't want to go outside but I won't let him pee inside so we've had a few arguments about that."

"Poor T-Rex. Xena literally does not care about the weather, it's all the same to her. So what's the thing you made?"

Tanith beckoned Valkyrie with her finger and Valkyrie followed Tanith into the sitting room and into the back hallway with a set of stairs. There was now a door underneath those stairs.

"Open it."

Valkyrie opened the door.

* * *

"This is place is awesome, this place is awesome," Valkyrie sang along as she strummed on the ukulele Tanith had left in the little room below the stairs. It was an awesome little room.

The sloping ceiling where the stairs went up was papered in soft, plain, red, textured wallpaper. The other three walls were covered in white curtains, nailed to the tops of the walls. The child's chair Valkyrie was squished into had a matching footrest in the middle of the floor and pale pink bean bags made up the remainder of sit-able furniture.

Of course any and all furniture can be sit-able, but the glass doored cupboard didn't look a hundred percent stable. Neither did the picture frames on the wall. Picture frames being the exception to the sit-able furniture rule as they were not in fact furniture.

"I know right!" Tanith agreed as she ducked into the little room, T-Rex at her heels and Buddy the lizard on the tray of drinks she was carrying.

"It's a good secret project. I should get a secret project."

"They're fun. You should definitely get one."

Valkyrie nodded.

"For now though, we should do a vine," Tanith said.

"A vine? Which one?"

"This one," Tanith brandished her phone outwards with a paused YouTube video. Valkyrie reached forward and pressed play. A guy was playing a ukulele but the strings made the noise of a voice. Another man appeared on the screen and his voice came out as ukulele chords.

"Any idea how to play the ukulele?" Valkyrie asked.

"I can play three chords."

"That's a start!"

"Should we record the audio first or the videos first?" Valkyrie asked.

"I say we do the audio for the first video and then do the second video, then the first video, then the audio for the second video," Tanith said.

Valkyrie stared, "uh, I understood like 0.2% of that."

"I'll break it down when we do it. We'll start by doing the audio for the first video, so we do the voice-being-the-ukuele now," Tanith explained.

"I gotcha now. So I take it I'm the voice?" Valkyrie asked.

"I mean I can be the voice if you want and you can play the ukulele?" Tanith suggested.

"Nah, you have more uke-abilities than me."

"So ready to begin?" Tanith asked.

"Yas," Valkyrie said, handing her phone over to Tanith, "record it as an audio file and then you can work your computer magic."

"I am an adept Adept and am adept at computers."

"That was a lot of 'a's'."

"Yeah, I like alliterations. Especially one's with the letter 'a'. No idea why."

"It's a good letter," Valkyrie nodded.

"A very good letter. So you ready?"

"I am ready. Can we film in the little room?"

"We can," Tanith said.

* * *

Valkyrie wriggled into the small chair, feeling the arms of the chair pressing against her hips and thighs. She was definitely too big for the chair. So she swung one leg around to hang over the side of the chair. Valkyrie sighed, much better. Who needs to sit properly? Not her.

Tanith was kneeling on the bean bag holding her phone out.

"Press the button when you're ready," Tanith said.

Valkyrie took a deep breath and pressed the record button.

"Na-na-na-now-nah- nah - nah -nah- now- yeaahh," Valkyrie sung, slurring her voice slightly.

Tanith stopped the recording.

"Nice one, that's the easy part done," Tanith grinned.

"Onto the hard part now," Valkyrie said.

"Onto the hard part now."

Tanith held up Valkyrie's phone and began to filming, giving Valkyrie a complex signal to show her the camera was rolling.

Valkyrie applauded an imaginary ukulele concert and opened her mouth, mouthing along to silent chords that would only be heard when Tanith worked her magic on the videos and edited them together.

"Cut," Tanith stopped filming.

"That actually wasn't hard," Valkyrie remarked.

"It's gonna be the playing part that is hard cause I can't play ukulele and I have no idea which freaking chords to play," Tanith said.

"Internet deep dive to find out?"

"Internet deep dive to find out."

* * *

"Yeah so I found nothing," Tanith lowered her phone.

"Neither," Valkyrie dropped hers too.

"Well we can watch the video and note all the finger placings for the first video. The audio however - I feel we may just have to cheat."

"I'm not above cheating," Valkyrie said.

Tanith opened her mouth.

"Don't say anything about Fletcher and Caelen. That was bad and I'm not proud of it and let's get cracking finding all the finger placings for the ukulele."

"Wait," Tanith said, "did you check the youtube video, see if anyone has the chords there?"

"I didn't," Valkyrie said, "did you?"

"Nope. We're idiots."

"Okay this person says G major 7, then E major, and then second fret on the 2,3 and 4th string and then the 1st string on the 5th fret."

"Yeah I don't know those chords, so I think the best plan of action is to film each chord individually cause I cannae play it fast enough to do it in one video."

"This is going to be an all day thing, isn't it?" Valkyrie asked.

"Yeah. You got anything else to do?"

"I got precisely nothing to do."

"Perfect."

"So begin with one finger on the second string, on the first fret," Valkyrie instructed as she paused the video.

Tanith did so.

"The next bit is just moving one finger down a fret at a time for two frets and back up, you could probably just do that all at once," Valkyrie said as she watched ahead. She'd slowed the video right down to 0.25 in order to see what the guy was playing.

"Gotcha, I'm ready."

"3,2,1, Action!"

Tanith slid her finger done from fret one, to fret two, to fret three and back up.

Valkyrie stopped filming .

"So what's next?"

"Strum and sort of slide your finger up and down. I can't really get it in exact numbers but as long as it looks competent, we're all good."

Tanith shrugged, "let's get this bit done so we can get the audio done."

"Yeah that bit's gonna be hard."

"Yeah…" Tanith nodded, "okay I'm ready!"

Tanith resumed the position she had on the ukulele.

"Say when you're ready and I'll ace the shit out of this!"

Valkyrie readied her phone again, "ready and rolling in three, two, one."

Tanith slid her fingers up and down the neck of the ukulele and pretended to strum the strings.

Valkyrie stopped filming, "cut!"

Tanith tossed her ukulele lightly on the plush faux sheep skin rug.

"You still need it," Valkyrie reminded her.

"I propose we cheat and use the original audio," Tanith said, "I cannot be bothered trying to figure out what to play cause my uke skills are shite."

"You know what," Valkyrie began, "I'm good with that. Before we do that - got any food?"

"I have those nice crisps. We can feast while we edit the vine."

"Perfect!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next there's a storm and some heavy metal music.
> 
> That's kinda it for now, requests send them etc
> 
> Until next time!


End file.
